Calm Parenting Podcast - Disagree About Discipline? Want to Get Control of Screens?

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

Disagree About Discipline? Want to Get Control of Screens?  Do you struggle with excess screen use in your home? Unless you're Amish, you probably do! Do you struggle to get on the same page as your spouse? Kirk gives you practical scripts and interesting ideas to get control of screens, lead upset kids to calm, and get on the same page as your spouse. Learn more at CelebrateCalm.com. Questions? Contact [e-mail] and we'll be happy to help out personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So how many of you struggle with screen time in your home? Unless you're Amish, I imagine most of you do. How about getting on the same page as your spouse? Yeah, probably most of us. So I wanted to do a bonus episode. I'm going to try to kind of blunt, quick, direct talk in this one to give you some very helpful tools. So if you don't know us, this is Kirk Martin. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. As you listen to our programs on that app, if you don't know us, this is Kirk Martin. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. As you listen to our programs on that app, if you encounter situations you need clarity or need some help, just reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us what you're struggling with. We get together as a family. We'll help you out with that because that's what we're about. We're also pretty active on Instagram and on our Facebook page too, answering questions,

trying to post helpful videos. But I love the podcast and I hope you'll subscribe to the podcast so that it just automatically downloads to your phone or device so you can listen. But I love the podcast because I can go into more depth than I can on a 90 second video. So I was doing a phone, we were doing a brainstorming call with this couple because they're not on the same page in how to handle their really intense kid. And so in this case, it was an issue of, well, mom, mom is the empathetic one and she talks like this with her son and it's a little bit too sweet and too soft.

And with a strong willed child, they don't respect that tone of voice. And I know this sounds weird, but that tone of voice creates a lot of instability for a very bright kid who knows what he or she wants and has a very definite opinions on things. That tone sounds very unsteady and like I'm relinquishing control to you. And I just want you to take charge, child, and tell me what is good for you. That doesn't work. You have to lead these kids. And so moms, I know it makes some of you uncomfortable because to use an even matter of fact tone sounds kind of cold to you. But to that child, it sounds very settling. Here's what it sounds like. I've been here before. I've seen this before. I've been through life. When you're at your worst, I can handle you. When your world is out of

control, mine's not out of control. Everything's going to be okay because I'm leading you. And in our society, we make things as if it's an either or kind of thing because the dad in this case is kind of, he's too harsh. His tone gets a little bit pointed and sharp. Neither of the parents are doing anything wrong. And that's the really hard part about parenting a strong willed child or a neurodivergent child is that you're not doing anything wrong. It's just that it doesn't work. And so the dad, as a normal dad, gets a little bit easily frustrated. In this case, it's a five-year-old.

And he's frustrated like, you know, how many times do I have to tell you how to use a fork? And so he's getting on his son about using a fork in a proper way. Why? Because I'm a dad and because I project into the future. If you can't learn how to use a fork at age five, how are you going to go to business meetings when you're 25? And so dad's tone is too harsh. And so right in between those two is this calm, even, matter of fact manner very business-like manner it is very very grounding for your kids so i see this on instagram all the time with when i do a post on how to calm an upset child it's like either it's like well you just have to be really soft like

this and let your kids walk all over you or the others oh you know just use the belt use the back hand that'll straighten them out i'm like it doesn't have to be either or. A good leader, which is what we're called to be, is able to lead your child without being too soft or accommodating, but without being too harsh and crushing a child's spirit. It's right in between those two. If you go back and look in February, I did a really good foundational podcast on, it's something called from authoritarian, from authoritarian, because most of us, a lot of us were raised with that. We don't want to be authoritarian, but to being a good authoritative

leader without being too sweet. So I'd listened to that. So so this couple here's what we worked on them getting on the same page with their tone of voice practicing that tone of voice see we didn't have to figure everything out because they're not always going to agree on everything but if they start using the tone at same tone of voice then that sounds the same to their child and there's something magical happens with that when you start talking like this in this tone, it automatically takes the edges off of you of either being too accommodating or too harsh. Practice the tone. I encourage the dad, as his wife makes progress in speaking like this, she's

going to struggle and think, oh, it sounds kind of cold. I don't feel as nurturing. So I wanted dad to say, honey, you are the best mother on the face of the planet. You can't be mean if you tried. So I really, I'm proud of you for working on and using that voice. And likewise, I want the wife saying, hey, honey, you know what? You're doing a really good job because I know that was frustrating

what our son was doing. And I could see it on your face, but you adjusted your tone. You handled that really well. Affirm each other, help each other, do a reset for each other, even say the word like reset, honey, we just need to reset or come over, you know, touch, touch his arm, his forearm. A little touch on the hand is a little bit of a reset instead of like you know you need to watch your tone Kirk said not talk to not talk like that that's not really helpful right a good one in the moment you're in the kitchen and you're getting upset and it's like hey honey could you do

me a favor could you reach that um bowl from high up in the cupboard and just having 10 seconds away from the situation helps me reset I talked to the the dad. Here's a weird little one. Sometimes we as men, and I know some of you as moms do this too, but I know for sure men, we think our entire job as a dad is just to correct our kids and sometimes our wives. It doesn't work that well. So we think like, well, my job is just to walk around the house and I catch kids not doing things the right way or the way that I perceive that they need to be. So I have to correct them. Well, it just doesn't work well.

So I said, instead of correcting all the time, why don't you be the coach? I didn't say friend, right? It's not like, well, let's just be their friend. No, I want to be their coach because a coach comes alongside. See, what happens in discipline now is that it becomes very kind of me against you you know like I'm the authority figure over here you're the child over there and there's a chasm between us and I'm just going to correct you when you're doing things wrong until you finally feel like you can never please me that's not good discipline good

discipline as I come alongside I'm like son you look, you keep doing things that hurt you. It's not hurting me. I'm a grown man, but I'm curious why, why you yelled at your mother when you know that that causes you to lose things, what's going on that would lead you to yell at your mother or to hit your sister, because I want to help you with whatever's causing that frustration, that anger. And I'm talking to them like this, not like, honey, you know, I know it's okay because sometimes people get mad. That language sounds so condescending to a strong-willed child. I talked to them like an adult. Hey, I heard that tone of voice you used with your sister, with your mom. I saw how you did that. That's not working in our home. So I'm curious,

what's going on? Did something happen at school? Something happen at soccer practice? What's going on did something happen at school something happened at soccer practice what's going on because I want to help you with that see that tone is very grounding and so that's kind of a coaching I hesitate to say that because men are going to be like I'm not their friend not asking you to be their friend I'm asking you to come alongside and use the same tone that a coach does sometimes it just helps to do. I also talk to them about this because I know the dynamic. Mom, sometimes this mom is going to want to kind of spoil or baby her little child. And so here's where you need to communicate moms and dads. So mom can say to husband, hey hubby, look, I know the situation we may disagree. I want to use my mommy card here and be able to spoil him, baby him a little bit.

Can I do that? Because I'd really like to right now. And then for dads sometimes say, hey, honey, look, I know the situation. I want to pull the dad card here because sometimes I do want to be tough on him because I want to expect more of him or her. See, that way you're not just doing things to undermine each other. It's not building resentment.

See, she just coddles him all the time. That's why he misbehaves because she's always coddling him. And then mom's not resentful. Like he can't even control himself. He's so harsh. I think, look, most of you, your motives are good. It's just that sometimes you don't use the right tone and you go too far and you can't control yourselves and your own anxiety. So you've got to work on that. But I like the idea of expressly communicating. Hey, honey, I know that we disagree right now, but can I use the mommy card? Or honey, I know we disagree. Could I use the dad card? I'm not going to freak out on your son. I just want to, I just believe that he's capable

of handling this. And I want him to feel the confidence that comes from handling adversity and doing it the hard way. See, that's an honest discussion between you. Okay. Enough of that. Work on that. If you get the every. If you get the get everything package on our website, it comes with the marriage program. And I'll do a 10 second thing for this. Most men don't want to go to marriage therapy because it feels like they're being teamed up on by their wife and the therapist. In our program, I talk to guys like guys. It's very practical. You can do it from home. It saves you a ton of money. By the way, that whole thing, you get all of that. There's a spring sale on.

Get all of that for basically the price of one or two trips to see a therapist. And it's often better than therapy, especially for kids. Okay, so here's what I wanted to hit. Now, this is going to be tough. I'm just going to be blunt with it. Wives, if your husband is resistant to changing, and he's kind of destroying the relationship with his child and being too hard, I think you need to be direct.

This is coming from someone who's worked with a lot of people, a lot of husbands and wives. I am one of four boys in my family. I raised a son. I'm around a lot of guys. We like very direct talk. And so I would not be opposed. In fact, I'd encourage you at some point to say, honey, you're being a jerk to your five-year-old, to your 15-year-old. It's not working and I'm beginning to lose respect for you. I didn't sign

up for this. See, that's short and sweet. Now, the real word I wanted to use, which I do encourage you, if you're comfortable with it, is to say, you know what? You're being a, the D word, it's four letters. It's what men say to each other a lot because we get it very quick. Hey, don't be a, and we get it instantly. Hey, you're being a D word to your five-year-old, to your nine-year-old, to your 15-year-old. It's not working and I'm losing respect for you. I think that's an honest statement and I think it will impact your husband. He's not going to like it at first, but it's a true statement. And we care about respect a lot. And the reason you're losing respect for your husband is because you thought you were

marrying a grown man and he's actually acting like a child because he can't control himself. And this works both ways, but I'm picking on men because that's usually what's happening more in our world. And I'm a man. I don't really pick on women. You know why? Because women pick on themselves enough. Women read all the parenting books, all the parenting blogs, listen to all the podcasts, and you work so hard and you never feel like you're doing a good enough job.

So I don't need to lay more stuff on moms usually except to like control your anxiety, stop talking too sweetly, right? And do more for yourself so you don't get resentful. But that kind of tone with your husband, I didn And do more for yourself so you don't get resentful. But that kind of tone with your husband, I didn't sign up for this. You could go even further and say, look, we either work at this. I had a couple today, beautiful. They ordered the programs and they said, hey, do we each get them? Because we go on walks together and we listen to your podcast together

and then discuss it. we can we get it on our own phones and I was like absolutely you have it forever you get on your own phone so you can listen together separately see you tell your husband look this is a free podcast we listen to this otherwise this ends up in a therapist's office which is going to be thousands of dollars or an attorney's office which is tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. But be direct with us, wives. Don't let us off the hook because we'll dismiss you all the time. Okay, I got to move on from that. So one of the other things with this family and many families is they're doing the thing of like, well, motion changes, move emotions. So the child's getting upset and they're like, honey, do you want to do pushups right now? Would you like to do some breathing exercises?

And for the most part with many of their kids are going to be like, no, because I'm really frustrated. I'm upset and I'm angry. And so I'm not necessarily always going to ask them. I'd rather you lead them because when they say, honey, why don't you do your pushups? Why don't you do your breathing exercises? What it feels like is I kind of really need you to calm down right now because you're really dysregulated and upset. And so why don't you do this right now? And it's kind of trying to fix them. And people resist that.

I'd rather you come in the room and say, you know what? I can tell you're frustrated. I'm frustrated too. I had a bad day at work. So you know what I do? I like doing some heavy work. I've got some bags of topsoil in the backyard. Will you come out?

Do you think you could help me lift one of those? Do you think you could help me push that across the lawn? Hey, you know what I just remembered? I love doing that. Oh, you know what I just remembered? Because when I say that, it's buying me like three seconds to come up with something to do in the moment to get me out of that where I want to be like, calm down, little kid or 15 year old. And now with a little kid, I can say, you know what? I just remember we haven't done the obstacle course in a while. Won't we go out back and I'll time you. Let's see if you can get through your entire obstacle course in less than a minute, or let's do a race. Or I've mentioned this before, a kid who loves fish. Oh, you know what I remember? Hey, we're going this weekend to fish.

Won't we go to the garage? When you're ready, meet me out in the garage. Let's organize our fishing gear and those lures. Because organizing things, counting things, gives me a sense of control if I'm a little kid or a big kid. And it helps me calm down. But the whole idea I wanted to get across here is lead your kids. Stop asking them and lead them. And that leads me to my third point. Lead your kids.

Instead of saying, guys, do you want to go to the museum tomorrow because they have this really new exhibit and I think you'll really like it. No, I don't think so, no. Kids, do you want to go to the park? No, too hot, too humid, don't want to go. Well, honey, you know, it's such a beautiful day. It would be such a shame to waste.

Don't try to convince your kids. They're not looking to be convinced and you can't anyway. So I want you to learn to lead them. And so that's our job as parents is to lead them. And so I would rather you say, hey, in the morning, I know you're doing your thing from nine to 10. After that, we're going to the museum. We're going to the park.

But I don't want to go to the park. I don't want to do it. I know you don't. We're going. And you lead. That's not being too harsh. Watch what I'm not doing. I'm not getting personal. You know what? All you do is sit around're going. And you lead. That's not being too harsh. Watch what I'm not doing. I'm not getting personal. You know what? All you do is sit around and play video games all

day. When I was a kid, I'm not doing any of that. I don't use a lot of words. When I lead, I lead with my actions and with my attitude, but I don't try to convince. I don't try to bribe. I just lead. And I learned that we had 1,500 kids in our home over the course of a decade None of them ever wanted to do anything I wanted to do And so I learned if I would start walking and they would complain. This is boring. This is the dumbest camp ever I'm tired. I don't turn around. I don't react to it I keep walking and I engage them in some other conversation even matter of fact lead them Let's lead with screens. Look, I can't do all of our screen stuff. We have a whole program you get with a package on controlling screens so they

don't control your home. But let's start with one thing this coming week. So I just did an Instagram video on this and here's what I basically said. I said, today is a great day because it is technology free Tuesday, right? And so go Amish on your kids tonight and cut off electricity. Okay, don't cut off electricity, but let's just do two hours. One night this coming week, just do two hours of screen free time. It can be from five to seven, from six to eight, from seven to nine. It doesn't matter to me. You do it for your home. And that means everybody does that, including dad. We're all on the same page. And so guess what's going to happen? Because your kids are going to be like, but what are we going to do? And your answer is going to be like,

well, probably be bored and be uncomfortable. We're going to sit in our discomfort of not having our screens and you're not going to be happy. That's what we're going to do. So your kids aren't going to be happy with this. Your job as a parent is not to make them happy. It is to lead and to teach them. You know what's best for them. So get a board game out. It gives your kids an opportunity to say, you know why they call it board games? Because it makes us bored and they're boring. And so while you're playing the board game, they're going to be so miserable. And your teenager is going to be sitting there glaring at you with a sullen look on their face like they hate you and you're the antichrist. And I want you to play that board game with joy. Whether you're a single parent and you play by yourself

and move different pieces around the board, guess what? You're going to win because you're playing alone. Awesome. If you're playing with your spouse, have fun. Lead them. Eventually, eventually, they will join in. Better yet, go outside. If you can, get outside. Ride your bikes. Go for a hike. Hide stuff. Do a treasure hunt. Build a fort. Go down by the stream and skip rocks. Go in the woods, or if you're in a subdivision, those eight trees that they left. Build something in there. Dig. Do the kind of stuff we did as kids.

Play ding dong ditch. Well, you can't anymore because of the stupid ring doorbell. You'll get caught. Play some old school games. Go for an ice cream. Make a new tradition. Connect again. Show your kids what it's like and lead them for two hours without screens

i guarantee if you start doing that you're going to reintroduce them to some other things that are fun but you're doing it with them when we were kids it was go outside and play but we could also go outside and play anywhere we were literally as a, we were gone eight, ten hours a day, and our parents didn't even know where we were or what we were doing, and we got home, they didn't even ask. Your kids now, you've got to get outside and lead them and show them how to do it. So take advantage of that. Do that. Look, we've got a whole program on screens and it's really important, but we don't have to tackle the big thing. This is a doable one that every family can do. Whether you have four-year-olds, eight, nine, 10, 12, 17-year-olds, just do it. This is what we do in our home. So

lead with that. If we can help you out, let us know. Reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Share the podcast if you find it helpful. join us on Instagram or Facebook for our discussions and let us know how we can help you. We know this is really hard. We know you get judged as a parent. We know none of this is easy, but we want to walk alongside you and we want to help you through this. So however we can help you, let us know. Okay. Love you all. You're good parents. You're listening to a parenting podcast. You're good parents. Get all the bad parents to start listening. Just kidding. Okay. Love you all. You're good parents. You're listening to a parenting podcast. You're good parents. Get all the bad parents to start listening. Just kidding.

Okay, love you all. Bye.