Calm Parenting Podcast - Dads: 3 Ways to Get Kids to Respect & Listen to You

Episode Date: June 1, 2019

Dads: 3 Ways to Get Kids to Respect & Listen to You We want our kids to respect us so we can pass our wisdom down to them, so they don’t make the same mistakes, so they will be successful. But our kids are frustrating and many of us didn't have a good role model as a father. So how can you change your relationship with a strong-willed child so that they trust and listen to you? Kirk gives you three specific strategies that work. This week, we will give you the Men’s CD Program FREE when you get Kirk’s No B.S. Instruction Manual for Strong-Willed Children at https://www.celebratecalm.com/nobs/. Need help? Contact [e-mail] or call 888-506-1871. Email [e-mail] for help. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine, no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is OneSkin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin.

OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at oneskin.co. That's 15% off at oneskin.co with code KIRK. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them, so please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K to 12.

IXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback, and parents love knowing specific skills that need work. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now.

Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Hey everybody, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Just wanted you to know this is my fifth try at doing a Father's Day message. I've recorded four other ones and I keep sending them to my son, Case. I'm like, I got it this time. And I'll think about it. I'll be like, no, it's not just right because the Father's Day thing is a big deal to me. And by the way, this will apply to moms too, but it really is geared a little bit more toward dads. So moms, if you're listening, send this link to your husband because

I think they'll find it helpful. It's important because we devalue dads in our society. And most of the dads that are on TV are displayed as kind of like idiots, right? And we're irreplaceable. I want you to know this, dads. You are irreplaceable. You can be replaced at your job, but you cannot be replaced in your home. There's something about a dad that is extremely important in the life of a child, whether it's a son or a daughter. So this is important. I wanted to get this right. I wanted my tone to be right. And it's personal to me because I didn't really have a great dad. My dad, I think, did the best that he could, but he just didn't have a lot of tools.

He was career military. He was known in our home as the colonel. So it was a ton of fun growing up, as you can imagine. And he had four sons. But my dad, all he knew was yelling and screaming, kind of like a my way or the highway approach. It was more of a fear and intimidation kind of approach. And, you know, we didn't really respect my dad. We feared my dad. And I don't think that's what we want, right? Because I believe that good discipline, and I love good, firm discipline, good discipline should always lead you to a closer, more trusting relationship

with your child. So guys, if your discipline is not doing that, then something's off, right? It's not supposed to be like, I just walk in, what I tell them to do, that's what they're supposed to do. It's not how relationships work. And so I know that I grew up like that, so guess what happened? My brothers and I, we all grew up, and we replicated the same pattern that my dad gave us. That's all his dad knew. That's what we ended up knowing, so we come home from work, and our wives are like, kids, pick up the Legos, pick up the Legos. Dad's coming home. He can't handle it when there's a mess on the floor. Right now, our wives are having to manage our emotions for us, and everybody's walking on eggshells wondering, when are we going to blow up? And so to their credit, each of my brothers, to a different degree, ended up changing themselves. We changed ourselves, and we broke that

pattern, that generational pattern that we got from our father. And it's a beautiful, beautiful thing because you have the power to literally create a new family tree so that your kids don't grow up doing the same things that you did. Right. And I know a lot of it is I have control issues. I need a lot of order. Some of you, it's that it's perfectionism. You've got a lot of anxiety and you need things to be just so, and your child's not going to do that. And so I didn't, to be honest, I didn't like my son when he was little. Some of you know my son, Casey. If you need anything from us, by the way, that's who you're going to contact. He's 26 now. But contact Casey. It's C-A-S-E-Y at

celebratecalm.com, and he'll help you out with anything that you need. But I didn't like Casey when he was little. You know why? Because he didn't listen to me all the time. He gave up too easily. He didn't push through, right? He was undisciplined. He wasn't living up to his potential because he could have blotted himself a little bit more, could have done more. He was too emotional. He had meltdowns all the time. And to be honest, he was just irritating. And I didn't like him as a little kid. And I spent the first nine and a half years of his life trying to change him and who he was until I finally realized I was the one who needed to change. And when I changed myself, it changed our entire relationship. And I will tell you, it was one of the most satisfying,

gratifying things in my life is my relationship with Casey and I almost ruined it. And guys, I don't want you ruining your relationship with your child because you will regret it. It will be the biggest regret of your entire life if you do that. And I remember telling him all the time, you know what, you're never going to be successful if you can't do this. Why do you have to make everything so difficult? And those things wound kids, right? So I want you to change yourself. I want you to change your perspective. And I will give you a warning here because I've seen this happen. I've just created a new program. It's called the No BS Instruction Manual for Saving Your Relationship with Your Strong-Willed Child. And I created that because I've seen this happen too often, that you have well-meaning good parents.

And look, even when I was in my most my-where-the-highway approach kind of mode, I was a good guy. And I was a good dad. I loved my son, right? But good, well-meaning parents of strong-willed children often destroy their relationship with those kids because you end up being on the all the time. It's never good enough for you. And you misunderstand your child and his motives. And eventually this child is going to shut down on you. And he's going to shut down. He's going to be like, screw you. I don't care what you say. And I don't blame the child

because oftentimes we incite these kids. So I want you to take this seriously. And I want you to, look, I want you to listen. I want you to get the program because I take you through 25 specific action steps that will drastically change your relationship with this child. You can get it either by emailing my son,

Casey, CelebrateCalm.com, or go to our website, CelebrateCalm.com forward slash N-O-B-S, like no BS. And it's a phenomenal program and it will change things. I guarantee you it will. But here's what, and here's what I want you to know and what I know about men. Men want two things. One, from our kids, we want respect. We want our kids to respect us. And I think the deeper part of that is we want to be able to pass along our wisdom because, look, we're guys. We've worked hard in life. We know what it takes to be successful. And we don't want our kids growing up and making the same mistakes. So we want to impart this wisdom as part of our legacy. We want to teach our kids things. And I get that. But what happens is if you're overbearing and nothing's ever good enough for you

and your kids can't trust you, they won't listen to you, right? Does that make sense? They won't listen. So the very thing you want to impart, they will actually reject because they don't really respect you. They fear you. And we don't want that to happen. And I will tell you, if you ask my son, if you want to email him or call him sometime, ask him about me. And he'll say, it's not the fact that my dad was successful in the corporate world, or he started on his business business that he's successful. My son respects me because he saw me change right in front of him. Another thing guys want if you're married, you want your wife to want you. Look, guys, look, we like money and we like sex and we like that. And I'm not going to, I hate in our current way that we are in society, you have to be so careful of what you say.

It's just the truth. We want that. And I guarantee you, man, if you want your wife to be more intimate with you, you've got to change some things, right? If you learn how to de-escalate situations in your home so that your wife doesn't have to walk on eggshells wondering what you're going to be like when you come home from work, right? If you can de-escalate with that upset child instead of escalating with, you know what? How many times do I have to tell you? You know, one more word, man. Keep it up.

Keep it up. You know what? You keep talking. You're going to lose everything you want. Right? That's escalating things with our kids. But if you learn how, when that child is upset to come and say, oh, I can tell you're frustrated right now. Listen, I'm going to go grab a football and go outside. You want to come play catch with me? You want to build with Legos? You want to come help me build

with something in the garage? Listen, I'm going to go walk the dogs. Why don't you come walk with me? I'll help you out with whatever you're struggling with, right? If you can start to lead your kids with calm confidence, they'll follow you. We want to be the leaders in the home. Leaders lead by being cool and calm under pressure. That's why the best platoon captain is the guy who, when the bullets start flying, he's not like, oh my gosh, they're shooting at us. No, you follow the platoon captain because when the bullets start flying, that guy leads by example, not by freaking out. You follow that quarterback. The reason good teams win is because they usually have a quarterback who in the fourth quarter when you're losing leads his team back to victory

because he doesn't freak out at the end. He stays cold and calm under pressure, and that's the kind of guy I want you to be. But when you start de-escalating those situations and your wife can relax knowing that she's safe with you in the home, she will start going to bed earlier with you, right? And I know that's not all you want. You want the connection. You want to have a good relationship. But I want to make this a little bit fun. And it's also true. You know what else works? When you take the pressure off of your wife, and one night a week, you can say, hey, honey, take the night off. Go do whatever you want, right? Go out with the girls. Go sit out in the car. Be by yourself and read a book, whatever you want. I've got the kids tonight. I'll do homework time. I'll do dinner, bath time,

bedtime. I've got it covered. And when your wife knows that she can leave the house and she's not going to come back to World War III, that's when she will want you. And that's when right now. You are justified in feeling frustrated and being disappointed in your kids. They're frustrating and they're disappointing. They're not living up to their potential. You have that choice. You would feel justified in doing the whole, you know what, until the child starts to change, I'm not going to change anything else. But you will take that to your grave and you will regret it. I promise you. Or you can grow up and have a relationship with your child and your kids need you. They need the dad in the home to be this person. And I will tell you, it is not policies that change or rules that change behavior.

Relationships change behavior. You change your relationship with this strong-willed child, he will begin to trust you and respect you. And when he does, he will listen to you and he will come to you for advice. So let me give you a couple examples from on this new No BS program. We have, I did some case studies with families and that's part of it is saying, well, what do you do when this child is shut down, right? And so, by the way, on this program this week for Father's Day, I'm giving away, we have a special program for dads and husbands, a men's CD program that Casey, my son, and I did where it's great. It's short and sweet bullet points tell you exactly what to do with your kids in dozens of situations every day. That will come free when you order this week.

No excuses, by the way. Oh, it's expensive. You guys spend money on stuff that's important to you. Your kids and your spouse and your family is important. Invest in it, work in it. I guarantee you it's a lot cheaper than divorce and therapy. So, and you know what else it'll save? It'll save literally thousands of nights throughout your child's life of you and your spouse, worrying and lecturing and endless consequences that don't work anyway. So here are a couple examples of things I wanted you to do.

I'll give you three. One, let your child teach you something. I know that sounds weird, but we spend our whole lives trying to teach our kids things, right? And what they feel like is they can never live up to your expectations. What is something that your child can actually teach you? Maybe something with electronics. With my son, it was teaching me how to play guitar and teaching me how to do something new because it just, it breaks that whole cycle of dad comes into the home and just barks orders and says, you're not doing this right. Here's how you cut the grass. Here's how you do

this. Here's how you do this. You can't, I know a dad that does this thing because he was in the Navy and he's like, oh, Navy amount of water that's allowed in the bathtub is only so many inches or whatever. And it just gets suffocating until your kids can't take it anymore. But when you let them teach you something, ah, something cool happens. Number two, I want you to bond with your kids over their interests. Dads, it can't be something you're interested in. It has to be something they're interested in. Hard part, you're not going to like what they're interested in. Hard part, you're not going to like what they're interested in. With Casey, here's what really changed our relationship. I went to him,

I said, Casey, I want to have time with you every Saturday where we just do something you're interested in. What are you into? And he said, dad, I love cars. I want to go test drive cars. I was like, seriously, you want me to go to car dealerships every Saturday and act like we're looking for a new car to go test drive? And he goes, yep, that's what I want to do. And for a couple years, I did that with my son. And I have to be honest, I hated it at first. I hate going to car dealerships. I'm not a big car guy.

But I will tell you, it was agenda-free time where we didn't talk about his attitude, his grades, his behavior. I just started to enjoy my son again. And looking back, we have so many good memories, so many fun times of places when we took a car out and a guy would say, well, I need to do the test drive with you. And we're like, no, you don't, because we're going to go fast in this car. And I remember one, I hope you're not offended by this. Please don't be. But we had this guy who's in this car. And I remember once, I hope you're not offended by this. Please don't be. But we had this guy who was in Leesburg, Virginia.

Case and I remember the exact, it was a Ford dealership. It was a Ford, I forget what it is. One of those fast Ford cars. Anyway, you can tell I'm not a car guy. Anyway, we take it out and it was an Indian guy. And I said, with all due respect, that's my Ricky Bobby line. Probably better if you don't go. He goes, no, no, no, it is our policy. We drive. And so Casey and I sit him in the back seat. And here's what we heard the whole time. Oh, my. Oh, my. Because we went fast. And so we have all of these great memories, but it built something in us. So I encourage you. Third thing, and this we could spend an hour on, is releasing your child from the expectation that he needs to be just like you. And I'll give you an example. When I was a kid, I was a really good athlete.

And I kind of a killer instinct, man. I grew up in a neighborhood with all boys. And we just, we were competitive. And my, so my son's playing ice hockey and, you know, it costs a lot of money to play ice hockey and you're investing a lot of time. And so you want your child to work hard and practice and give it his all. And I remember this game is in Ashburn, Virginia. I remember exactly where I was on the ice rink. I was on the South end of the ice rink, walking down, watching my son play defense, right? I'm wanting to put kids through the glass rink walking down, watching my son play defense. I'm wanting to put kids through the glass and be tough.

Kid skates around him, scores a goal, gets past my son, scores a goal, and my son goes up and taps the kid on the butt and is like, hey, nice goal. And I was furious because I wanted him to put his little head through the glass. You don't let another kid score on you. And if he scores, you're not going to pat him on the butt. Next time he comes in the zone, you're going to flatten that kid and let him know you don't score on my goalie. And what I realized in that moment was that's not who my son is. My son does not have the killer instinct when it comes to sports. It's not who he was. It's not who he is. And as long as I kept up, because every day after he'd get off the ice, I'd be like, you know, if I'm going to pay all this money, you need to start putting in effort. I'd get on him about all the things he

had done wrong because you're not back checking the right way. I don't like the way you're covering. Right. And he eventually shut down because nothing he could do could please me. So I started to change. And after every game, I'd say, hey, Case, good game. Do you have a good time out there? Now, underneath, I was fuming, right? I was like, I need to tell him all the stuff he's doing wrong. But I would compliment him. And then we talk about something else. And you know what happened over time? Eventually, Casey looked at me and said, Dad, I know I need some help out there. Could you let me know what are a couple of things that I could start doing differently? Now he's asking me for my help and he wants my wisdom and he's opening up to me. And because I changed how I did that,

and because I finally released him from the expectation, I eventually told him, Casey, you're not me. You're going to do things differently than I would do them. And I'm okay with that. I will tell you, he's got a killer instinct when it comes to work. I did, you know, call my son, email him. You will hear from him very, very quickly. He is a hard, hard worker and he will sit on the phone very quickly. He is a hard, hard worker, and he will sit on the phone with you. He is a good listener now. He is a beast of a worker, but he didn't always display that as a kid, and I almost destroyed that. So I want you to start doing this stuff. We will help you. Look, if you get this program, it's called CelebrateCalm.com forward slash no BS, and look,

I know it's irritating you to spend this much time on it, but I mean it. It has the power to change your very relationship with this child that you brought into the world or that you adopted. And it's important. This is more important than anything you're doing in your career, anything else. So email my son, Casey, listen to the program as you do. If you have questions, I promise I will walk through this with you. If you're a guy and you email me, I will take time to help you because I want you to have what I have now, which is I have a very gratifying relationship with my son. I talk to Casey almost every day. And you know, when he was a kid, he was irritating and we didn't have any of the same interests. Now we, we taught, we love history

together. We love, uh, political stuff together with all kinds of stuff. He's reading like, uh, these Russian writer, like Solzhenitsyn. And we're talking about like the dangers of different, any philosophy, all this philosophical stuff. Anyway, what I'm telling you is that relationship now, we get to joke together. It is an amazing relationship that I almost destroyed, and I don't want you to do the same thing. So if we can help you in any way, email Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Call us at 888-506-1871. If I can help you, reach out to me as well. Thank you. You're a good dad. You're a good mom. Thank you for listening to this. And I know that you are replaceable at work, but you are not

replaceable in the home. So we honor what you do. Thank you, men, by the way, for working so hard. Thank you for sacrificing. Thank you for busting your butt. Thank you. Look, thank you for all those sacrifices you have made over the years that your kids, that maybe your spouse, nobody else notices. Nobody sees it, but I know you've done that. And I appreciate and honor that in you. And if we can help you, let us know.