Calm Parenting Podcast - Child Who Argues, Melts Down Over Losing, Bosses Siblings?

Episode Date: September 22, 2024

Child Who Argues, Melts Down Over Losing, Bosses Siblings? Do you have a child who is bossy, melts down over changes in plans or when little things go wrong? Acts like a sore loser when playing games? Collects little stones and acorns in their pant pockets? Wears the same clothes and eats the same foods? Likes to say, “That’s not fair!” and won’t stop following you until they prove their point? Has difficulty with executive function and following directions? Struggle with anxiety over new experiences? Good. Kirk explains why all of these behaviors have the same root…and similar solutions. Our Back-To-School Sale Continues This Week. Don't begin the school year with power struggles. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. AG1 Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. SIMPLISAFE Protect your home this summer with 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. Just visit https://simplisafe.com/calm.   AIR DOCTOR AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! PHYLA Tackle acne’s root causes for clearer, healthier skin for your child. Get 25% off your first order of Phyla with the code CALM. Go to https://phyla.com and type in the code CALM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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playing games? Maybe you've got a little one who collects little stones and acorns in their pockets only to be found once they're banging around the dryer. Or maybe you have a child who wears the same clothes every day and eats the same foods. It's oftentimes simple carbs, mac and cheese, and chicken nuggets because of anxiety. Some of you have kids who say that's not fair and they won't stop following you around until they prove their point. Some of you married someone like that. What about kids who have difficulty with executive functioning skills and following directions? And I know a lot of you have kids who struggle with anxiety over new experiences. Good. All of these behaviors have

the same root cause. And that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Look, even if your child doesn't struggle with one of the examples I go through, I hope you will extract some key principles you can apply to your own specific situations. And for some of you, these situations are coming in your future. So you have kids who have busy brains. Their brains are always swirling with thoughts and ideas. And their brains run really fast and it feels kind of chaotic in there. Like they don't have control over it.

And then some of you have kids who have sensory processing issues. So it kind of feels like their bodies are out of control. And that's why we like doing a lot of sensory exercise, building little obstacle courses in the backyard so that they crawl under and over things, moving heavy objects, doing martial arts, swimming, rock climbing, and gymnastics. Those are often great activities. Plus, many of our kids do better with independent activities versus team sports, which we'll get to. Now, you combine all of this with a fast-paced lifestyle going from school to extracurriculars where an adult is always telling them what to do. And guess what the result is? It feels like their world is out of control.

So they try to control other people and situations. That's why you can't play board games with many of your kids because they're going to cheat, change the rules of the game, or quit. Why? Because that guarantees the outcome of the game. It eliminates the unknowns. It means they won't be a loser. The issue isn't that they're a poor sport. It's that they're not confident enough to try and fail and lose without feeling like a loser. So they boss you and their friends and siblings around

because it gives them a sense of order or control. It's why little things going wrong or changes in plans frustrate them and result in meltdown. See, when big things go wrong, it actually stimulates their brains and they focus better because of the brain stimulation. But if you don't do certain little things right, it really messes with your sense of order. So what about a kid who gets super upset when little things go wrong? So here's a quick example. Child comes home after school one day, makes a paper airplane, flies the paper airplane. It doesn't fly the right way. So your child crumples up the paper and throws it down. This is stupid airplane.

And some of your kids, if you're not creating successes enough, will internalize it. I'm dumb. I'm stupid. I can't do anything right. And we don't want that to happen. So usually what happens in this situation, every good mom and dad walks into the room. Oh, honey, that was a good airplane. Nope.

Wrong thing to say. Why? Because your child is going to look at you and say, duh, if that were a good airplane, it would have flown the right way. And so what I'd rather you do in this situation is walk into the room and your child's going to be fuming upset and say, you know what? If I were you, I'd be frustrated too. You put a lot of time into making that paper airplane. It didn't fly right. That's frustrating. See, that intensity in the moment when they are intense is often very calming. I know it is counterintuitive, but try it sometime. Then often what I would do is say, you know what? I just forgot.

I've got to get something from upstairs. I need to get a drink. I need to go to the bathroom. When I get back, hey, I bet we could problem solve a different way to make the paper airplane. And so what I was doing was instead of trying to convince the child not to be upset, which makes them more upset, same thing for a lot of you when your spouse says, oh honey, there's no need to be upset. You're just overreacting. Nope, not the right thing to say. What you want is for someone to say, yeah, if I had a friend who said that to me, I'd be really

upset too. If my mother-in-law, if my own mom said that to me, man, that would really hurt. See, the intensity says, I get it. It's important to you. And I understand. That is very calming. But now when I say, hey, I need to go get something from my closet, get a drink, I'm removing myself and giving the child space to process his or her emotions without me standing over the child. That is extremely important, and that's really helpful. So, and now I'm offering to problem solve.

So, look, this is why little kids collect acorns. Why? Because it's one small thing they have control of in life. Because all day long, everyone else is telling me what to do and what not to do. But see, with these little acorns or stones in my pocket, I can manipulate them with my hands. I can put them in my mouth, in my ear, and ultimately in the washing machine. It's why kids like playing with their dolls and being the teacher. Many of you have kids like that. their dolls and being the teacher. Many of you have kids like that. They wear the same clothes, eat the same food because that provides consistency.

And if you really want to understand the benefit of this, it's actually pretty brilliant. Because I know exactly what I will be wearing and eating every day, which I do, I no longer have to devote any mental or emotional energy to those choices, which allows me to focus my energy on creative thinking, strategic thinking, and pursuits that interest me. See, it's really interesting. And these kids have a high need for justice because if something isn't right or fair, according to them, then that creates gray areas and messes with their sense of order inside. That's why my first step to calm an upset child is not to say, hey, you need to calm down, because that makes everyone more upset, partially because you're drawing attention to and shining a spotlight on them at their worst, and that causes embarrassment. My first step is always

to give an upset child or parent a mission or challenge that they are in control of. If you need help with this, go back, listen to the podcast, How to De-escalate a Nuclear Meltdown. It's from May 5th, 2024. It's really helpful. Now, what about a rude daughter who argues with you? Because a mom had written and said, my daughter's rude. She constantly argues with me and corrects me. If I say dinner will be ready in 10 minutes, she will correct me and say, mom, the timer actually says eight minutes. How can I get her to stop being rude? And my response is she's not being rude. She is being precise. And instead of constantly getting irritated with your kids, see the benefit of these traits. See, instead of accusing your daughter of being rude and correcting her, and by the way, that just never, ever works,

you could say with an admittedly forced smile, Honey, do you know how that trait is going to help you? It's going to help you accomplish amazing things in life. See, I apologize for assuming you're trying to be rude. In fact, you're just being precise. And that is a perfect and necessary quality to have if you want to be a surgeon, an architect, a dentist, an accountant, a builder, a veterinarian, a craftsman, and so many other professions. It means people will be able to count on you because you are direct and honest and specific, I wish I was more like that sometimes.

See, that will totally change how the daughter sees herself. It will take away the power struggle. And once you understand why your kids do things, you can get to the root of all of these issues and teach them and build them up. So what about a kid who was a poor sport or melts down when losing? What about a kid who bosses siblings around? Let's dig into that next. So you have a child who strikes out and throws his or her bat, loses a game, and causes a scene. And you naturally get embarrassed and angry with the child, especially since you're investing so much time and money into this. And by the way, know that strong will kids usually won't practice at their sports or their instruments. So just know

that. Okay, so here's what I'd advise you to do and a couple key principles. Number one, most of our kids struggle with losing. I either wouldn't bother playing board games with them or I just let them know firmly, look, I'll play with you, but only according to these rules. And then just be firm with that. When we had these kids in our home, I'd play board games and I talked them through the fact that I was winning. That didn't mean they were losers. And sometimes it worked and sometimes they just needed to mature. Number two, it is embarrassing when your child is the only one on the field losing it or yelling at the ref. And I know I would feel like I'd be up in the stands or shaking my head, fuming, swearing, I'll never let this kid play again after acting like that. And you know,

you may even beat yourself up, right? Like you somehow caused this or it's your fault. Stop that. It's not. It's just the way some kids are. All of those feelings you feel are normal and even warranted. But I want you to practice just being completely stoic in these moments. Remember that word.

I'm stoic, not emotional. Almost like it's someone else's kid because you are infinitely more patient, and so am I, with someone else's child than your own. And other people are often more patient with your child than with their own. It's why when coaching kids, I would never directly correct

or coach Casey. I had another dad do that, and then we would switch up, just work better. So be even, matter of fact, when you correct strong will kids, and even when you praise these kids. And I would ask you to be like that before games and even after. So here's what I'd focus on. Number three, role play with your child. Role play losing. Practice a new response to striking out or letting in a goal. I used to take kids who played soccer to a local soccer field and I'd shoot on them and I'd score again and again and again. Not to rub it in, but to practice the feeling of letting up a goal. I would then practice a new routine with them. When you get scored on, you can't let the other guys see you

sweat or react. So here's what I want you to do. You turn around to get the ball from the back of the net, and you can silently utter one curse word just to express your frustration, or if you don't like that, another word like reset. But once you pick that ball up, your demeanor changes. You are confident. You roll that ball calmly to the the ref and you reset yourself. See, we tend to focus on what the child should not do in all these situations. Don't throw your bat.

Don't slump your shoulders. But let's focus on what your child can do when he or she does make a bad shot or loses. Physically practice that on the playing field over and over again until it becomes new muscle memory. Lectures just don't work. Appealing to the fact of you have a team and you're letting your teammates down. And if you do that, see those lectures, they don't mean anything. You have to practice that. Those lectures actually drive in more shame and make your kids more upset. I have no problem with a kid like, of course, you know why I kind of like this is because you're very competitive and you're conscientious and you want to win. So here's what we need to do differently. See, I'm just talking to them like an adult. I would watch games on TV.

Notice other players' body posture, right? It's why Drew Brees and Patrick Mahomes have always been such good leaders under pressure and why, to be honest, Aaron Rodgers isn't. He shakes his head at his players and he shows disgust too easily. So look up some stats on how often your child's favorite player loses or strikes out. The idea is to normalize losing and reinforce that it doesn't make your child a loser. Simply means he lost the match or the game. Try to teach patiently like it's someone else's kid rather than lecture impatiently because your child will pick up on any negativity and shut down. Remember, stay stoic. Hey, you've

got this, son. I know it's hard, but this is what separates the greats from the mediocre players. It's that mental and emotional game. I know you've got that. So model this in your own life. It's likely that you get frustrated and react when things don't go well in your life. So ask your child to help you with a different response to one of your common triggers. And that way, look, you're both working on it together. We have kids who are defensive and feel like the black sheep, like they're always in trouble and everybody's against them. So to be able to come along and say, hey, have you ever noticed in traffic or noticed when I'm trying to fix something around the house, I just get frustrated and I throw my tools down. Yeah, I need to work on that too. See, now you're modeling for it. It might be the most important thing we've talked about this whole

podcast. And you have every right to say, look, if you don't practice losing well, then you're simply not going to play. I have no problem with taking a tough line on this. You don't have to keep paying for expensive sports and traveling to have your child participate. You don't. I'd recommend trying the above things first, very patiently. Let's see if we get some progress on the emotional side of your child's game and your game as a parent, right? That's the big win in life anyway. And if your child does dig in and refuse, then cut back on the tournaments until your child decides that he or she is going to work on this. Okay, let's work on that because I think it's a really cool, it's a cool process when you see them make progress and you're being involved.

Okay, what about a kid who bosses his or her siblings around? Look, your child bosses their siblings around because that's what people do when they feel like everything's out of their control. So when you hear your child do this, let's firmly say something like, oh David, I just remembered, I could really use your help with something. I'd encourage you to have a few

pre-planned jobs or missions that your child can do around the house, even outside the house. Missions that they feel in control of, that they're good at doing so that they don't feel the need to control their siblings. If your child is jealous of a younger sibling, which makes sense, right? Like I was king of the home and then this younger sibling came away along and everybody's paying attention to him or her. And so pull that child aside and say, man, I could really use your help. You're so grown up and smart. You can do all kinds of things that your little brother can't. Could you be my deputy, my helper with some grown up jobs? See, that way you're giving the older child some space to own their own things, to own these grown-up jobs, be alongside you.

So we're removing the dynamic of, oh, you're in competition with your younger child for my attention. No, I'm giving that child intensity doing more grown-up jobs. We call it in our curriculum giving kids their space and place. Really interesting concept. Now back in the day, kids would come to our house after school to do homework and they would boss me around. They'd walk into our house and start telling me what to do. And my first instinct was, hey, you bossy little jerk. No wonder you don't have any friends. But I didn't say that. But when I would step back and think, hey, what's really going on here? I could always find a solution. That's part of why I like being in control of myself is because now my internal world slows down. I can see I don't take it

personally. I can see situations more clearly. And so the reason I chose this topic today is actually because a teacher emailed and said, hey, some parents bought your programs and they shared with me the ADHD University and the Strong World Child Programs. And just understanding how their brains work has helped me immensely in the classroom and with my own kids at home. I never learned this, even though I have a master's degree in child development. So parents, if you have our programs, we're happy to share these with your child's teachers so they know what to do in the classroom. So I would look at one of these kids who came in and bossed me around and say, look, I get it.

All day at school, teachers are bossing you around, right? Telling you exactly how to sit and stand and walk down the hall, when to pick up your pencil, when to stop talking. are bossing you around, right? Telling you exactly how to sit and stand and walk down the hall, when to pick up your pencil, when to stop talking. And it's chaotic at school with loud bells every 50 minutes, kids running around outside at recess. The cafeteria is really loud. I bet that feels all out of your control, doesn't it? And then you see these kids nod their heads. And I'd say, well, then you come to my house and there's a bunch of kids here and because everything seems like it's out of your control your natural instinct is to boss me or the other kids around and you know how I know that because I'm the same exact way when I'm not feeling well when my body is out of order, I get very particular about things because I want that balance inside.

So here's the deal. You don't have to boss me around because I've got everything under control here. But here is what I could use your help with. If you could go to the basement, you'll find a broom that's broken. Could you find a duct tape and see if you could fix that for me? Because that would really help. And before I'd even finish my sentence, the kid would be scrambling off down into the basement. I didn't tell him to stop being a bossy jerk. I didn't lecture him about how people don't like

to be bossed around and how it's always much nicer. No, those icky patronizing lectures don't work. I simply gave him insight into his own brain and how he works. Yeah, when you feel like you're out of control, everything's out of control, you want to control other people. That would be great for most of us as 40 and 50 year olds to know. And then I gave him an opportunity to be in control of just one simple little stupid thing in this world. One thing he could be successful at. One way he could help and feel like he had a purpose. One thing he could feel proud of. See, there's a certain amount of compassion that is helpful with yourself and with your kids. It doesn't mean you have to be soft or make excuses

for your kids' behavior. Your goal, this is interesting, this is good to me, I think. Your goal is to be understanding without giving in. I'm simply trying to understand that my child, my spouse, my coworker isn't usually just being an irritating jerk on purpose. There's almost always something underneath that's driving these behaviors. And so you don't have to give in. You don't have to make excuses. You simply are assuming the best about their intentions. And that leads to a less defensive response.

And it actually leads to you now problem solving and knowing what the underlying need is. See that changes all kinds of behavior. So here's your homework this week. Be a student of your child and really try to understand what is driving your son or daughter's behavior? Then give your kids tools to help them feel back in control. Or in another podcast we've done or throughout the programs, we talk about the need for brain stimulation, right? If I've got a kid who's arguing all the time, sometimes picking on siblings to get a reaction, well, what they're looking for is intense emotional engagement, brain stimulation.

So if I know that, I can meet that in a healthy way. And so while you're doing this and you're giving them a sense of feeling back in control, you're also demonstrating that you can control yourself. And that's a huge win. Look, if you want hundreds of more examples like this and more detailed insight, go through the Get Everything package. It's CelebrateCalm.com. We have a big sale going on right now.

Or email Casey. He'll give you a specific recommendation based on your specific needs, or he can help you financially. But if we can help you with that or anything else, let us know. Thank you for engaging so much. Thanks for listening to this podcast and letting me challenge you at times. Thank you for engaging so much thanks for listening to this podcast and letting me challenge you at times, thank you for being on Instagram and I interact a lot with parents there and I really really am enjoying that

thank you, thank you for sharing the podcast and thanks for being good parents, I know this is really hard, alright, talk to you next time bye bye