Calm Parenting Podcast - Entitled Brat? When You Should Give In.

Episode Date: January 27, 2021

Entitled Brat? When You Should Give In.I just want you to listen to this one all the way through. I’m trying to prevent you from ruining your relationship with your child the way I almost did with Casey. Yes, sometimes you should just give in. And I show you when.   Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. We are including the No B.S. Program FREE with all mentoring purchases OR you can get it here for $99: https://celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2021/2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom eventsfor schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So here's a great question. Are there times when you should just give in and allow your child to get away with something? That's a tough question, isn't it? That's what we're going to address today on the bonus episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. If you need our help, find us at CelebrateCalm.com or email our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. So we get this question a lot, and I'm going to give you the answer.

Look, I'm going to tell you right now. Yes, sometimes you have to give in and just get through the night. Now, that will make people's brains blow up because, like, well, you've got to be firm and consistent. Yeah, I want you to be tough and consistent. And I'm going to do a podcast in the next couple of weeks that's going to be titled something like being calm doesn't mean being sweet because a lot of moms and dads are like, well, I tried to be calm with him and I was really sweet. I don't like sweet. Sweet is kind of condescending. Sweet is kind of weak. I don't like that. I like being firm and in control. And I like being compassionate. I like being understanding, but I don't want to

make excuses. And I don't want to give in all the time because look, I was doing a phone consultation with a mom the other day and watch how interesting this is. She said, you know, I realized the reason I plead with my child to please step up, please do this, please do this, is so I don't have to follow up with a consequence, like a natural consequence or follow through with things. It would be so much easier if she would just do what I want her to do because then I don't have to be the bad guy and take tough action. Interesting, isn't it? And so, and that's what's behind a lot of these things. But for the purpose of this episode, I'm going to go through, this is an excerpt from something called the No BS Instruction

Manual for Strong-Willed Children. It is something that was, I've been doing this for 20 years. I've worked with almost a million families. We've worked personally, had 1,500 of these kids in our home. And I've learned some things that work. And the black and white approach just doesn't work. Well, if you just tell your child this, he's going to do it. Well, you guys have already done the right thing. You've been firm and consistent. You've done consequences. You found it doesn't work. And so there are nuances here. And I wanted to save parents from a lot of pain and unnecessary power struggles and unnecessary worry. And so if you have a strong willed child, just go through this. It is fantastic. And I love it. Love it. So anyway, so let's go ahead and go through this. I'm going to run through a few things here. It is not your job to make your child become successful or happy.

You have to resign from that job. That's an entire hour-long podcast itself. You think that every single interaction and choice will determine how your kids will turn out in life, right? Don't you do that, right? Like in the moment, you're like, oh, we better handle this right because if we don't teach him the right thing at age six or age 13, he's going to end up homeless or in jail or something else happening. It's not true. And I want to release you from that lie. Every decision will not impact the future. Now, if you are consistently horrible as a parent, right? And you let your kids do whatever they want all the time

and there's no boundaries, no consistency and you can't control yourself, you're gonna have issues. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about there are times you cannot do it right every single time. You are going to have bad days. You are going to be under a ton of stress. There are some times where you just mess up and that's part of the process because when you mess up big time, it is an opportunity to model for your kids to own it, to apologize, and then change it.

It's actually part of the process. It's what you want. Okay, now I'm not saying go and blow it and use that as an excuse for you not to control yourself. No, not at all. But when you do blow up, you go back and say, you know what guys, I need to apologize. That last interaction was not about you. That was about me and my own anxiety and I should have handled it differently and I'm going to work on myself. Now you've just modeled, you mess up, you apologize, you own it yourself

and you work on controlling yourself and changing yourself, not everybody else. That's a beautiful thing, right? But just know that every choice and decision with little kids isn't going to determine their future, right? Sometimes you just have to do what works in the moment to get through the day. I want to encourage you, do what works for your family because you're going to be judged by other people

because of the way you live your life. And if you have friends who have perfect little kids that are compliant, I would encourage you to get new friends because you will always feel less than those people. And they're probably hiding something as well. And it just gets nauseating to hear about like, well, our family is so perfect. And so we're going to send out a Christmas card and tell you about our wonderful children and everything that they did so well this year. It's nauseating and it's a lie and it's not real life because if you are struggling in your family life, good. You're supposed to. You know why? Because you're a human and that's the purpose of relationships is to cause us to grow up, not to have everything be wonderful and easy. Stick three or four people together in a house, no matter how wonderful they are, and within

minutes, if not hours and days, they will start irritating each other. And you go from like, oh, I really like that person. Well, yeah, go spend a week on vacation with that person who's so awesome. And I guarantee you, by the middle of the week, you're like, we should have stuck to like three days on this vacation because that's human nature. And you find the irritating little things and you have control issues or they have control issues. So don't look, I got off track there a little bit, but you've got to do what works for your family and not worry about what everybody else thinks because they have no idea how difficult it is. So who cares?

Do what works for your family. Surround yourself with people who get it, who support you. That's partly why you listen to this podcast, right? Because you know, like, okay, they kind of get it. Sounds like he's talking to us, but that probably means there's like a million other people who are doing and going through the same thing, and that is true.

You don't have to do family dinner time every night. It's not the only time to connect. I know where we get this because we grew up with Leave it to Beaver, and it was awesome with June and Ward and Beave and Wally. They would sit around and have a nice discussion. It was awesome. But if dinner time is stressful and always ends up with dad saying,

Jacob, you are going to sit still at the dinner table. We are going to enjoy dinner together as a family. Well, apparently not. Then do it differently. So your kids only eat mac and cheese and chicken nuggets anyway, so feed them early. Then you and your spouse, or if you're a single parent, you eat alone. Eat your dinner in peace with adult conversation while the kids play. So you can connect with the kids after dinner in a more relaxed setting

where they don't have to sit perfectly still and eat everything on their plate. And, right, just relax with that, right? It's like breakfast time. Who cares? Make an obstacle course in the backyard and in the morning, throw some food out in the backyard and let your kids, especially the strong-willed one with sensory issues, go and forge for his food. He'll be happy as a clam eating outside by himself because you're not there irritating him and everybody else will be happy because the more difficult, challenging child will be outside by himself because you're not there irritating him and everybody else will be happy because the more difficult challenging child will be outside by himself. It works. Who cares if it's weird? Who cares if your kids wear the clothes to bed they're going to wear to school the next day?

Who cares if they wear Crocs and shorts to school in Minnesota in the middle of the winter. Who cares? That's your issue. Well, the other teachers and parents are going to think that I'm a bad parent. Well, they already do anyway. They just do because your kid doesn't fit in and you're going to have to grow a little bit of a thick skin and say, I know who this child is. And I know I'm in this for the long term. And I'm not going to get thrown off by what happens right here and right there and what these people think. Because I know that one day my child is going to be wildly successful. He's just going to struggle right now. So I can relax in a little bit in that. I said, look, sleep. Sleep is tough. I can give you 15 different things to try to help your child sleep better at night.

But there were times, there were moments of time, there were little stages that Casey went through where I allowed him to come downstairs and sit in my lap while I watched a TV show. And he'd fall asleep on me. And while it wasn't ideal, it worked for that period of time. And now we look back on it fondly, right? So let your child sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor. Who cares? Do what works. Now, again, there are boundaries here and there are different homes. And there are people who do like, you know, you've had your child sleep in your bed and then

that becomes not so ideal as they get later and it causes friction before parents. And I don't judge on that one because you never know what kind of trauma some kids have been through. Is it ideal? No. Do I want those kids to eventually migrate

from being in the bed with you and you may want that to being on, well, I want them in the room. But for some kids, it's not as easy saying, well, next week we're going to start a new thing. And from now on, you're just going to have to sleep in your bed. And there are judgmental people and people who found like, well, we just took a hard line and we did that and he did it. And I'm like, I know, but there are people who've taken a hard line and said, from now on, you're going to sleep in your bed and you get up out of bed, you lose everything. We're going to take you quietly back to your room

and place you in your bed. And we're going to do that and be consistent. And they've done that. And it hasn't worked because whether it's for a period of time or whether it's trauma, or maybe it is there's something in the mom that she can't separate from the child. I don't know. But for a period of time, sometimes we have to do something that's not ideal. And maybe we put a sleeping bag on the floor of the bedroom. And I don't know why right now, but I can feel myself kind of choking up inside because you just don't know what people are going through, right? It's very easy to sit and say, well, you should just do this because that's what we did, right? Sometimes you just have to put a sleeping bag in

the floor on your bedroom so that child slowly migrates and sees, okay, I'm not in the bed, but I am in their room and that feels kind of safe. And then I live in that and I live in that success. And that's a big, big key. Live in the win sometimes. Don't be like, okay, we did that for a night. Now we move them out. You live with a win in every area and you let them get used to it and you build their confidence and you affirm and say, you know what? I'm proud of you. She did a good job last night. Now, do you need to be proud of your child because they actually didn't sleep in your bed? Look, I praise for progress, right? Because who knows where they started. And I know this comes across too soft sometimes,

sometimes. But so I spend a little time and I do a week and then I gradually move them closer and closer to the bedroom door still on the floor. And I live in that. I'm like, hey, good job. You know what we're doing next time? We're going to put a light on in the hallway and we're moving you out there. And sometimes you just have to make slow progress. And sometimes you just need to call quits and go cold turkey and say, from now on, you are in your bed because you're a big guy and we believe that you can do it. And I'm going to put music on in there and white noise. I'm going to put you in a sleeping bag and I put stuffed animals on there, right? We're going to wear you out before bed. I can do all kinds of things, but you're going to have to sometimes

experiment and just do what works and not worry about what everybody else is telling you to do or what how they're judging you okay just tell them to go I'm kidding in your mind you have to you didn't do something wrong you're not a bad mom or dad because your child is struggling it's just that you have a strong-willed child and that's it that's's it. Look, your child is not going to grow up and be a selfish sociopath unless you're one, right? If you're a selfish sociopath, then your kids are really in trouble, but you're probably not going to be listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast if that's who you are. Your kids are going to follow your lead and they will emulate you for good or bad, right? And they're going to over time. They're not going to do it according to your artificial timeline. They will end up eating healthy one day, but it may not be till they're 16 or 23 or 32, right? But the opposite

side is, look, it also means you've got to learn how to control yourself and your anxiety because they will emulate. If you grow up like always screaming and yelling, they're going to do that as well. But I want you to know they're going to be okay, right? They're going to be okay. Sometimes you just need to de-escalate the situation and get through the night. So picture this. You're exhausted. You just want to put your child to bed. It's not that hard, but he's insisting on a shower. And I get it. He should have taken a shower earlier and now it's at drop dead bedtime and he should be in bed and you don't have time. You've told him it's bedtime. He had a choice. He should have done it before. If he were responsible, he could have done it, but he played his video games or did whatever until that time. And you keep insisting and now he's getting really wound

up and you can see it in his face that he's gone too far, but you keep going. Your father told you to go to bed and you need to do what he says. The child will end up screaming back and then you react, you ratchet it up, keep it up, you know, keep it up, young man. You're going to lose your video games for another week. And this is your dilemma. You don't want to give in because you're the authority figure in the home and this little kid needs to learn to follow directions. But you've got to read the moment. And sometimes I look at that kid and think, it was a simple request. He's not asking me for soda or candy or video games. He just wants to take a shower. Why? I don't know. Should he have done it earlier? Yes. Maybe I ought to be happy because he actually

wants to take a shower because many of our kids won't take a shower. And so I want to give you permission sometimes to read the moment and know when it's just not worth it. Because in this case, you can keep insisting and being right, but the entire family will get upset and the entire night will be ruined and it really wasn't that important. Or you run the water and then you go downstairs and you have a glass of wine with your spouse or just sit with your spouse and have water, whatever you enjoy. Please don't get offended if I mentioned having a glass of wine,

okay? Because many of you would like to have a bottle of wine in that moment, right? Because you're gonna be like, ugh, right? And enjoy a few quiet moments. Your child is up in the shower. He's happy taking a shower. He's not hurting animals. He's not swearing at you right now because he already did a few minutes ago. He's not cutting himself, which he could be, right? He's not doing a lot of things that he could be doing. He's taking a shower. And you and your spouse are sitting and you're wrestling with this of like

are we giving in are we letting him get away with things it shouldn't you know we're the authority figure when is he ever going to learn and you're just gonna have to wrestle with it and you're gonna have to enjoy your few quiet moments and then you go when you put your child to bed and instead of spending the entire night yelling at a kid and telling him, you never listen. Why can't you ever do what we say? How are you ever gonna be successful in life? Stuff that I used to tell my son all the time.

Instead, you're gonna go put him in bed and you're gonna look at him and say, wow, your hair smells good for once. I'm kidding. I started to cry, so I didn't want to cry anymore, so I made a joke. Another defensive mechanism in my life, because we all have stuff we're working on, don't we? Right? And now you look at this kid, and you, ah, I don't know why he's doing it on this one.

All he wanted was a freaking shower. Right? And I get it. You're exhausted. And this is hard stuff because it's like, I'm going to do another podcast and I'll probably tell you like, no, you can't give in. Why are you giving in to the kid? What is he running your home? Why aren't you being the parent? It's hard. But sometimes you have to read the moment and look at this kid. He just wanted a shower. I don't know why. Maybe because it feels good and

it's a sensory thing. And because I do get it because I take two showers a day because it calms me and it really relaxes me. And it's a sensory thing. And I know I take, right? If my father around, why are you wasting so much hot water? Do you know how much that costs? And my reply would be not that much. You know what costs more dad? A lot of therapy and me getting hooked on drugs. So let me take the long shower because I know I use a lot of hot water, but when I'm in the shower, I think better. I get a lot of ideas when I'm in the shower. And so me taking a long hot shower is the least of your issues, dad. Right? And so you look at your child and he's laying there in bed and he's clean for once. And so you reach over and you kiss him on the head. You say a little prayer for him and you

thank God for him and all the good qualities that you usually overlook because, see, I'm thinking, you know what I'm thinking right now? I can't release this podcast. No one's here, the grown man sobbing like a little baby over something? I don't know, but you know what? I'm getting more comfortable with it as I get older. You know what I do? Usually I have Casey listen to these, and he's like, Dad, I don't know about that. You said a couple things that weren't appropriate. You did this, and now I'm at 18 minutes and 38 seconds, and I wanted to keep this under 10 minutes but you know what I'm just gonna release it as it is because there's something in here that might

help you when you're looking down at your child and part of it is I've got a 27 year old that I love more than anything and I'm so close to Casey it's the best relationship is so awesome and I nearly ruined it over you're not taking a shower cuz I'm the authority figure get your little button bed you had. You had a chance to take a shower earlier. And if you hadn't done it, instead, I should have kissed him on the forehead and said, I love the way you are. And I'm grateful that you're my child. And then I would go down and drink the bottle of wine because it's really hard right now. I'm not a drinker. So I'm just kidding. It's not going to cause your child to grow up and be an entitled brat.

I've worked with a million families with the toughest kids. And I want to share my wisdom so you don't make the same mistakes. If you're interested in the No BS Instruction Manual, just go to the website and get it. It's $99. You've already spent way more than that on therapy and things that don't work. It's got a lot of wisdom. And it's all about building the relationship. And I'll show you how to be tough and control yourself.

But if you need help, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate.com. And please share the podcast if you think it'll help people. Thanks for bearing with me. Love you all. Bye-bye.