Calm Parenting Podcast - Feeling Powerless with Video Games? 2 Ways to Take Back Control

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

Feeling Powerless with Video Games? 2 Ways to Take Back Control You don’t have to give in or operate from fear. Kirk shares some fascinating insight into your kids’ brains (it will surprise you) that you must understand first. Then he shares very specific strategies to motivate your kids, build their confidence, and take back control of screens. See the special discount Kirk negotiated with Kinjo below. Go to https://kinjo.com/ and use CALM15 to get 15% Off Kinjo Plus. Or just use this special web page: https://kinjo.com/calm-parenting/ Our Summer Sale Begins NOW. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. The Calm Parenting Podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. Take a moment. Visit https://BetterHelp.comcom/CALM today to get 10% off your first month. Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. Head to https://acorns.com/calm or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! Today my listeners receive 20% OFF any AquaTru purifier! Just go to https://AquaTru.com and enter code “CALM “ at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you ever feel a little bit powerless and even hopeless? Like we're swimming against this tide of technology. It feels like the algorithms and the societal pressure and norms have rendered us as parents bystanders. And so summer's coming and now there's a little bit of a dread of like, uh-oh, are we going to be fighting literally all day to get our kids off of screens and get outside to do something, anything?

It's hard. And I don't want you to bury your head and just hope everything turns out okay. I don't want you to give in and just let your kids do whatever they want. But I also don't want to be reflexively rigid and fearful and needlessly choose power struggles. Because, look, we're the ultimate decision makers in our home. But I want to give you some tools this summer to build connection, to know how to approach technology. So this is the first in a series of podcasts I'm going to do on technology. And I want to give you a couple specific tools related to video games. I'm going to try to keep

focused on that. So look, welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at celebratecalm.com. And I hope what you find is we're very, very practical with these things. So a couple caveats here at the beginning. In this particular episode, I'm not going to talk about cell phones, apps on phones, TikTok, screens in general, though the same principles will apply. And so I hope you will listen, whether you have little kids or teenagers or kids in their 20s. I think you'll find this very, very helpful. I'll get to all of those other issues in time. Shortly, I'm going to do a little video on TikTok on Instagram I'm not on TikTok yet

it's a big enough deal to get me on Instagram I'm there and I'm very engaged there I'm going to do a video and I'm going to ask you in the comments section to say hey what are you really struggling with technology wise I will read all of those comments and then we'll just do a series of podcasts to help you out so I can't address every issue

and answer every question in one podcast. We do have an entire program. It's called Control Screens so they don't control your family. It's part of the package. So listen to that. But let's make some progress here with this episode. Look, you are the ultimate authority in your home.

You can ban any and all technology you want. That's a perfectly good choice. And I'd love for kids to be outside. Look, I'm looking out. We live out west. I'm looking at mountains. There are rivers and streams here. If your kids lived out here, they would have endless possibilities to be outside. I'd put them to work outside for me. But I deal in reality. And in many homes, technology and video games are part of the fabric of the home. And I know people are gonna judge you.

Oh, you let your kids play video games. We don't allow that. I'm not doing the judgment thing. You know what? I get older and I realize people have difficult circumstances and there are so many different variations within families. You do what's right for you. And so I want to help you with this.

I wanna apply the same principles to screens and video games that we apply to everything else. It's about connection and teaching and learning. And instead of allowing technology to destroy or strain your relationships, I want to use it to deepen my connection with and understanding of my child. And I want to use it to deepen my connection with and understanding of my child. And I want to use it to teach because discipline means to teach. And the best discipline is self-discipline. I want to teach kids how their brains work, why they do certain things, why these video games are so attractive to them,

and how they can use technology to their advantage. So what can we do? I want to show you a couple practical tools to do this, both with your own connection and using some cool technology that I, as an old guy, discovered. So you've heard me use this principle before, right? Instead of standing from over here yelling or barking at your kids over there to stop doing something,

to get them to care about what you care about, and then creating an us-against-them mentality, you enter into their world, you connect with them, and then you draw and lead them back out. So instead of, hey, cut that out, me against you, I enter into their world. I connect because connection changes human behavior quicker than anything else. So I'm going to share a shortened version of how this worked in our home with our son when he was playing Call of Duty back in the day. Look, I was typical dad. I got on him all the time. I don't know why you're playing video games. When we were kids, we were outside playing sports all the time. It's going to ruin your brain. It wasn't motivating. He didn't care.

It just made me sound old. And so one day I thought, hmm, maybe I should just do what I teach other parents to do, control my own anxiety, my own fears over his future, my control issues, my disdain for video games in this new world of gaming, instead of playing outside like we did as kids. And maybe I should go and connect with my son, enter into his world. So I did that. And I began walking in his room and saying, hey, Case, I'm curious. What is it that you love about Call of Duty? What do you get out of it? And I began listening. And here's what I found out. Here's what he told me. Hey, Dad, it's a challenge. I like the challenge and it requires strategy. And inside I'm starting to think, oh yeah, you're a great strategic thinker, good critical thinking skills. That's why you're so good at arguing with me. And I started piecing

some things together. By the way, patterns. Look, your kids are so good at seeing, many of them, so good at seeing patterns. That's why they're so good at Minecraft podcast, and guess what? It's not even really about screens. None of the podcasts are. You know what they are? It's about connection. It's about teaching your kids. And this just happens to be the tool that we're going to use today to do this. But this is so cool. Guess what else he told me? He said, Dad, I feel like I'm a leader when I'm playing this game. And you know, it made me sad because in so many parts of his life, he wasn't the leader. He was just the kid at school who was always in trouble, who didn't really fit in with his peers because he's an old soul like your kids. Like many of your kids, they don't get along with kids their own age that well, but they get along with older people and little kids and animals. So he's like, dad, I feel like a leader here. And he was because I'd

walk by the room and I would hear this confident kid leading. And you know, our kids are called, they're bossy too, but you put them in the right situation. And that bossiness turns into leadership skills. And as a grown man now, Casey is a phenomenal leader of other people. He also said, Dad, it's fast. It's fun. Okay, that makes sense to me that you would play. And then he said, you know what? I also love it because they recreated these World War II battlefields and they're kind of cool. And you know what? I dismissed that. I was like, sure, that's not why you play. You know why? Because I'm just a jerky parent sometimes, right? And we're so focused on our agenda, and we get so caught up in our own world and trying

to get our kids to do all these things that we want them to do in our agenda that we miss learning from them. We miss listening. And I just tell you as an aside, a few years later, it's probably six years later, he had an opportunity to go to Europe to be a chaperone for my niece, which was smart because he got to go for free. And you know what he did? After the official trip was over, he had an opportunity to extend his trip by himself

as a 19-year-old kid. Guess where he went? To Normandy to see the World War II battlefields that had so intrigued him listen to your kids don't just go in with your agenda all the time so I began talking to him more and more and I began putting it together myself what else do kids get out of video games order and structure you've heard me say these are kids with busy brains they don't have a lot of order and structure in structure inside that's why they're bossing and controlling. You can't play board games with them. All those different things. That's why they collect acorns in their

pockets for order and structure. Guess what? When your kids play video games, there's not a bomb video game and a dad video game with different rules and expectations so your kids know exactly what to expect. Video games use that even matter-of-fact tone. They don't yell. They don't berate your kids. You know, that was a bad choice. Game over. You lost. They don't do that. It's very easy. It's very clear. Here are the rules, and it just is enforced every time. And think about it. In our society where so many of our kids grow up with split time between two homes, guess what they're getting? Two sets of rules.

Even within your intact home with two parents, they're still getting, if you're not on the same page with your spouse, your kids are getting two different sets of rules and expectations. And I encourage you, you don't have to parent the same way. One of you is going to be a little softer and that could be the dad, by the way. As you listen to the podcast, I tend to go with the norm, which is dad is kind of like this, but sometimes that's you as the mom. And sometimes the mom is the more rigid, tough, disciplinary and all over them. Just apply it to your own life,

right? But I need you. I don't need you. Your kids need you to get on the same page. And what I always tell dads is, hey, what if you went into work and you had two different bosses that gave you two sets of instructions and then your job approval, your raise, your promotion was dependent on trying to please two different bosses. You'd be frustrated and angry. So you've got to dig into this. That's why I always say the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. You guys, if you listen to our programs, don't go through the kid ones first. Go through the ones for you so you and your spouse can get on the same page because that's what video games do for them. Every time I play, the rules are the same. I know

exactly what to expect. Brain stimulation, you've heard me talk about that a hundred million times. Why do your kids argue with you? Why do they procrastinate? Why do they fidget? Brain stimulation, it's fast-moving. They get to think on their feet. Your kids are really good at this. Guess what they don't get to do at regular school? Think on their feet. Problem-solve. Use their critical thinking skills. Usually school is about memorizing information using short-term memory, which your kids aren't as good at because they have better critical thinking skills and strategic thinking skills. That's why they're really good leaders and innovators and entrepreneurs. But at school, they don't get to use this. When

they're playing their video games, they're in this fast moving dynamic environment where they have to think quickly on their feet, use strategy, and make decisions. And they're really good at it. You know what else they get out of it? There's a specific mission that's accomplished in these games versus being at school and grades are kind of arbitrary, right? When I write an essay, that's not always concrete. I may not be good at that. So this gives them something, a specific mission they can accomplish. There's a sense of accomplishment and completion when they win or get to the next level. There's also the social interaction piece in the leadership. Look, I know we all want to go back to our childhood when we grew up in this neighborhood where we literally just went out all summer long. We didn't tell our

parents where we were going. 12 hours exploring, riding our bikes, going out in the neighborhood, leaving the neighborhood, driving, riding our bike on roads without helmets. We were gone and we did stuff all day long with our friends. I love that, but most of us can't go back to that. So guess where the neighborhood is now? It's online. And so rather than fight it, fight it, fight it, how can I use that to my advantage? That's where your kids get a lot of this. So here's the one, here's the big one we miss. You know what else your kids get out of video games? Competence and confidence. Most of you with strong will kids have kids who aren't good at being kids. They're not good at good. They're not good at kid behavior because they're old souls. They're impulsive. They want to do things their

own way, so they're in trouble a lot. They're not always good at school, even though they're really bright. So guess what? They don't have a lot of confidence because we as parents put all of our energy into, you know what your job as a kid is to listen to me, good behavior and good grades. And they're like, I'm 0 for 2. Why would I even try? But they get on this video game and guess what they find out? I'm really good at this. You know how you build confidence in life? It's not just by saying, you're so awesome, you're amazing. No, it's by being good at something. You're good at something, then you're confident. And so we miss this, that one of the main reasons our kids are drawn to video games

is because it's one area of their life, think about it, that they have ownership of it, that you're not good at. You don't know anything about it. Most of you don't. Some of you do, and you bond with your kids over it. But most of you, like me, you don't know anything about it. So it's their own little area where they are actually really good at something that you're not good at. Man, I could stop the podcast right now. We could kind of meditate on that for a while and think, well, how do we apply that? See, start thinking about that. So I walked away after these discussions and I began to think about this and I was like, oh, so this activity that I've just been busting on him about down playing saying you're not good at that or this is useless

Watch this is a really important point. We're always like oh, that's useless school is important But they didn't playing your video games isn't but look I'm really good at this other thing And now you're telling me that the skills I'm using and developing Playing these video games are useless? Oh, guess what? I may as well just become an anarchist or just shut down completely in life because the one thing that I'm good at, which I know is building some skills you've said is useless. Be very careful with this. That's why you have to control your own anxiety and slow your world down inside and watch your own agenda. So I started thinking, huh, this activity that my son is doing

is meeting a lot of internal needs inside of him. So that was good for me to learn. And he wasn't just some loser, unmotivated kid wasting his life away playing video games, right? Any more than back in the day when I was in the corporate world, I hated my job. And so I'd watch like endless episodes of Law and Order, like 17 episodes later, right? At midnight, I'm like, oh, right? Or sometimes, confession, we'd watch the Kardashians way back in the day. Why? Because they're a train wreck of a family. Made us feel better about our life. So I wasted time too. So does this mean then that I want to give him more time on his video games? No. But if I did want him to play less, I needed to meet those same internal needs with other activities. And look, you and I have

the right to cut the cord, rip out the games, call Verizon, cut off service to that phone they have. We do. But that's like saying, hey, you know that activity that meets these 10 different needs inside of you? Yeah, stop it. But I wanted to take a different path. So I'd go sit and I'd watch them play and I'd ask them questions. Hey, and this is important. Why did you just do that in particular? What is your strength? Why are just do that in particular? What is your strength? Why are you usually the team captain? What is your weakness? What are you trying to improve? And I listened and I connected. Did I play endless games with my son? No, it wasn't my thing and I wasn't good at it. It was just terrible. It irritated him when I tried to play.

So I began asking him those questions. Hey, and then I asked some other questions. Hey, what else would you want to do that's stimulating, that's a challenge, that gives you some ownership, a sense of accomplishment, and agency? And he replied, oh, dad, I want to learn how to fly an airplane. And I was like, of course you do, you little strong-willed jerk. I didn't say that part, I just thought it, right? Of course you do, because little strong-willed jerk. I didn't say that part. I just thought it, right? Of course you do. Because here's why I thought that. I have a fear of flying. I don't like flying. So guess what my strong-willed child chooses? Flying. It was also really expensive to do. And notice, by the way, my son, like many of your kids, chose areas to excel in to do things where we don't have

proficiency because they know they can't compete on the battlefield or on that field that you play on so well. With grades, some of you, look, some of you are high achievers in school. You have your PhDs, master's degrees, and many of your kids are like, there's no way I'm competing with that. My mom and dad are never going to be happy with me in that area. So he wanted to fly an airplane. So I was like, great, whatever. So I go. We were in Leesburg, Virginia.

I go to the little airport. I'm like, huh. I come back and I say, Case, here's what I found out. It's 50 bucks a lesson. I'll make a deal with you. I pay half if you pay the other half. And he was like, where am I going to get that kind of money? I was like, get a job.

And he's like, I'm only 12. Yeah, well, here's what I know. You play ice hockey, and we pay all that money for you to pay on a travel team, and you're not even really that good. Now, did I say it like that? No, but you can think it. But it was true. He wasn't that great as a player. So I said, you know what? Next season is coming up. What if instead of playing travel, you instead become an ice hockey referee, an official? So he ran with that. Guess what he does? He goes to the ice rink. He gets all the forms. He studies. He crushes it on his first exam. He passes the test so he can be a referee. When your kids are motivated, they can study and they can do all kinds of things. So he starts becoming an ice hockey referee. Watch how cool this is.

Important parts to this. You put your kids in situations in which they have strengths and they come alive and they succeed. Our son was not a very good hockey player. He was a fantastic ice hockey referee. Why? Because it requires quick thinking on your feet. It's a very fast sport.

It's moving very quickly. It's very intense. Our kids are good at that. Players, coaches and fans would be yelling at Casey, you stink as a ref. Was he bothered by that? No, because he's an oppositional kid. He used it as fuel. He also got to wear a uniform with stripes on it and put other children in a penalty box where he had proverbially lived his entire life. So if we find out he's amazing as an ice hockey ref, he's responsible. He gets up early in the weekends. He goes, he shows up. He's on time every time. He's accountable to another boss. He's earning a lot of money, which he ended up saving

and using as the down payment on his house 25 years later. So guess what else he starts doing? Flying an airplane. Guess what he learns when you're flying an airplane? There's a lot of brain stimulation. It's a big challenge. And there's a sense of accomplishment when you fly something and land without dying. And they had to do, his instructor taught him a thing called a forced stall, where you point the plane upward and then you stall out and you begin nose diving. And the instructor's teaching him, hey, Case, if you freak out during these times, you die. And that's what I told him his whole life. But he listened to an instructor. So watch what's happening now. He's got two different activities meeting all these same

internal needs. Guess what he stops doing so much? Well, stop playing video games so much, because we found an alternative. So here's what was cool. I did that, but I built my connection with him, and I taught him how his brain worked so that as an adult now, he knows for the rest of his life that his brain needs to be challenged and stimulated, and he needs ownership and agency. So when he chooses jobs, he knows how to do that in healthy ways instead of doing it through, say, gambling or negative ways to get brain stimulation. So that's one route you can take. And I'd encourage you, if nothing else, just go and listen to your kids and connect with them. Let's also use a technology tool.

So I've been really leaning into this, right? And thinking, what are some practical ways that parents can use this to their advantage? And look, I'm an older guy. And so my natural inclination when you get older is like, just to complain about everybody. I wish everybody was like when it was when 1983 or 1973 when I was a kid. But I don't want to be the rigid old guy. And I don't like feeling helpless and powerless against the tide. I don't like the fear-based approach. And I don't want to be the grumpy old man. So let me use a practical example. I know lots of families and within our own family, nieces and nephews, whose kids love Roblox. Roblox is kind of cool because it's a platform where kids

can actually use creativity to create their own games for fun.x is kind of cool because it's a platform where kids can actually use creativity to create their own games for fun. It's kind of cool. Some kids even learn basic programming and coding skills through Roblox. So there's some beneficial things to that. But when your kids enter into that world of Roblox, they're exposed to tens of millions of games.

And some of those can be a waste of time. Some of them can be really inappropriate. So I don't expect you to sit down for hours calling through all the games. So here's where we can use technology to our advantage as parents. So I was researching different tools and I kept running across comments in these forums. And this was rabbit hole after rabbit hole. But I started seeing a common theme and a common name, and I ran across this app called Kinjo. It's K-I-N-J-O. It's actually Japanese for neighborhood. So Kinjo is a free app that evaluates all these Roblox games based on their quality,

based on the game's potential for learning and for building new skills. And then Kinjo encourages and motivates your kids to play games that require greater skill, higher challenge, and more learning. And they throw a reward system. It's called Kinjo Coins. And so here's what I like about an app like this. It gives you back some power. You don't have to guess which games are helpful and beneficial. An app like Kinjo does that for you. And what it does is it shifts the games your kids play. So your kids begin playing games that require more cognitive challenge. I like that. So then you can sit down and ask your child, hey, why did you choose that game? What do you like about it? What's the hardest challenge? How did you overcome that challenge? I bet that feels good.

Little aside, I bet almost all of you say this about your strong willed child. Oh, when things get hard, they just shut down. They don't push through. Well, look, some of that is true of all of us. None of us attack the things in our lives that are hardest first. We put it off, right? But this is a good insight. In school, where your kids don't always feel competent, they shut down when the work gets hard. But when they're playing these video games, they will push through and they will put an enormous amount of focus, right? Your kids with ADHD who have focus issues, right? Attention deficit. Well, they don't have attention deficit when they're challenged, whether it's with video games, doing jobs for a neighbor, giving them adult jobs.

They don't have focus issues there and they will push through when they're motivated. So you can take these skills and apply them to different parts of their life. And now you can motivate them from the inside through connection, through listening, through conversation. And I'm going to give you a killer line in a few minutes at the very end of the podcast. I'm going to give you a killer thing that I want you to say to your kids that will change the trajectory of... I'll just leave it at that. It's going to be really cool. So look, now we're using technology as a learning tool.

And we're using our parenting energy. Instead of feeling helpless, instead of fighting it, having control issues and fighting all the time, now it gives us some power. So I was super intrigued. I have to admit, I have never done this before. I was super intrigued by Kinjo. So I actually reached out to them. And look, I've done this in the past. At times I've sent like an email or something and nobody ever returns my call or my email. Guess what? I got to talk to the founder of the company and I found out he's got two kids ages 11 and 13. So he's right in the midst of this himself. He's closer to my age. He's spent his life creating education software for

school. So he's highly into, he's very aligned with what we're doing. So I was like, this is really cool. So they have this, so I asked him for a favor. So they have, and I think, I don't know why they answered. I don't know. I am very fortunate, thanks to all of you, that we now have the number one parenting podcast. We've got half a million followers on Instagram. So I don't know if that's playing in it, but I know I'm in the same position as this founder of Kinjo in that I'm an older guy. I've had a lifetime of doing this, and I'm hoping in this stage of my life that I can dispense wisdom, that I can help you avoid some of the mistakes that don't know if you want to call it influence, to do some things for you. So I had this great talk with this guy, and I found out a lot of really interesting information. I was like, I really like this company. I like what they're doing. So at the end of the call, I asked them, they've got this extra feature called Kinjo Plus for parents. It allows you to see the time that your child spends in Roblox. You get to see the

friends that your child plays with. You get to see the skills that they developed and the games they played. You get that in a weekly email. So it's very empowering for you. And they have a subscription to it. So at the end of the call, I said, hey, I want to ask you a favor. Would you consider giving me a special code so I could pass it along to our listeners so they could get 10% off the subscription? And without blanking, he was like, absolutely. So a few hours later, I get an email and it's got code to give us 15% off the subscription. I was like, yes, I like that.

I feel special. That's for our people. And so the code is if you end up going to kinjo.com and you get the Kinjo Plus, put in the code CALM15. CALM15. It'll give you 15% off. And plus, they actually created a dedicated webpage for me. And I'll put that in the show notes if you're ever interested.

So anyway, I love that. And I love that this is opening up new worlds to me of, hey, digging in and finding out, how do we create this connection? How do we use this technology to our advantage? Because I don't like feeling like I'm a victim to society. So here's a really cool thing, the killer close. And I promise on the other podcasts,

we'll talk about setting limits when to allow your kids to have apps like Snapchat, how to limit phone time, right? Watch for that Instagram video and I'll take your feedback. But this week, let's enter into your child's world. Let's build that connection. Let's use these resources to teach our kids how their brains work and teach them this about themselves. And this is the killer close because your kids don't hear this enough. Say something like this to your child. Hey, I need to apologize. Sometimes I get so focused on what you're not doing and it probably feels like you can never please me. But the truth is that you have every

quality necessary for success in life inside of you right now. And you know when I see it? I've seen it when you're playing your video games. You are persistent. You're goal-oriented. You're focused. You problem-solve. You overcome challenges. You try new games. You don't give up.

You're a leader. You make good decisions. And you're continually learning new skills to get better. And one day, you're going to use all of those great traits to crush it in the real world. And I can't wait to see that. And then you walk away and you tell yourself again and again that all of that is true because you don't often see that in the regular world. You don't always see them doing that in school or with chores around the house. But I want you to observe it and recognize it and call that out and pull those skills out of your child and give them a vision of who they can

be, not just who you see out of your own anxiety. See, as parents, we create a vision of like, it's always about like, you're not doing this, you're not doing that. Why can't you do that? Comparing to siblings, comparing to other friends, And all of that anxiety literally crushes your child's spirit. No blame, no guilt. That's why I want you to just, when you go through our programs, go through the 30 Days to Calm program first. Work on yourself. When you do that, you're going to see situations more clearly. And you'll look at this kid and say, man, I don't see it in school. I don't see it with his attitude all the time. I don't see it with chores. I don't see it in these areas. But man, when my child is out in the real world, when he's doing things for other adults and when he's playing video games, I see all these

traits. And man, one day you're going to crush it in life. Let's begin here. Do that this week. If we can help you, reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com and we'll help you out. Love you all. Thanks so much. And feel free to share this with others. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.