Calm Parenting Podcast - Expert Button-Pusher Who Argues & Negotiates? 5 Scripts & Action Steps to Help.

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Starting point is 00:02:34 provokes a reaction from you or your spouse or from siblings but that almost always spirals out of control. So how do you respond to this without escalating or without letting kids get away with it? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us in our Christmas sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Look, I know you have kids that are extremely challenging.

Starting point is 00:03:04 They are experts at questioning you, arguing with you, negotiating with you. They're like little cops, judges, and attorneys all wrapped into one, and they will try to wear you down and push your buttons. And it's not right that they do that, but you do have a choice here and you have to stop reacting. So I want to share five of my favorite responses even though there are many many more because it's a busy time of year. So let's imagine that it's that dreaded late afternoon, early evening time of day, right? You're tired

Starting point is 00:03:36 and you've got all these things to do and dinner to cook and homework and bedtime and bath time, all those things. And so let's say in this case mom walks into the house after working all day at the office or at home, and she just asks her daughter, hey, I'm going to start on dinner, could you please set the table for me? Daughter responds by rolling her eyes at her mom.

Starting point is 00:03:58 Now mom's anxiety rises because she doesn't want to raise a disrespectful child, and what would her own mother say? And what am I doing wrong? Look, when Casey would do this to me as a dad, I would immediately react in a visceral way because there is no way I would have ever said that to my dad and what kind of disrespectful kid am I raising? Whoever hired this child, how dare he disrespect me? I get that. So in this case, mom responds, reacts with the classic young lady, you will not roll your eyes at me. I never did that to my mother and you will not do that to me. To which the daughter responds, whatever. And now mom's had it because she's tired, frustrated,

Starting point is 00:04:40 and so she unloads on this alien child in front of her who used to be her precious little daughter Or if you have a strong-willed child, maybe they were never that precious little daughter They came out of the womb like this, but you know mom says you know what I cook for you I clean for you I do your homework half the time for you and don't tell dad the least you could do is set the table Is that too much to ask? least you could do is set the table. Is that too much to ask? Now meanwhile, dad has just walked home into the room and he's upstairs changing clothes and dad hears the most horrifying sound in the world to a man, which is his wife

Starting point is 00:05:16 upset. Look moms, we barely know what to do with you when everything is good, but when you're upset we are clueless and it causes us a lot of anxiety. So dad marches downstairs ready to fix the situation. He comes into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says not going there. So he goes after the daughter who caused his wife to be upset. And as soon as the dad goes after the daughter, mom sometimes does a 180 and defends the daughter. She just wanted to strangle. Now watch who just controlled this entire situation? The daughter.

Starting point is 00:05:55 And whether she is 4 or 14, all she did was move a few eye muscles. That's it. Just rolling her eyes or saying one word set off a chain reaction with her mother and ultimately between both parents arguing about how to handle her. And you'll say, but that daughter was defiant and disrespectful. And I'll say she was. That's right. But that doesn't excuse us reacting and feeding into it. She was also looking for that intense emotional engagement and she got it. When Casey was younger, I'd say something like, Casey, you need to pick up your toys. And here was his response. Wow. I used to joke that he was too lazy to say whatever, so he just came up with a three-letter response.

Starting point is 00:06:49 Wow. He knew that would push my buttons because you couldn't even think wow when we were kids. And so yeah, your kids push your buttons, but the real issue is that your kids can only push your buttons because you have so many to push. If you didn't have all those buttons, they couldn't push them. So you're gonna have to do the hard work necessary to deal with your own anxiety and issues so we can stop reacting. So what can you do next time your kids try to push your buttons. And here's number one which you know is you never ever react. You must resolve within yourself that if you want

Starting point is 00:07:30 to change your child's behavior quickly you must first control your own. And that means you draw a line in the sand and refuse to react because when you react you are allowing your child to have power over you and control your actions. When you are not in control of yourself your child is in control of you and that makes kids feel very unstable and unsafe. Think about it. A child is controlling you. A child. You're on the defensive. You're not leading anymore. You are following your child. Again, no blame. No guilt. I know this makes you angry because your kids shouldn't be pushing your buttons, but this has been

Starting point is 00:08:19 happening since the beginning. This has happened since the beginning of time. And I'm not interested in excuses and all of that and blaming other people because nothing changes the simple fact that you do have a choice in this matter. You have the power to choose your response no matter what your child says or does because if you react then you have become your child's puppet. The truth is that your child pushes your buttons because it works, so don't give them that power. Here's a simple affirmation. I used to say this over and over again while I was learning how to control myself.

Starting point is 00:08:54 I refuse to give any person or situation power over my mood, my attitude, and my behavior. I refuse to give any person or situation power over my mood, attitude, and behavior. And I would encourage you be indignant about it. Instead of getting angry at your child, be indignant that you've surrendered power over yourself to a child and other people. And I'll give you one more suggestion and you'll hate it, but do it anyway, especially because you'll hate it. Smile.

Starting point is 00:09:32 Just smile next time in recognition of the pattern that's developed over time. Your child pushes and you react. react so smile realizing that this little guy or Towering teenager has owned you for years and he or she is only three or six or eight or twelve or 15 or 22 And the smile is a solemn promise to yourself That those days are over that you're the grownup, that you refuse to be drawn into power struggles. A little aside here, you've got to watch and really look at why do you get drawn into those power struggles? For some of you, there's a part of it where

Starting point is 00:10:16 you're looking for the intense stimulation. Some of it, it's something that's happening from childhood. I'm going to do a podcast on that very soon. Some of you, you're just drawn by the drama drama of it and you've got this narrative of like Oh, I just have this difficult child and she's always been difficult that's a narrative that you're clinging to that you're giving power in your life and you just keep feeding it and I Understand that but if I'm being tough with you and honest with you because I want to liberate you from this You have to let go of that narrative and change that narrative and instead of telling all your friends how challenging your child is

Starting point is 00:10:52 Start telling your friends how easy it is to manipulate your emotions, right? Because that's the truth So number two be grateful and I don't mean this in some smarmy, fake gratitude way. Oh, I'm just so grateful for my spirited child. I really do mean this. This is an opportunity for you and I to grow up, to become more emotionally whole humans and forge a closer bond with this child. I'm telling you, the child that you fight with most is the

Starting point is 00:11:26 child that you can ultimately be closest to precisely because there's been so much emotional engagement over this. So you can do this or you dismiss it, you make excuses and you double down on consequences and just ruin your relationships. Stop lamenting that your kids push your buttons and simply ask yourself, why does this bother me so much? Look, I did a video on Instagram recently and this about strong will kids and a dad replied, well, if I had a child like this, it would drive me nuts. I'm thankful for my son.

Starting point is 00:12:02 And I get that, but my response internally was, no, you're looking at it the wrong way. Having an easy, compliant child requires nothing of you emotionally. The fact that a more challenging child would drive you nuts means you need to work on those areas of your own immaturity and reactivity because the purpose of relationships is transformation. So embrace that. Your child may be doing you a favor by identifying buttons that you need to address inside yourself. Look, these buttons, these things inside of us, they sabotage our relationships with our spouse, with kids, with friends, and with ourselves. And having a strong willed child is like having a therapist with you full time and it's free.

Starting point is 00:12:54 If you really want to freak your kids out and model maturity and humility, here are some script ideas especially for older kids. Hey Casey, you're actually really good at pushing my buttons because you have a lot of insight into human nature and people. By the way, that's why your kids are so good at mocking and making fun of your relatives during the holidays. And it's why they're often very good at mocking and making fun of dad because they observe and they watch and then we get all defensive. I don't do that and your kids are like yes you do you know I know that because I'm the same way as a dad and Casey used to point

Starting point is 00:13:33 that out and humility tends to be a good trait to use them so look Casey you're actually really good at pushing buttons because you have a lot of insight into human nature and that's a great trait because one day you're going to use that to help a lot of people. I'm sorry I have continually reacted and complained about this. It's my issue. See you just own it. Hey son, daughter, when you procrastinate it just really bugs me and then I nag you because when I was a kid I would get yelled at for being late or slow, and now I take that out on you and that's not fair to you. And then here's what I want you to do. Stop bugging your child. See your actions are your best lecture and your best apology.

Starting point is 00:14:19 Don't go on and on with apologies. Just begin changing your behavior. Your kids will notice. Son, daughter, I need to apologize. I grew up thinking my job as a parent was to control your behavior and that's why I'm always on you and I imagine that must be annoying. But the truth is you are responsible for your actions and you're very capable of controlling yourself. See you don't you don't have to say that to your child but begin to internalize it that your job is not to control your kids it's to teach them how to control

Starting point is 00:14:54 themselves. Hey here's one more I need to apologize to you because inadvertently through all my lectures is lecturing is micromanaging. I have sent the message that you are not capable of being responsible for yourself, but the truth is you are and I've seen it before. So stop micromanaging your kids and reacting to them. If they're young you don't need to have any of these talks. Just stop reacting and micromanaging and controlling them. Give them ownership of their choices. Listen to our past podcasts on giving kids ownership. So instead of being angry at your kids, be thankful they're exposing your immaturity and destructive thinking because now we get to change that and that's really liberating. So it's that wonderful time of year when our diet and

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Starting point is 00:17:01 For just $25 you'll get 4 pieces of delicious Popeyes signature chicken, four tasty chicken tenders, four regular size, and everybody's favorite, four buttermilk biscuits. Hurry up though, like the holiday season Popeyes $25 festive family box deal will be over before you know it. So number three, do the opposite. Here's a little trick I learned. The next time your child pushes your buttons or does anything, do the opposite of what you normally do. Because if lecturing and yelling aren't working and result in the opposite response that you want, why not do the opposite and see what happens? So instead of reacting, I would sit down

Starting point is 00:17:45 because sitting down is extremely helpful. And I chose to respond thoughtfully. Instead of lecturing, I ask questions and become curious, which is a way of leading your child to the right answer they already know inside. Instead of trying to fix the situation, I help them work it out themselves. Be curious. Ask questions. Problem solve. Handle this like you would handle a problem at the office or in an emergency room. Instead of constantly correcting your kids and pointing out everything they've done wrong, affirm a positive choice your child has made recently. Hey Jackson, I noticed you walk away from your brother when he was trying to get on your nerves.

Starting point is 00:18:28 Fist bump shows me you're growing up. Instead of complaining that my child is obstinate and pigheaded, I acknowledge their persistence. You know what I admire about you, Jaden? When you really care about and want something, nothing gets in your way of accomplishing your goal or getting what you want. That's called persistence. And you know the number one quality necessary for success in life? Persistence. And you have it. Fist bump.

Starting point is 00:18:53 Pretty awesome. Number four. Be tough and direct. Look, if your kids are being intentionally disrespectful, I'm not doing the sweet tone and I'm not just trying to understand their emotions in that moment because sometimes they're just being disrespectful. Now sometimes there's something underneath the surface but you don't have to let them get away with it. I was always very clear with Casey, hey that kind of attitude that's never going to work with me so you may want to reconsider your tone while I go get a snack, go grab the laundry. Now here's a longer response. Casey, I know you were intentionally trying to push my buttons.

Starting point is 00:19:35 One of your amazing qualities is that you have insight into people and you know what irritates them. And one day you're going to use that quality to help a lot of people. I know it, but I want to apologize to you because the last 357 times you have done this I've reacted. I have led you to believe that you actually control my actions and reactions and have power over me. But you don't anymore. So feel free to push my buttons all you want. I just refuse to react. But here's the deal. If you use that great brain of yours in negative ways, it's

Starting point is 00:20:11 just gonna have negative consequences. It just shows me you're not mature enough to handle sleepovers with friends, getting your driver's license, and other mature responsibilities. If though, and notice your tone changes to a positive one, you're starting to lead here. If you'd like to use that great brain of yours to problem solve and talk to me like an adult, man, I'm all over that. See, I'm even matter of fact with discipline

Starting point is 00:20:37 and when I say no and when I enforce my boundaries. But then I invite the child to a more grownup response, even with little kids and toddlers, I can say, hey, I get why you throw a tantrum right now because you think it is going to change my behavior and give you what you want, but it won't. But I always listen and really respect you when you speak with me respectfully, like you did the other day. See, you can cut those down, make them shorter, use your own words, even matter of fact for the no, short and sweet, and then an invitation to do it differently. Use this as a teaching moment

Starting point is 00:21:13 to put the ball back in your child's court. Look, just something for you to think about. I'm not going to make you do anything or control your behavior, that's up to you. But your choices do affect your life and your choice is up to you. And then I just keep my promise when I enforce consequences. Number five, get to the root of the issue. Instead of framing this merely as your child being a disrespectful provoker, go one layer deeper. What is your son or daughter really looking for? Are they struggling and just taking it out on you? I guarantee you that's probably 80% of

Starting point is 00:21:54 the time. Do they just want your intense reaction or intense emotional engagement? A lot of kids who have been adopted, they're really looking for that intense emotional engagement Because even if you respond negatively in an intense way The intensity says that you cared enough about them to react that way. It's really interesting They associate intensity with connection. So that's why I want to rewire their brains by Rewiring my responses. Here's a couple examples. Hey Jennifer, when you do this what it tells me is something's bothering you or you could say hey something must have happened at school.

Starting point is 00:22:34 I'm not going to react, react, lecture or get in your face, but if you'd like to go walk the dog with me I'd love to listen and help you if you want. I love the invitation. I like walking a dog, going for a walk, going for a drive, because now it's not face to face and you don't have all that eye contact. It makes it easier for kids to open up. Hey Casey, I've noticed this pattern. When you use that tone with me, it's usually because you are frustrated, anxious, or hungry. You may continue to talk to me like that, but it just never ends well for you. But if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

Starting point is 00:23:14 See, this was a huge pivot for me. This is when I actually began teaching Casey why he was being disrespectful. So instead of, I can't believe you would talk to me like that, I'd say, hey, I know what your triggers are. When you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry. So he would understand his own triggers so that for the rest of his life, he knows that about himself. Then instead of just getting upset

Starting point is 00:23:39 or sending him to his room because you can't talk to me like that and taking it personally, I'd invite him to problem solve and we'd talk it through. And I think that's partially why he is so good at handling conflict in all of his relationships now because we just worked on it and I didn't let him get away with it. There are always consequences for talking about talking like that, but the consequences aren't even the important part. It's problem solving and teaching them.

Starting point is 00:24:08 Now look, there were times when he was just pushing my buttons, but he just really wanted my intense emotional engagement. So I would even say at times, hey, I think you're looking for intensity right now because I've been kind of distracted. Then I close my laptop and say, okay, what do you want to do together right now? And if you're busy, you can say, look, I've got 15 minutes. I will give you 15 minutes of my undivided attention or seven minutes. Do you know, look, even with your spouse, because you haven't had that time together

Starting point is 00:24:37 because you have kids and strong willed kids, if you spend six or seven minutes on give your spouse six or seven minutes of undivided attention when you were actually giving your spouse your intense emotional engagement, man that means something. That is real. So it doesn't have to be hours and hours, but it's the intensity of it. So I would give him what he was actually looking for and yearning for, that engagement while building something in the garage together, playing guitar, playing catch, whatever it was that he was into. And I want to add a number six response to this in a moment. So I hope you find this liberating on

Starting point is 00:25:19 many levels, that instead of trying to change the behavior of another human being, you're just changing yourself. It's a huge opportunity in that way and you'll also find you begin to bond with this child and a lot of the button pushing goes away when you stop giving so much energy to it. This is a gift to you to break the old generational patterns inside of you forever so your kids don't have to struggle like you and I do. It's a much more proactive way of thinking that has nothing to do with others and everything to do with you. And you can change this dynamic in your home very quickly by just thinking differently,

Starting point is 00:26:03 choosing a different response. Now, number six is coming in a minute. If you need help, reach out to Casey, take advantage of the Christmas sale. If you need help financially, let him know, we'll help you. But my number six thing is, I just added, listen to this podcast with your kids, or just let them listen alone and say,

Starting point is 00:26:20 and ask them, why do you push my buttons so much? Ask them. Listen to them. Learn from them. See what they say. It will be really interesting to hear their response. Okay, you've got your action plan this week, moms and dads. Hey, much respect to you all for working on yourselves, letting me to be tough with you. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Expert Button-Pusher Who Argues & Negotiates? 5 Scripts & Action Steps to Help.

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