Calm Parenting Podcast - Do What Works, Even If It’s Weird

Episode Date: November 21, 2021

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over the course of a decade, and we learned to observe them because these kids told us everything they needed by what they did. Quick story. So we had a lot of kids come to our home who would take the cushions off the sofa and then lie down on the hard part of the sofa. And at first your thought is like, that's weird. Why would you do that? But then you start to observe and learn. And what we discovered was they liked the physical pressure. It felt good. It's like the kids who lie upside down off the sofa. Instead of fighting it, use it to your advantage. The reason they're doing that is because blood flow rushes to their brain, which actually makes it easier for them to concentrate and learn. Plus, it's kind of

interesting. And some of them have a vestibular need. So we started doing math homework with kids while we're laying upside down. We had awesome discussions with them like that. We have kids who spin, right? And so instead of getting all upset about it, you quiz them on vocabulary words while they're spinning, and it works awesome. So we had these kids on the sofa. And so three quick things that I learned from these kids just by observing them. One, sleep issues. Put your kids in a sleeping bag. It often feels very comforting to be all kind of nice and cozy like that wrapped up. That's why many of your kids like to be wrapped like a taco or a burrito, sometimes sleeping with heavy blankets on them or a golden retriever.

You put them in a sleeping bag. Some of your kids, you shove them in a closet somewhere. Don't tell anybody you're doing that. They will sleep so well. Experiment with it. Second thing we learned. These kids often like confined spaces. So instead of doing their homework sitting at the table so you can stand behind them and say, you know what, if you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of taking three hours, which isn't really motivating. What if you put a blanket over the table? Now you've got a fort. Forts are cool. So they do their schoolwork, their homework underneath the table. Now it's dark under there, so you've got to give them light, so you give them a flashlight. Flashlights are cool. Matches, even better. Just kidding. But that will stimulate their brain.

And then they just eat the mac and cheese and chicken nuggets that fell off the plate from the night before. Third thing we got from it, calming kids down. So we had a code word in our home when kids got upset and frustrated, which was every day all the time. So I don't like talking a lot when kids are upset. It makes them more upset. So I had a code word with a specific job attached to it. When kids were melting down and really upset, I'd say, hey, sofa. And their job was to run into my living room, throw the cushions off the sofa, then lie down on the hard part of the sofa. I would come in, put the cushions on top of them, and then sit down on top of the cushions. It was instantly calming. Three reasons. One, it was weird. Number two, sensory pressure. It felt good for them to get that sensory pressure.

And thirdly, I wasn't looking them in the eyes in the midst of their shame over having gotten upset. And so we were able to problem solve while we did that. That's an example of doing what works, even if it's weird. Now, we have our own strong-willed son, and his name's Casey. And I'm going to give you a lot of ideas, but three quick things I wanted you to know. If you need help ever, reach out to Casey. It's C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm.com. And there are three things you can ask him for help with. One is we're traveling in late January, early February to Seattle, Washington. It's a long way from home. We're going to be on the West Coast.

And so it's perfect time if you have a school, church, synagogue, organization, anybody that wants to host a workshop, reach out to us. If you're out in Oregon, Northern California, Washington State, Montana, Idaho, Western Canada, it doesn't matter. Just reach out to us because we'd love to come and it's the perfect time. Number two, it's the holidays. Everybody's happy. That means we have a huge sale. Take advantage of it at CelebrateCalm.com.

If you need help, ask Casey. And then thirdly, the cool thing Casey put together, we've got this new app that makes it really easy. Even I can use it, and I'm not tech savvy. Download all of our programs right to any device, and it's easy to listen to at any time. And the great thing is you can download the programs right to your hubby's phones or your parents' iPads so they can listen on their way to work anywhere they want, while they're working out, while they're walking at home, anywhere, and then they can understand your kids and you guys can all get on the same page. So

let's go through a few other weird ideas that really work. Look, many of our kids don't like getting up in the morning because here's what morning sounds like. Hey, come on, come on, come on. Get ready, get ready. I'm going to badger you to get ready and do the five things you least want to do early in the morning. Get up, get dressed, eat, brush your hair, brush your teeth, and then go to that place where you're on red on the behavior chart all the time and don't have many friends ready to go. Of course they're not. So they don't want to get out of bed and they feel and resist all of our anxiety. Some of your kids have anxiety about school and some of them just don't like getting

up. So I love having obstacle courses for younger kids, even older kids. I want them to have things that they crawl under, climb over, that they have to pull on, that they have to climb, push, all those things. It doesn't have to cost any money in the backyard, in the basement. Have that. So imagine that tomorrow morning, you walked into your child's room, especially younger kids, and said, hey, guess where I hid your breakfast? Outside in the obstacle course. Bet you can't find it in the next seven minutes. Hide their breakfast. Put it outside. And everybody laughs at that when we're at live events. I'm like, but would your kids like that? And they'd be like, mm-hmm. Then why won't you do it? Who cares if it's weird? I don't care if you say, hey, guess where I hid your clothes?

Outside. Bet you can't find it. Our kids like challenges. They like treasure hunts. They like searching for things. They like problem solving. And here's a really practical part of this. You're starting the morning with something fun, with something that they'd want to do. It mixes it up. They get physical exercise. They get sensory exercise, which is really important for your kids, especially your more volatile kids. They need the physical pressure. Look, I don't care if they have a disorder if it's labeled a disorder it's not a disorder it's just the fact that their body craves physical pressure why do we have to call it anything other than their body craves it and

so if we give it to them they tend to feel more settled in their bodies in their brains so what so I wait hey but you can't find it outside Now they have a reason to get up that's fun. And here's a very practical aspect, which we all laugh at when we're in public at the live events, but it's also very true. You have a child who may be perfectly happy and content eating his breakfast outside with the chipmunks and the birds while you and maybe your less challenging children are inside just eating it the normal way. Everybody's happy. Your strong-willed child gets to eat alone. And he likes that alone time. It's different. It's odd, right? Who cares? While you and your other kids are inside and they don't have to worry about you badgering that child about he's not eating his breakfast and he's causing all kinds of issues.

It works. So why not do it? Now, sometimes they joke and say, hey, imagine saying, hey, guess where you're going to eat your oatmeal this morning? Out of the dog's dish. I'm not even going to clean it out. Some of your kids would love that because it's disgusting. And then they go to school with street cred. Guess where I ate my oatmeal out of the dog's dish and my mom didn't even clean it out, right? It just makes it, you don't have to do that one. But I guarantee you if one night you just took some mac and cheese and just flung it out onto the grass, your kids would go out there and eat like dogs on all fours and they'd be happy as a clam and they'd eat their food. Do what works, even if it's odd. Older kids, two things. Try this. Let older kids do their homework in the van or the SUV after you pick them up from school

or bring them back from an extracurricular. That van or SUV or car, pickup truck. I have kids who do in the back of a pickup truck. It doesn't matter. It's different. It's their own place. It's like their own little mini office and they can listen to the radio or do whatever while they're doing their homework. Try it. You know, this is a weird one, but I found that it works really well. You may have some older neighbors, some retired couple or retired teacher in your neighborhood. Don't be afraid to ask that person or that couple if they would mind, say, hey, I've got this child and he struggles a little bit in school. Would you mind tutoring him a little bit? Because I think he'd really respond to you. And you know what? You're going to think like, well, I don't want to bother them. Let me switch it around on you. You're doing them

a favor. There's older people who have a lifetime of wisdom that they want to give. And they often love kids, including the strong willed kids, because strong willed kids are filled with energy. And I know this from watching my mom as she got older, she missed the energy and vitality that kids brought into the home. My mom raised four boys. We were loud and my mom missed all the loudness, the activity. And so if you had a kid, my mom would have loved having your child, your strong-willed one who's horrible for you, who's really good for other people at her house. And she would have been, see watch, that older couple or that other couple, just other parents, doesn't matter if they're old, but I like using older people because they have a

lot to give. They'll be really patient with your child and they'll love on your child and your child will get built up and feel confident with them. And again, it gives them space away from, look, away from you and your annoying voice and your nagging parenting stuff. And they get to be with someone who's got a lifetime of experience that they can share with your child. So you get two hours away from your challenging child. Everybody wins.

Why not do that? Right? Dinner time. For some of you, dinner time's miserable because dad just sits at the table. You know what? You're going to sit still at the dinner time, dinner table. You're going to sit still and eat all your food. We're going to enjoy dinner together as a family.

Right? Well, apparently you're not going to enjoy it. What's wrong occasionally with just feeding the kids early? Right? Dad, why don't you just give them their mac and cheese and chicken nuggets early? what's wrong occasionally with just feeding the kids early, right? Dad, why don't you just give them their mac and cheese and chicken nuggets early? When your wife gets home from work, well then guess what? You two just have dinner alone. And now you don't have to worry about correcting the kids

and making sure they eat everything. Just feed them early. What's wrong with that? So I encourage you this week. Look, we've got dozens and dozens of these ideas. It's based on science and research and observing your kids and what we noticed with 1500 kids and a million kids with families we work with. Do it, even if it's weird. Do what works, even if other people don't get it. It doesn't matter what they get. It's your family. So if we can help you

with this, when you email us, we often come back with email back with some weird ideas like that. We're like, try it. As you listen to the programs over the holidays, because I want you to be prepared as we begin a new year. I want you to know what to do with these kids. And I'd love for your spouse to listen to this and your own parents. You can even share this. I don't care. Share it with the teachers. Download it through their phone so they understand your child. So if we can help in any way, reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.