Calm Parenting Podcast - Explosive Meltdowns, Anxiety, Sensory Kids Who Get Physical.

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Explosive Meltdowns, Anxiety, Sensory Kids Who Get PhysicalYou have a child who gets extremely upset, sometimes destructive or even physical with siblings. Is it anxiety, sensory issues, or some other root? How do you lead this explosive child to calm? Lots of good insight for anxiety, sensory issues, and deepening your relationship while calming your kids. Take advantage of our "Get Everything" special this week and save big.  BOOK KIRKNew Jersey, New York, and Northern Virginia. We have limited discounted dates in March & April. Want Kirk to speak at your PTA meeting, school, or church? Email [e-mail] and get 50% this week.    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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we're going to talk about meltdowns and we're going to talk about calming kids down and kids who get physical, kids who have anxiety. And I'm really excited about this because I think it's going to really help you. And I guess I'm always excited about the podcast because why do it if you're not excited about what you do? So before we get there, I want to hit on something really, really important. And it's an email I got from a dad. And when I get emails from dads, my first instinct when I get something from a man, and I'm just sharing this to be vulnerable, is I get a little thing inside of like, what if he's not happy with me? What if he's angry at me? And look,

I share this because it all goes back to my relationship or lack thereof with my own dad. And I'm not doing it as like a boo-hoo. It's just the reality that our relationships from the time we were little kids impact who we are, and you've got to work through that stuff. Look, I'm 53. I'm a pretty confident guy, pretty successful guy, but that stuff still impacts me, and I notice with guys a lot of times there is a subtle form of intimidation that I feel because that's what I felt from my dad, and I always felt like I never really pleased my dad. Why? like I never really pleased my dad. Why? Because I never really pleased my dad. And he never said that he was ever proud of me or that I ever pleased him. So you kind of carry that stuff, right? And so there's always this little thing

I get when I interact with guys of like, oh, are they going to be unhappy? And I'm very sensitive to it. But this was a good email. And I want to share it with you because we're going to learn a lot through it. This dad emailed me and he said, look, I like your stuff and I don't like your stuff. What I like is I believe in the general philosophy. And it took me a long time because I was very resistant to what you say, because in my mind, I had the same kind of father you had. We just did what we were told. And now all of a sudden, I have this kid, I'm a pretty good dad, and he doesn't do what I say. And so I've resisted your philosophy because I didn't want to change myself. And I knew that there were some deep

things that needed to change inside of me. Of course I hid from them. Of course I put it off with my wife and I'd be like, oh, you're too soft on him. We need to be tougher. He just needs to get with the whole program. And he said, I know it's all this stuff that you've told me before, because that's how you did it with your own son, Casey. Right? So, and then he said, the other problem I have is that I love your podcast, but then you always mention your products. And he said, but I realized it's two things. It's my own pride because the truth is when I go into my office every day and every week, I expect to be paid for my expertise and you deserve the same. And he said, that was a big breakthrough for me, but it wasn't really the money.

Even though he said, I'm frugal like you, which I get, I am too. He said, what it really was is, is I knew deep down that this was going to be hard work and I would have to humble myself and change the whole dynamic with my son and with my other kids. But mainly it was with his 10 year old son who's about to be 11. So this dad did something a little different. It was kind of bold, and I like it. I do recommend that you allow and encourage your kids to listen on their own, and I don't care what age they are. I don't care if they're age 3.

But let kids listen to the Strong Willed Child program because they will feel very understood, probably for the first time in their lives, and feel like someone kind of gets them and that they aren't just a bad, rebellious kid. They're just a little different. I like for them to listen to Casey's, my son's program, Straight Talk for Kids. Why? It's a kid talking to other kids about his own struggles. And he's very tough with kids, but he's very understanding, and they'll feel like they have an ally, someone, another kid, who's now 26, big tall kid, and he's kind of cool kid, who understands them. There's value in that. And I like for them to understand from the ADHD

University program how their brains work, that there's nothing wrong with their brain. It just works differently. And if they learn how to use their energy the right way and manage their energy, not their time, they can be wildly successful. This dad did something a little different. With this whole big changes sale that we're doing, you get all of those programs, CD programs, 10-11 programs, plus the No BS program. I personally love that program. I think it's one of the most powerful things you can ever do to rebuild your relationship with your child. Of course, I believe that. I came up with it. But it is, it's a very, very deep, powerful. So this dad texted his son, right,

because that's sometimes not a bad way to interact with your child in a non-defensive way and said this, son, I feel like for the first 10 years of your life, I've just been trying to change you and who you are. And I want to apologize. I want to learn how to understand you. So I came across this program. It's got 25 steps. And if you'd listen to it sometime, I'd love to get your feedback on it. Now, I don't know if I've ever had anybody do that directly with their child, but here's what happened. The kid listens to it. He doesn't go back to his dad. He goes to his mom, right? You can imagine that because that's what my son did when we started rebuilding a relationship, and the son went to his mom and said, Mom, what's happening with dad? This is

really uncomfortable. It's really odd. It doesn't sound like him. And she, of course, did a good job of mediating between the two and said, look, your dad's realizing that your relationship isn't what it's supposed to be. And I'd encourage you to talk to him. Well, getting a dad and a son sometimes to talk to each other on a deep level, it's kind of tough. It's kind of awkward, right? I get that. So son texts the dad back and says, could we start with four of these?

There are four of these steps that I think would mean a lot to me. Anyway, the upshot is this dad and son are working through this and they're humbling themselves and the dad took the lead and there's something beautiful that is happening here. There is a, and the point I want you to know is it's relationships that change behavior, right? I get people of all different stripes that we talk to and I love all kinds of different people, right? And I work with people who are like, oh, we want to do gentle parenting. I'm like, gentle parenting can be awesome, but it's not just about being gentle. It's about the relationship that you're building, right? And I get Christian parents or Jewish parents, religious parents,

Catholic parents who are like, well, we just believe if we use biblical principles, our kids will turn out right. I'm like, that's not a bad philosophy, right? But you just can't put biblical or gentle parenting or whatever you want to call it, principles into place and expect that it's just going to work beautifully somehow if the underlying relationship is somehow broken or if a parent looking at that strong-willed child doesn't really understand that child or have a connection, right? You'll hear us say in our programs, connection before compliance, right? And you're no different. If your boss who has, look, your boss is the authority figure. He has the right to walk into your office or your cubicle and demand that

you do something. He has, or she has that right to do that. You have the right to do that as a parent, but do you like it when your boss does that? Probably not. What would be helpful is if your boss walked into your cubicle or office, connected with you for 30 seconds, told you that you were doing a good job in this one area, but then said, I could really use your help, Could you help me with this project? And by the way, I've got a really tight deadline, so I'd really appreciate you dropping some of your other priorities and focusing on that. Now, are you going to love your boss when she comes and asks you to do it? Not necessarily, but you're more likely to do it because she or he first connected with you. So look, I get it, but it's not just about a

parenting philosophy or certain strategies or doing, anyway, I don't want to mention all the different programs, but it's about the relationship because you know what's happening with this father and son, the same thing that happened with my relationship with Casey. Those walls are beginning to come down. That son will begin to soften and begin to do things for his father, not because the father's the authority figure and because they came up with the right consequence, because you know that doesn't work for these strong willed kids. It's because there's an understanding, standing in a softness and a relationship and a belief and a desire to be together and to forge something, a bond that is deeper. That will change the

relationship. Does that make sense? So I know I hit that a lot, but I want it to sink in. So let's apply this in some different ways. We're going to do relationship and strategies because we're all about practical strategies. Because there are strategies that work, to be honest, whether you have the relationship or not. Certain things just kind of work, right? I get that. But overall, we want the relationship. So let's talk about kids

who get really, really upset. Some of these kids sometimes get kind of physical. So a couple steps here. One, I want to get to the root of it. And you've got to dig deep on some of these things. Some defiance, disrespect, and meltdowns are caused by anxiety. Some of your kids have an awful lot of anxiety. It could be social anxiety, performance anxiety. It could be that they struggle going to new places. So you're going to tell them like, hey, we've got to go to the new taekwondo class and they're going to freak on you and yell and scream and have a big meltdown. And there's no amount of consequences yelling or threatening that will work in that situation because your kid is not just being a defiant kid right then. He's an anxious, scared kid.

But if you can control yourself and look at that child and say, Hey, I think I know exactly what's going on. You're nervous. You're anxious because I asked you to go to a new place. New places, new experiences, kind of scary. You should be a little bit nervous. Stomach should be a little bit upset. So if it is, that makes it normal. And that means there's nothing wrong with you at all.

You're just nervous. And of course you're nervous. See, that gives confidence. Look, the other option is, I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult. Just get in the car. We need to go because I paid $135 for that class and you're going to go, right? Like when does that ever help? When I look down and say, of course, I've got wisdom to help you. You're just nervous right now. And here's the strategy

that does work about 98% of the time. If you've got an anxious child who's anxious about school or new Taekwondo class, the best thing you can do is go to the teacher, whether it's Taekwondo or a sports coach or a teacher at school and say, look, child's got a little bit of anxiety about coming to your class. So what I do know is my child loves helping other adults, loves having a specific job to do because that helps create a success and get his brain focused on what he can do instead of all the unknowns. Could you give my child a job to do because that helps create a success and get his brain focused on what he can do instead of all the unknowns. Could you give my child a job to do every time he comes to your class in the morning or every Tuesday night at Taekwondo? Whatever it is. And if that teacher says, hey, I need your help, my friend. I need you here every morning in homeroom because I have

trouble with some of this technology, but you're really good at it. And so if you could help me get my computer set up for the day so that my lesson plan is all ready, that would really help me. Or with a four-year-old girl, I need your help, Rebecca. I need you to help me move these books from this side of the classroom to that side of the classroom. And then tomorrow, you can move them all back and your child won't care because they love feeling helpful. Or the taekwondo teacher says, Jacob, psyched you're in my class. Listen, I need your help. I need you here five minutes early every week. When you come in a little bit early, you're going to help me rearrange the mats and set up the cones and get ready for class because I think you're a really good helper and I could use your help with that. You help me out

with that and most of your kids to that person be, yes, ma'am, yes, sir. So then when you wake up in the morning or you're taking your child to that new thing, what their brain is focused on is not all the scary unknowns and things they can't control. It's the fact that that person needs my help and their brain's focused. See, there's where strategy is extremely, extremely helpful. And you get to the root of the meltdown and realize that it's anxiety. Sometimes your kids who are very physical, getting upset, I don't want to offend anybody here, but the first question I sometimes ask is, tell me what the relationship is with their father. Because in some homes, if dad has an anger issue, if they've seen dad react angrily or be a little bit physical or dad throws things. Look, when I was at my worst, the height of my frustration, I would throw stuff. Now, not

anything big. I wasn't throwing things at people, but I would get upset. I remember one time I was so furious, I kicked my shoes off and they hit the ceiling. And I remember throwing things down on the floor. Am I embarrassed by that? Absolutely, I'm embarrassed. I was a grown man, but I did those things. And again, I was a pretty good dad at the time. It's not like I was some out of control ogre. Was I out of control? Sure, but it wasn't like I was some awful person, right? So, but I was modeling for my son and my family. When things go wrong, I get upset and react physically and act out. So you've got to ask those questions is, are they seeing it come from dad? Because if they are, you're going to have to address that. And dad's

going to have to change that dynamic. And I do this example sometimes at the live workshops. And by the way, if you want to book a live event, which are phenomenal, really good, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm.com. Tell them the name of your organization. We speak to everybody. Speak to schools, private, public, religious. It doesn't matter. We speak to churches. We speak to synagogues. We speak to mosques. It doesn't matter to me. Foster care, adoption care. We do training for organizations from corporations to mental health organizations. We do everything. Anyway, it's really helpful. So email Casey, tell us your city,

and we'll come and we'll meet you in person, which is really cool. So when I'm doing the live workshops, sometimes I'll do the example of a dad who comes home from work, and it can be a mom, but dad comes home from work all frustrated, and instead of throwing things, starting to yell because their leg goes all over the floor, dad says, guys, get downstairs. Listen, I had a hard day at work. Traffic was all backed up.

I'm frustrated. Will you guys do some push-ups with me? And you know what the dad in the home has just modeled? I have bad days. I get really PO'd. But instead of walking through the door and yelling and screaming and throwing things, my dad does his push-ups. You know what the kids begin to learn very quickly? Well, if my dad gets upset and it calms him down to do push-ups, maybe I could start doing that too. It's a really cool thing when you model it. Meltdowns, you've got to watch sensory stuff.

When I hear kids getting physical, it tells me there's usually some kind of sensory thing going on there that they need the physical pressure. That's why I'm a big fan of obstacle courses. I'm a big fan of doing sensory exercises with your kids, getting lots of physical exercise, letting them climb things, climb trees. If they're small enough, they can climb you. We used to play this game in our house when I had the camp kids there. I'd get down on the floor, I'd lie down, and I'd start rolling like a steamroller. This was with younger kids. They had to jump over the steamroller who was coming to steamroll them. Well, an interesting thing

happened. With the kids who were very sensory oriented, they'd actually let me catch their feet. They would then fall down and I would steamroll over them. Now, adjust your body weight so you don't crush the child, but they liked the physical pressure and it was very, very calming. So you've got to watch for these things. But let me do this example. We've got a child melting down. He's getting very, very physical. And you know one of our phrases, if you've listened to our programs, the CDs, you'll hear, motion changes emotion.

We go through that in some great detail of different ways you can use motion or movement to calm kids down. Because using words doesn't usually work. Using a really sweet tone, oh honey, I can tell you're frustrated. It's okay. That'll make it worse because what your child hears is you're not taking me seriously and I'm really upset right now, right? So that really sweet tone doesn't work. You know what else doesn't? Trying to reason with your child when they're upset doesn't work. Trying to convince them that it's really important for them to listen and to control themselves, it doesn't work when you're really upset. You have to lead them. You have to take charge. And you don't take charge by taking control of them. You take charge of yourself and you lead them. So I'm going to

kind of maybe act this out a little bit so I can give you the words and the tone. I'm going to take a really quick sip of water right now. Thank you for that. So for your patience, I mean. So let's say child's melting down and I don't care what age it is. Your tone of voice has to go even and matter of fact, right? So kind of picture this and this is what I want it to sound like. Hey, look, I need your help right now because I just remembered down in the basement, out in the garage, I could use some help. Come here, come here. I need some help. And you start leading. So I start to address the child. I sometimes can say, sometimes I'll say, hey, I can tell you're frustrated right now. Oh, I know. Look, I'm kind of frustrated too. I need your help. You don't have to say that.

Sometimes I'll acknowledge the frustration. Sometimes I don't. You're going to have to feel that out with your child. But I'm starting to go toward action. My voice is even a matter of fact, and I've got to take charge tone. Hey, look, I need some help. Do me a favor, come help me. And then you start walking and you start walking out to the garage, down to the basement, somewhere else. It can be outside. I don't care what it is. And then it gives you a couple seconds in your brain to start coming up with something like, uh-oh, what am I going to have him do? So follow this. So look, I need your help.

Look, in the garage, I need some help lifting this. And I couldn't lift it by myself. So could you grab that handle and help me move this from this spot over to here? I need this moved. Or it can be climbing under. Look, I'm working on this project. A couple of the nails, the screws fell under the bench. I can't reach them. Could you get under there? Because that would really help me out. I want to give them a goal to do. Motion, movement, some kind of job in that moment to do. Sometimes physical work is really helpful. And I'm not being funny with this.

When we had 15 strong-willed kids, most of whom got very emotional and had big meltdowns, many of them were adopted, adopted from overseas. So they had attachment issues and they got very furious, very physical. I purposely kept stuff around the house that I needed help with. Hey, listen, I got some mulch in the backyard. I need your help lifting it. You're really strong. Let's go right now. Let's go do that. I need your help. Then we'll deal with this other stuff. So I'm not dismissing what they're going through, but I'm leading them to a different place. I kept stuff in the basement that needed to be fixed.

Some of these kids are very good with their hands. So giving them a broom that was broken and they had to get some duct tape, that playing with the duct tape and pulling it apart and ripping it feels really good because I'd rather them be ripping duct tape and taping up a broom than ripping their brother and sister's clothes, right? I'd keep dirt, bags of mulch, rocks, heavy stuff out in the backyard that needed to be moved. Now, did it really need to be moved? No, but I just would say that. Or we'd put stuff in a wheelbarrow. That is very, very calming as well

because many of your kids, that physical work feels really good and saying, look, I need your help. We got to do this before it gets dark or before we go to bed. We got to get this done. I need your help. And in the course of doing those things, fixing things, climbing under things, reaching something that you can't reach, it could be doing something even in the kitchen because you can't always, with other kids, you can't always. It could be doing something even in the kitchen because you can't always, with other kids, you can't always leave them, right? Like all the other kids, like, I'm going to go outside with your brother and we're going to shovel mulch for eight minutes. Good

luck, three-year-old on your own. You can't always do that. But in the house, what can you keep? In the kitchen, there are all kinds of things that your kids can reach into that they can measure. Look, measuring something when you're really upset gives you a sense of peace and order. Hey, could you climb up on a chair and reach that for me, that measuring cup? Because I need to make this right now so that we can have dinner ready. I need your help. Keep some things that they can climb up and grab that they have to reach under. Maybe they crawl into a cabinet and reach something. Filling a water jug with water is really, really cool as well because that's heavy. If you have a couple water jugs and you're like,

look, our water's not working inside. Do me a favor. I need this right now. If you can go up to the bathtub or go outside in the faucet, I need these two water jugs filled up right now because I've got to put these in the pot. We've got to use it for cooking. Now, are you just making stuff up? Absolutely. Right? But do it anyway.

And just pour all the water in there. Let them pour the water in there. Let them get their hands in dough or flour or something. I don't want you to make a huge mess, but I'd rather have a huge physical mess of flour than have an emotional mess on my hands and then picking on their siblings, right? By the way, quickly, sometimes when they attack or go after their siblings, you've got to watch because sometimes this is a big resentment issue because you favor the good kids or the good child,

but the strong-willed child knows that they're always in trouble, and you don't or maybe dad doesn't like them as much. Well, guess what's going to happen? There's your Cain and Abel syndrome where the one child is going to go after the siblings because he doesn't feel good about himself, right? So you've got to get to the root of this. But notice what I've done in this situation. Moms, this is going to be hard for you, but I want you to really master this. And this is, I'm not saying this to push our stuff, but one of the reasons I want you listening to

all of our programs, and you can download them to your iPhone, you can listen on your iPad, you can listen on your computer, you can listen in your car, listen wherever you want, is I want you to learn to master this tone of voice. Because this says I am completely in control of myself. I'm in control of this situation. Your world is out of control right now, but mine's not. I can tell you're upset right now. I can tell you what's going on. But here's what I need help with first. Right now, what I really need your help with is for you to get these water jugs and fill them up in the basement, in the faucet, and bring them back up because that would really help me out. That's leading. And that says I'm confident. I'm not getting freaked out. I'm not talking like

this. I'm not saying if you would just do this. I'm not because once I start talking like this, and once I start pleading with the child, the child knows I'm in complete control. You're not even in control of yourself. And this is going to get ugly very, very quickly. This kind of tone of voice says, I've seen this before. I've handled it before. I've done it myself before.

I can handle you at your worst. When your world is out of control, mine is not out of control. I am the adult in the room and I can handle this situation. And what you're saying is, you're not saying this verbally, but internally what the child is picking up is my world's out of control and I don't know what to do. And I'm looking to this adult right now for some help. And when we're freaking out and yelling and being, or being too sweet and too soft and talking like this, what they're thinking is that adult right there has no idea what to do. And you know what that means? That means I'm you know what, because now nobody's in control. And I'm four or seven or 14, and I'm

looking to the adult to be the one in control, right? And I want, this just popped in my head for the dads out there who are listening. I want you to be tough. You can be very firm and tough with your kids, but when you get out of control, that's not being firm. You are now ceding control to your child. So when my child's melting down and I'm in complete control of myself, I'm taking charge and I'm actively leading that child to a calm place. I'm leading him to a different physical place sometimes and I'm leading him out of a headspace that doesn't lead to anything good. But just yelling and screaming like, well, I'm the authority figure, you need to listen to me, that's not calming at all. And that's not you being in charge. You're not in charge of anything right then because you're not even controlling yourself.

And that's why this is so important. I want your kids to respect you. I want them to respect your authority. And the reason moms and dads that you respect other authority figures is because they're in control of themselves when times get tough. That's the leader that you want to follow. You want to follow that person who, when everything is falling down around them, they keep a cool head and they lead you, and it feels safe to follow them. So I want you to do these steps. Listen to, we've got the big sale going on, CelebrateCalm.com. It's called the Big Changes Sale.

Pretty easy. Click on that thing. Take advantage of it. We've got a huge sale on that and it ends this week. And it's the lowest we've ever done on that complete package. It's ridiculously low. It is less than two trips to a therapist's office and you're going to get 25 action steps to completely change your relationship and about 30 hours worth of strategies like the ones we just talked to, with discipline, with enjoying your strong-willed child, motivating your kids, teaching them how their brains work. It helps with homework time, with school time. We get into meltdowns, how to get your kids to listen the first time. Everything is there. If you need help financially, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. If you just want the No BS program,

that's on sale too. And you'll just see it there. It's called No BS. It's pretty easy on the tab. Let us know how we can help you. But remember, relationships change behavior. Build, rebuild that relationship and you will see yourself and your kids change quicker than anything else. Hey, thank you for listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast. Thank you for investing this time. If we can help you, just let us know because we're here with you and we know how tough this challenge is. But you can do it. I know you can. Talk to you later. Bye-bye.