Calm Parenting Podcast - Consequences That Work & Build Trust, Not Shame

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

Our Valentine's Day Sale Begins Now! You get the Calm Couples Marriage Program FREE with the Calm Parenting Package. We deliver it directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our Valentine's Day Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/valentines-day/ Want to customize a smaller bundle? Email [e-mail] or check out our most popular four programs: https://celebratecalm.com/get-the-bag/ Want to talk with Kirk directly and come up with a game plan for your family? Kirk will work with you individually, or together with your spouse, to get you on the same page and help with the toughest parenting situations you haven’t been able to solve. These calls are a game-changer. Plus you get the No B.S. Program FREE. Click here to learn about mentoring packages. Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So a kid sneaks his computer into his bed after he's supposed to be going to sleep and the next morning you walk in to wake him up and the videos are still playing. So your child is

busted. How are you going to respond to that? Now look, it would be perfectly fine to simply, firmly, and quietly just take away screen privileges. Nothing wrong with that at all. And we go through 15 other ways to discipline kids in the discipline program, to get kids off screens in the stop screen fights programs. That's on the Calm Parenting Package. By the way, that would be a fantastic Valentine's gift to give to each other as a couple, to finally get on the same page so one parent isn't accused of coddling the child, being too soft, and the other one's not being too mean accused of coddling the child being too

soft and the other ones not being too mean you actually do the grown-up thing you get on the same page and you eliminate a lot of stress in your home and your kids know exactly what to expect and stop playing you off against each other so if you're interested in that go to our website celebrate calm calm look up the little Valentine's Day sale. If you need help with anything, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com, because that's our son who did all these things that your kids did, and worse. Tell us about your family. We're here to help you. So let's look at one specific way I'd really like to handle this, and I like breaking these things down and doing

maybe a new strategy every time, right? I could come up with 10 different ways to handle this. But here's some perspective. Number one, this is absolutely normal behavior for a child. Let's start being realistic and grown up about this, right, and about our expectations. I expect kids to do stuff like this. Seriously, it would be weird if your kids never pushed the limits or never tried to get away with things. So don't take it as some personal offense and they're being defiant. Yes, it's wrong. Nothing wrong with calling it that.

But don't get outraged and so upset about this. He's just doing what a kid does, right? Remember, many of you grew up like I did watching Leave it to Beaver. It was a show about a kid who did dumb stuff every single episode and got in trouble for it. And you know why that show was popular? Because it reflected reality of what we did as kids. So yes, you can be frustrated by it, but you can also smile a little bit inside knowing, good try, son, but next time, turn the movie off and hide the computer. Look, I want you to know, I'm on the back end of this, right? Casey's 28. We've worked with 1,500 kids. I'm now 55 years old. I've worked with a million families. So I've got a lot of perspective. Every episode of discipline

is not some life or death struggle for your child's soul, right? When they're little, you're like, oh, we better do this right or else he's going to grow up and be a sociopath. No, he's not, unless you're a sociopath, right? So the more drama you create, the more defensive your child will get, and the more they will begin to lie and sneak around to avoid you overreacting and making everything so heavy. Number two, always look for clues beneath the surface. Now, in this case, it's a bit of a reach, but this could be a clue that something else is going on. So maybe your son, your daughter has trouble falling asleep because, you know, their minds run a lot. Or maybe your child's anxious. So he uses the movies, the videos as a distraction to fall asleep. And apparently it worked really well because he fell asleep without turning off the video. It doesn't excuse what he did,

but if you react, you may miss something instructive, right? We've worked with families where the kids wake up in the middle of night and they steal stuff, food, take it to their rooms, right? And some of it is, it's stimulation. They love the strategy. They're bored. They love the strategy of thinking, how can I get away with this? How can I get down there in the middle of the night without waking my parents up? And then there's a certain amount of stimulation fun from getting something you're not supposed to have and eating it in the middle of the night. So again, you discipline a number of different ways. But if we we in that case, if I find a way to stimulate that child's brain and challenge them in other ways, like having them start their own little business and they earn, give them a goal of like if you reach X number of dollars, I will match the amount that you give to charity and I'll match a percentage that you want to use to save or invest. See, it's all about not just reacting to outward behavior. It's about meeting internal needs. That's a very different approach

and that's what we teach you. So number three, when you react in the moment, you miss opportunities. See, we as parents, we get so hell bent on disciplining and making sure he knows what he did was wrong that we miss on opportunities, right? Because we want him to know he did something wrong, want him to own up to it. We want him to admit that he won't do it again and we want him to apologize. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But confronting your child in the moment usually leads to a defensive posture and more lies. And usually it leads to shame. And that's why learning to control yourself and stop talking so much is so important. Didn't mean to shame you there, but I need you to stop talking so much. So number four, we do not want to give in to kids or let them get away with things. Absolutely not. We want to address issues in a way that leads to contrition, problem solving, and giving them tools to make better choices that actually benefit themselves. I'll do that in a separate podcast, but we have this us against them kind of mentality

during discipline. And really it's, no, I'm on your side. This is a gift I am giving you so that you don't keep making choices that bring harsh consequences on yourself. Right? And so for most of us, number five, let's think, what is our usual reaction? I was talking to a dad and he was like, my old reaction would have been anger at his disobedience. And what, think about this, that kid when he wakes up knows he gets busted. Guess what he's expecting? Anger, disappointment, a lecture, confrontation. But instead, the dad who I was talking to said this, I made a tough choice. He ignored the computer and he just went about doing the morning

routine with his son. And here's what happened next. Number six, on the ride to school his son actually confessed. He told his mom and dad what he did. Bingo! That's what we're looking for. See, you gave him space that led to contrition rather than a confrontation. When you give a child space to wrestle with these things themselves, they will often come back to you and own it. But when you hover over them, just demanding an apology, it usually backfires, right? So this dad, in this specific situation, gave his son some time instead of jumping on him, instead of disciplining right away. Because we have this thing of like, we have to discipline right away. Well, sure, I want you to discipline promptly, but not right away all the time. Because I want to give our kids time and space to reflect.

And I want the contrition instead of the shame. See, when you create a defensive response, you're not having conversation anymore. You're not going for problem solving. You're not even teaching anymore. You're just having a confrontation and you're shaming your child. So number seven, I kind of mentioned this before. Discipline in many homes feels so heavy, right? Like this me against my child confrontation.

And that's why your child resists, lies, and shuts down. In reality, discipline is something you do for your child. You're not taking it personally. It's not all about you. It's not how their behavior affects you. You're helping your child. You're not taking it personally. It's not all about you. It's not how their behavior affects you. You're helping your child. You're coming alongside saying, you keep making this choice that actually hurts you. And I know you don't want to do it because you know it's wrong. So I'm going to give you some tools so you don't have to do that next time. See, it's a gift that

you give your child. Number eight, and here's what I want you to try this week. See, after everybody was all settled down, after the son had confessed, now the dad, the mom, they're able to say this. Look, I'm not mad at you, but you know you broke the rules. So I'm curious, what do you think an appropriate consequence should be for that? See, you're teaching, you're showing, you're having a dialogue, right?

What do you think your consequence should be, right? It's giving the child some ownership. It's instead of just imposing things, nothing wrong with that, you're the authority figure. You can. But now I'm teaching him and I'm giving him some space here to actually reflect on, hey, how serious was that? What did I do wrong? And how can I do it differently next time?

Now, if your child's like, oh, consequence should be you buy me pizza. Well, then you forge ahead with your own. But in my experience with strong willed kids, when you give them some space to own their choices, when you create an atmosphere of trust instead of an interrogation, they often express contrition, own their mistakes, and sometimes they even give themselves worse or harsher consequences than you would have. See, the consequence isn't the goal. It's a change in heart. It's teaching them how to make better choices, and it's building trust. And that leads to point number nine, the big opportunity. I should have 10 points, shouldn't I? But I'm just going to do nine. So that'll irritate some of you. Why couldn't you just do 10? Right? That gives me order and structure. That's because you have Why couldn't you just do 10? Right? That gives me order and structure.

That's because you have control issues and you need to work on your perfectionism. So I'm sticking to nine. So here's the big opportunity. To turn what is usually a shaming event filled with drama, with two people against each other, into a bonding moment

in which you teach your child, you draw closer, and you show your child that he can trust you no matter what he does wrong, no matter what he faces in childhood, in the teen years, he can trust you because you can handle him at his worst. You can handle conflict in a positive way, right? Let's see if we can do that in our marriage, right? That's partly why we're including, for the Valentine's Day, we're including the marriage program that we did free with the Calm Parenting Package because it is critically important. And if you're already divorced, you're a single parent. Definitely go through that program so you can learn all of the skills that you need so you don't repeat the same issues, the same mistakes the next time you're in a relationship, right? It's not about changing

your spouse. It's about changing yourself and dealing with your own issues and learning how to have hard conversations. Look, it's having hard conversations that lead to something constructive instead of destructive. And that's what we want to do with your kids, with your friends, with your spouse, right? With everyone. See, that's what we want. So let's work on that this week. If we can help you reach out to our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com. Go to celebratecalm.com. You will see that special there.

If you need help financially, reach out to us and ask us for help. That's what we're here for. Love you all, and we'll talk to you soon. Thanks for sharing the podcast as well. Bye-bye.