Calm Parenting Podcast - Everyone Is Wrong About Your Kids

Episode Date: September 1, 2020

GET THE CONFIDENCE YOU NEED TO LEAD YOUR KIDS. Email [e-mail]. Tell us your family situation and we’ll put together a custom package to meet your specific needs within your budget or take advantage of one of our two specials this week: (1) JOIN OUR VIRTUAL SCHOOL BOOTCAMP. HALF OFF PRE-SALE. Kirk will mentor you through the school year and show you exactly how to get kids off screens, improve focus and help your kids be successful. Learn more at https://www.celebratecalm.com/school-bootcamp/.  (2) NEW! HUGE BACK TO SCHOOL SALE. Get 60% OFF Digital downloads are included with all orders: Listen directly on your iPhone, Android, or Tablet. You can even share the programs with family members who don't understand you or your kids. Once you purchase, you have access FOREVER, even with new devices. CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE.  ZOOM CONFERENCES We can provide high-energy, customized presentations for your PTA, Adoption/Foster Care Conference, church parenting conference, and Teacher Professional Development training. You get the same practical, insightful strategies at a fraction of the cost PLUS Kirk can answer specific questions through the Q&A Chat Room. Email [e-mail] and Casey will personally help you schedule your conference. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine, no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is OneSkin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin.

OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at oneskin.co. That's 15% off at oneskin.co with code KIRK. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them, so please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K to 12.

IXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback, and parents love knowing specific skills that need work. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now.

Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So I met another one, another kid in their 20s who you start talking to them and you kind of tell a little bit more creative, right? Pursued a little bit different path and you start talking to them and what you eventually, if you listen to them, find out is they always thought they were dumb as kids because they didn't fit in because doing schoolwork the normal way didn't suit them. And so teachers and parents were always trying to change them.

And a lot of these kids go down, you know, they kind of have a rough path. And a lot of them, because they don't fit in into the family all the time, because some of your kids, look, they make family life very difficult, and it's challenging. They pick on the siblings, and you can't go out together. And so they end up seeking other kids who feel like outcasts. And I have a heart for those kids, but it's not always the best environment because those kids, you can't separate your kids from those kids because they're the only ones that accept them as they are. And so it's a very powerful thing if your kids don't feel like you like them,

if they don't feel like they're accepted, then they will seek out other people that aren't always a great influence. And so we don't want that to happen. So how can we do this differently? That's what we're going to discuss today on the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. I hope I didn't mess up that intro because usually I do a test intro and see how the sound levels are. But then by the time I test it, I forget what I said and I kind of like how I started that. So let's roll with this. So you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, email our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. He can help you with anything. Tell him about your family, and we will collaborate as a family. We come up with ideas. We'll throw it your way. We'll

have suggestions. He can put together any of our resources that you want, and they're best for your family within your budget. And two big things to notice, we have extended the school boot camp until Labor Day, because a lot of school systems don't start until then. And so we wanted to have a special pre-sale, 50% off. You can ask me questions before that. So that's extended. So find it under boot camp on CelebrateCalm.com. And we're doing a massive back to school sale to help you get calm, to help you learn how to discipline your kids, motivate your kids, especially strong-willed ones. So look that up as well. And if you need help, talk to Casey. So here's what kind of triggered this is I just met another one of those kids, right? And so

my passion or my goal is I want to prevent this from happening, right? I want to prevent these kids from checking out and tuning out and becoming so defiant they won't listen to you anymore. And my heart kind of grieves for those kids, right? Because there's these endless voices telling our kids, you can't focus, you're lazy if you would just apply yourself, right? Why can't you just behave? Why don't you ever listen? And they start to internalize the feeling that they need to be fixed because that's how it feels to them. And so Casey, our son, is very in tune with these kids. And what he hears all the time is, I'm such a failure. Why can't I do anything right? Nobody believes in me. And it's heartbreaking when you hear that from a kid because their life as childhood is supposed to be innocent and fun and you know full of curiosity right so this story quick little

story this is um we're doing a live event by the way we're doing live events again we have live events scheduled and are still on course uh right now for texas indiana and hopefully ohio so if you're interested email us because we would love to do stuff in person. We'll wear masks and full shields. I don't care. I just love being out there with you. Or we're doing a ton of Zoom conferences. We're doing one this coming weekend in United Kingdom, Great Britain. And we're doing actually tonight in a little while, I'm going to do one for a foster and adoption care conference. And then Casey is actually doing school assemblies to teach kids how to deal with all of this

anxiety and how to control themselves and calm themselves down. So if you're interested, reach out to us. So anyway, we're at a live event. And you know, you've heard me talk about Casey. He was a very, very challenging child. And he knows about all your kids' struggles because he struggled with the same thing, but I want you to know that those struggles have created a very wise young man. So we're at this live event, and I'm on the other side of this partition between where he was and

where I was, and I could hear Casey talking to this young man that had come out to the event to meet Casey, right? Because a lot of people, kids have seen him at school assemblies. They've listened to his Straight Talk for Kids program and he wanted to meet him. And so it's really cool because every time this young kid wanted to make excuses, my son would counter it. And this is the kind of affirmation that your kids desperately need. And this was kind of how the, this is the conversation that I heard. So Casey was telling this kid, hey, you know how you struggle with focus and being bored with school? Well, actually, that's an advantage you have because the flip side of that is that you

have the unique ability to hyper focus when you jumpstart your brain and use movement, right? That's a competitive advantage that you have over kids, other kids, because you can actually hyper-focus and you can use momentum to your advantage. And if you learn how to manage, one of the things we're doing in the bootcamp is teaching parents how to jumpstart their kids' brains, right? With music and movement and very, very creative ways to get your kids to push through tough stuff. And we teach how to manage their energy, not their time. This is not about time management.

That works for people with certain brains, neurotypical brains, maybe left brain people. You manage your time. But people like us don't manage our time. We manage our energy, and we run very much on energy, and we work with a lot of momentum, and that's why I always want to get successes. I want to begin every school day with a success. I don't want to do the hardest thing first. I know that makes logical sense, but it doesn't work. It will cause your kids to shut down. Instead, I want the first two things they do every morning, whether it's academically or not, to be something they're good at doing so they can get a couple check marks so they start to feel like, I'm confident I can do this, right? And so that's, that's, I encourage you if you go through the bootcamp program, we're going to customize it

for your child. It's really, really fun. I'm having a great time with these parents because we're really brainstorming and it's very, very individualized and it's awesome. But if you jumpstart your kids' brains, they actually have many advantages and your kids need to know that there's nothing wrong with their brains. Nothing at all. In fact, you put them in the right situation and their kind of brain is advantageous against other people. So Casey went on, you know how you're not always interested in kids your own age, right? You don't always like doing things the right way. You like to do it the opposite way. And you know how you feel comfortable in the adult world? Well, that kind of independence and courage will help you do things that actually scare other people because

other people are concerned about what everybody else thinks and they want social acceptance. Well, it's not a big deal to you. So it actually gives you an advantage because when other people shut down, you won't because you'll just go for it. And what Casey was trying to explain to this kid, and I'm going to write these things down in our newsletter. So definitely sign up for the newsletter at CelebrateCalm.com or ask Casey. I'm going to have this conversation kind of in bullet form so you can even read this to your kids. You can even send it to your own kids so they can read it. Right? But what he wanted to know is there's nothing wrong with you just because you're not interested in kids your own age.

Because many of your kids have something called asynchronous development. Asynchronous, out of sync. Intellectually, they're kind of up here. They're ahead. So they have great talks with like older kids and adults. But emotionally and socially, sometimes they're a year or two behind. So they tend to get along better with little kids and animals, but they struggle with kids their own age. And we get too hyper-focused on, you need to make friends. You need to make friends. Why? Why do they have to make friends with kids their own age? Almost all of my good friends are older than I am. It's just what I prefer. There's nothing wrong with it. And I get tired of our kids feeling that there's something wrong with them just because, you know what the truth is? Most

of your kids find kids their own age just boring. They're just not interested in them. They'd rather be talking to an adult about their time in the service or whatever they've done, and they're comfortable in the adult world. So let them know there's nothing wrong with you at all. It's actually a good thing. It means you're an old soul because you're going to spend most of your life as an adult. So that's actually a good thing. So Casey went on, you know how you sometimes feel kind of dumb, right? Because your kids say that because you learn differently. What no one else knows is that you have this great brain, right? And it's always swirling with ideas and it enables you to solve problems. It enables you to think in ways that are valued in the real

world, not always school. Build amazing Lego creations without even looking at the directions. This kind of brain you have helps you outsmart other kids in video games because you're strategic, right? And it also helps you argue with your parents and win. Why? Because you have a really strategic brain and it just works differently from other people's brains, but there's nothing wrong with it. It's advantageous. It's a good thing that you're made this way, right? And if we can start giving our kids tools, right, we have to give them tools so they don't feel dumb, right? Let me give you an example from the bootcamp program, school bootcamp program. So this is just one little small thing, but it can make a difference. Many of your kids are going to struggle with writing assignments. I'm not going

to do that one, but it's something related. It's taking notes. So they're sitting in front of a Zoom class and they have to take notes. Well, when you're staring at a big blank sheet of paper, for many of your kids, it's overwhelming. I don't know where to start. So I encourage you, make a template for your kids. Because if you have things done in blocks, then they have a place to put their notes and it organizes it visually and conceptually. And your kids like context. So organize it conceptually in their brains. So you make up this template and you may want to use a colored sheet of paper. Sometimes that's helpful. And at the top, you have the class. What is the class? Say, write it down. English, history, social studies, math. And then I'd have like three key points.

And each of those points has a block, just a block, right? Number one point, number two point, number three point. And down at the bottom, maybe you have a big block letters that says assignment. So now they have a place to write their assignment. I have to read pages 53 to 56, write a one-page essay. And then you put a due date, right, down at the bottom, due date, semicolon, and then they have to fill in that date. And for many of your kids who are struggling because they've got like five different classes and five different formats from Google Classrooms

to whatever they're doing, now they can take that sheet of paper and they can pin it up to a corkboard. And now they've got five sheets of paper and they can glance at it and say, oh yeah, those are the main points. Here's my assignment and here's when it's due. It just helps a little bit, right? Give your kids tools. I'll give you two more quick ones that I like and these are tiny little ideas, but sometimes they can make a difference. This one's a little bit weird, but you know, for some of your kids that are doing purely, purely doing remote learning from home, having them put on their backpack in the morning and go outside, even if you just go for a little walk around the neighborhood,

or even if you like throw a ball to them, or you have them stand underneath the deck and you throw their food, try to throw their food into their mouths, I don't care, just get them outside. But if they put their backpack on, it's kind of like muscle memory. It tells them, oh, I'm going to school. And there's something about that tradition that kicks

in. It's kind of like if you've ever been laid off from work, sometimes it doesn't help if every morning you wake up and then you sit around in your boxer shorts or in your whatever robe and you try to look for a job. But if you get up and you get ready and you dress like you're going to work, there's something that happens. And then third thing is, and I'm having a lot of success with this with parents, one of the first things that I ask parents when they sign up for the boot camp is, tell me about your child and observe your child. Tell me little things. And so this one parent, I was like, so tell me what they do. Sensory kids, do they rock back in there when they're sitting at the kitchen table,

or are they rocking back kind of on the chair on two legs? Because that drives parents crazy, right? And they were like, yeah. So? And I was like, well, look what that tells you. They like leaning back. There's sensory pressure on their back against the chair. They have to balance now with their legs so that they don't fall over backwards and crack their heads open. They like the challenge. Sitting still on all four legs of the chair, all four legs on the floor is boring for many of your kids. It's also the right thing to do, and they should listen to you, whatever. But they're doing this, and we just dismiss it and get upset. Sit all four legs on the floor. Jacob, I don't know how many times I have to tell you.

And we miss the fact that they were just telling us a key thing about their bodies and how they learn. And I promise you, if you will use that and you quiz them while they're rocking back in their chair and you start to give them some physical pressure and have them work a little bit while they're learning and while they're watching the Zoom class, they will pay attention better. But you've got to observe, right? You've got to give them tools. So let's get back to our quick story here. Turning out to be not that quick once I jumped that in, but I want you to have some tools because I want your kids to do well this school year, right? So anyway, so Casey went on, you know how you like doing things your way?

Well, what that tells me is you are going to lead when and where other people don't have the courage to go. You're going to lead other people because you're going to touch that hot stove and you're going to learn by taking risks. And you know what really successful people often do? They take risks and learn by touching the hot stove because they have the courage to go for it. And that know what really successful people often do? They take risks and learn by touching the hot stove because they have the courage to go for it. And that's the way you're

made. And when other people give up, you're going to break down walls because you're persistent when you care about something. And Casey ended by telling him this, I know you have a big heart that feels deeply and wants to help people because your kids are like that. So while others may not see it, I do. And you have to begin to believe in yourself instead of waiting for others to validate you. So you got to dig down deep. You got to act confident until you feel it. Stop making excuses and walk with purpose. Stop allowing other people to think there's something wrong with you because they're wrong. There's nothing wrong with you because you will use that brain that never stops thinking and that big heart to serve people, meet their needs and be wildly successful. And I want you to begin saying those

things, writing those things to your kids every day. Make it specific to your child. Give more intensity to the positive qualities, right? Let them hear, right? If you get the Calm Parenting Package, the big sale we're having, you listen to his Straight Talk for Kids program because they get to hear another kid who's walked the path they're walking, share with them his struggles, but also not make excuses for them and challenge them to step up because they can be successful. And if you need help, listen to the Strong Willed Child one, the ADHD University, we explain how their brains work. Look, your kids don't need to be shamed or changed. They need to be affirmed. They need tools. They need to be encouraged. So give them this gift, the gift of finally feeling confident in who they are and how they're made, that there's nothing wrong with them at all,

and that they just need some different tools. And if you begin affirming your child for those positive qualities, you will begin to see your child differently. They will see him differently. They will see themselves differently. And you give them tools and you say, I believe you're capable of handling this tough assignment. And they'll begin to get the confidence to do that. So that's your assignment this week. I want you to have that talk with your kids and I want you to write that. If you get the newsletter, you can just cut and paste it and send it exactly like it is to them.

And I promise you with an older kid, they'll be like, huh, so you finally get me now. You'd be like, yeah, it's about time. So that's good. Hey, if we can help you reach out to us, Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. He will help you with any of our products. He will help you create a custom package. He'll help you create a Zoom conference or live conference for us to come to. And he'll just listen because he's an awesome young man. Hey, thank you for doing what you do. Thank you for listening to our podcast.

Please share with others if you find it helpful and know that we're here for you. We live to help. So we appreciate you and how much of a struggle this can be for you. And we want to be a resource for you and help out. So thank you. I love you. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.