Calm Parenting Podcast - Confronting Your Parents & In-Laws
Episode Date: February 13, 2024Confronting Your Parents & In-Laws Do you have parents who criticize how you raise your own kids? Even correct you in front of your kids? Does this create division between you and your spouse? This is... really hard. Kirk gives you scripts and ideas to use with reluctant, overbearing grandparents. Learn more at CelebrateCalm.com. Our Winter Sale Continues This Week: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF Workbooks. Make 2024 different. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our Winter Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Visit https://wholelifepet.com/ and use promo code CALM to get 25% off your first order with free shipping over $50. Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/calmfree and use code calmfree for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. Get your kids something they will actually LOVE, use, and look forward to getting all throughout the coming year. Build your child’s confidence NOW! Visit https://crunchlabs.com/CALM and get your kids CrunchLabs today! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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who criticize how you raise your own kids? Maybe they even
correct you in front of your kids. Does this create division between you and your spouse?
It probably does. And this is really hard. So on this bonus episode of the Calm Parenting
Podcast, I'm going to try to give you some scripts and ideas to use with reluctant, possibly
overbearing grandparents.
So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm.
You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com.
If you need help, reach out to our son Casey. C-A-S-E-Y. CelebrateCalm.com.
Tell us about your family, ages of the kids. What are they struggling with?
We will get back to you, usually very quickly and personally,
because we want to help your family. That's our mission.
So here's kind
of our experience. My dad would visit us and wreak all kinds of havoc in our home. He'd directly
discipline or yell at Casey and tell us what we were doing wrong. Worse, when I was at work and
he was at home with my wife, he would give her a really hard time and it created an inordinate
amount of stress and then ultimately resentment.
So I finally got up the courage to talk to my dad. Because if you're a guy and you're afraid
to speak up to your mom or dad, then you're basically sacrificing your spouse and child
out of fear. And it's a very real fear. I'm not downplaying it. It was the hardest discussion I have ever had in my life
because my dad was career military. He was intimidating. He was the colonel. And I was
taught to honor your father and mother, even though my father was abusive. And sometimes
I use this joke. I hope it doesn't offend you to kind of soften the tension of these situations.
The joke I tell is kind of encourage
wives to tell your husband, look, you've got a choice. You can choose to please your mommy
or please me, but I have things you want that your mommy doesn't have. Again, take that as you will.
So many years before, because look, I tell that story because in many cases what I was dealing with is a husband whose
mom was kind of overbearing and he didn't want to displease his mom because that created all kinds
of other issues or didn't want to speak up to his dad because it's really hard. But the point of that kind of little joke is for a wife to say that of like,
hey, you're married to me, right? You chose me. You left your mom and dad to be with me. I have
primacy here. I come first. So I was just doing kind of in a fun way the guy would get, which is
pay attention, right? Who do you really want
to please here? And the obvious answer is your wife. She comes first. So many years before I
started Celebrate Calm, I went with my dad one day to Kerr Drugstore. It's off Highway 68 in
Greensboro, North Carolina, where we were living at the time. I can remember where and when because
it is seared into my memory.
So my dad runs into the store to pick up a prescription. And when it came out,
I finally summoned the courage to say this, dad, I want you to visit us. I want Casey to have
a papa that he enjoys being with. So he always has good memories of his grandfather. But when you visit, you may not discipline or yell at him anymore.
If you have a problem, you come to me and talk to me because I'm his father and I will handle it.
Now, I'd like to say that my dad handled this really well, respected my wishes, and everything was great.
But the truth is, he didn't visit us
for two years after that. Now, guess who was really happy and relieved? My wife. Smart choice by me.
So look, I'm older now. I've got some different ways of handling these situations with grandparents.
So I hope your talk goes better than mine. But you're going to have to do this. So here are a
few ideas. You don't have to do any
or all of these. I'm just throwing these out. Look, speak up for your spouse. This is an odd
Valentine's Day gift to give to yourself actually or your spouse, but it's one that your spouse will
appreciate more than you know because meddling parents can cause a huge rift between spouses
and huge anxiety in a single mom doing her best to raise a strong-willed child.
So I want you to speak up for yourself in a firm, confident, constructive way.
Each situation is different, but here are some specific scripts and action steps you may find helpful.
You can say all these things. You can say a couple of them. You can change these.
But I put this under the heading of have the talk with your grandparents.
Hey, mom, dad, or mom and dad, thank you for loving us.
Thank you for wanting the best for us and for your grandkids.
We know that's what motivates you, even if it is a little judgment.
Acknowledge that. Assume the best about their intentions.
I know you love your
grandchildren and you want them to turn out well. And I know you want to help me. Thank you for
doing a good job raising me. You did such a good job that I am now confident to raise my own child.
It's okay that we differ on how to discipline. And I know you think I'm being too lenient with my strong-willed child especially
I'm asking you to respect how I am doing this
And even come alongside to help me
But that does not include criticizing me
Criticizing me in front of the kids or judging me
We did not tell you how to parent your kids. You should not
tell us how to parent our kids. Respect us enough to do that. Mom and dad, you are older now. You
did your job raising your kids. You did some things well and you made some mistakes. Well, give us the same opportunity to figure this out.
We're going to make some mistakes also.
Respect us enough to give us space to do that.
You also raised us to be the people we are.
You had your time. You raised us.
You don't get to keep parenting us like this anymore. Either you
did a good job and we will do a good job or not. Now some perspective. You're getting older every
day. You get one shot to be grandparents. If you continue to disrespect us, especially in front of the kids, and in general, if you continue to treat us like children,
you just won't get to be around your grandkids much.
If you treat your grandkids like this,
if you're constantly yelling, doing the things that my dad did,
they simply won't like you.
And that's a shame for them,
because every kid deserves to have a special Grammy or
Pop-Pop or Opa or Oma or Grandma or Grandpa. You get to have the easy part now. You did the hard
part of raising your kids. Let us do the hard work with this. You get to spoil the grandkids and buy them fun things and do special projects with them.
Spend your last years laughing and creating sweet, meaningful memories with your grandkids.
This is how they will remember you.
Don't rob your grandkids of these memories.
Otherwise, when you die, you're going to die bitter and angry and alone,
and I don't want that. So take your grandkids places, laugh with them, buy them some things
that we won't as a surprise, but you may never ever yell at them, correct them, or disagree with
us as parents in front of the kids. Come tell us and we'll handle
it. You won't always agree how we handle it and that's okay. If you can't abide by these rules,
then you forfeit being with your grandkids. Now, here are ways you can help me or help us because
one of the things I want to do with grandparents is you
can't just say like, hey, you can't do that, can't do that. Here's what you can do. We want your help.
Listen, your grandson, and it could be granddaughter, but I'm just going to keep this simple.
Your grandchild is really good at doing X and Y. He responds better to grown-up adult-type missions. He's curious about these different things.
So ask your grandchild to help you with a specific project or mission,
doing something he or she is good at doing.
You'll enjoy it. They'll enjoy it.
You'll get to see your grandchild at his or her best.
Instead of coming along and criticizing and complaining
and correcting, create successes for your grandkids, right? Talk to this strong-willed
child like an adult about your experiences in life. Be curious about what they're interested in,
right? Bond with your grandkids over these things. Take them to see an exhibition, to a ball game,
to a museum, right? Send your grandkids videos or books about topics they're interested in.
Go to a coffee shop and read. Do work. Do homework with them. Be patient with your grandkids. Affirm
all the good qualities you see. Look, your grandson already knows all the bad stuff because
he hears that from teachers and us enough. He could really use a positive voice in his life,
someone who can see the good things and give him perspective. Look, tell him he reminds you of a guy
you know who ended up doing some amazing, interesting things in life. Ask questions about technology. Let your grandkids teach you something. Enjoy them.
Look, let the other stuff go. So your grandchild's particular about what he eats or wears.
Who cares? You're particular and OCD yourself. So just chill, right? I had this written down to say
you're annoying as you know what?
Where do you think your grandkids got it from?
Okay, kidding.
You may not say that, but some of them, maybe you do.
Look, the bottom line is for the grandparents is, mom and dad, you're not going to change
how we parent our kids.
You're not.
So either you can live frustrated, try to meddle in our marriage and family life, and
ultimately none of us will want to spend time with you, or you can relax, trust us, come alongside us,
enjoy your grandkids. This is what you've waited for for so long, so enjoy them. Or you'll just sit
at home grumbling each other and miss out on this great experience.
And I'd also look, help your kids, help your parents understand the strong-willed child. This
is what we all are trying to do as parents, teachers, caregivers, grandparents. Look, remind
them of the Impressionists and other really creative people throughout history, including Einstein and other inventors, who were different and sometimes odd.
And they were actually rejected by their own fathers.
Remind them of that Uncle Frank, right?
That brother or sister or aunt they had, who was always kind of independent
and marched to the beat of their own drum, right?
But they ended up accomplishing really great things in life.
Did their parents cracking down on them ever work
or did it just create more defiance?
I'd encourage them.
Send them a couple episodes of the Calm Parenting podcast
that explains your child to them.
Look, we just did one a little while ago
on transitioning from authoritarian
to being the calm, authoritative leader, because your parents may be like the old school
authoritarian. They're like, oh, you're letting them get away with everything. Well, I think that
episode does a really good job of saying, hey, here's some good things we can take from the
parents' generation of what you did well, but there were also some things that you didn't do so well.
And so we're not trying to go to the other extreme of being too sweet with our kids. We're
trying to be authoritative leaders. That's a really good podcast to share. So let them listen
and ask them for their thoughts and perspective. Look, you're all adults. Have a grown-up conversation.
Look, if they dig in and refuse, then you just
have to draw those tough boundaries. And it's going to be really hard to do. But hopefully,
your parents, after listening to someone else and getting some perspective, are like,
okay, we can help you out with that. But do not give in to their manipulation. Your parents may
grumble and withdraw, make passive-aggressive comments. Do not let that go.
Mom and Dad, I expect you to grow up.
You're 65. You're 70 years old now.
You're not going to get away with your passive-aggressive BS like you did when we were kids.
Talk to us like we're adults.
Those are important conversations to have. If you have our programs, like the Calm Parenting Program, you can share that with your grandparents.
All you have to do is just email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com,
and say, hey, I've got the Calm Parenting Package or whatever programs,
and give us your parents' email address.
We will send that directly to them.
They can listen on their phone, more likely on their iPad.
That's what a lot of older people do.
It's what my mom always did, right?
But it doesn't matter where they listen.
But they can listen anywhere.
And so that way, they can begin.
And what I would start with is the program Stop the Power Struggles with a strong-willed child.
It will give them insight into their strong-willed grandchild that they may have never understood or considered before.
The ADHD University program, awesome, because it's a lot of science-based stuff about how their brains work.
And if any of the grandparents do homework time with their grandkids, it'll be awesome because
it gives them a lot of souls. Anyway, if you need help with this, let us know. I know this is hard
stuff, but it's really important to do, and I want you to be firm. I want you to be confident
in all of this, and you give the grandparents something they can do to help them be successful
with their grandkids. Anyway, you get the point. If we can
help you in any way, hey, just let us know. Love you all. Hope you all keep sharing the podcast.
Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.