Calm Parenting Podcast - Concerned About Social Skills?

Episode Date: December 1, 2018

Kirk explains why your kids get along better with adults, younger kids, and/or animals…but struggle with peers. Should you be concerned? Should your child see a counselor for this? His answer may surprise you. Not for the faint of heart so be ready to change yourself instead of your child! Want Kirk to bring this same life-changing advice to your school, church, or organization? Email [e-mail] with the name of your organization/city/country and we’ll make it happen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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angry way because her question was just very honest and she's frustrated. But I decided to record this tonight while it's fresh and top of mind. If I use a little bit of language that you don't like, I apologize up front. But I just want to go with the way my gut reaction to this question is. And so a couple quick things before I get there. If this sounds better, you can thank my son Casey because he said, Dad, your podcasts are awesome, but they sound awful. You need a real microphone. I was like, like many of your kids, I'm resistant to new things. So he tested it and said, Dad, it sounds a lot better. Use it. So it sounds better to thank Casey next time you talk to him or email him. And by the way, if you want us to come to your town, especially, he wanted me to mention, we're going to be up in Upper Michigan, up Minnesota. We've got a chance to come to Canada.

We haven't been to Toronto and some places in Canada in quite a while. So if you're listening in Canada, by the way, if you're listening in Europe, I don't care if you're in Istanbul, Bulgaria, Kosovo, Ukraine, Romania, and all through Western Europe, we love speaking over there. Because, you know, parents are the same everywhere, and we do the same stupid stuff with our kids no matter where you live. But we'd love to come and help you out and bring some of this insight to you. So here's the question I get.

Very common. So this kid, mom writes, her son doesn't have a lot of friends. Right. So he feels out of place at lunchtime. And so now he's just choosing to take a book in and read by himself. So mom and teachers get concerned. And now they're starting to talk to him about the importance of making friends. Forgive me for the mocking tone, but it makes me vomit. So what we do to our kids all the time with this stuff. So the son insists, hey, I'm okay.

I'm okay just reading the book and being alone. But mom recommends, you know what, Manny, maybe you should talk to a counselor about it. And the son adamantly refuses. So hence, later at night, these are when I get all the emails because the kids are finally in bed, not asleep, but finally in bed and the parents are freaking out about it, usually moms. And so, you know what I mean? And so before I give you my gut reaction to this situation, let me qualify it with this. Yes, let's model for our kids how to make friendships. Let's give them tools and watch. This is important. I want to

give this son, this child, this young man, I want to give him tools to learn how to make friends when he is ready. And that's important when he's ready to do it. I want to teach him how to ask questions of others, how to inquire about their interests, how to discover a common interest, and then have a two-way conversation. See, many of your kids dominate conversations, and they talk about the same thing over and over again. And it's just anxiety and immaturity, right? You know what? Social interaction is scary because if I go up and talk to another person, I don't know what they're going to say. I don't know how I'm going to react. If I'm a slow processor like I am, like many of your kids are,

I have trouble sometimes with auditory processing and so do many of your kids. So we'll respond awkwardly at times. So social interaction can be kind of scary. When I just talk to you about the same thing again and again and again and I'm a kid, that's my safe zone, right? So look, you've got to look beneath the surface of these things. We just label our kids with all these things and think there's something horribly wrong with them when they're not. And look, some of your kids don't have friends. You know why? Because they rub other kids the wrong way. It's part of their personality. It's part of the way they're

made. And that makes you uncomfortable. But deal with it because you're an adult. Sorry, I'm skipping ahead. Stop projecting your own wants and needs and what you value onto your kids. Look, there are a lot of moms out there who are awesome and dads too, but a lot of moms, you've got lots of friends and you get together with your friends. And so you want your kids to have lots of friends. And you know what? You're projecting that onto them. There are a lot of people, including me, who don't want a lot of friends. I don't like people. I'm kidding. I like people. I love people. But I don't want a lot of friends. I want a few very close friends that I can go deep with, that really gets me and understand me. I find a lot of people, men my age, boring. I think they're boring because they all talk about the same thing over and over again. They're not

interesting to me. I like really interesting people who think differently. And you know what? There aren't a lot of those out there. And I hope that I know that probably makes you sound like a jerk, which is another reason maybe I don't have a lot of friends. But if you ever meet me in person, come out to a live event. I'm a really nice guy. But deep down, I don't want a lot of friends. I have a couple really, really, really close guy friends that I can share everything with. And they share stuff with me and we connect on a deeper level. But I'm not interested in getting together and just doing blah, blah, blah, talk. I'm not interested. I've got better things to do. I'd rather like this child, I'd rather just be reading a book by myself because that fascinates me and that engages my brain. So stop

projecting what you want onto your kids. Watch. Stop thinking there's something wrong with them because they're not like you. They don't want to be like you. Thank God they're not like you. I don't mean that in a bad way. That sounded horrible, didn't it? But I am glad they're not like you because we need different people. And that's where we get in trouble. So look, some kids don't want to have friends their own age. You know why? Because their friends, the other kids in their class, are boring and stupid. They just are. And it's, look, if you want to talk about artificial constructs in society, why don't we try this one? So we have this idea.

We're going to group a child that's nine together with only kids his own age. And he's going to go through 12 years of school and only be grouped with kids his exact own age. Not taking into account that many of your kids have something called asynchronous development. Asynchronous, out of sync. Intellectually, many of your kids, very, very bright. Great talks with older kids or adults. They love getting sent to the principal's office. Why? Because now they get to have an engaging conversation about geopolitical issues and figure stuff out. And they're awesome. But emotionally and socially, many of your kids are a little bit immature. They're a year or two behind. So guess what? They get along better with little kids and animals. Who do they struggle with? Kids their own age. It's awkward, so they don't want to be friends. So I'm always

giving kids tools for every skill, right? I want to teach them that when they're ready, here's how you make friendships. Here's a good way to have a conversation. It's the whole dinner party thing, right? When you go to a dinner party, what's the best way to handle it? You find someone, you start asking them questions about themselves. Why? Because people, I found that people love talking about themselves and then they'll walk away and they'll be like, wow, I had a great conversation with that guy. I'll be like, I didn't even say a word, but they loved it because I was curious about them. It took the focus off of me, and now I don't have to talk about myself, and it relieves the anxiety. So I'm always giving kids tools for every skill, whether it's impulse control, social skills, focus and attention, doing homework, feeling overwhelmed, handling anxiety.

Listen, we've got hundreds and hundreds of practical ways on the CD programs to do this. So listen to the CDs. But here's my gut reaction when I got this email. I've already skipped ahead to one of it, which is what? Stop projecting your needs onto the kid. Maybe he doesn't want to have a lot of friends. Stop projecting your anxiety onto your kids. Now, take this out of social skills and put it on just about everything else, whether your kids are doing well in school or not, whether they care about their homework, all of those things. Your kids, by and large, if you're listening to this, your kids aren't living up to their potential. They're just not. I know they're not,

right? And so you're like, well, they're capable of so much more. And if they would just do their best and try their hardest, they could do. And that will cause kids to shut down immediately. You've got to stop projecting your anxiety about your child's future onto them. And watch in this case, son's happy. He's fine at lunch, reading a book by himself. And yet we have to make it all about ourselves and get all like, well, I can't believe, you know, he doesn't have any friends and like he's sitting alone at the table and you're projecting how that would make you feel when there's many of us that are completely happy sitting at that table, reading a book and watch how awful this gets. Watch how awful this gets. I wish I could swear on these podcasts. I really do because I want to use the F word sometimes just to get through to us how important this stuff is because when I wrote out my notes

to this, my first, I'll just tell you what it was. I'm not going to say the word because some of you get offended too easily. And some of you are just really good people and you don't like bad language. But sometimes I do use bad language. You know why? Because there's intensity to this. You know what I'd written down? F-ing respect your son's wishes and get inside his brain and his heart instead of it being all about you, right? Here's another reaction. Stop making your kids talk about their feelings to a counselor or a therapist. Now, if your kids

have deep issues and they're struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts and they have other issues and they want to go see a counselor because that would help them out, by all means do it. But we way overdo this, right? Well, honey, do you want to talk about this to a counselor? Yeah, that's what I want to do. I want to go in and talk to this other person that I don't know and don't trust and tell them why I feel like such an effing loser because I don't have any friends. And then he can tell me about the importance of making friends. And then everybody can make me feel like there's something effing wrong with me when there's not. Can you see why I get upset at this? Because you know what you're really saying?

You're abnormal. So you need to go talk to someone about it. You know how devastating that is to kids? Look, the older I get, the more I realize, look, Celebrate Calm is founded on one principle, which is the only thing you can control in life is yourself. And if you begin controlling yourself as a parent and not lecturing and micromanaging your kids, your kids are going to figure this stuff out. And your kids are okay. Look, I worked with 1500 of these kids in my home. And you know why I stopped? Because the kids were fine. Yeah, they've got some issues and they need some tools, but I switched because I realized it's we as parents. And I include myself in that. We're the ones who have to change and have to control ourselves

because we keep sending these awful messages. You're abnormal. Why don't you go talk to someone about it? No, they don't need to talk to someone about it. And look, I get upset because we haven't trained, we haven't trained our teachers either because the mom wrote like those teachers are really concerned too. Teachers are paid professionals. They should know this. It's not the teacher's fault. They haven't been taught this stuff. But now you've got all these adults surrounding this child who already feels awkward and now they send the message there's something wrong with you and there's not. And it further reinforces the stigma and feeling that there's something wrong with you and there's not and it further reinforces the stigma and feeling that there's something wrong guess what your kids get this feeling 15 times a day

why because it can't take tests in the same amount of time because they're slow processors of information right and what we don't tell them is you know why you're a slow processor because you've got an awesome brain that's really busy and you're a good thinker and you like to think through things you know why you blurt out it's a good thing it's because you've got an awesome brain that's really busy, and you're a good thinker, and you like to think through things. You know why you blurt out? It's a good thing. It's because you've got a great brain, and you get lots of ideas, but you're afraid you're going to forget them, so you blurt out. And it's actually a good thing, and sometimes we need to affirm the kids who blurt out, and get on the other kids who don't blurt out, because they just don't have any creative ideas, and they don't care enough to blurt it out.

You know what I mean? If you switch things around, our kids wouldn't have confidence issues, right? They'd be being affirmed for these things. So they're just different and they value different things. And I want you to respect it. Respect your kids. Sometimes, not all the time, I realize you have defiant kids. My son was one of the most defiant children I have ever met. He was, but what he really was was frustrated, right? So sometimes we're like, well, they just need to respect us. Sometimes we need to respect our kids when they tell you something. Respect it. So instead of trying to change your son, why not go right now and compliment him and affirm him? Because just think, look, there's two ways to handle this. Son, I'm really concerned because you don't have any friends. Let me talk to you about the importance of making friends.

And if you can't make friends, maybe you should go talk to someone about it. Can you hear how much, you know why that makes me vomit? You can hear it. Look, I know why you say it as a parent. Your intentions are good. But I want you to slow down and think about this stuff and what we're saying to our kids. But what if instead you went to your son and said, Stephen, you know what I love about you? You're your own person. You don't feel the need to fit in and be a joiner and join

in with what everybody else is doing. You're independent. You're fine doing things alone and not always being part of the crowd. And look, if you ever want to be a part of the crowd, I'll give you a few tips that I use when I go to cocktail parties and work events where I feel kind of awkward. I've learned to simply ask other people questions about themselves. That way, I don't have to talk and I don't have to carry the conversation, but the other person talks, I listen, and I ask more questions. And I think I'm great because people love talking about themselves.

But Stephen, if you want to sit alone and read at lunch, I think that's way cool. Why waste your time talking about dumb stuff with other kids that you're not interested in? Right? I love the fact that you're curious. I love the fact that you like to read. I love the fact that during lunch, you're reading a book about something you're interested in. It's a cool quality. So I like and respect your self-awareness because here's what you know, Stephen. You need some downtime in the middle of the day because school is stressful. And being around all those other kids wears you down. And so in the middle of the day, when you read your book and you retreat into yourself a little bit and it calms you down and centers you and you're just quiet, you process everything. You know how emotionally intelligent that is? Most adults don't even know how to do it, but here you figured it out already and you're doing it and I'm proud of you. So forgive me.

Forgive me for trying to change you and who you are. Truth is, I wish I was proud of you. So forgive me. Forgive me for trying to change you and who you are. Truth is, I wish I was more like you. I wish I was more independent. I wish I was more content just reading a book. Wish I was curious like you. I wish I was self-aware. I wish I took more time and space to myself. I need that because if I did more of that, I wouldn't be micromanaging you and lecturing you all the time. See, those are great qualities I'm learning from you, Stephen. You know what? I admire you. So don't ever be ashamed that you're different because that takes courage and it makes you a leader. I'm proud of you, son. It's awesome. So why don't we do that? Why don't we ever do that? Please stop trying to change your kids or think there's something wrong with them all the time. And instead, look, this was the

last podcast. It's probably every podcast. Learn about your kids. Study them. Learn how their brains work. They're not these awful kids that we think they're, oh, he's just so strong-willed. Good. I want a strong-willed child. I like kids who have a strong will, who know what they like and know what they don't like. Are they more difficult to teach and raise? Absolutely. But here's a question I'll give you.

I was going to save this for another time. Why did you have kids? Think about this. This is not meant to sound accusational. It just going to save this for another time. Why did you have kids? Think about this. It's not meant to sound accusational. It just did. So forgive me for that. But some of you need to hear it like that. Why did you have kids? What was the reason you had kids, right? We're not living in the 1800s where you had to have kids in order for them to work out on a farm so you guys didn't die. It's not for labor. Why did you have kids? Did you think that was just going to be like, well, we're going to have kids. We're going to have a couple of kids and a white picket fence.

We're going to have this awesome marriage and we're going to do things together. It's going to be fun. And they're going to excel at sports and do really well in school. They're going to make me look really good and go off to college. I'm going to be really proud of them. Yeah, sorry. It's not how it works, especially if you were lucky enough to get a strong-willed child that makes things difficult. Because guess what you get that the other parents don't get? You get the ability to grow up. You get the challenge to grow up and deal with all your issues because you're so effed up. And you know who else is? I am. Do you know this whole thing that we do celebrate calm? You know why we're doing it? Because I was and am an effed up parent who didn't have any clue about how relationships work

and almost ruined the relationship with my son Casey. That's why I'm here doing this. There's no accusation in this. I was an immature 45-year-old man, 40-year-old guy actually at the time, who was successful in business but didn't have a clue how to have relationships in life. So there's no accusation. I don't do any blame or guilt. I do ask for complete honesty. I ask for humility. And I ask you to work on this stuff and realize if you would spend, if you would spend

the next 30 days working on your own issues, right? Spend December. You want to give your kids a gift for Christmas? It's this. Guys, I resign. I'm resigning from micromanaging and controlling your life for the next 30 days until Christmas. I'm going to learn how to control myself, my own anxiety, my own control issues, my mouth. I'm going to stop lecturing you because I believe you're capable of being successful, right? Does that make sense? Start doing that. I'll close up with this. One of my favorite kids of all time was back when we lived in Ashburn, Virginia. His parents were awesome. And their son, I won't say his name, but every day at lunch, he would go in and he'd read his book alone. So I went in to visit him. You know what I did?

I took a book in. And I sat next to this kid, and we sat at the lunch table right next to each other, both reading our books, didn't say a word, happily oblivious to everyone else, happily content. You know what that kid's doing today? He's wildly successful. He's fine with social skills. He's got a lot of friends that he wants to have. He does. You know what? I'm 52.

When I'm on the road and we're speaking, sometimes you know what I do? I go and sit at the bar at a restaurant. You know what I do? I take a book in there. Sometimes we're on the road on like Friday night. So here's dorky me going over to the restaurant, sit up at the bar. Everybody's bantering, bantering. You know, sometimes I join in if people are interesting.

But most of the time they're not. So you know what I do? I read my book and I'm perfectly content as a dork. And you know what? I don't care. I'm happy. So enter in. Learn about your kids. Why do they think the way they do? Go deeper. Look, you don't have to get our stuff, but you should. You know why? Because there's insight in our CDs about why your kids do this stuff. I can explain exactly why they're doing it. So instead of going and demoralizing your child and dragging down their confidence because something's wrong, we can have these affirming conversations with them and make them feel like a million bucks, like, there's nothing wrong with me. In fact,

maybe I'm going to start a movement where a few of us have like a little book club during lunch and we start discussing a book and we've got our own little group and now I'm a leader. Does that make sense? Just cool. If you need help with this stuff, email us, call us. You're going to talk to my son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebrateateCalm.com. We've got a Facebook page, Celebrate Calm. We've got a free newsletter. You can call us at 888-506-1871 if you want us to come to your town. If you need help financially with any of our resources, because we do require an investment. Why? Because it's important that you make this a priority and it's more effective than almost all the therapy you've ever done. And you've wasted a lot of money on stuff that didn't help. And I have something that will actually help you.

And I want you to invest in it because I want you to take it seriously and put the time for the next 30 days into controlling yourself. Then you will see things change. Anyway, thank you for being a parent. Thanks for working so hard at this stuff. Hope you found this helpful. Hopefully we'll see you on the road after New Year. But let me know if we can help you. Again, you can email us, Casey, at CelebrateCalm.com. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.