Calm Parenting Podcast - Child Doesn’t Want Any Restrictions on Screen Time? 4 Script Options

Episode Date: October 15, 2023

Child Doesn’t Want Any Restrictions on Screen Time? 4 Script Options Your kids call you controlling and too strict. They don’t want any limits on their screen time, won’t keep parental controls on their phone, and turn off location tracking. Kirk gives you four different ideas, complete with scripts and action plans. Learn more at https://celebratecalm.com Flash Sale! Get our LOWEST prices of the year on the Get Everything Package.  Visit https://celebratecalm.com/flash-sale to purchase the Get Everything Package and get 35+ hours of concrete, practical strategies to STOP the power struggles and enjoy your kids. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com and use code 50calm for 50% off plus FREE shipping. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. I bet you can't relate to this at all. So here's a common question. My son doesn't want to have any limits on his screen time, won't keep parental controls on his phone, and turns off location tracking so I can't see where he goes. He says I'm too strict and controlling. What should I do? Well, that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome.

This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey. You'll hear a little bit about him in this podcast about how we handle that. It's C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, what are the ages of the kids? What are you struggling with most?

We get together as a family, talk about it. We will reply back to you directly with some very specific strategies for you to try if you need help with any of our programs. Ask Casey about it. He'll help you if you need help financially. So let's jump into this. So my first question for you is, are you too strict in controlling in other areas? I can't answer that for you in a podcast, but do some inner reflection on that, right? Do you tend to micromanage your child? Do you lecture too much? Are you overly involved trying to make your child somehow be successful, right? Those are just good questions to ask yourself, You know our principle. When we step back as parents and stop micromanaging, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. So when we step back from lecturing all the time, from always micromanaging,

it actually gives your kids space to make their own decisions, to be responsible for themselves. And that's a really good thing. So I want you to start there. But my hunch with screens is that you're not too strict or controlling. You're just trying to be a responsible parent, right? No teenager wants oversight or limitations on them, right? It's predictable. They want all the rights and none of the responsibilities, responsibilities. Think about this. It would be weird if your teenager came home and said, listen, mom and dad, I'm not ready to handle all this freedom. I just learned a biology that my prefrontal cortex required to make good decisions isn't really fully formed until I'm about 27. Therefore, for my own good, I think I should

have restrictions on my screen usage and parental controls. I can't even trust myself to make good decisions that aren't impulsive. So I can't imagine you'd be responsible parents if you didn't limit me for my own good, right? Like, you know, that's not happening. And so I partly laugh when I hear these teenage demands because it is so predictable, but I also partially see the bit, right? Like who's this teenager demanding things of his parents like this? Who does he think he is, right? So I do want you to set appropriate expectations of your teenager inside your head. They're not going to like just about anything that you do or say let me correct that appropriate expectations of your strong will child of any age they're not going to like any limitations they

don't like to be told no right they don't like anything you're going to say they're not going to like your right like just your very presence at times right they won't like the sound of your voice they're going to think that they're smarter than you. Look, some of you have five-year-olds and you write in and you say like, she's five going on 25, right? That's because they're old souls and they are very bright. And by the way, that's why I like to give them adult type jobs and responsibilities because they're really good at that. They're just terrible kid things, right? And these are kids who are extremely impulsive, right? Their lives center around social acceptance and the now. What is happening in the moment? And that's gotten even worse because what do we have?

We have Snapchat. We have everything is like right now, right now. So part of your job is to provide perspective and slow them down so they don't make short-sighted life-altering decisions, right? And so, by the way, I'll try to get to that in another podcast, but how do you speak to these kids as they get older? I like providing perspective, right? Here's quickly, hey, Case, here's what I found in life. I found that when people do X, it tends to work better for them, and when they do Y, it just tends not to work out.

Hey, I've got to go run an errand. When I get back, if you need some help with that or if you want to talk about it, just let me know. So I give perspective. I give wisdom. And then I let them process it, think about it, and own it themselves. Instead of always telling them what to think or how to think that's actually this is actually really good instead of telling them what to think or how to think I let them know how I think about situations and then I let them own it themselves because you know with a strong willed child if

you try to force it on them they're just going to resist it all the time. So your job is to provide perspective, right? And slow their world down. But do not expect them to like this. Don't expect them to appreciate. They're not going to be like, mom, dad, you have so much wisdom. I so appreciate you doing it. They're not going to say that. Don't expect them to understand that, right? Now, you know, in our curriculum and how we do things, we try to collaborate and problem solve. But at the end of the day, sometimes you just have to be the mean parent who just actually parents your kids, right?

Now, look, a little side note. So many parents are writing in phone consultations saying like, oh, my son just doesn't like oversight. He'll be really upset if we limit his screen time. And my flippant response to that reasoning is, fine, and please don't ever make any decisions that will disappoint your child. I mean, we don't want them to have to deal, we don't have to deal with our child's unpleasant emotions or unhappiness. Just give them what they want, and then we'll never have to deal with their emotions or conflict. Right now, that's certainly an option, especially if you don't mind raising or creating a monster

who you're teaching to bully others emotionally to get what they want, and who ultimately won't respect you, even though they will like or tolerate you now because you give them what they want. It's totally up to you, but please don't make decisions based on whether your child will be upset with you or doesn't like any oversight. So just think about that yourself for a minute. So here are four options for how to handle a child who doesn't want any limitations on his screen time, his phone, his apps, or video game time. Here's option number one. You have every right to say something like this to your child. Hey look, son, daughter, until you are completely responsible for yourself,

then we're responsible for you. See, you having a phone and clothes and food and a safe home and entertainment and everything else you do, that places limitations on us. We have to work and sacrifice to pay for all that. We have to sacrifice our time to take you places. What if we came home and said, you know, we don't want all these limitations placed on us. We've worked hard for 30 years and just want to relax and travel now. You know what? You're on your own. Pay for everything yourself. See, you wouldn't like that. So we will continue to provide reasonable restrictions so you don't make typically horrible teenage decisions and mess up your life because that's what a responsible good parent does, right? Now, your child is not going to like this decision at all. So you can expect the silent treatment,

expect worse, expect them throwing things, right? Expect them getting very upset at you and expect to have to clamp down or cut off service to their phones, right? When your child predictably calls your bluff, turns off parental controls, or leaves his phone somewhere while he's going elsewhere with his friends, he's just not going to accept your decision. That would be very unlike a strong-willed child. But you can't let your child play it both ways, right?

You can't let him get away, well, I'm just a kid, right? When he doesn't both ways, right? You can't let them get away, well, I'm just a kid, right? When he doesn't want responsibility, right? Or say like, I'm grown up enough to handle things when he doesn't actually want oversight, right? When he hems and hauls, you can say, unfortunately, it just, it appears you're not actually ready to be responsible for yourself because this is just how life works, son or daughter. Okay, so that's a reasonable approach to take. Here's option number two. Son, daughter, of course you don't want any limitations placed on you. That's very normal.

And I respect your desire for independence. Before I make a decision, let's do the following. Write down specifically what rights and freedoms you want to have. Write that down. Make a list. What rights and freedoms do you think you deserve? What do you want to have? And then below that, write down your specific responsibilities with regard to home life,

school, your family. And I'm also going to do the same thing. I'm going to make a list of my expected rights and also my responsibilities to you, and then we can agree on a social contract between us, right? Because I think it would be instructive for your teenager or your kids of any age actually to hear how skewed your list is with a dozen responsibilities and very few rights. And if your teenager comes back with too few responsibilities listed, you can flatly say, look, it's clear to me you're not ready to be an adult. You're not ready for all this freedom. Right now, here's the opposite side. If your child's list is reasonable, you can give it a try. Give him some of those rights, right?

But you also have the right to rescind this agreement for breach of contract if, and more likely when, he predictably doesn't quite follow through on his promised responsibilities. I kind of like that approach because now you're teaching. Look, the first approach is perfectly fine. Look, here's how it works in our home, right? You're not old enough. You're not responsible enough. So I make the decisions. And if I didn't, I'd be a horrible parent. Too bad. Deal with it. That's perfectly fine. If you want to do that, I don't have a problem at all with that. You're not being mean, right? You're not, you're not, uh, you're not making it personal of like, you've never been responsible. How are we going? You're just saying like, look, this is just how life works, son, daughter. It's just how life works. Okay. Second option is, hey, let's brainstorm a little bit. Let's problem solve here. Let's really think this through. You make a list of all your rights

and freedoms you want and your responsibilities. And I'm going to do the same and then we'll compare them. And if you come up with a list where you have a really good list of rights and freedoms, but there's also responsibilities attached and you stick to that. Hey, that shows me that you're being an adult and that you're capable of doing it. And I'm willing to try that. Now, if it doesn't work out, I'm going to rescind that agreement, right? So that's fair to me as well. Okay, option number three. Son, we are going to give you what you want. You are demanding

almost complete autonomy over your life. No restrictions on your phone, no tracking you, right? Now you're still going to have a couple chores at home. You got a curfew, right? All those things. But you get to make your own decisions. But here's what I really want you to think about. If you mess up, i.e., if we do catch you, right? If you start vaping, if you get caught drinking or doing drugs, if you start failing classes and demonstrate that you actually cannot handle all of this freedom you want, then it's going to be complete lockdown. No phone, no freedom, no trust. So I want you to think about this for a couple days because the consequences are huge if your teenage brain doesn't handle freedom the way you thought it could. Now, I don't necessarily recommend this option. It's not my favorite, but it's reasonable. You could

say, okay, take the reins, son or daughter. Go ahead. You told us you can handle this. Go ahead and do it. But we're going to measure this, right? And here, there are certain things that you cannot do, right? Whatever you choose that they are, with the drinking, with the drugs, with the vaping, with failing classes, whatever you want to put that on, say, look, I'm fine with that. But if these things happen, now we're going lockdown, right? So if your child wants to be treated like an adult, then he or she needs to act like one. And then if they can't, then the restrictions get even tighter. Now, here's option number four. As you can guess, I probably saved it till the end because

I really like this one. And this is the option we used with Casey. And this is why if you need anything with us, you reach out to Casey because he's lived, look, he's lived the life of your strong willed child. He's seen it from so many different angles. When we had these camps in our home where we had, you know, we had 1500 kids come through our home over the course of the decade. That was all through Casey's childhood. He experienced all of that, all of those kids, all of these learnings, and so he gets it.

And so reach out to him. And look, when you reach out to him, I give you his email address. I see every email that comes through Celebrate Calm. I built this. This is my passion in life. It's not like Casey gets separate emails. I read them all, and you'll find that sometimes I answer your emails directly. And then sometimes Casey answers them. And sometimes we just collaborate and talk about them. And then one of

us replies back, right? But if you need anything, reach out to Casey because he really does get it. He's really good with this stuff. So Casey's about 12. When he came home one night, he's like, I want a later curfew, which then was 9 p.m. And I remember shifting in my chair, trying to hide my smile, right? Because I was like, of course, that's what any teen or preteen wants, right? And I was doing that while thinking for a moment. Now, I forced myself to get in the habit of not responding immediately to Casey because it usually made things worse. Let me repeat that because I'm going to give that as a goal, a challenge for you. Make it a habit in life. George Washington had this great phrase. He says, I make it a rule in life that I always do X or I never do this. So I make it a rule in life that I never respond immediately, especially to my strong will child,

because it usually makes things worse, right? Because I'd say something emotional or I'd say something kind of off the cuff, maybe a little bit sarcastic, which would trigger him. And then he'd do the same thing to me and it created this vicious cycle. So I paused and then I finally said, you know what? It makes sense to me that you'd want a later curfew, right? Now, instead of getting into negotiation, which I know you will win because your kids are awesome negotiators and they've got their reasoning all lined up, right? This is all they think about, right? They were at school. They weren't paying attention. They were thinking about, here's the conversation with my mom and dad.

Here are all my bullet points. And here's my awesome logic, right? They're very good at it, right? So instead of negotiating with you, right? I have one question for you, Casey. What can you do to demonstrate that we can trust you with a later curfew? I wanted to put it back on him. See, when your kids come like, oh, I with a later curfew. I wanted to put it back on him. See, when your kids come like, I want a later curfew,

they're putting the question on you, right? And then there's often, as we talked about earlier, sometimes there's some emotional bullying that goes along there, right? So what I want to do is say, no, no, no, no. What can you do to demonstrate that we can trust you with a later curfew? So I saw the disappointment register on his face, right? I know he wanted me to say, you know what? You're such an amazing young man. You should be stay out till 11 o'clock, right? But he didn't react because he knew that I wasn't just going to roll over and give him what he wanted. And there's an important part.

Look, you hear me talk all the time about building the relationship and trust and collaboration and problem solving. But there's a part of parenting where you have to be able to say no and not be moved because they're unhappy, right? Or because they're disappointed in you. And you have to live with that and be strong in that. Otherwise, you're going to create a monster. So he walked away and he didn't say anything. you have to live with that and be strong in that. Otherwise, you're going to create a monster. So he walked away and he didn't say anything. And it was uncomfortable. And that's okay, because you're going to have some conflict in every relationship, right? So I began noticing this pattern. He began coming home at 8.52, at 8.57, at 8.53. He didn't come home late or call to plead or negotiate. He came home early. And so one night I said, hey, what's up with this whole coming home early thing?

And here were his exact words. Dad, my friends make up excuses and come home after curfew, but I know that you don't do excuses. So I decided to come home early to show you that I can control myself so you don't have to. And I thought either you are the most manipulative kid in the world, partly true, or that's really good wisdom, also true. It's a little bit of both. So let me repeat that little sentence again because it really good wisdom. Also true. It's a little bit of both. So let me repeat that little sentence again because it's great wisdom. Dad, mom, I wanted to show you that I could control myself so you don't have to.

That became the basis for his program. It's called Straight Talk for Kids, How to Get the Freedom You Want, right? It's an amazing program. It's part of the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package if you get it. And it's also the basis of school assemblies that he used to do all across the country, right? And we've got about a half million kids who've listened to that wisdom, right, between the downloads, right? Kids can listen right on the app and school assemblies. It was brilliant. He didn't argue. He didn't negotiate. He showed me by his actions. So my response was, you know what, Case? That's really brilliant. It's very mature. You know what? Your new curfew is 9-15. And of course he was dumbfounded. He was outraged, right? What do you

think he said? Seriously, Dad? I spent all those nights coming home early and all I get is a lousy 15 minutes extra, right? And look, my response could have been, you know what, if you're not going to have a good attitude and you're not be grateful for what I get you, then your new curfew is going to be eight o'clock, right? Just please be realistic parents,, right? Of course he was disappointed, and I knew he was going to be. He didn't walk around slamming doors and calling me a horrible parent that time, right? He just said, all I get is a lousy 15 minutes. There's a reason why I said, yeah, but here's what I know, Casey. If you keep doing these little things right, you'll be at 10 p.m. before you know it. Let me repeat that. If you keep doing the little things right, I can't tell you how often that phrase, how that little

nugget of wisdom that I shared with him, Case, do the little things right. Bosses will promote you. He's 30 now. He just got promoted to be general manager of the largest catering company in Jackson Hole while he's working for me. You know why? Because he does the little things right with a good attitude, right? Because he told them, I will do all the jobs that nobody else wants to do Because that's what I taught him when he was a teenager. Go in, always tell your boss, I will do all the work that nobody else wants to do. And I also knew that the truth is, a boss will hear that and say, I'm not going to give you the lousy jobs. I'm going to give you the good ones because you're the responsible one, right?

So I told him that, look, you keep doing this, you're going to be at 10 p.m. before you know it. And he was. Now, this is really important. That partly went so well because we had spent time rebuilding a trusting relationship. So focus on that more because relationships and connection, humility, that's what changes the human heart. Trust builds lasting agreements, right? You can have a legal document, right? But that's not, that doesn't mean you have a trusting relationship. That's just a legal document. And I'm fine with the first two or three options we talked about. Those tend to be more legal documents of how we're going to do it because I'm the authority figure and this is how it works. And sometimes that's perfectly right and reasonable way to do it. But your most

lasting agreements with your kids are going to be because you're doing it based on trust. Now, I'll tell you a quick side story. I haven't told this in a while. I remember Casey and I were at odds over something, right? He wanted to do something as a teenager. It was go out doing this overnight thing, kind of an overnight party with all of these kids. And I didn't know some of them. And look, we had a very healthy debate over it. He made some really good points about why I should trust him to go to this overnight party, right? And at the end of the night, we were at a stalemate. And I knew that ultimately, I get the overnight party, right? And at the end of the night, we were at a stalemate. And I knew that ultimately, I get the deciding vote, right? So to speak, because I'm his father,

right? You're his mother. You're the authority figure. I get the ultimate deciding vote, right? But I didn't want to just pull the authority figure on the boss and this is a dictatorship card because you know what I've learned? Dictatorships aren't that awesome places to live, right? And I don't want to do a dictatorship, right? It's not what I'm after. And so I simply looked at him and I said, Casey, do you trust that I have your best interest at heart? And he was disappointed and he was dejected, but he nodded because he knew that was the foundation of this. It wasn't because you're the father and you get to ultimately decide, which is a truth. You're the mother, you're the authority figure. What he ultimately knew was

that I did have his best interests at heart. It wasn't just that I loved my son. It's that I really put thought into these things. And we had good conversations about all of these things. And we shared back and forth and I listened to him and I acknowledged all of his good points. But he knew at the end of the day, right, that he could trust me. So he nodded, he gave me a hug and he went off to bed. And he didn't sneak out that night,

right? It was the relationship that provided the breakthrough there, right? So let me wrap this up. I want you to be tough and firm and also realistic and reasonable, right? Don't be a pushover. Don't allow yourself to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed by your child. But also don't be too rigid either, right? Don't just be Dr. No to everything, right? Provide boundaries and expect your kids to earn their freedom and privileges. Just not your love and acceptance, right? But they've got to earn their freedom and privileges, right? Use one or more of the scripts or strategies that I just went through, right? But I really want you to work on your relationship more than anything else. If you're struggling with that, especially if it's a

slightly older child, I go through the 20, look, we have a program, it's just, I'll be no BS. It's called the No BS Program. It's one of the best things that I've ever put together, has written stuff for you. It's 25 specific concrete action steps to go through. It is so powerful and good. It's one of the things that we don't talk about enough, but I'd encourage you go through that. It's extremely affordable on our website. It's actually, if I'm being honest, I should price it higher so people place more of a value on it because it can literally rebuild your relationship with your child, right? And look, if you ever want specific help finding that balance of independence, the rights and responsibility for your kids, right? If you want to schedule a couple phone calls with me,

that's an option too. And we'll come up with a specific game plan together, right? But if we can help you in any way, let us know. It's what we're here for. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing this with other parents. Please continue to share this. I hope you find it helpful. And look, we love you all. Appreciate you very much. Talk to you soon.

Bye-bye.