Calm Parenting Podcast - Dishonesty or Distrust? When Kids Lie or Won’t Talk to You.

Episode Date: October 16, 2022

Dishonesty or Distrust? When Kids Lie or Won’t Talk to You. Your child lies, withholds information, is like a chameleon blending in. You can’t fully trust him and think there’s a dishonesty issue. But what if it’s something else? Kirk shows you how to get your kids to be vulnerable and trust you. Get The No B.S. Program and have an actual game plan ASAP that will repair and rebuild your relationship and trust with your strong-willed child. Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2022/2023?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY! Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you have a child who lies to you or isn't fully honest about things or sometimes kind of hides things, obfuscates a little bit. And so you never really know what's going on. And that's disconcerting to you. And so I get emails, they'll be like, oh, my son is dishonest. And sometimes what we really find out, it's not really dishonesty, it's distrust. And that's what I'm going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is going to be a short one, quick one. I want to hit it hard.

Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Please share this with others. If you need help, reach out to our son. His name is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Let us know about your family. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. We discuss it. We reply back to you pretty quickly with details, strategies, some ideas for you, because that's our family mission. If you need help with anything else, just contact Casey. We have in this episode, I think I'm going to focus a lot on the No BS program. And I would just say this. If you have a middle school or high school child, you should have this. It is the instruction manual that you didn't get when you came home from the hospital with a strong-willed child.

Or if you adopted that child. It's 25 specific action steps that will rebuild your relationship. So here's the deal with this situation. I was talking to a family phone consultation. And they're like, you know, I've got this son and he's really interested in history. And, you know, we were at this special school dinner and he got up there and he was supposed to state what his major was going to be in college, but he didn't want to say he was going to be a history major. And so they were really concerned because he kind of lied. And if you

dig into it, here's what you find. He's got family all around him who's giving him a hard time because a history major isn't going to make enough money. And that's not like a hard scientist. He's not going to be like an engineer or physicist or something else, right? And so he's hearing all of that. And so he changes his story because he doesn't want to put up with all of the judgment that's coming and he doesn't feel accepted as he is. And I would say for many of your strong will kids from an early age, that's what it feels like. Nobody really understands me. School's against me. Teachers are against me. Everybody assumes the worst about my motives, that I do things for the wrong reason. And it feels

like I'm swimming upstream against society, and nobody really gets me because I'm just in trouble all the time. That's a horrible way to go through your childhood, and that will lead to a lot of negative things. So deep, deep acceptance of your child, really, really important. By the way, let's please watch how we talk to kids about things. Who says you can't make a lot of money being a history major? If any of you are fans of Dan Carlin and hardcore history, he is one of the most passionate guys about history, and he has built a really great organization and following doing that.

So as long as you're passionate about something, you make a fine living and even a great living. And who cares if your child loves this and it's inside of them, you should want him to do it. So here's what I think is really going on. After I got done with this consultation, I kind of wrote this thing out and I was like, is this dishonesty or distrust? Now I get it. This kid is, he's a thoughtful, intuitive, deep thinking kid. He's a feeler. And you've got to watch, watch your kids who are very sensitive. They're often very sensitive,

even physically to things, but they're sensitive. And so that can cut both ways, right? Some of it is they, they assume that teachers don't like them. They feel things so deeply. It also means that they can also be very intuitive in feeling the pain of other people and they can have a big heart toward people who are struggling. And they're often chameleons, right? They kind of change their colors to fit in a little bit, which is honestly a fantastic skill to have. We just want them to be confident in how they do it, right? Part of it is they don't like being watched or pressured. Please know that about your strong-willed kids. If you are standing over them, watching them, pressuring them,

and not giving them space to touch the hot stove themselves to figure things out, here's what they're going to say. I'm out. I'm out. I'm not going to do things with you metaphorically or physically watching over me. I want to figure some things out on my own. I want to know that it's okay to try some things in a different way and not be judged for it and not be disappointing everybody. That is hugely important. So here's a key point. Consider this with your child. Maybe every time your child has spoken up, told the truth, told you something, that he

registers the disappointment on your face and he's simply tired of it. He simply doesn't want to have to deal with it anymore. Because some of you, like me, are type A people. And you've got a plan. You went through life a certain way. And your child doesn't go through life that same way. And you're nervous. You're anxious about his future. And you want him or her to do it a certain way. And so when your child did open up and did tell you the truth in the past, did you register disappointment? Did you say, you know, that's good,

but did you really accept that? Were you curious and say, hey, that's an interesting take. That's an interesting path. I wouldn't have thought of it. I'm curious. Why does that appeal to you? Because I'd really like to learn. Were you curious or do your kids register the disappointment and what they say over time is? It's just not worth it? You tell me to open up and tell you the truth. But then when I do, your reaction to it is usually try to convince me otherwise, talk me out of it. And I'm just tired of it. And so this kid, my assumption was, he's just tired of it. And so he doesn't want to have to deal with it. So he just tells people what they want to hear so that he can go and do his own

thing. And here's a common thing. This isn't always true, but for dads, a lot of what motivates us and helps us and hurts us as dads is we want our kids to be successful. Here's what mainly drove me and drives me as a dad. I want my son to be successful. And what I see is he's missing opportunities to do certain things because some of your kids are anxious and they won't go for it. They won't jump into things. And this one dad I was talking to is like, yeah, I always regretted that I didn't do ROTC. I should have done that. And so watch what happens as the dad. I'm now dealing with the regrets that I had when I was younger that led me to not be as successful as I should have. And I love my son and I don't want him to miss out on things like I did. So now

I'm going to make sure that I'm on him all the time, right? So when dad sees his son making the same mistakes, a dad can often get angry about it and react. I know that because with Casey and I, we have the same triggers, right? We're sometimes jerks at the same time. So when he's impatient, I re look, when Casey is impatient, what happens is I recognize that same trait inside of me. So I snap at him because I don't want him to be like me in that way. And then it becomes this vicious cycle. So dads, moms, watch out for that. Now moms, again, this is as a whole. Here's what a dad wants. I want my child to grow up and be successful. Moms tend to want, well, I want my child to grow up and be happy, right? So mom's thing is like, oh honey, you'd have so many friends and you'd be so happy if you just did it

that way. And I so want you to do better. I want you to be happy in life. And so when your son or your daughter doesn't make those decisions, you begin to lecture and get on him, right? And you say things of like, oh, honey, you don't know what you're missing. I hate that phrase. Is there anything worse? Oh, you don't know what you're missing. Truth is, yeah, you know what? I do know what I'm missing, okay? And I'm okay. Or I don't know what I'm missing and I'm okay with that. But don't impose what is meaningful to you on me. Don't assume that your child cares about the same things that you care about. Now, when it comes to anxiety, I don't have a problem. And I encourage you to give your child tools so that, one, we're going to normalize anxiety.

Of course, you don't want to go do new things. It's scary. It's normal. Nothing wrong with you. And then I give tools, like having someone at the place where they're going to go give my child a job to do so it makes it a little bit easier for him to participate. It brings down the barriers.

So I don't give up on it. I'm just saying don't impose your stuff on your child, right? So with dad's like, well, I want to be successful and I missed out on things when I was a kid, so I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen. And mom's like, I just want to be happy. So we have to begin with a deep, deep acceptance of who your child is, right? We have to show that we understand him because that also helps him understand himself. That is huge. So he

doesn't feel like there's something wrong with him. Much of the time in the No BS program, what we're going through is this process of releasing your child from your expectations, releasing them from being just like you so you can accept them and they feel confident. Nobody's going to feel confident if I always feel like people are disappointed in me. So here's a good thing that you could do. Apologize, right? I did this with Casey all the time. Hey, Case, listen, I need to apologize. The reason I just snapped at you is because that's something I've struggled with and I shouldn't be taking that out on you. I'm projecting what I'm angry at myself about and putting that on you. And that's not fair. And Bob, maybe you explain,

you say, honey, I love you so much. I love you so much. I just want the best for you. But it's my issue. It's my issue because I'm trying too hard sometimes and I haven't accepted you as you are. Can you imagine what it would feel like for parents of a teenager or a middle schooler or even a third grader to come along and say, I need to apologize because I haven't always accepted you as you are. It probably doesn't feel like I'm always pressuring you to be someone else or to be just like me. How awesome a question would that be to do that? So you're going to now teach your child a new skill, how to speak up and say things that didn't, that disappoint you, right? To have them actually practice and say, mom, dad,

I didn't do my assignment. See, he usually can't do that, not because he's dishonest, but it's because dad gets angry and mom lectures and makes him feel like a failure. True? Now, it could be that mom gets angry. Right. It doesn't matter which one. The parents get angry. Then you lecture and you make them feel like a failure.

So guess what your child learns? Well, I can't tell them the truth. It's not worth it because now I'm just going to get hammered for that. Right? And so that's a new skill for him. You could even give your child a script to use, even a code word. Hey, football. That means, dad, I want to go outside and play catch. And I need to tell you something that you may be not like, but I'm giving you a heads up because I use that code word. We're going to go toss the ball

around. And I want you to know, please don't react and make me feel like I'm this tall because it takes some courage to tell you the truth. And I'm doing that. So that code word thing, awesome. It's also a new skill for you, how to not react to your child and show that disappointment, anger, how to accept your child as he or she is and normalize things and actually problem solve instead of shaming them, right? Another great question to ask your child, does it ever feel like we've misunderstood your motives? Does it ever feel like nothing you can do will please us? If so, then I apologize.

See, what we entered this conversation with was, well, we have a dishonesty issue. When in reality, it's a distrust issue. They don't trust us enough sometimes to tell us the truth because of how we react. And it's also a skills issue. Child needs to learn how to speak up and tell the truth and be assertive about what his or her needs. And we need a skill of learning to not react so that they do own up. So we own, each person owns his or her part in this. And that's an awesome thing, right? And something you can tell your child sometime is we haven't made it easy for you to be honest because we've been waiting with the wagging finger. We've been lecturing you and moralizing to you about integrity issues when it wasn't an integrity issue at all.

It was an issue that you just couldn't trust us. And so we apologize for that, right? Now that, that will change behavior in the home. That will change relationships. And remember, it is relationships that change behavior in the home. That will change relationships. And remember, it is relationships that change behavior. Consequences don't change behavior. Relationships do. Giving people new skills do.

So I'm going to encourage you very bluntly. If you do not have it yet, go to the website, celebratecalm.com forward slash no BS. Get that program. It's 25 specific action steps, short and sweet. I made it so guys could do it and would do it because men won't go through like 30 hours of stuff, but they'll go through something that's very specific. And you go through these action steps one by one. You will rebuild that relationship with your child and you will learn new skills. It is an awesome thing. If you need help, reach out to Casey.

Thank you all for listening. Thank you for letting me be tough on you. It's because I want the relationships to change and I know we're capable of so much more. So thank you, love you all, bye-bye.