Calm Parenting Podcast - Child Won’t Follow Rules, Not Motivated by Rewards or Consequences, Gets Angry When Say No

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Starting point is 00:02:53 You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Let's jump right into this because I have a lot of ground to cover. Look, when you ask me that question, I don't really care that much about kids following rules. I would rather take it to a higher level and have them do what is right and be responsible. You don't have to agree with this, but when Casey was in elementary school, his school had a zero tolerance policy. And I get why they do that, but it was, well, if you get in a fight or if you have any kind of conflict with another child, you're going to get suspended. And what I told Casey was, look, here's the deal. You don't always have to follow the rules, but you always have to do what is right. And if there's

Starting point is 00:03:35 another kid getting picked on, getting beaten up, I want you, as long as it's safe, I want you to jump in, and Casey was a big kid, I want you to subdue the kid who's doing the damage to another child. Why? Because that's the right thing to do. And if you get suspended because the school isn't capable of distinguishing between bullying and a kid who's actually stepping in and you get suspended, good. I will take off three days from work and we will go to amusement parks and I will celebrate you not for following rules, but because you did the right thing. That's what I'm after. And I want to refocus your brain. Look, you are dealing with kids who are by nature, the way they are wired, they are not rule followers. So it doesn't mean you let them do whatever they want,

Starting point is 00:04:22 but I would rather you switch your thinking to this. Instead of just focusing on them being compliant or rule followers or doing what is asked, I would go to the next level of teaching these kids to be responsible, to make good decisions, to learn how to problem solve, to use their critical thinking skills, to be good leaders. Look, if you want a compliant child, try having another one because it ain't this kid. And if you can think you can somehow change their nature, you will only destroy their confidence and your relationship with this child. So shift your thinking from, I need to get this kid to follow my rules too. How can I challenge this child to do the right thing,

Starting point is 00:05:07 to accomplish a larger mission, to be responsible and think and problem solve? That's what I would begin thinking about. And that's a huge shift for many of you, from being obedient to being responsible. And I did a really helpful podcast on the myth of immediate obedience. And I think it was back in February. If you were raised in a home where it was always about

Starting point is 00:05:31 immediate obedience, please go back and listen to that because you're going to wrestle with that. You are going to struggle with this whole idea because you grew up your whole childhood and into parenting thinking, well, that's my goal is to get an obedient child. And I show you the fallacy of that in that podcast, and it will free you. It will free you from so many power struggles and just thinking this child is so defiant. So we have kids who aren't rule followers. We also have kids who don't like it when you tell them no or place limits on them. And no, we don't do permissive parenting. We don't just give in and say, you know what, I'm afraid of you and you're going to have a big meltdown or tantrum. So I'm just going to let you do whatever you want. I

Starting point is 00:06:16 don't do that. So here was a really great question from a dad. If you ask our son to do something that he doesn't want to do, he will start screaming and saying, no, it feels like we have to repeat ourselves a hundred times. You're not alone. We have tried timeouts in every form of discipline and nothing works. Look, we don't do permissive parenting, but I'm also not doing rigid parenting either. If you have a strong-willed child or neurodivergent child, you must, must, must understand to begin to implement the concept of ownership. So here's what that is. I do not give kids control of my home or my classroom, but I do give them ownership of their choices within my boundaries. So this is that step number four that we began in the last podcast. Look, we're talking about bright independent kids who have definite opinions.

Starting point is 00:07:12 They've got an agenda. They've got ideas about how they want their lives to run, but they have very few opportunities to have a say over their choices. But think about this. When we were kids, we had more independence and ownership of our lives. Remember, we would disappear all day and come back home at dinnertime. We were out making dozens of decisions by ourselves with our friends, solving problems, figuring things out by ourselves, and there were no adults around. But nowadays, your kids can't do anything now without an adult being present, organizing everything, and making sure it's perfect and it's suffocating. Look, I think our parents did a really good job of doing this. They gave us space, right, to be outside, to go figure out things ourselves.

Starting point is 00:08:02 Plus, we weren't bugging them in the house 24-7. It was easier for them. But they gave us space to make our choices. And there was a subtle form of respect that we miss from those days. What our parents were saying is, look, we can't teach you everything. So we're going to model it. We're going to give you space to learn the hard way because we respect you enough to know that when you do encounter tough things in life, you'll figure it out. See, that was kind of a

Starting point is 00:08:33 beautiful thing. And sometimes your child's defiance is their way of saying, mom, dad, I know what you want me to do, but I'd like to try it a different way. I don't mind touching the hot stove. I don't mind the consequences because what I value most is some agency, is the ability to try some things, to do it a different way and figure it out on my own. I need some space to make my own decisions. I've got a good mind. I have ideas.

Starting point is 00:09:03 Why can't you give me some space? But we're often in such a rush and we're trying to create kind of this perfect childhood, right? That we don't allow our kids time to try, to fail and try again. And so if you have a strong will child, you've got to slow your life down or you will send your kids off into the world ill-equipped to make decisions and manage their own lives because right now you're too busy managing their lives for them. No blame, no guilt, but own that. You've got to step back so they can step up. So here's what ownership means to me conceptually. I create kind of this large box for my kids to live in. And this box has very

Starting point is 00:09:48 clear boundaries. But the box is larger because I want to give kids space. And so here's what I'm kind of saying to my kids. Look, my rules, my expectations, my boundaries as your parent are very clear. This is exactly what I expect. But I am going to give you some space and ownership within my boundaries to do things differently than I would do them as long as we accomplish the same objective. Let me repeat that. I'm going to give you space to do things differently than I would do them as long as you accomplish the same objective. See, I'm not saying if you do your homework, if you get up for school, if you do your chores, oh no, you're going to do your homework, go to school, you're going to do your chores. But I just relinquish control over how you get these things done. And that is going to be the stumbling block for many of you.

Starting point is 00:10:49 Because you are smart, successful people who have learned how life works best and most effectively and efficiently. And you know it would be easier for your kids. And by the way, more efficient for your family and your agenda. If they would just do it your way. But your strong-willed child is never, ever, ever, ever going to do things your way. And you can fight that all you want, but it just doesn't change the truth of that. Some of you are simply control freaks like me. You're too rigid.

Starting point is 00:11:24 Oh, it's my way or the highway. I'll show them how to do it. It's not going to work because you've already tried that, haven't you? It didn't work. Now you just gave up and now you don't even bother messing with the kids anymore like I did. I went in hardcore at first, my way or the highway. And when that didn't work, I was like, peace out. I'm out of here. I'll just let you raise the child. I'll go earn some money, right? And that's what a lot of us do at times. And that's not the right thing either.

Starting point is 00:11:51 So what will happen is if you do this approach is you will create endless power struggles because you insist on maintaining control, which is an illusion anyway, and something you can't do with a strong willed child because they will resist you even harder or shut down. So you have to work on your own anxiety, your perfectionism, your control issues. And again, no blame or no guilt, but if you don't work on your own anxiety and control issues, you will literally create power struggle after power struggle in your home. And some of you are going to blame it. Well, he's just a stubborn kid. I'm like, where do you think he got it from?

Starting point is 00:12:35 You're being just as stubborn. So I promise you, if you learn how to do this, your kids will step up and be responsible. It's cool. So instead of imprisoning your kids in this tiny box of your making, you've got to give them space. What if we respected our kids enough to give them the same space our parents gave us to mess up, to try it a different way, to touch the hot stove. So, I will give you space, space to do things differently than I would do them, as long as we accomplish the same objective. When you relinquish control over how they do things,

Starting point is 00:13:18 they will also relinquish the constant power struggles. And it will also change them from feeling kids who are always failures, like they can never please you. They can never do it well enough. And it will get rid of so much unnecessary stress in your home. And by the way, it will keep spouses from fighting with each other because one spouse just digs in all the time and thinks the other one is letting the other spouse get away, let the kids get away with things. Got to work on this together. So if you can lean into this, it will literally save you hundreds of power struggles during your child's life. So here is a great first question to ask your child. How do you want to accomplish this? You didn't ask them if they want to accomplish

Starting point is 00:14:03 it. You're asking, how do you want to accomplish it. You're asking how do you want to accomplish this? Look, I'm not fighting you over your homework, but I will give you ownership over how and where you do your homework. Look, do you want to lie upside down off the sofa listening to music while doing a math worksheet? Go for it. Cool with me. Do you want to do your homework sitting in my master bedroom closet because you like confined spaces? Good. I don't care. I just want it done. But I'm giving you ownership over how and where it gets done. I want you to begin thinking of different ways you can give your kids ownership.

Starting point is 00:14:41 And one of my favorite phrases is to say, I believe you are smart enough to know what needs to be done and what the consequences are if you don't. And I don't care how you get it done. Just let me know when it's completed. And then you step back and give them some space to own it. Because when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. And I can hear thousands of you saying, well, yeah, that's all fine and everything, but what happens when I step back and homework doesn't get done? Gotcha. I hear you. That's when we give kids tools to succeed. Remember, we covered that in the last podcast episode, and I'm going to cover this in more

Starting point is 00:15:23 detail in upcoming back to school episodes on how you can jumpstart your child's brain, how you can internally motivate them. So just wait, check that out. But for right now, let's this week, let's work on giving our kids ownership. So for that young child who fights over taking a bath, brushing teeth, getting ready, let's make it a challenge and see if he wants to do those things in some weird way or a more grown-up way. Does he get to turn the water on, dump the bubbles in the bath, dry himself off, get ready with Metallica playing?

Starting point is 00:15:58 I'm kidding. Sweep the floor with the broom behind his back and between his legs? Put a lot of energy into that. So let me give you a couple fun examples. And then you can go through the Get Everything package on the website to really dive into this with dozens of examples there. Here's one of my favorites. When we had, back in the day, when we had those camps at our home where we had all the kids come in, all the kids had responsibilities. And one day there was a girl named Morgan. She was awesome. And it was her job to clean the kitchen floor after lunch. And she was an especially

Starting point is 00:16:30 fiery, spicy, strong willed girl. And she refused, of course. And I said, Morgan, I don't care how you clean up the mac and cheese and chicken nuggets off the floor. Just use your creativity. I don't care if you crawl like a snake and clean the floor with your mouth. And then I walked out of the room because I knew that is what she would choose. I know it's gross, but it was good for her immune system. So just to, you know why? Because she wanted to prove her point. She wanted to be different. And so I turned and I smiled as, as I left the room and I saw her eat a couple macaroni noodles off the floor. And I just kept walking. Why? Because I also knew it was disgusting and she made her point, but I knew she didn't want to clean the entire floor that way. And I wanted her to be able to save face and clean a more traditional way. So when I came back into the room, she was using the

Starting point is 00:17:27 broom, of course, in a different and odd way. But when I saw that, I got some cranberry juice out of this hidden cupboard because Morgan, her favorite drink was cranberry juice. And I rarely gave it to her. But on this occasion, I got it out of the cupboard. I poured two glasses and she and I sat at the kitchen counter like two grownups having a glass of wine. And I told her, hey, good job. I appreciate your help. And that was it. And I know it's disgusting to many of you, but you have to lean into your child's nature. It's going to change you so much from seeing so rigid and having so many control issues and so much anxiety. it's going to change you so much from seeing so rigid and having so many control issues and so much anxiety. It's going to liberate you to be a new person. It is so cool.

Starting point is 00:18:12 So let's do this one. Morning routine. That can be brutal for many of you. Now, some of your kids have anxiety about school, and that's a major issue. I'm going to cover that in the upcoming Back to School podcast. Some don't sleep that well. Some just don't like school. So we use a lot of tools like waking kids up to a treasure hunt, foraging for their breakfast outside in the morning, listening to obnoxious music just to get them up. But here's my favorite ownership example for morning routine.

Starting point is 00:18:41 Look, I know it shouldn't be hard. You and I both know how to get up and get ready very efficiently without a big fight. And we want our kids ideally to get up, get a shower, eat a healthy breakfast with avocado and blueberries and healthy protein. So their brain is ready to learn. And we'd like to get them, get some exercise and wear clean clothes. Some of you even want them wearing clothes that match. Not going to happen with your strong will kids a lot of time. So then they will march off to school ready to learn and also make us look like responsible good parents. Watch that. But the more you push, the more you want something, the more

Starting point is 00:19:16 your strong will child will resist you because they know they can never please you or satisfy your anxiety about them or how they do things. So you must control your anxiety and your control issues in the morning, right? So a glass of wine, I mean coffee, and you'll be all set. So here's what I would say to my son. Casey, I have one goal for you every morning. I want you to be on that school bus or in that car pool at 7.21 a.m. I don't care what you look like, what you smell like.

Starting point is 00:19:47 I don't care what's in your stomach. Just be on that bus at 7.21 a.m. If you are smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you're going to wear to school the next day, including that same hoodie you've been wearing for 18 straight days, that's brilliant. You can sleep until 7.19 a.m., roll out of bed, grab that pop tart that you hid under your bed. You can run out to the bus at 7.21. You don't even have to have your shoes on. You can put those on during the bus ride. I don't care. Just be on that bus at 7.21

Starting point is 00:20:17 a.m. And then you have to step back and go about your own business and focus on yourself and your other kids and control your tone of voice and not lecture and give this strong willed child an opportunity to own his morning routine or her morning routine, however they're going to do it. And I know this is hard because you know the right way to do it. But when that child, look, here's the thing. Once you give your kids ownership of something, some of you, it's giving them ownership of their faith. It's ownership of some of their choices, again, within your boundaries. Once they own it, they own it for life. That's a lot different than trying to impose something on someone against their will.

Starting point is 00:21:05 See, when that child eventually makes it to the bus on time, when they come home from school, this is what you have to do. You force a smile, you give them a fist bump, and you say through gritted teeth, Nice job making the bus this morning. Because the truth is you're going to hate the way they get ready in the morning. And you will feel like you're being an irresponsible parent sending your child off to school without a proper breakfast with tangled and mangled matted hair in a stinky sweatshirt and it will irritate you to no end and that's normal but fight that impulse it's not like anything you have tried up to this point has really worked anyway that's the number one reason we get when people get our biotic programs.

Starting point is 00:21:48 They're like, we've spent thousands of dollars on therapy. We have tried literally everything else. Nothing works. And so you've tried all that. Your child still slinks off to school or they don't go to school. But now you will have created dozens or even hundreds of power struggles and negative interactions first thing in the morning. And maybe even said damaging things like I used to, which is, I'll know why you have to make everything so difficult. You were so pigheaded and you miss countless opportunities to praise your kids for their independence because you were so focused on their stubbornness and their refusal to do it your way or the right way.

Starting point is 00:22:28 And it just doesn't work. Many of you have lied to your child in the winter when your child heads out the door in shorts and a hoodie with no jacket when it's freezing out. Well, honey, you have to wear a jacket or you'll catch a cold. That's not true. You'd catch a cold from germs, not cold weather. The truth is I don't want the other parents and teachers to think I'm a bad parent sending my child to school unprepared for the cold.

Starting point is 00:22:51 See, that's your own anxiety. That's your own anxiety over how they do things. And this will be a never-ending battle throughout their childhood over literally everything until you learn how to control yourself. 30 days to calm program. Accept your child as he or she is and release them to be who they are. No BS program. And give them ownership over their choices. That's on the Strong Willed Child program. And give them tools to succeed. Discipline That Works program, right? They will eventually do it closer to your way if you model it and back off and give them some space. But they want to learn the hard way by touching the hot stove.

Starting point is 00:23:35 Look, I want your kids eating a healthy breakfast in the morning, but it's not like your lectures have ever worked. They're never going to say, Mom, I didn't realize that what I was putting in my body was so unhealthy, but after you lectured me for the 18th time and showed me the food pyramid, which is inverted and all wrong anyway, I'm motivated to eat a healthy breakfast. Instead, they will discover in third period that their stomach hurts and that they're freezing at their bus stop. And one day, maybe three months from now, after exhausting all their other options, like stealing other kids food or bartering for a jacket, they'll come downstairs and make

Starting point is 00:24:11 themselves breakfast and possibly even grab a windbreaker and run out the door. But they will have owned their own choices and gotten ready on their terms and in their way, not yours. And they value that independence and autonomy and agency more than they fear any consequence you could give them. And you have to understand and internalize that on a very deep level or it's going to be power struggle after power struggle and you're going to destroy their confidence in your relationship. So work on this. I'm going to end the podcast here.

Starting point is 00:24:45 I've got point number five on internal motivation. I'm going to do that in the next week or so. So I want you to learn to control your own anxiety and control issues. Give your kids tools to succeed. Affirm them for good choices. Give them ownership. This is where I would say the program's proven valuable because I give dozens of

Starting point is 00:25:05 examples. And you can play the programs 24-7 through your phone, in the car, in the kitchen. Look, I'd even play the programs that are part of this podcast. Let your strong-willed kids listen to this and ask them, hey, does this resonate with you? What do you want more ownership of? How can you be more responsible? Ask them that. That's really cool. Teach them how they're made. Work with their nature. Because once you get this on a deep level, man, it is so, so cool.

Starting point is 00:25:38 So thank you for diving into this. Thank you for taking it seriously. Thank you for listening to the podcast, for sharing it, for subscribing. Thanks for engaging with me on our Instagram page. I have so much respect for you. This is hard work and you're going to wrestle because you're, look, many of you, you're wrestling against everything that you were taught growing up and you're breaking generational patterns of how your parents did the highway or highway controlling thing with you and that's hard work but when you do that you liberate your kids because they won't have to do that because you did it for them so much respect for you let us know how we can help

Starting point is 00:26:17 love you all bye

Calm Parenting Podcast - Child Won’t Follow Rules, Not Motivated by Rewards or Consequences, Gets Angry When Say No

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