Calm Parenting Podcast - Don’t Crush Spirits—3 Ways to Help Unmotivated, Defiant Kids

Episode Date: June 16, 2020

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Do you have a child who won't just do simple things that you ask them to do, right? Because maybe you're a rule follower. And so when someone tells you to do something, your instinct is you just do it. But their instinct is to ask why and to hem and haw and complain. Maybe there's a big meltdown that comes from just being asked to do something simple. Or maybe they won't pick up their toys or they won't try their hardest and practice an instrument. It's really, really tough.

I'm glad your kids are like that. I'm glad they're strong-willed. Who wants a weak-willed child? Anyway, we're going to talk about that today on the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. We're glad you're here. And if we can help you, reach out to us. You'll talk to our strong-willed child, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. He will help you with anything that you need. And this last couple weeks have been awesome because people are struggling. They've been at home. Some of you are struggling financially. And I've said this repeatedly, we are a family. This is not just a family business. It is a family mission. We all work in this together. And what we always like to tell people is reach out to us. You're not reaching out to some faceless, big corporation. You're reaching out to a family who has been through the struggles you've been through. And if you tell us about your family, we will help you. We will recommend the exact resources that you need, and we can do it within your budget.

We are here to serve, so use the service. So here's what we're gonna talk about today. I got this email from a mom, awesome mom. And she had said, this word kind of triggered me because she said, you know, I'm just so puzzled by my child. And she said, by my husband too. And so I read it and I emailed back and I said, do you give me permission to be brutally honest with you, to be straightforward, to take kind of a no BS approach? And she said, yes, because I want to change. And I was like, awesome. So I told her,

I said, this word puzzled, to me, here's what I hear. It sounds like a little bit of a subtle judgment of your child in that the word, well, I'm just puzzled by his behavior. And what I really heard was, I don't get why he does it that way. It's not the right way. It's wrong. And he needs to do it my way. And I get that because if you are, say, a type A parent, like I am, right? And you're like, man, I've got stuff to do. I want my child to be orderly and conscientious and get things done the way I've always done it, right? Because I'm driven. I've got my list of affirmations. I've got my written goals every day. I'm on it.

And then you have a child who's not like that. That's going to be a problem. And the mom emailed back and she said, that's exactly what it is. And thank you. Thank you for making it about me, right? Because look, there's no guilt. There's no blame. There's no judgment in any of this. It's not like, well, your child's difficult because you're such a horrible parent. It's not

what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is I can't change other people. I cannot change the behavior of another human being, but I can change my behavior, my attitude, the way I view other people every single day. And that gives me a tremendous amount of power because what we've learned in dealing with about a million of these kids is the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. And in today's podcast, we're going to talk about this for toddlers, elementary school age, middle school, high school, all throughout. I'm going to give you some examples. So much of it is based on how you view your kids. Because watch, if you're a generally compliant rule follower by nature, you're going to struggle with your strong-willed child. Because if you view your

child as like rebellious, defiant, pig-headed, unmotivated, nothing you say or do will work. It's all going to backfire because your child's going to resist you and shut down. And you know what happens? You'll slowly grow apart and you'll resent each other. And here's the hard part. When someone asks you to do something, your first thought is, well, you just do it. But that's not what your strong-willed child thinks. His first thought is to question it. And you've heard him. Why? And you've heard that and it drives you crazy because you never said that to your parents. My dad was career military. So you, right? And his response was ours is not to question why ours is about to do and die from the charge of the light brigade. That was my dad's parenting philosophy. So it was a ton of fun growing up. Right? And so you didn't question, you just did

what you were told to do immediately. And we grow up like that. Now we have a child who asks why. And your child is going to ask why. And it's not that he's always being defiant, right? You're going to be tempted to think he is. And if you don't get this, you're going to have endless power struggles with this child. And you will have created many of them. That's moms and dads, right? Because we're like, well, it's my way or the highway. I just need to tell him what to do and he should do it. Good. And you're never going to enjoy your relationship with your child, right? Because the reason he's asking why, and you don't have to like this, I'm not even saying it's right. It's because he needs context. Because strong-willed children are big picture strategic thinkers. Why do you think they argue so much? They're tinkering with

your brain. They're strategic thinkers. That's why they're good at chess and checkers and building with Legos and arguing. It's the same part of the brain. You actually want this. It's a great quality for them to have because it will make them good thinkers in life. And that's what companies pay people to do. Be a good thinker, question things, find a different way to do it that makes me more money, right? I'll pay for that. But it's hard, right? Because we want that quality. We just don't want it as parents, right? We just want you to be a little lemming and do what exactly I told you to do. You know, don't think, I don't want your creativity. I don't want you to actually think through things critically. I know I just want you

to do what I told you to do and be quiet, right? Be seen and not heard. That was awesome. That was our parents' generation, right? They made it really easy for themselves, right? Be seen and not heard. Yep, that's the way it's supposed to be. Oh, that's an awesome quality, but guess who else we did that to? Women and just anybody else that was beneath us. So anyway, so if you look back through history, that's kind of how it worked. By the way, generationally speaking, what happened in the 50s, when a lot of this came, a lot of us liked the 1950s parenting style because it was basically kids do whatever you want them to do, right? Because you had a generation of parents who had grown up through

the Depression, had gone off to fight in World War II. Those young men and women, but mainly young men came back from the theater of war, having seen awful things when they were 18 and 19 and 20. So guess what they came back and wanted? Extreme order. Look at all the homes that were built in the 1950s. Our entire neighborhood was brick split level homes. Every street name in our subdivision began with an S. All the men were the same thing. White shirt, skinny black tie, dark suit. That's what you wore in the 1950s. It's the IBM era. It's that whole thing of, we just want order and structure because we saw so many horrendous things through our childhood. And in our early years, we just want everybody to pay attention and to be good and for our kids to

toe the line and for everything to be stable and watch how it works. Well, what happened in the 60s? Well, then you get people breaking free from that. Anyway, this stuff is nothing new, right? Strong-willed children have been around since forever, right? So he's also asking, when he says why, he's also asking why because he knows how you want him to do it, but he wants to evaluate if there's a better way to do it. And you won't like that because you want the unquestioning obedience. And I get it. I want the same thing, but it's not happening with this child. And by a better way, he means a different way than you want him to do it. Could be a more challenging or interesting way. Maybe a more creative way that you've never thought about. And it won't always make sense because in your

head it's very, very clear. I ask you to do something. You do it. See, because if you just did it, then you'd be done. It doesn't always have to be so hard. It doesn't always have to be so difficult. And you're going to want to pull your hair out and probably your child's. But don't. Not yet. My warning is this. If you, your spouse, if the grandparents dig in and adopt this my way or the highway approach with this child, three things will happen and I will bet you $10,000 on this. One, you will have endless power struggles with this child. Endless. Endless. Number two, your relationship will be strained and then finally broken. Number three, your child will turn into an angry teenager and a young adult with nobody he can trust.

So dads, you've got to drop the rigid stance. It's what comes naturally to me as well. I tried it with 1,500 kids in my home with our own child. It doesn't work. It alienates them. I will tell you how to be tough with these kids. And I promise if you listen to the CD programs, right, if you get that, we've got the Calm Parenting Package. It's 60% off right now. If you need additional help, email us. We'll help you with that. I can show you exactly what to do with the strong will kids, okay? So they don't walk all over you.

But I want you to know most of the time your child is not being intentionally defiant, difficult, or lazy because he doesn't do things the way that you want. And you've got to work on these assumptions or they're going to destroy your relationship. And before I get into the things for each of the age groups, I just want you to please write this down or remember this at some point I want you to look at that child and it's more about you saying inside of I respect the fact that you're different than me I respect the fact that you do things in a different way than I do them see because once you view your child differently, you can begin to

enjoy that child. So let me give you a couple ideas, right? Let's say you got the preschooler and this comes from the No BS program. I created the No BS program because I've done this for a long time. I know these kids and I kind of did it for dads in a way because I know as a dad, my wife would be the one who read all the parenting books and she'd say, oh, this is really good. It's a raw screen. It's the explosive child. Read it. And I'd read the table of contents and I'd be like, okay, got it. And so a lot of times men, but also wives, because you're busy, you want something quick. And I put together 25 action steps. There's a cheat sheet in it. It's like the CliffsNotes. It's like the, whatever they're using now called notes. But it's, we get right to the core of it, right?

And that's also on sale right now. If you don't have that, if you want the cheat sheet, the 25 quick action steps you can do over the summer while you don't have the pressure of school, go to celebratecalm.com. You'll see a little tab. It says no BS. We've also made that like 60, 70% off so you can afford it. And it's way cheaper than therapy and is way cheaper than all the medication that you're going to need for yourself.

I'm kidding about that. But anyway, so let me go through. Little kids, here's the deal. She's going to do a little no BS kind of stuff here. If you've got a preschooler, a little kid, guess what? That little girl that came out of the womb with that fighting spirit, she's not sitting on that little square. She's not sitting in that circle. She's going to get up and start walking away. And the nice preschool teacher is going to say, honey, you need to sit

down. You need to sit down. Guess what? She's not going to listen. She's going to keep walking because she's transfixed by something in her own world. And she sees something that she wants to explore. Am I saying it's right? No, but it's actually I am in a second, but you're going to get a call home from home and you're going to get notes and you're gonna have to go in when your child's just a little kid saying, um, your daughter, your son is not listening to the teachers. Right. And they're going to get on because it's like, well, she won't follow the directions all the other kids do, but your daughter does this. She's hitting sometimes in class, probably sensory issues and frustration. And you're going to get

hit with this and your child's just like four, five, six, seven, right? And you're going to start to think like, oh, what are we doing wrong? What do we have to do with this child? Some of you are going to have kids that get kicked out of preschool because they don't follow the directions. And it's really hard for these teachers. But here's what I want you to know. There's nothing wrong with your daughter or your son. It's normal. Sitting in a circle is arbitrary.

It's against nature. You're not made when you're that age to sit in a circle and just sit perfectly still to listen to someone talk. It's against nature, right? And so I don't want you to project out into the future. Uh-oh, our daughter can't follow directions. How's she ever gonna do well in life? And now I'm embarrassed as a parent because now I'm getting judged by people and what's going to happen? How's she going to keep a job? No, the truth is she's probably bored,

but the real part is she's curious. And that little child, I want to make this clear because this is really important to me when I was writing a couple notes for this. I really want this to sink in and it's going to challenge you a little bit. Your child, your little daughter, your little son who gets up and starts walking around, may be the one child in that class who has the courage to do what all of the other four and five and six and seven-year-olds should be doing. Because at that age, you should pursue your curiosity. You're supposed to see things and want to go touch them and see how they work. And you're supposed to be caught up in your imagination, not with your head in a screen. At that age, you should be up in your head thinking

about things and in la-la land, right? Little kids, I say it endlessly, preschoolers, little kids, toddlers are not supposed to be productive or efficient. Where do we get that in our heads that like a little kid is supposed to be like a little army soldier and you should be able to walk them around? It's because some of you have friends who have compliant kids and that's what they do, right? And so you look at your child and you're like, uh-oh, something's wrong with our child. No, there isn't. There's something wrong with society. There's something wrong with the expectations. It is not disobedience for a little kid to be curious. And watch how this works. We will give that little kid consequences.

Well, we're going to take away playtime and we're going to take away her toys. And just think about it because I want to challenge you. The reason I'm tough on you is that there's no guilt, there's no blame. I want us to think differently, because if you don't think differently about your child, you won't respond differently, you won't raise them in a different way, and what will happen is you'll have endless power struggles, strained relationship, and an angry teenager at some point. So we're giving, in a sense, what we're doing is saying, I'm giving you a consequence for being curious and exploring. I'm giving you a consequence for doing what is in your nature to do and what you should be doing.

See, we praise all the other kids and it's awesome. I like easy, compliant kids. They're easy to be with. It's awesome. But why don't we ever look at those little kids and say, why are they sitting perfectly still? What is wrong with them that they're not more curious, that they don't have the courage sometimes to stand up and be different from everybody else. See, if you can step out of your own anxiety, and that's why we talk about controlling ourselves. If you can step out of your own anxiety and your own embarrassment and everything that's hitting you about, oh, this child, what's happening? And you look at your child, clearly you can say, I've got a courageous child. I've got a child.

I wish I was more like my child. Because guess what? Your one child who's standing out there, guess what? She's doing stuff that none of the other kids are. Does that make sense? I'm not talking about throwing things. And even if they throw things, it's a frustration thing. And I can help you with that.

That's not a big deal to me. Okay, we can fix that. But I'm not talking about just a child who's running all over the place and running rampant. I'm talking about a child who's just doing basic stuff of following their curiosity. But I want you to know, your strong will kids probably aren't sitting in circle time. And that's okay. Because guess what? After you're five, you never have aren't sitting in circle time. And that's okay. Because guess what? After you're five, you never have to sit still in a circle.

Nobody at your office next week is going to say, listen, Frank, Elizabeth, meet me at three o'clock in the conference room. We're going to have circle time. Like, we don't do that as adults. And I'm not raising a child. I'm raising an adult, right? I'm raising a child to be a responsible adult and to be successful. And I want them to push sometimes.

I want them to do that. By the way, just for that child in the classroom, it's not, I don't tell the teacher, well, too bad. She just found her curiosity. Just let her do whatever she wants. Not at all. But instead of thinking that she's a defiant, disobedient child who doesn't follow directions, instead what clicks in my brain, I've got a really bright one here.

This is a bright kid, and she's got a great imagination. So I'm going to use that to my advantage, and I'm going to stimulate her little brain. I'm going to give her challenges. I'm going to give her jobs to do. I'm going to focus that little brain. And instead of saying, giving her what not to do, Elizabeth, stop doing that. Elizabeth, sit down. Do not walk away. Do not do that. I'm going to give her things to do. I'm going to give her jobs that are above her pay grade because these kids love doing adult type things. So I don't care if she's four. I'm going to give her something to do that maybe an eight or nine year old would do because that will focus her brain. It will make her feel confident because she just

did something really well. Right. And I'm going to make things harder. We're just working with a parent, a child who is in first grade, I think doing single digit addition. Well, she's bored. What happens when a kid gets bored? They get up, start walking around the class. Of course, now they're going to get in trouble for it. But what if instead we said she's bored, so mom's going to bring in worksheets that have double digit and triple digit addition on it so the teacher can go and say, hey, you're really smart. You're ahead of the other kids. Bet you can't do this double digit addition while I'm teaching all the stupid kids, kidding, all the other kids how to do single digit. See, you just change how you view the child and what they're doing. And this isn't about letting them get away

with things. I don't let kids get away with things, right? It's not the focus here, right? We're so rigid and we have these boxes that we're putting these kids in and there's no way that they can be successful in there. But if you create successes for that child, then they can do it differently, right? It's cool. By the way, little kids, here's an OBS thing. Most of your little kids are not going to pick up their toys. They're just not. And you're going to rightfully say, well, if you don't learn to pick up your toys, how are you going to be responsible in life? You can't project out into the future. It doesn't work that way. They're not going to do it, but you know what's weird about these kids? And you're going to have to wrestle with this with your spouse because you're going to fight over this.

Well, he doesn't pick them up. And we have it in like our discipline program, teach you how to get your kids to pick up their toys. And we'd be tough with them and we can do tough consequences and I can give away their toys to Salvation Army or throw them away or burn them in the backyard. Fine with that. But for most of your kids, you know what's going to happen? They're not going to pick up their toys. But you know what they will do? They'll do something weird. They'll go and shovel mulch. They'll pick weeds in the backyard. They'll cook dinner for you. But they won't do simple chores. And you're going to have to weigh that as a family and say, okay, so this one doesn't do these normal chores, but he'll cook meals, pull the weeds,

and do an oil change in the car when he's seven. And then you're gonna have to say like, okay, so that's fine because he likes doing that. Some of your kids like to vacuum. They like to clean. So don't be so rigid with the chores that you give them. All we want is we want you to be responsible and contribute to the family, to the household. How you do it, I don't care. That's a key part of learning about strong willed kids is giving them ownership and not being so rigid

and saying, here's what we want. We want you to be responsible, contribute to the family. How you do it, I'll give you some flexibility. If you want to do it in a weird, creative way, and you want to pull the weeds, and you want to do an oil change, fine with me. And then you have other kids who love doing simple household chores, but they would hate pulling weeds. So create successes. As your kids get a little bit older, guess what's going to happen? They're impulsive. They've got sensory issues. They're in trouble a lot. They're in trouble at school all the time. Consequences will never

work with those kids. You're going to find this this summer on vacation. Some of them are overwhelmed, maybe a little bit socially awkward. And when they're around lots of family, they feel inherently different because they are different. And instead of getting all upset and going with consequences all the time, I don't mind consequences, except they don't work for these kids, is I give them tools to succeed. I create successes and I put them in situations where they can succeed. And on vacation, I want to take the strong will kids on one-on-one walks. Let them eat a different meal. Who cares? My dad was a tough, I almost said a word, but he was a tough guy. But when I was a kid, I didn't like food. I just ate McDonald's

plain hamburgers. So they had to stay in line while they made it special for me. And when we would go out to a Chinese restaurant for a meal, guess what? Little me would walk in with my little McDonald's bag carrying my little plain hamburger because I didn't eat Chinese food because I was a pain, right? And now I eat everything. Casey was the same way and now he eats everything. He eats literally everything. And so chill with that a little bit, right? Go for the, you know, on vacation, some of your kids get up early. So have an aunt and uncle take them out, go for a walk on the beach, the lake, wherever you're going on vacation this summer or wherever, just get them, go and do a one-on-one walk and do some one-on-one projects

for them. Put them in a, in a situations where they can succeed. And I just want to note, here's an OBS thing. Your kids are not going to try their hardest at sports. They're not going to practice. They're probably not going to practice their musical instruments. And we've been over this before on previous podcasts, how you get them to do these things. But they're not going to do it your way. They're not going to do it your way. Figure out how they're wired, right? Because when we get to middle and high school, what's going to happen is you're going to have kids who do the minimal work necessary just to get by, which is actually a really smart, bright thing to do.

It's really smart, but it irritates you because you're going to project out and think, my teenager is just doing the minimal work necessary. If he would just apply himself, he would be capable of so much more. And now you're going to project into the future and think, how's he going to do well in college? How's he going to do well in real life? How's he going to keep a job? How's he going to get married? And you're going to lecture and lecture and lecture that child until he eventually shuts down because

you know what he knows? No matter how hard I work, it will never be good enough for my parents. They know that inherently. So we come back to this word of like, I'm puzzled by my child's behavior. You're not puzzled by my child's behavior. You're not puzzled at all. The fact is you don't like the way that they do things because you think their way is the wrong way and your way is the right way. And my no BS response to you is, that's not true. That's not true.

What makes you think that your way is the only way? Just because that's the way you've always done it. And I'm with you. My nature is I'm a controlling human being, right? I have a lot of anxiety. I want things to be the same way. I want things done a certain way. I'm 54 years old.

I know how to be successful in life. And I know if you do it A, B, then C, it's the best way to do it. And if you get on your chores and you do the hardest thing first, it's better. And if you just do your chores right now, you would have the rest of the weekend to play your video games.

We've done all that stuff. It doesn't work with these kids. And when you get into the teenage years, here's what they're saying. Why would I put my effort, all this effort in doing something that I don't care about? And I promise you with your teenagers, what you're doing is you're trying, you're spending all of your energy trying to get your kids to care about the things that you care about. And they just don't care. And so you know what's going to happen? They're going to get very, very angry. They're going to shut down and they will not listen to you anymore. And this is a really hard thing, but you're going to have to find out what do they care about? You have to find out what do your kids care about? Because it's not about what you care about,

right? And you're going to have to, and this isn't a no BS program. It's 25 actions. One of my favorite, favorite things to do because it's so, so, so practical and you'll walk through it and men can do this very, very easily. It's not, it's, I made it as concise and hard hitting as possible to say, don't worry about these things. They're not a big deal. They're going to irritate you. Don't worry about it. But you should worry about these things, the right things. And three things I'll end with are these. I want you to accept your child on a deep, deep level. You've got to accept these kids as they are. I'm just emailing with a nice mom

from India. And she's like, well, I've got this child and she's out on her own now, but she's not thoughtful like we are. And so we email a little bit. Well, as it turns out, this daughter has paid for flights and luggage and some expensive stuff for her mother, but the mom misses all that. You know why? Because she's not thoughtful in the same ways as the mom is. And what I had to say is, you need to accept your daughter as she is. She's not like you. She doesn't show her thoughtfulness the same way that you do, and that's okay. And I promise what will happen, I was talking to this mom, was if you don't learn to accept your daughter on a deep level, she's going to shut down and she won't talk to you

anymore. Because why would I want to talk to someone who reminds me every time I talk to them that I'm not living up to your expectations and I'm not just like you. That's what's happening in your home with a lot of your kids and they will shut down or resist you. So you have to accept them on a deep level. You have to release them from your expectations that they should be just like you. That is a very, very powerful, in many ways it is a very spiritual thing on a deep, deep level to actually release your child from the expectation that they should be like you or do things like you. And that's why at the first part of this podcast, I use that phrase

that I want you to use. I respect the fact that you are different than me. I wish, another great phrase, I wish I was more like you. And I release you to be the person you're made to be, not the person I want you to be or I need you to be. And then the third thing is motivating your kids. You're going to have to find out and discover what they care about and what motivates them. Because I promise you, if you do that, because you've seen this before, if your kids care about something, they will work their butts off. They'll find new ways to make it work. They will push through. When they are motivated and care about something, they have every quality inside of them to be successful because they're

goal-oriented, they're driven, they're persistent, and they will get it done. But if they don't care about it, there's nothing you can do externally to motivate them. So you're going to have to find out internally what motivates them. So I would encourage you. I know this is hard stuff. I would encourage you reach out to us. Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. No BS program is on sale this week. You go to CelebrateCalm.com. You look up there, it says No BS. It'll describe the program, 25 action steps. It's awesome. It's $99. It's less than a trip to a therapist to tell you things about your kids and how to help them. It would cost you probably 25, take you 25 therapy sessions to get to all of this. And we did it in one thing for $99, which is ridiculously low because it kind of devalues the importance of it. And what we've heard since we've had this out is it is rebuilding relationships with kids.

And there's nothing more important than that in life is to have a solid trusting relationship so there's no reason uh that anybody should not have that one is foundational there is also on there the calm parenting podcast or calm parenting package under the um uh products page we've discounted that if you want both the programs you can get them both under the get everything package and that gives you actually the no No BS program for even half of the 99, which is pretty darn good. So I encourage you to look that up. If you need help, reach out. If you need help financially, reach out to us. If we can help you, if you have questions, let us know, and we will help you out. But thank you for listening. Thank you for sticking with these strong willed kids. I promise you, you will enjoy these kids. When you can accept you, you will enjoy these kids.

When you can accept them, you will enjoy them, and you will have a close, close bond with them because you have fought with them over things, but you have also learned how to reconcile and accept them. They are awesome kids, and I want you to enjoy them. Thanks. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.