Calm Parenting Podcast - Fighting Over Doritos: Handling Tantrums & Sibling Fights

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

Fighting Over Doritos: Handling Tantrums & Sibling Fights Two kids bring home bags of Doritos. The brother eats them, sister complains, Mom intervenes and takes away snacks, son cries and has a tantrum. A teenager demands the car keys, doesn't get them, and has a tantrum. So what is the appropriate consequence for a tantrum? Kirk's answers may surprise you and will hopefully make your job easier. Want to finally stop the power struggles AND enjoy your strong-willed child? Kirk shows you exactly how with 30+ hours of content delivered directly to your phone, iPad or laptop. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/50calm and use code 50calm for 50% off plus 15% off the next 2 months! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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but you know what I mean. When I was a kid, we ate Doritos with peanut butter on it. Gross, but amazing. And look, I'm a very healthy adult now. So don't freak out moms and dads about your kids doing these things. So here's what happens. The son eats some Doritos. Mom puts them away. And then the next day, what happens? Well, the kid comes in. He's like, mom, I want more Doritos. And mom's like, okay, eat out of your bag. Well, what do you think this little boy is going to do? He also grabs his sister's bag of Doritos. What's going to happen next? The little girl is going to be upset because her brother's eating my Doritos.

And then it's going to escalate. And then mom's going to have to step in and take away the Doritos. And now they're sobbing because I want more Doritos. Right. And so here's what the mom asked. She said, how, how could I have prevented this? Right. And how could I have handled it once the tantrum started in these situations? Right. Cause she's like, oh, my son's, he's sweet and creative, smart, affectionate. But when he gets his mind on something, he'll do whatever is in his power to get it. So I'm going to answer that on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Thank you for sharing

the podcast. If you have any questions, if you need some help, reach out to our son who was every bit like this young boy, right? If like gets his mind on something, he just wanted it. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Email and tell us about your family, ages of the kids, and we will reply personally to you with very specific strategies, advice. If you need help with any of our products, reach out to Casey because he can put together a custom package. Or if you need help financially, he will help you. It's what we do. It's very easy. Just reach out. So here's what I want to hit on. A few thoughts. And I want to liberate you as parents from having to second guess yourselves all the time, right? And worry like one of the questions was, well, what could I do to prevent it? Look, these things are going to happen.

And I want you to normalize some of this, right? Like if you have two kids or three or one child coming home with anything, let's just use the Doritos. I'm super psyched because what is better than a podcast on Doritos, right? And so the kids are coming home with Doritos. I'm super psyched because what is better than a podcast on Doritos, right? And so the kids are coming home with Doritos. It should automatically trigger in your brain, they're going to want to eat them and nothing else because that's human nature. This stuff is going to happen, right? And so I don't want you to get freaked out about it or think that, well, I must

be doing something wrong as a parent or my kids wouldn't fight over things or my son wouldn't have tantrums. What am I doing wrong? Nothing. You're not doing anything wrong. It's human nature. It's what people have done since the beginning of time. So here are two big ideas for you. One is on what to do in the situation. So you take away the Doritos and son, wait, wait, like what's he supposed to say? Oh, you know what, mom? Thank you for doing what's best for me. I know that I had already eaten enough Doritos and they're filled with all kinds of preservatives and food dye and that's not good for me. So I'm glad that you love me enough to take those away. Like what weird kid would say that, right? And I would say for most of us, if we have something we want and someone takes it away

from us, we don't like it as adults, okay? Those of you on a certain political spectrum with taxes, right? You go on rants every day about that because someone's taking something from you, right? And some of you are married to someone who literally talks about that every day of his adult life. We all do that. So here's one way. Actually, this is the way to do it. I look at my son and say, of course you're upset because why wouldn't you want that whole bag of Doritos and your sister's Doritos? Normalize it, right? And I know some of you are like, I know, but you know, kids are supposed to share. No, they're not. Not until they're at least age seven or eight. Little kids, by the way, for those of you with toddlers,

don't get freaked out when the preschool calls and emails, well, your daughter's having a hard time sharing. Your response should be, of course, because developmentally, that's what little kids do. They want to grab things and control things. And so as your kids get older, right, we get better at sharing. But in this situation, look, it's a little kid or it's a teenager, right? You've got two teenagers or three. They're going, they literally, watch, here's a teenager.

See if this isn't true. You don't really talk to them much because they disappear to their rooms and they're on their phones and their screens. And we have programs to help you minimize that, help with that. But they're in their rooms and then they come out sometime after dinner time because they probably didn't eat enough at dinner or they did and they're just growing. And so they come out and they open the fridge and they just stand there and look and see what's in the fridge. And maybe they pick something out of there. Look, if I'm a teenager and I see my brothers or sisters or parents stuff in there and it looks good to eat, I'm probably grabbing it. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying it's normal.

So, son, of course you're upset. Why wouldn't you want all the Doritos? They're awesome. But here's the deal. You can't always get you what you want, right? I used to say in some of our programs, you'll hear me. I'll say, Mick Jagger was right. You can't always get what you want, right? Can't always get what you want.

So you're disappointed. But here's what I want you to know. No matter what you do right now, you're not getting any more. You're not. You can scream. You can have a big tantrum. You can throw yourself on the floor. You can call me names, right? You can do anything you want right now, but it's not going to change my behavior. So, and let's see the tone there. The tone is, I'm not, you know what? Why can't you just be content with what you have? Why do you always have to have a tantrum? Well, my question to you parents is, why do you have to have a tantrum? You have a tantrum over your kids' tantrums, right? My kids

always complain. Well, you complain about their complaining. We all do this. There's no shaming. We all do it. Learn. Try to get some perspective and laugh a little bit at this stuff. It's not the end of the world. Your child's not a sociopath because he stole some Doritos from his sister. He's actually a smart kid because you know when you're a kid, Doritos are awesome. This is a go for it type kid. And that is the very energy you want in an entrepreneur. I see an opportunity. I see a bag there. Nobody's guarding it.

I'm going for it. And I'm going to put all those Doritos in my mouth and crunch them. And then they're going to be gone. And if I get in trouble later, what punishment are you going to give me? Send me to my room. Oh, that's awful. I got two bags of Doritos, so I don't care. Right? Like get inside their heart and their head so you can understand. But notice the tone in here.

Of course you're upset. Why would you want all the Doritos? They're awesome. But you know what? You can't always get what you want, so you're disappointed. So you're telling them truth. This is just what just happened. You want all of those Doritos, and you can't always get what you want, so you're going to be disappointed. It's a fact of life. You're not upset. You're not lecturing. You're just reading them truth. But here's what I want you to know. No matter what you do right now, you can throw yourself on the floor. You can scream like the worst decibels ever. You can plead. You can go ask your mom, your dad. You can do everything you want to manipulate, but you're not getting any more because your behavior does not change my behavior. Your mood does not determine my mood.

So, son, the real question is, what do you want to do now with your disappointment? Right? So here's the things you can do. You could do some pushups. You could run around the house. You could scream for 73 seconds as loud as you want. Whatever you want to do with your disappointment. If you want to have a little bit of alone time, if you want to play with some Legos, you want to listen to music, whatever it is, I don't care. But then we need to move along. So let me know what you want to do. Just know Doritos is done for the day.

Does that make sense? Right? Because look, here's the thing with a tantrum. Parents are always like, what's the consequence for a tantrum? Well, the consequence is they don't get what they want. The whole purpose of a tantrum is you have something that I want and you won't give it to me. And so I'm going to try to make your life as miserable as possible until you give in. And when you get reactive, you start lecturing, you start shaming them.

Start saying, I don't know why you can't be more content. When you start doing all those things, it makes them want to do it more. You know why? Because they're getting to you and you're getting more and more upset and frustrated and you're getting closer to saying, fine, just take whatever you want. Just be quiet. There's no need to react to this, right?

I'm just setting the stage for them and saying, look, that's not going to work. So if you need some help dealing with your disappointment, I'll help you out with that. But otherwise, you got to move along or you have the right if you want to be miserable and complain the rest of the night. But just don't expect me to change my decision based on that. Second larger point I really want to make is this. Stop expecting kids and your spouse and other humans to not have emotions or not express their emotions just

because it's annoying and exasperating. Kids have tantrums. You're having your own over your child's tantrums. There's nothing to fix here. It's normal and common. He wanted something, he can't have it, and he has to learn to deal with that in life. It's no different than every single person who wants the house that they can't afford. So parents, I want you to stop wearing yourself out, trying to fix everything, right? As if you just did it a certain way, your child wouldn't have tantrums or anxiety. Some of your kids are going to have anxiety. You don't have to fix it. You just have to give them tools to deal with your disappointment. See, I'm just going to give you tools. Yeah, your anxiety, perfectly normal that you've got some anxiety over going to new places. I get that. Stomach should be a little bit upset. I'm now teaching them and I'm now being a source

of wisdom that says, I'm not thrown by this. This is normal. You should want that, but it's not happening. So what do you want to do about it? So I want you to practice this this week, and this can be little kids. It can be teenagers. Your teenagers are going to demand things from you. Why would they not? That's their job, is to try to think about the job description of a teenager Everything I want my whole life is in the moment. Why do you think snapchat fits perfectly with teens? Because even when you and I were kids remember when you had your first girlfriend or boyfriend Literally everything revolved around that in this moment in this moment. How can I see them? How can I see them and you you were obsessed with it. And in your teen years, everything is right because I have to

have it right now. And they just texted. And our job is to slow it down a little bit, right? But just know that's normal and stop trying to fix it or pressure yourself to think, well, look, there are some things we can all do better, right? That's what we have in our programs. We'll teach you how to do it. But so much of this is teaching yourself how not to react so that then you can get to the real issue, which is, hey, yeah, this anxiety you have is perfectly normal. What I want to spend time with is not just trying to find how to get you in the car to get you to this place and listen to me. I want to teach you how to deal with anxiety, disappointment, frustration, because I want to teach you when your assignment is difficult, how to push through when

things get difficult instead of shutting down. I want to teach you those things assignment is difficult, how to push through when things get difficult instead of shutting down. I want to teach you those things. And so my job becomes, instead of trying to fix everything, yeah, I just want to teach you how to deal with this. So if you need help with that, reach out to us. Go through the get, it's just easier, get everything package, go right online, get it. You'll have 35 hours of practical strategies that tell you how to do this and most importantly, how to control yourself and start being a giver of wisdom and a teacher instead of a reactive lecturer, right? That escalates everything. So thank you for listening to this Doritos podcast. I enjoyed this. I hope

you did too. Hey, we'll talk to you next time, but thanks so much. Love you all. Bye-bye.