Calm Parenting Podcast - Consequences Don't Work! Why Good Behavior Doesn't Matter

Episode Date: July 29, 2018

Consequences Don't Work! Why Good Behavior Doesn't Matter Tired of the endless loop of consequences that don't ever work anyway? Want to know why your kids shut down and don't feel good about themselves? This is a very emotional podcast that will change the way you view your child. Most parents want a child with good grades and good behavior. I don’t. So what should you focus on? How can you raise a responsible child? Beware this one trap that will destroy your child's confidence and your relationship. So listen and learn how to foster trust and purpose instead of fear and anxiety. Want to learn how to radically change your relationship with your strong-willed child? Get all our CDs FREE when you attend our Camps: http://www.celebratecalm.com/camps/ Need help? Email [e-mail] with the word TRUST in the subject line or call 888-506-1871 to learn more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and I just wanted to address one overall theme in this podcast, and it's really about behavior, because I get emails every single

day about, well, my child doesn't care about consequences. That's normal. None of our kids do, and how do I have a well-behaved child, and I just want to reorient your mindset in a few different ways on this. Because I'll just tell you, my goal is not to have a well-behaved child. I think that's horrible, right? I don't wake up in the morning as a 52-year-old guy and say, you know, my goal for today is to be well-behaved. Not at all. My goal for every day is to use my gifts, talents, and passions to help other people. I want to be kind and patient, merciful and compassionate. I want to be purposeful. I want to have a mission for the day. I want to be even more than productive. I like to be effective

because I like to do the right things well, right? But that doesn't have anything really to do with behavior, right? Because some of you, I think, because you're naturally good people in a sense, and for some of you who have been raised in kind of a religious environment in which everything was about just behaving well to curry God's favor, or in your home it was always just about having good behavior, you kind of get obsessed about behavior. And in some ways, you'd live a very defensive life, right? It's kind of a cautious life. I'm going to be a rule follower. I'm going to make sure that I don't mess up. And that's not the way your kids are made. And I don't think they should be made that way, right? These are kids with initiative who have ideas, right?

And they're going to make mistakes. And they're going to mess up, and they're going to fail. And some of that is just going to happen because they have energy, and they're bright, and they've got ideas of the way they want to do things. And if you listen to any of the CDs especially, I really, really encourage you, if you don't have this one, listen to the CD on enjoying your strong-willed child because you have to understand how these kids are made, right, because they are different. And I will guarantee you, they will never, ever, ever live up to your expectations. And if you're honest in life, nobody else will either, right? And that's your issue. They will never do things the way

you want them done. They're just not, they're not, they're not. And I don't care how much you want them to. And look, you're right. The way you want things done is good, right? It would be easier. It'd be great for the child, but they're not made that way. And you're going to have to let that go. So I want to give you some perspective on a different way to look at your kids. So a lot of parents write about consequences, about obedience. And I just couch it this way. Is it really about being obedient or is it about trusting your parents and doing what they want, doing the right thing, right? Is the way that you approach parenting, and I'll throw this in, the way you approach your relationship with God,

is that about fear or is that about love, right? Do you do things because you fear a consequence, right? Or do you do things because it's just the right thing to do for someone you love, right? Do you do the right thing for your spouse out of fear that if you don't do the right thing, they're going to be upset at you? Or is it because there's an expectation of their pleasure, right? Does that make sense, right? What is your mindset and why you do things, right? Does that make sense, right? What is your mindset and why you do things, right? Because I don't want to go through my life doing things for other people, including God,

if this is important to you, because I'm just afraid of the fear of the consequences, and because I think, well, if I don't live up and I don't do the right thing, then God won't do good things for me, right? Or my spouse is going to be upset at me, right? That's actually, that will bring death in your life, right? And that's where those endless consequences that we give with our kids, well, if you don't do this, X will happen. Look, there's nothing wrong with giving consequences. We're big into consequences. When I do consequences, my consequences are harsh, but that's for another time. Because I'd rather give kids tools to succeed than just give them consequences and this endless loop of, you messed up, you did that wrong, so I'm going to take this away. It just leads to

death in your relationships. That word is important, relationship, right? Is it about, look, these emails sometimes, there's just so much about the behavior, the outward behavior, and what I'm after is the heart inside your child, their heart, and not in a soft way of like, oh, get away. You can do whatever you want, and I don't care because we just love everyone, no matter what they do. Not at all. I'm really tough. I'm really tough on kids, but I'm getting inside their heart instead of just responding and reacting all the time to outward behavior that irritates me. So it makes sense, and I encourage you, beware of this. Beware of judging your child's intentions in their heart. Because sometimes their behavior is wrong and bad.

No doubt about it. But sometimes we attach motives to that. You're lazy and unmotivated. You don't care. You're selfish. And your kids will appear selfish because they appear very self-centered. Sometimes, by the way, that's because they have an extraordinary amount of anxiety. They don't always have a lot of confidence.

So inside, they're spending all of this time inside trying to hold their little worlds together. And so it makes them appear that they're very self-centered. And if you really see it in the right way, you'll see that you have an anxious, frustrated child. Most of your kids who are really defiant. I'm not excusing the defiance, but the truth is I wouldn't describe most of your kids as defiant. I would describe them as very frustrated kids. And if I can get inside the heart and figure out the source of that frustration, then I can change the heart, right? When I get inside of a child and I reach inside and say, you know what? That anxiety that's in there, when we go to a new place, it causes you to react and

fight me. And whether it's with homework, new experiences, anything else, that anxiety, that feeling of being overwhelmed. Watch, I go one of two ways. You're the faint little snot that makes my life difficult. I don't know why you have to make everything so challenging. You know, you rule the home. You know, we can't do anything because you're always unhappy. I mean, that's one way you can go, and it's all kind of true, right, based on their outward behavior. And I always like to say this, you're justified in thinking these things. You're justified completely in yelling at your kids if you want to. You're justified. It's just that it doesn't work and it destroys the relationship. And it doesn't work because you're only reacting to the outward behavior and not getting to the root and solving that.

Because I guarantee you as a grown adult, you don't like it. You don't like it when people judge your outward behavior. When you're having a bad day as a mother, you don't want people coming along and saying, you know, you just need to be more patient with your child. You want someone to come along and say, I imagine that you're really frustrated. And then you would say, yeah, because I love this kid. And I have no idea what to do with him because consequences don't work. And so then I get upset and I get frustrated and I say negative things and I yell at my, and I scream. See, when you yell and you scream at your kids and when you lecture

all the time and micromanage them, that's your outward behavior. And you don't want me coming around or someone else saying, you know, you're a horrible parent because you yell at your kids. That's not the issue. The issue is you love your kids, but you have a lot of anxiety because they're not living up to their potential and they're different than you. You yell and you scream and you lecture and micromanage because you have control issues, right? And that's your issue, right? But that's getting to the root of the issue. And that's what you want. And that's what our kids want too, is for us to come along and say, it's not about the behavior. I don't care about your outward behavior. I want a relationship that's based on trust, not trying to please me and go

through your day without losing all of your stuff. Can you imagine how awful it is to be some of your kids? I'm not making excuses for them, but just think about it. From the time they get up in the morning, they're in trouble because they don't live up to anyone's expectations because they dawdle in the morning. They didn't sleep well because many of your kids don't sleep well because they have a lot of anxiety or maybe it's a medication issue. Whatever it is, they've got busy brains and so they're tired when they wake up and they don't want to eat for many reasons, whether it's sensory issues, whether it's medication, whatever it is, and so they're tired when they wake up, and they don't want to eat for many reasons, whether it's sensory issues, whether it's medication, whatever it is, and they don't want to eat, and they're picky, and so breakfast is annoying, and they don't want to go to school

because they have social anxiety, because they get along great with older kids and adults and little kids and animals, but they don't get along that well with kids their own age, which is who they have to spend the whole day with, right, and school's noisy and it's boring. And to be honest, a lot of school is stupid. The stuff that they're doing, they know is a waste of time and they're really bright kids. And so they have trouble and they're leaders. So they take initiative and they get in trouble for that in school because they're not good followers and they're not always good at listening to directions and their whole day comes down to, sorry for this, but I'm getting upset, a stupid freaking behavior chart where their whole day is measured by are you on red or yellow or green? How would you like to go through every single day at your office? At the end of the day,

you have to stop by your boss's office and he either says, you know, today was a red day. You know, you started on green in the meeting this morning, but this afternoon your performance really fell apart. So I want you to take home and show your spouse this little red card because you were on red again today and nobody's happy with you. You would hate your life. And so sometimes that's what we do to our kids. Everything's just about being a well-behaved child. And I want you to know the strong-willed child is not going to be a well-behaved child. That's not who they are. And that's not what I want. I want a curious kid who loves to learn. I want a kid who sometimes breaks the rules. You know why? Because some rules are arbitrary

and stupid and they deserve to be broken. And I used to tell my son, sometimes, son, there are rules that are meant to be broken. But your guidepost is, I always want you to do the right thing. Some schools had a policy, if you were physical in any way with another child, you were automatically suspended for a week. And I told my son, if you ever see another child

being bullied, you better step in and defend that kid because that's the right thing to do. And if you get suspended for a week, good. I'll throw a party and I'll take off of work and we'll go to amusement parks and do fun things all week because you did the right thing, right? And that's hard for some of you because you're such rule followers and there's nothing wrong with that because we need people who follow the rules and who listen to other people because you got a lot of mundane things done that the rest of us won't because we're not good at that stuff. But you've really got to come to terms with the fact that you may have a child that's really different from you. And you're going to think that this child's going to end up in hell.

I don't usually say that, but it came out and I'm going to roll with it. And you think this child's going to end up in jail. You've said it, if we can just get him to adulthood. And so I want you to reorient your mindset and say, what do I want from this child? I want you to reorient your mindset and say, what do I want from this child? I want the curiosity. I want him sometimes to push the limits. I want that big heart of his to come out because these kids have really big hearts. Just never towards you, right?

But they have big hearts. But we're so busy trying to confine them, right, that we never let that big heart come out. Because the other thing is, we're so concerned about their academic performance. And that's a whole other podcast they'll do. But we're so consumed with behavior and grades. Good grades, good behavior equals a good child. And guess what? If you go with that, you're going to raise a child who is angry and doesn't like himself. You know why? Because he's just not a kid with good behavior, although he's got a big heart and all these great traits, and he may not always have great academic performance. Does that make sense? We're so obsessed with it and it will stifle your child

and they'll end up just resisting you. Why? Because they know I can never please anyone in my life. And I want you to reorient things and say, I want a curious kid who loves to learn, even though he doesn't want to learn what I want him to learn or what a teacher wants him to learn. But you're going to have to be flexible and you're going to have to be flexible. And you're going to have to run with that a little bit and let him pursue his passions and his interests, even if he doesn't get a good grade for that. These kids, do you realize what a gift they are to you and to me? My son was this kid.

He is this kid. And he altered the course of my life forever because he challenged everything that I believed as a parent, as a human being. And he pushed the limits and pushed the boundaries. And after I finally got tired of trying to change him, I realized that I was the issue and I needed to change myself. And when I changed myself and controlled my own anxiety, I could look at him in a fresh way and say, this is the kid that I want. I want a kid who pushes the limits,

and I want a kid who has a big and giving heart, even though his behavior is sometimes pretty bad. He doesn't follow the rules, but he does the right, when it comes down to it, my son does the right thing. My son to this day has a mouth on him. He is sarcastic and he's smart and he's quick and he's cutting and it is funny. It is really funny, but sometimes it's really inappropriate. And he clearly got that from his mother.

No, he got that from me. But you know what I know about my son? No matter what he says sometimes in his sarcasm, when it comes down to it with people, he does the right thing. And when he was a kid, little kid, younger kid, even a teenager, he wasn't all that motivated and disciplined. And he didn't clean his bedroom well, but today he is a beast of a young man. He is a man. I'll call him a man. He is a man. He is highly disciplined. He does the right thing. He works really hard. All those qualities that I wanted in him, they're there, but I want you to look at your kids in a different way.

If that sounded too harsh, I do apologize. I'm just passionate about this, and I didn't really have, when I made a few notes for this, I knew it was going to be all over the place, but I kind of wanted to roll with it because I want you to hear that, and I wanted to provoke you a little bit to say, we don't have to raise this kid the way everybody else is raising their kids. Or watch this, or the way you're raising your more compliant child. You're going to raise them in two different ways and it's going to be uncomfortable for you. And you're not always going to know the right thing to do. But I want you to come back to those principles.

It is why I want you to listen to the CDs again and again and again and again. Because it gets it inside of you. And you need constant reminding. You need different strategies for these kids. I want your kids to listen to our CDs so they can look at you and say, Mom, Dad, that guy and his son, they get me. That's the way it feels inside. I don't wake up every morning just trying to be a bad kid. Will you please see me in a

different way? I want them to be able to feel understood, right? And if you struggle with this, I encourage you, and I'm going to say this in kind of a brutally honest way. We are doing these parent boot camps, and I only have two of them that I can do. One outside of DC, one in Dallas. And I will just tell you, if you keep emailing me, I will be kind and compassionate. I'll answer your emails, and I'll be nice to you. But if you keep doing that, and you don't change your perspective, and if you don't find a way to get to these parent boot camps, because I'm going to go, I have a whole day where we can go into depth on very complex issues and give you very, very specific answers to your situations. If you don't make yourself available to that and

get to those things, look, I don't know what else to tell. I want you to be at those things because I believe it's going to be very life-changing, this perspective. I've gone about 18 minutes right now. I'm going to have hour after hour to hammer on and really get into some deep things about your kids and even about yourself to change you. So I encourage you, look it up on CelebrateCalm.com. Email if you need help. Email or call my son Casey because he is your child. Look, I am you. I am your husband. You know, before I changed, I was that guy.

And my son is your strong-willed child, so he gets you. So his email address is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Our phone number is 888-506-1871. You will almost always receive a call back very, very quickly because we are very, very on top of things because we're not always the most well-behaved people, but we work our butts off, and we are very good at this, and we have all those qualities that you want. So just do think about that as I close this up of what do you really want for your child this coming school year? To be a well-behaved child who just gets good grades, or do you want something else?

How do you want to define that? Because that will shape your school year. Anyway, thank you for listening. Check us out at CelebrateCalm.com. We've got a Facebook page, Celebrate Calm, and check out our other podcasts. But if we can help you in any way, we're very passionate about this and we want to see you change. My goal is, I've got 22 seconds left. I'm keeping this under 20 minutes. My goal is generational change. I don't just want to change your child's behavior. I'm keeping this under 20 minutes. My goal is generational change. I don't just want to change your child's behavior. I want to change your family tree so you're different for generations from now on. So thank you for investing in that and doing that.