Calm Parenting Podcast - Child Who Corrects You, Proves Their Point

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you're in the car with your family and you're a few minutes into the trip and the kids in the back are already squabbling over something. And so you kind of turn around and say, guys, you know what? We haven't even been in the car for 15 minutes and you two are already. And out of the corner of your eye, you see your one son, the strong-willed one, leaning over and looking up at the clock in the car, and you know what's

happening. He wants to see if it's been 15 minutes and to point out that you're actually wrong, that mom, it's actually been 17 minutes. And I know you find that frustrating, right? Because this is a child who's like that cop, attorney, and judge all wrapped into one. He has to prove that he's right. And you think that he just wants to argue with you and that he's just being difficult on purpose. Look, if you think your child's just being difficult on purpose, and yes, they can be. And sometimes they push your buttons. Why? Because you have so many buttons to push. And that's more of your issue because you keep reacting all the time. But look, if you think that your child is just setting out to do these things, you're going to react to them in a negative way and you're going

to make it worse. It's not going to make it better, right? You're going to make it worse. And there's this divide that comes between you and your strong-willed child. And they start to think, ah, I'm not sure that my mom or my dad really like me. And they will feel very misunderstood. And so I want to show you, this is really cool to me. I love this process that I'm going to go through. And even if it's not a child who wants to prove everything, anything that your child is doing that irritates you, you can use this process. So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk

Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey. He's an expert arguer, right? He is very good at it, but he won't argue with you, only with us, right? Like your kids are awesome for other people. So it's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with. We will reply back personally and usually very quickly and try to give you some tips, some tools, some strategies. If you need help with any of our products, we can help you out within your budget, or you can just go on CelebrateCalm.com. I would just get the Get Everything package because that's a lot easier. And by the way, in this case, I really, really, really encourage you, both spouses or if

you're a single spouse, just you or maybe your parents as well, and even your child, listen to the one called Enjoy Your Strong Willed Child, How to Stop the Power Struggles, because you have to understand what's inside their heart and their head, because I guarantee you most of the time, you and I are misinterpreting what our kids are doing and they feel very misunderstood and that leads to a lot of anger. So here's the process that I went through with this really nice couple, kind of a three-step. I wanted to be like almost like a three-week process. I was like, mom, for the next week, here's what I want you to do. Every time this situation happens, first week, let's just affirm the child. Let's look at the positive part of this and let's begin to understand what's really going on. So instead of arguing, why do you always have to be so particular about things? Why can't you just realize that I just meant 15 minutes?

Enough of that, right? But what if you looked at that child and you said, you know what I just noticed? You know what I really, really appreciate about you? That you're precise about things. And see, that's going to help you in life. Because in a lot of jobs, you need to be precise, right? So if you were an accountant, you don't want your accountant to just guess at numbers. You want your accountant to be very precise.

You, a doctor, a surgeon, of course you want him to be or her to be very precise. A dentist, right? A carpenter, someone building your house. You don't want them guessing at how long certain things are. You want some precision there, right? This son we're talking about, he's really into baseball. Well, baseball is built on stats because it's a game that is 120 years old and it's built on statistics. And when I said that to them, because someone was in baseball and I'd like to use analogies and talk about things that

your kids are actually interested in, they're like, yes, he memorizes stats. And I was like, of course he does. Right. And we'll get to that in a minute. But think of all the jobs and all the things that you do in sales, right? If you just say, yeah, that's going to cost $875. Well, then someone shows up and you charge $935. Well, they're going to be upset about that. So your precision, right? Your accuracy and that detail will cause people to trust you more because you are very precise about that. So this week, first step is let's stop fighting everything and instead just say, you know what, that's a really great trait that is going to serve you well in all these different situations.

Because all we think about now is how much it bugs me or how it's going to hurt him or her in say relationships right because we know that proving your point to other people especially if it's a spouse right that was one of the issues I had was I always wanted to prove my point well apparently wives don't appreciate that nor should they itky, right? And one of our phrases we taught those 1,500 kids that came into our home because they were all like this was, relationships are more important than being right. But 9 or 10-year-old kids are not going to be like, you know what? Good wisdom there, mom and dad. Gotcha.

Relationships are more important than being right because they're driven by certain things. So step number one, let's notice and affirm whatever trait that you're struggling with. You know what? I like that about you. Here's how I can see you using that to your advantage in life. Just do that for a week. Then the next step, look, it doesn't have to be a week.

It could be three days. It could be two weeks. Next step is be curious. And let's open up a discussion, not saying like, why do you do that all the time? Oh, great. I'm glad you asked. No, that's not what they're going to say because it puts them on defensive.

Because why do you do that is it really irritates me. No one likes that. I'm not sure why you would do that. So explain yourself. Well, that's not leading to a lot of good conversation. I'm curious though, of like, hey, you know, I've noticed that, you know, I'll say 15 minutes and you'll say, no, it's actually 17 minutes. So I've noticed you like to be very precise. You like things like that. I'm curious, what does that do for you? Right? How does that feel? How does that make you feel when, how does it make you feel when I say 15 minutes, but that's not actually exactly accurate? What

does that make you feel like? Does it make you feel like something's not complete, right? Like it's just not fully true, that's not accurate, and you like that order of knowing, like, no, I like being precise because that makes me feel like things are right in the world. Like there's some control over things. It makes me feel at peace to know that and I like the precision. Ask the question and find out and say, okay, I get that. That makes sense to me because look, if I spent a day with you or you spent a day with me, we could pick out each other's irritating qualities all day long. And if all we did is say, you know, it's really irritating. Why do you do that?

We wouldn't like each other by noon. But if we looked at each other and we're like, how's that serving you? How is that serving you? Because everything we do serves us in some way. Maybe it protects us. Maybe it provides a sense of order. Maybe it provides a sense of stimulation for the brain, which many of our kids need. So then the third step is the one that I really ultimately want to get to because then we begin to problem solve. And when I was doing this phone consultation, sometimes there are just really cool moments. And when I was doing this phone consultation,

sometimes there are just really cool moments. And I said, okay, here's an analogy. I want you, one of the parents, to own up to one of your irritating traits. So what popped in my head is, look, between the two of you, one of you has to be a planner, right? Like when you're going away on trips, you start packing like three weeks early and they both laughed because they were both kind of planners but the husband oh yeah he's got he's got everything planned out so I said in the course of a natural conversation at dinner sometime while you're driving just say something like this guys you know what I've just been realizing like I plan things really far ahead. Have you guys noticed that? And they're gonna be like, yeah, dad, you start asking us three weeks ahead

of time to pack our clothes. And we're like, we can't pack because we don't know what the weather is going to be like. And by the way, we're teenagers. And so you can laugh at yourself and you can normalize the fact that each of us has these traits and does things that serve us that also irritate other people, right? So I've noticed, look, I've noticed I'm a planner and so I like to know things ahead of time and I like to make my list and I like to check things off of the list because, well, that makes me feel like I've accomplished something because there's so many unknowns in my work world. There's so many things that you can't control in this world. I feel like when we're going on a trip, I try to plan all these things. I don't like surprises. So

this actually, in some ways, is a really good thing because we don't forget things. We don't get 15 minutes down the road or 17 minutes down the road, to be precise, or three hours down the road and figure out that we forgot something, right? It eliminates some of the surprises. We make better use of our vacation time because I've planned out so we know when that park opens and when it closes and I get the tickets ahead of time so we don't have to stand in the long line in the heat. So I know there's some real advantages to doing that and inside it makes me feel more settled. But the other thing that I've been thinking about is how does it affect you guys so it makes me feel

settled inside but I'm wondering if it makes you guys more anxious because I'm always asking and repeating and I'm and I'm because out of my own need for this order I'm causing you guys to be frustrated how does that feel when I'm planning three weeks ahead of time? And then listen to them, right? And listen if they say like, dad, you're always honest like two weeks ahead of time. It doesn't have to be done then. Why do you have to do that? Listen to them and then say, okay, okay. So I apologize because I can understand how that is frustrating to you guys. So I do have a need for that. And I'm not going to be Mr. Carefree, right?

I was joking with this couple. I was like, you two are very order and structure people. Your idea of spontaneity is to say, hey, two days from now, what do you want to do, honey? Right? Like that would be spontaneous for them. So it's fun. You know, there's a certain lightheartedness of and normalizing of knowing we all have our stuff. And you don't have to make excuses for it. Well, it's because of this. I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying this is how it serves me. And in some ways it serves me really well. And then in some ways it causes other people pain or discomfort or frustration. So because I love my family and other people, I want to moderate some of those negative effects of it. I'm not going to change completely because then I wouldn't be who I am.

So now you're problem solving and saying, so guys, I need some help in this area. So are there some things that I could begin doing differently? So we still have things planned. It's still orderly. We're still not rushing at the last minute. But so that it's not so frustrating to you. have things planned. It's still orderly. We're still not rushing at the last minute. But so that it's not so frustrating to you. And if you want, you don't have to do this,

but there's some things that you could begin doing for me knowing that it's just a nice thing to do for me because it helps settle me. See, now that's just absent anything else. That's just a great conversation to have about yourself because now you're leading. You're being the leader in your home. You are being vulnerable, saying, I have some issues in this area and I want to get better because I love you guys. Will you guys help me? That's great modeling. But now, you know where we're going with this.

So with a son who's very particular, now you can say, I get why you do that. That makes sense to me. What I want you to know is that sometimes in life you will find that being very, very particular about that or proving your point, sometimes other people don't like that, right? And it makes them feel less than, it makes them feel like you're arguing with them when you're not doing that at all. So then you can bring it up and say, hey, and I like giving context and perspective. Son, here's something to think about. Here's a different way you could consider handling that.

So I'm giving him a solution. I'm not getting in his face saying, that's irritating, you need to stop that. I'm not getting in his face saying that's irritating. You need to stop that. I'm saying, I get it. It's a good quality. It's going to serve you well in life. I understand how it makes you feel inside. So it makes sense that you're doing it. But I want you to know there is a negative impact. So here's something to consider that I think other people would appreciate. And then you put it in that child's court, right? I like that approach with just about everything because it gives some space, it gives some context.

You're owning your own thing, you're leading. I love that. Look, I'm gonna leave it at that so we can keep this under 15 minutes. Do that this week. Pick an area and do that. If you need help, contact us. We'll help you out with it.

Go through the Get Everything package, the Calm Parenting package, because we show you this. Or if you want to talk to me, go on our website. It's under Call Kirk and we'll do a phone consultation and we'll make fun of each other. I'm kidding. We'll help each other. Anyway, love you all. Share the podcast if you find it helpful and we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.