Calm Parenting Podcast - Complaining, Bored kids and Judgmental Relatives (Vacation Tips)

Starting point is 00:00:00 So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine, no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is OneSkin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin.

Starting point is 00:00:40 OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at oneskin.co. That's 15% off at oneskin.co with code KIRK. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them, so please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K to 12.

Starting point is 00:01:26 IXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback, and parents love knowing specific skills that need work. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now.

Starting point is 00:02:03 Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So many of you are going to have family get-togethers this weekend all through the year. Some of you are about to go on a week-long family vacation and that means your kids are going to be off their schedule. They're going to be exhausted and overwhelmed and they're going to have massive tantrums and meltdowns in front of your family members who have the perfect children and you're going to get judged. Doesn't it sound awesome? Look, I want to make this different.

Starting point is 00:02:46 So this is a special kind of last-minute bonus podcast episode for a couple special Instagram families about to dive into a week-long family vacation. So forgive me if this isn't polished and I'm a little bit more blunt. Just roll with it. And you can also apply these principles to managing larger family issues throughout the year during get-togethers. And just some of you have parents living with you. The grandparents are in the house.

Starting point is 00:03:11 So, look, you're probably equally excited about the family vacation with your relatives because everybody's going to be together. And you're equally dreading family vacation because everybody's going to be together. See, at home, you sometimes have to manage the emotions of your kids and spouse, which is hard enough. But now you have in-laws and your own parents and siblings literally watching you parent a strong-willed child who is at times unparentable. So on top of that, vacations aren't always a vacation for some parents who take on extra responsibilities. You come home more exhausted needing an actual vacation. So how can we manage this time better than we have in the past? Here are some ideas. I'm going to break it into three parts for handling your kids, handling that general time together, and then some talks and strategies you can use with your extended family. So let's talk

Starting point is 00:04:11 about your kids first. You've got kids who struggle with unknowns and unfamiliar things, and they don't do well with that. So let's plan ahead. Look, I would pull up a layout of the vacation rental ahead of time so your child can look at it, see the floor plan, perhaps see which bedroom will be his or hers. You can pull up Google Maps and look at the surrounding area. Where are their favorite stores or fun places you can retreat to? Put your strong-willed child in coming up with some alternative activities. Look up maybe there are movies or concerts in the park,

Starting point is 00:04:44 some markets that they might want to go to, something that would interest them. Number two, our kids like doing more grown-up activities and responsibilities. So would your child want to put together a grocery list? Be responsible for being grandma's porter with the luggage. Maybe making signs for each bedroom with people's names on it because that provides a certain amount of order. They get to do something creative. Maybe it's cooking a meal one day, looking up jet ski rentals. Have them come up with a rainy day plan. Your kids like to plan ahead like that. They like to feel in control of things. Number three, this is really important. And this isn't just vacation, but I think this is really good insight.

Starting point is 00:05:37 Many of you have kids who will complain the entire vacation and then like all day, every day. Then two weeks later, when the grandparents maybe who didn't go on vacation, ask how vacation was, you will hear your strong-willed child say, that grandma, that was the best vacation ever. And you're going to be in the other room thinking, wait, what? All you did was complain the entire time. Here's what's going on. I did an Instagram post on this that garnered a lot of feedback, negative and positive. I want you to know this is not a gratitude issue. I am very clear about gratitude. It is a superpower in life and it is best taught simply by modeling, not by obnoxious lectures to give thanks and be grateful in the moment. No, you model, you live it. Let your kids see how you handle disappointment and adversity in life. But that's not what this is about.

Starting point is 00:06:28 This is about, oh, by the way, I just, I hate those lectures. Kids, it's really important that you show gratitude for, eh, just live it out, right? People don't want to be lectured about their attitude. And I just lectured you about yours and you didn't like that either. So this is about, this is what this is about. This is about kids who are verbally and emotionally very expressive. It's not an excuse for it. It's not like, oh, we just have to coddle our children. No, it's just understanding the way they're made. And when they encounter even a small disappointment, they vent immediately and it's usually overblown. They catastrophize. Great, now the whole day,

Starting point is 00:07:07 whole week is going to be ruined. Do not correct them right away. Don't try to make it better. Don't try to explain it or convince them that everything's going to be okay because that's annoying. And look, this is annoying too. Your child's constant complaining when you're trying to do something very nice for them is annoying. But it's how they process emotions. And in some ways it's better than just bottling it all up. And then, not that all people who bottle up end up seeking drugs and alcohol for it, but sometimes that happens. Look, I know this because our son is the same way. And he got that trait from me.

Starting point is 00:07:47 He's one of the most grateful people I know. So it's not a gratitude issue. And I think this is good insight. Sometimes people like us catastrophize because we are setting and managing expectations. So we say the whole day is going to be ruined and then it's not, well, then that's a win. So here are several different options for responding that don't involve a snotty lecture about gratitude or you trying to make everything better. One, you can simply ignore it and know it will pass. And that's a perfectly fine option.

Starting point is 00:08:26 You could match their intensity. I would try some of these and see what resonates with your child. You know what? That really does stink when that happens. I hate when my plans get changed at the last minute. Sometimes that intense validation just feels good. They feel heard. There's something very magical about that at times. Now, I like this one a lot after school and on vacation because some of your kids after

Starting point is 00:08:51 school, it's like vent, vent, vent. So here's what I would say. Hey guys, here's what we are going to do. I am going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent. Now look, the seven and a half minutes is for a reason. Look, that number is arbitrary. You can choose any time that you like. I just like it because it's between five and ten. It gives them enough time to vent, but it's not too long. And it's very specific, which means there's a clear end to it. When you use specific time limits, it means you've thought it through that you're serious. And the specificity is very grounding for kids because most of us have meltdowns and get upset when things feel like

Starting point is 00:09:30 they're out of our control. Specificity in giving kids something specific to do a specific time limit can be very grounding. So just tuck that in the back of your head. So guys, child, I'm going to give you seven and a half minutes to vent about everything that you don't like about your day at school or about this vacation. You can tell me everything and I will listen. But after seven and a half minutes is up, no more. Then we either move on or we problem solve how to fix things. Got it?

Starting point is 00:10:02 See, you're giving them an opportunity to vent, but within your boundaries and with a clear end point. And then I would refuse to listen to any more venting after that. I just got it. You know, I'm done. I'm willing to problem solve right now. Now, caveat is, look, if something super emotional happened at school or there's a big relationship issue that's a true issue, then don't cut them off at seven and a half minutes. But if this is just venting, seven and a half is just fine. You have every right to say, hey, I like that you get your feelings and frustrations out, but not everyone wants to hear about it. And the world doesn't revolve around you. And by the way, I like saying that. That's

Starting point is 00:10:44 not being snotty. You know, the whole world doesn't revolve around you. And by the way, I like saying that. That's not being snotty. You know, the whole world doesn't revolve around you. I'm not saying that. I'm just a statement of fact. Everything's not about you. The world doesn't revolve around you. So if you're going to vent, come do it alone with me while we go for a walk, while we sit in our room, while you take a bath, whatever it is.

Starting point is 00:11:04 At some point, I would ask this. Hey, I'm curious. Are you really unhappy right now? Are you really this miserable? Or is this just how you process disappointment? Because it would be helpful if they knew that that's what they were doing instead of feeling like they were negative, ungrateful jerks all the time. By the way, quick anecdote. A couple months ago, Casey texted me about this blood test he had to do. And it meant fasting overnight well into the next day. Plus, he couldn't drink water or even brush his teeth in the morning.

Starting point is 00:11:36 And he was venting and catastrophizing. And I remember I was in the gym. And my parental impulse was to say, you know what? I don't think it's going to be that bad. Why do we do that? Why do we need things to be better for them or have them not complain? And so I caught myself because I try to live this out and I text it back. You know what? That really stinks. I'd hate that. And guess what? He was done. He just wanted someone to agree that it was going to be awful. And I did agree

Starting point is 00:12:05 because it was awful, but he lived through it. Number four. Okay. One more for your kids. When they are inevitably bored, do not own it or fix it or react to it. You can go old school and say, hey, if you're bored, we've got some cleaning we need some help with. But mainly I want you to put it in their court hey you know boredom stinks so what are you going to do to solve your boredom issue don't try to make it better don't apologize I like this as well you know I believe you're capable of using your creativity and imagination to solve your boredom you look you can make a small suggestion you know I bet grandma could use some help with X right now.

Starting point is 00:12:45 But don't own it. Don't try to fix it. I want them to learn how to do that. Okay, so let's come up with some strategies for while your family is all together. What I want you to know most of all is that it's your family. Do what is right for your child and your family. You are going to get judged and relatives are going to whisper behind your back anyway. So you may as well do what works for your family. Trust your instincts. Here's a good one. Plan time away from

Starting point is 00:13:21 extended family. You have strong will kids who are not going to be on a normal sleep schedule, so they're going to be tired. They're going to be eating junk food all day. They're going to be overstimulated by older cousins and all the noise and chaos. So it's overwhelming. And you know that leads to massive meltdowns and tantrums right in front of old school grandparents and your brother and sister-in-law who have perfect children.

Starting point is 00:13:49 So plan alone time. Plan your escape, plan time away during the day. Go your own way for a few hours, especially in the middle of the week, you know, after a few days when everybody's getting on everybody's nerves. So you could do this, hey, you know what, I'm going to run to the grocery store. Anybody need anything? And then come back like four hours later after letting your kids play at a local park or sit and read or just have a quiet lunch with you somewhere fun. This has always been my go-to because everybody always needs something from the grocery store and it gives me an opportunity to be helpful and escape for a little while. By the way, dads, this doesn't mean you go alone for four hours. Take one of the kids. I know all these tricks.

Starting point is 00:14:28 If you're at the beach, go for a long walk. If you have an ecologically minded kid, take trash bags and walk down the beach picking up trash. Well, but my parents paid for this vacation and I feel obligated to spend every minute together. Well, then you're just going to have to grow up and break that pattern. This is really hard, right? They don't get to use guilt manipulation on you unless you allow it. And I know you've probably experienced this since you were a little kid, but you've got to break free of that. Look, they're grown adults. And if they pay so they can control you, then I

Starting point is 00:15:01 would pay your own way or just have that tough talk. And look, you can just be honest and open. Look, my kiddos are tired and overstimulated, and so am I. So we're going to go out for a couple hours just to decompress. Anybody need anything while we're out? See you later this afternoon. That's just honesty. And then that gives the rest of the family time to talk behind your back,

Starting point is 00:15:24 but at least you don't have to hear it. So this is what we did one year. It threw everyone into turmoil. We were having a great day at the beach. It was just a perfect day and everybody was just, it was awesome but everybody was beginning to pack up and head up to get ready for dinner and I said, you know what, it's so relaxing. The weather's perfect. The kids are having such a good time. We're just going to stay at the beach for a few more hours and then we'll just snack on something later. And everyone said, that's a really great idea. You guys enjoy your time. Yeah, that's not what happened. Everybody started making faces and grunting and whispering and talking about blah, blah, blah, right? So I just said, look, you guys

Starting point is 00:16:06 go have an amazing time. We get one week per year at the beach and we want to take advantage of this. I did not offer for them to stay and eat subs on the beach with us because we wanted the alone time. Look, do that this year. It's your family time. And that way, they could all enjoy dinner together, feeling superior to us and talking about us freely. And this, look, this is important. You will also begin to understand what it feels like to be the black sheep of the family, the one who is misunderstood, which is what your strong-willed child feels like, right? And look, you're going to say, well, what about our families? Isn't that rude to change plans? Look, I'm not talking about missing grandpa's 75th birthday dinner.

Starting point is 00:16:50 They're all grown adults. Stop managing the emotions of everybody else. Stop managing the happiness of the entire family. Because what happens when you try to control other people's moods and fix everything is you become miserable and that makes everybody else miserable. They're grown adults, right? You've been coddling them and walking on eggshells around them, trying to please them and not make them upset since you were a little kid for 35, 45 years. And you may have married someone and you're doing the same thing. It's time to stop that pattern. And I'm not making light of it. This may be one of the hardest things you do in your life to say no to your own parents, because it's going to feel, especially those you were really raised where it was like, oh,

Starting point is 00:17:35 that's disrespectful. You have to honor your parents. And that means be abused by them or manipulated by them. This is hard work. If you do have our programs, Moms and Dads, go through the Straight Talk for Moms or the Dads program, because we go through that and the 30 Days to Calm in quite a bit of detail, because it makes a big deal in your marriage. Because if one of the spouses is always giving in to his or her mom and dad just to make them happy, but at the expense of the spouse and the family, that causes real marriage issues. So let's take this time this coming year and let's work on that because it'll liberate you

Starting point is 00:18:14 and it'll liberate them. Otherwise, you're gonna sacrifice your children and teach your kids to be manipulated by the tantrums of other people. So it's time to draw a line in the literal sand. Guess what? You, if you do this, you will have done the right thing for your family, modeled for the kids how to have courage graciously, and you or your kids, you're going to remember that day and evening on the beach for years. Look, here's another one. If your kids need

Starting point is 00:18:41 a certain diet that works best for them, bring your own food. If you have little kids who don't sit well at the table or have picky eaters, let them eat early and play while you all are enjoying your adult time at the table. Don't make it harder than it has to be. Don't give in to peer pressure. Be ruthless in trusting your instincts and knowing what works for your kids and your family. So watch. This is interesting. It's going to happen to you this week. When you have those conflicting feelings inside of you between, oh, I know what my instincts are, but I've got guilt or pressure from relatives, trust your gut instincts and do that. Okay. let's talk about this. Read the moment.

Starting point is 00:19:28 There are going to be times when family is all together and you've told your kids something and you've given them a rule or created some expectation and they're going to push back. I'll just make this about me because this would have happened to me when Casey was little. I would find myself in this position where I knew what was going on. I had made a rule or declaration about something, but I knew Casey was tired or hungry or just not in a good emotional place. But I didn't want to back down because then I would appear to be a wuss in front of my brothers and parents. And then they'd say, see, you let that kid get away with too much. If you would just lay down the law,

Starting point is 00:20:07 he would not act up like this. And when Casey was little, before I developed some courage and wisdom, I'd give in to the peer pressure and the situation would predictably blow up massively in front of everyone. And then I finally matured a bit and I learned to read the moment. There are

Starting point is 00:20:26 times to be tough and not give an inch when you're relaxed and calm and patient, when your child isn't overwhelmed or overtired. And then there are times when you read the moment and say, you know what? This isn't the time to fall on my sword. I'm exhausted. I'm not patient. My child is tired. So I'm going to use wisdom. And maybe you have a secret code word or signal with your spouse planned ahead of time. So when you get in these tricky moments, you can look at each other for reassurance. Have an exit strategy planned. Oh, honey, I just remembered I could really use some help upstairs fixing something, opening something. Could you come upstairs and help me? And that could be either asking the other spouse for help to get out of that situation or the child for exit strategy. So sometimes there's times when you're tough and times when you just

Starting point is 00:21:18 need to get through the night and live to play another day when everybody is more fresh. Okay, so how do we talk to family? You don't owe anyone an explanation. The onus is on others to be gracious and supportive, not judgmental and unsupportive. You could be straightforward and say, look, I know our parenting looks different than what you guys did. I try to take what you did really well and also blend it with what works best with our strong-, well child. And I know you have all repeatedly said, we'll just give them consequences,

Starting point is 00:21:49 but we've done that the right way. And here she just simply doesn't care. And if they object to that, you can be snarky and combative if you wish. Some of you are like that. Roll with it. Being calm doesn't mean you're a doormat, and you don't have to be on the defensive. So, look, family, if you want our family to be about correcting each other's behavior, I'm all in, because you all don't respond to consequences. Mom, Dad, you eat unhealthy food, you're overweight, even though there are dire consequences for that. Uncle Frank drinks way too much, and Aunt Sally smokes, plus being judgmental takes years off your life.

Starting point is 00:22:25 Look, some of these are just fun conversations to have in your head or with your spouse to blow off steam. What I would really focus on is something constructive. Look, I know you guys love your grandkids, your nephew, your niece. If you really want to help us, here are concrete ways to help. Number one, your grandchild is really bright but struggles in school, and everyone only talks about school, but your grandchild is amazing at, and fill in the blank, seeing in three dimensions, building really cool things, seeing patterns, creating, drawing and writing their own music, building robots, understanding black holes and electromagnetic currents, whatever it is.

Starting point is 00:23:06 Could you begin asking your grandchild about things they are curious about? Grandpa, you're really into X. Why not ask your grandson or granddaughter to come help you build or fix that? Because I'd really like you to see them shine doing what they love instead of just pointing out all the things they aren't good at. Number two, look, we could all use your wisdom. You guys have lived rich, long lives. Surely you have met some wildly successful adults and entrepreneurs who share the same traits as your grandchildren. Tell the stories about these interesting people and how they use their curiosity, their willingness to take risks. They were big dreamers. They were creators.

Starting point is 00:23:51 Tell stories about them. Inspire your grandkids. Look, this is another snarky one, but when the family brings up school and grades, if your child doesn't excel in that area, redirect conversation to the robot your child built or someone they helped with their big heart. If you want to be snarky when your relatives brag about their perfect child and bring up school to rub it in, you could reply with, oh, how quaint that your child is able to sit still all day and follow people's arbitrary rules. Our son built a working robot, but memorizing rote facts is pretty special too. Right now, look, you don't have to say that, but it is fun to imagine at times. Three, instead of trying to fix them, look, I'd want your family to understand your kids and what makes them tick,

Starting point is 00:24:40 what their strengths are, what their weaknesses are. So guys, if you really want to help, listen to these two specific episodes of this podcast. It doesn't have to be mine, just another one that you like, but it should be mine. Kidding. This guy explains what's going on in their brains really well. I think you'll find it interesting. And then share two episodes of this podcast

Starting point is 00:25:02 or someone else's podcast that you found helpful. Ask your strong-willed child to help the grandparents load the podcast app on their phones. Look, if you have our programs, simply email us with your relative's email address, and we'll send them access to all the programs via the app. Or you can say, Mom and Dad, you're always asking how you can help. Could you buy us this guy's programs? They're on a summer sale and it's way cheaper than therapy. And then everybody in the family can listen. Four, what I want to focus on most is the connection part. Look, you guys only have so many years left and I'd love for our kids to have amazing memories of their time

Starting point is 00:25:41 with you. Not feeling like grandma and grandpa never really liked them. I had to say that to my dad. So give grandparents and others specific ways they can engage with your child's gifts, talents, and passions. Giving your child kids missions so that your kids shine. Because look, maybe one of your kids likes to cook and he helps Uncle Frank barbecue on the grill one night. Give them, put your kids in a position to do those adult type jobs where they shine. Okay, so now replay this podcast episode out loud for everyone in your family to hear. What I really want is for you to be courageous and do what is right for your family. Eliminate the unknowns.

Starting point is 00:26:22 Have your escape route planned. Trust your instincts. Take some time alone. Put your kids in a position to shine. You can do this. Just let us know how we can help. Hey, much love from our family to yours. Have a good time on vacation and let us know how we can help.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Complaining, Bored kids and Judgmental Relatives (Vacation Tips)

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.