Calm Parenting Podcast - Don’t Miss These Critical Moments: Defiant or Desperate Kid?

Episode Date: December 5, 2021

Our Christmas Clearance Sale Ends This Weekend: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our Christmas Clearance Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/christmas-clearance/ Want to customize a smaller bundle? Email [e-mail] or check out our most popular four programs: https://celebratecalm.com/get-the-bag/ Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY! PS: If you live in Seattle, Portland, or Vancouver, we have discounted dates available! :)  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So who knows when it started for your child? Maybe it was in preschool when your child couldn't sit still in circle time and started to get in trouble and started to feeling negativity

from other adults. Or maybe it was first grade or second grade because he was impulsive and couldn't sit still all the time and was getting in trouble and started missing recess. Or maybe it was third grade or fourth grade when the schoolwork got a little tougher and he found out that it was really hard for him to focus in class on things he wasn't interested in. And so there was pressure at school and then at home there were fights over homework. Or maybe it was a little bit later on when he discovered, hey, why don't I get invited to the sleepovers? Why don't I get invited? Why don't I play on the playground with all the other kids?

I don't know when these things start for your kids. But what I do know is that it adds up. And they begin to internalize things. And they begin to feel things. They know that when they go to their grandparents' house, that they don't feel the same kind of love and affection that maybe the good child does because your child maybe doesn't get good grades or doesn't come in the house with the social graces and come and kiss grandma because some of your kids that are maybe on the spectrum a little bit, maybe they come in and they're shy or they don't want to hug someone. And then they get lectured by everybody. And along the way, they start to feel different. Like they're swimming

upstream. Like they're not accepted. Like people are always trying to fix them and change them from the time they get up in the morning until the time they go to bed. So I'm talking to this dad and his first, I asked him to describe his son and here's his description. My son's kind of a selfish a-hole. And I said, okay, okay, I know where you stand on that. And I don't disagree that his behavior is like that. Look, if you were to tell me that your child is disrespectful and defiant and lashes out and says things that you

never would have said to your parents and who procrastinates and who makes everything very difficult. I wouldn't be surprised and I would agree with you. But what I would also tend to do is give perspective on that. See, think about this. If you have a child that we just described who doesn't always fit in, who's in trouble a lot, who feels like everybody's teaming up on him, doesn't it make sense that that kind of child would have some kind of attitude toward life, toward you, toward other people, right? take the, say, neurotypical child or compliant child who does really well in school and behaves really well, and everybody loves that child, and it's like, oh, you're such a good student, you're such a good child. It would be odd if that child walked through life with a chip on his or her shoulder and a bad attitude and was telling you, I'm not doing that. See, that would be odd, right? So it's not odd to me that you have kids who have an attitude and who struggle with things and who shut down and who refuse to do things.

Now, sometimes refusal is anxiety or usually they're overwhelmed. Sometimes it's just flat out defiance. Sometimes it's defiance, but it's not really defiance. It's, I just don't want to do it your way. I'll do it, but I'd like to try to do it a different way. But at the end of the day, let me give you an example of this. So, and forgive me for this because I didn't want to write notes out because I just want to kind of feel this and picture this and kind of roll with a story. Because I want you to see your kids in a very different way. And I don't want you to be shocked that your child has a bad attitude or is acting out or isn't motivated by school and is shut down, right? That doesn't surprise me if this is the child that we're describing, right? It makes perfect sense.

And so here's what was happening. So there's this kid, he's a 17-year-old kid, and he doesn't have a lot going for him in the sense that our neurotypical kids do. Like he's not great at school, he's not great socially, all those other things. So he gets kicked off the soccer team. Why? Because he did something impulsively, and that hurt him because he was really good at soccer. So now he's going to the gym. He goes to the gym like 9, 30, 10 o'clock at night, and the dad was like,30, 10 o'clock at night. And the dad was like, well, Kirk, what do you think about that? And I was like, perfect sense to me. Like that doesn't shock me that our kids,

look, your kids are going to do things differently than you would. And I am with you. I'm a dad. My response to that child would be, son, you know, it'd be much more effective if you went to the gym after school. That'd be a great way to work off the stress of school. You come home, the endorphins are going, you've got blood flow to the brain. Then you could attack your homework. That would make perfect logical

sense. But your kids and you and me, we don't make a lot of logical decisions. You may think you do, but you don't. So many things are driven by emotion and by things you have no idea what they are that are driving you. So anyway, so of course he's going to go at 9.30 or 10 o'clock at night. Why? Because they're different. And they don't, look, they don't, I would encourage you, let go of some of your control issues, of some of your anxiety. Well, let go of a lot of it, please. Because you're creating power struggles over things that don't need to be power struggles. Now, I would agree with you. Going to the gym at 10 o'clock on a school night, not a great idea. Why? Because you're going to get home late. You're not going to get good enough sleep. And then in the morning,

you're not going to be ready for school. You're going to be tired. You're going to be cranky. I understand all that. But the truth is, if you're staying at home, it's not like he was going to be going to bed at 10 o'clock at age 17 anyway. So I roll with that a little bit and I say, not the way I would do it. Watch, think about this. You know what we miss in this? We're like, we just want a lecture. Like, why do you go so late at night? I don't understand why you're making those decisions. Instead of just looking at the kid and saying, I think it's really cool that you're working out. It takes a lot of discipline, right? We miss that because we're too busy wanting them to do it the

way we would do it. So here's what's happening in this home. This kid's coming in at 11 o'clock at night. Now at 11 o'clock at night, here's a picture of the scene. Mom and dad are laying in bed because it's 11 o'clock at night and it's dark in their room and they're wanting to go to sleep. And all of a sudden, door opens, lights go on. Now, for me personally, huge trigger.

I hate bright lights. I don't like it. I'm very sensory like your kids. I don't like it. If my kid came in late, well, one, you don't barge into my bedroom. Two, you don't, late at night, you don't ever barge in my bedroom. You don't come in late at night. You don't barge into my bedroom. Two, you don't, late at night, you don't ever barge in my bedroom. You don't come in late at night.

You don't turn on lights. I'm going to be furious at that. He takes off his shirt and he starts flexing in front of his parents. Now, as a dad, I wouldn't have liked that. I get that, right? I would have been like, you know, what are you doing? What do you think you're doing? You know what? It's 11 o'clock at night. I don't have any idea why you have to go to the gym that late. You could have gone this afternoon and here you are barging in.

Your mother and I are trying to sleep. We work hard all day so that we can provide. I get that. But if you do that, you're going to ruin this relationship and miss an opportunity to bond with your child. Because what I want you to see is this, the outward behavior, that dad have every right to say, my child is selfish. My child is short-sighted. My child is rude walking in like that. And I'd say, you're a hundred% correct. But what are you going to do with that? Lecture him, right? Take something away. It's not going to work, right? I was thinking about today, we give consequences for things. Like think about this. I know this isn't the same, but it's kind of like a person who was struggling with an eating disorder or maybe with depression and

we're like well let's just let's just give them some consequences for that what's the consequence you're gonna give no you've got to reach down deep inside your kids look it's relationships change behavior we think that we can we think that we sit back as parents we're like watching our kids and we're like, okay, I judge and I determine that that is wrong and so here is a consequence because my goal is to change your behavior. That's not the goal. The goal is to build a relationship, to model things and through that relationship, your kids learn from you and they begin to do things a

little differently. Or you accept them as they are and you know, not the way I would do it, but good job going to the gym, right? And so you could say, this is a rude, selfish kid doing this. What is he thinking? But I want you to step back for a minute. You know what this kid is doing? If you think about it, if you really think about it in this situation, it will make you cry. You know what's happening here? Here's a kid walking into his parents' room at 11 o'clock at night, which he knows is weird and he knows it's wrong.

But he can't help himself. You know why? Because here's what he's saying. Mom, dad, I'm desperate. I just want you to notice one thing that I'm good at. Please just notice. Look at my muscles because my brother is so good at school and my sister's the captain of her high school soccer team and my older siblings already gone through college and they're so good and I don't even know if I'm going to college and I got kicked off my soccer team

and I'm not good at this and I've never been really good at childhood things. All I've got right now is this. Would you please just notice one thing instead of yelling at me? Because that's all you've ever done is notice what I'm doing wrong. You don't work out at the right time. You didn't come in at the wrong time.

They know that already. And it's a big test for you. And you're justified in being frustrated. You should be frustrated with this child. I get that. I don't want you to be frustrated at them and treat them out of frustration, but you should feel frustrated. You shouldn't just lay, like, it would be abnormal for you guys to lay there in bed and say, you know what, I really love when that kid comes in late at night and wakes us up and turns the lights on. Like, that would be weird.

But here's what I want to transition to. In that moment, I want you to see a different kid, not the rude, selfish kid. I want you to see a kid who's desperate, right? Who just wants something good to be noticed about him. And now you've got an opportunity because now, the next time that happens, you can kind of grit your teeth and under your breath, you can swear all you want. I don't care. Swear right into that pillow. But when that kid comes into your room and you say, hey, let me see.

You know what? You've been working hard. You are working hard and I'm seeing some progress there. Like that dude is pretty awesome. Why is that so hard? Why is that so hard to do? Well, I've got to teach him. He already knows he shouldn't be doing it. And that should tell you right then, right? Like what kind of kid thinks it's normal to do that? He just doesn't know any other way to get that kind of affirmation.

And it's a little bit of a test also. Like this is the only thing I've got going for me right now. What are you going to say about it? Now, I don't want you to do a big deal. Oh, honey, you have such big muscles. No, don't do big overt praise and make too big a deal out of it because that sounds condescending. But looking at your son and saying, hey, you've been working really hard at this. You're putting in the time and the effort and it's paying off, son. Now that,

that's affirming, right? That's all he's probably been looking for his entire childhood is for you just to notice what he's doing well instead of picking out all the stuff that he's not doing well because kids already know what they're not doing well and then here's a chance the next day or a couple days later to bond over the things that irritate you. And what if dad were to come a couple days later and say, Hey, you know, I've noticed you're really working hard at this. You obviously know what you're doing because you're starting to build muscle and I can see it. And so I'm getting a little older and I need to start building a little muscle mass and working off a few pounds. Would you mind one day, could you maybe, now I'm not

going to go with you at nine o'clock at night. See, it's fine to put on boundaries. Although I would encourage you maybe once in a while, go late at night with them. Go at 10 o'clock. I know, but I've got to get my sleep. It's your son. It's your daughter. It's a human relationship. You don't get many chances because if you ruin these chances and they're gone, these things don't change. This is built up for their entire lives. And you have some chances here. And I want you to take those moments because if you don't take those moments, I promise you will regret it one day. One day, you're going to be older. This kid's going to be gone.

And you're going to look back and say, what the F did I get so off? I spent his entire childhood correcting him and correcting him. And what ended up happening? Absolutely nothing. It didn't change his behavior and it ruined your relationship and now he's floundering because he never really got acceptance from his mom or his dad or both. Take the moment. So you know what? I'm going to change it here. You can have your boundary. I'm not going at 10 o'clock at night, but you know once in a while,

go at 10 o'clock at night. Just do it and bond with them. You'll probably be the only ones there. And then afterwards on the way home, stop and get something to eat, a late night snack. And why couldn't you look once or twice a week? This kid who feels like crap about himself. If I could swear on this, I would. He feels like you know what. He does. But now just picture once or twice a week, you're going out for your workout and you ask him to show you something

that is a very powerful tool in bonding with strong-willed kids. Think about a kid's life from the time they're little. A parent, preschool teacher, people at church, synagogue, wherever they are, are telling your child what to do their entire childhood. So now you flip it around and you say, why don't you teach me something? Do you know how good that feels as a kid to know I have something to teach someone else? And instead of them just lecturing me all

the time, and now you've got your son, you're bonding because now you're doing something that he's interested in and he's good at doing and you're doing it together. I don't care if you don't like it. Do it anyway. It's a human relationship and you don't get many shots at this. Right? And so I want you to bond with him. And then maybe afterwards you stop somewhere and eat somewhere late at night. I don't care if it's healthy.

You just worked out so you can go eat at Taco Bell. And you come home and you give a little fist bump. You're like, nice workout. And then you go to bed. Look, the thing is you're not going to sleep anyway. You may as well do something productive, like go spend some time with your son or daughter late at night doing something they're interested in. You can sleep later, right? But you've bonded with them and you've turned something in. Or you could say, hey, when I get home from work or at three o'clock in the afternoon, could you take me to the gym and could we start working on some things? And

you'll be surprised at what your kids do because you'll start to see them in a different sense because you're going to see like, wait, he wrote down an exercise regime for me. He actually researched it, came up with different exercises for things that I need to work on, and he's tracking it. All the stuff he doesn't do with schoolwork and work around the house, you'll see him doing in this particular area, and it will help you see your child differently, and you'll start recognizing, saying, hey, I like your plan. It's a good plan you put together. Proud of you for doing that, right? And so it gives you a way to start affirming them and noticing your kids can be successful and they are successful. They're just not usually successful in the areas you want them to be successful in. So I want to encourage you, take those moments.

If we can help you with this, reach out to us. Reach out to our son Casey. C-A-S-E-Y. CelebrateCalm.com. We have a huge Christmas sale going on right now. And we teach you how to do this stuff and to see your child in a different way. And it rebuilds relationships. It's not just about, look, we have programs on get your kids to listen the first time, stop the defiance. And all of that you need to do.

But what we really have to do is understand these kids on a deep, deep level. And I would go through those programs and start to understand your child. And once you dig into this, it'll make you uncomfortable. But when you do, you will change the entire course of your child's life and your life. Because now you will be able to bond with a kid that maybe it's always always been hard to bond with and you're justified in being in being angry and upset and frustrated you are but that's i don't want to leave you that excuse there are ways to do this so we can help you with that so if we can let us know how love you all take those moments talk to you soon