Calm Parenting Podcast - Fights Over Chores, Sibling Fairness, Tough Discipline

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Starting point is 00:00:48 Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

Starting point is 00:01:32 no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So how many of you have kids who fight you over doing chores? Or maybe your kids have selective hearing. They can't actually hear their parents asking them to do things or they delay a

Starting point is 00:02:32 lot. Even if this isn't your issue, I think you're going to find this podcast helpful because I'm going through five different approaches, some different tools in your toolbox, and to help you get into like, how do we think about this? Because then you can apply it to different situations. I'm going to do a tough approach, collaborative, a problem-solving approach, and then a couple realistic approaches, which you will hate at first, but you'll end up loving. So that's what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Thank you all for listening to that last podcast. I said, hey, this is Casey's wedding weekend. So please don't email us long emails about family situations right now. And here's what was awesome and why I love this.

Starting point is 00:03:22 And what we have here is that we're a family, you're a family. This isn't a business or a company. And it's a really beautiful thing because a couple people did email and say, hey, we really want to get your programs, need a little bit of financial help. That's easy for us. And we did that very quickly. And a couple people sent very short emails and said, hey, you know what was cool about that? I've been listening to your programs and I had some questions, but instead I decided to dig into it myself and really problem solve. And I think I figured it out myself. And I'm like, awesome. It's a great way to learn. And then a guy emailed and said, you know, that's awesome because what I decided to do is during the

Starting point is 00:04:03 two weeks you guys are away for your son's wedding, I'm going to dig in and work on controlling myself. I've had anger issues, anxiety. So he said, I'm going through the 30 Days to Calm program. I'm going through the men's program. And I'm really working on myself. And it's really helping. And I said, awesome, dude.

Starting point is 00:04:22 Look, when we get back, keep a list of your triggers. Email me your triggers, any that you need help with, and I'll help you with that. So thank you all for that. It's an awesome weekend. It's a wedding weekend. It's a rare thing, maybe, in that both families actually really enjoy time together and respect each other. So no drama. So let's dig into this.

Starting point is 00:04:44 I wanted to begin with the tough approach I like the tough approach I just don't make things personal I don't create a lot of drama I don't talk a lot so I'm going to ask you to use this with wisdom look I do this some of these things with humor I'm a little bit sarcastic but I'm relying on you as the parent, your bright people, to take a little bit of my sarcasm or the jokes and apply it. No, we're not going to withhold food from our child so he dies, okay? But here's really good language. Kids are refusing to do chores, and I say, hey, here's the deal in our home.

Starting point is 00:05:20 Every day, I ask you to do three chores. I do my three chores. I run three services in this home. A meal service, a taxi service, a laundry service, and among 18 other things you do as parents. So here's how it works. If you don't do your chores, my services begin to shut down. And they're going to be like, seriously, you're not going to take me to my soccer game? Try me. This is how it works from now on. You do your chores. I run my services. Yeah, but then if I don't go make it to soccer game, my coach is going to be upset. I let my team down. I know you will. And then you can explain to them that you missed your game because you didn't do your chores at home

Starting point is 00:06:06 See the tone. I'm not creating drama I'm not saying you know what I do everything for you after all I do for you the least I could you I can expect from You is do X or Y look that's manipulative I'm gonna hit you a little bit hard on that but that resentment thing you you do way too much for your kids. That's your issue. Your kids are never going to wake up and say, mom, listen, I talked to my brother about this. We've determined you do way too much for us. No, people are going to take advantage of you because sometimes you allow that. And I know that's a hard thing because it's sometimes stuff that happened from your childhood. Many of you were ultra responsible as kids because what did

Starting point is 00:06:43 you learn? When I'm really, really responsible, then my mom or my dad give me extra attention and they accept me as I am. And so you learn from an early age when I'm ultra responsible, people like me and give me attention and love. And maybe you have a sibling who didn't do that. So you were very wise and you were like, well, I'll just do what I'm told. But now you're an adult and you've got to break that cycle because this is manipulative. Think about this. Here's what you're saying. Because I do so much for you, you owe me. Oh, see, that's not a healthy relationship. That's the flip side of what I learned, which is my way or the highway, fear and intimidation. So that's manipulative too. If you don't do what I tell you to do, I'm going to come down hard.

Starting point is 00:07:29 So watch, this is a healthy thing to say. Look, you guys have three, you have three chores to do. I run three services. And so here's what I want you to know. When you don't do your chores, my services begin to shut down. Wait, you're not going to, you're not going to take us to... No, I'm not. Try me. Very few words, no No, I'm not. Try me.

Starting point is 00:07:45 Very few words. No drama. I'm not making it personal. You know, you guys don't do anything around here. How are you ever going to be successful in life? That's making it personal. No long lectures. No resentment.

Starting point is 00:07:57 And then here's the key, a big key to discipline. You just do what you said you were going to do without a lot of drama. And if you want to take this tough approach after listening to the podcast, by all means, do it. And when they're like, wait, you're really not taking us? I told you, and I keep my promises. See, a language you'll hear in our Discipline That Works I move it some I moved it because sometimes moms and and really sweet people have a hard time enforcing consequences so I was like I promise you I promise you that if this does not get done I will not take you to your soccer game and so when they don't do it now I'm just instead of enforcing consequence I'm keeping my promise because a promise speaks of personal integrity.

Starting point is 00:08:47 When I tell you something, I want you to be able to know, tell that I'm a person of integrity. I'll just do what I told you I was going to do. But I'm not creating a lot of drama. There's not a lot of threats. I just do that. So I like that approach. That's perfectly fair. You could do a thing on where Saturday morning, kids are all excited. They're

Starting point is 00:09:05 going to go play. They're going to get on their screens, do whatever. And you say, hey guys, listen, here's what happened. This week, you were asked to do X and Y. That did not get done. So until X and Y get done, there's no fun happening in this home on Saturday morning, right? I used to call it, I used to say, I'm declaring martial law. Now, kids don't immediately get that, but it's fun to say, look, some of this stuff, you've got to make it fun for you. Instead of like, my job is to be chief disciplinarian of the home, and I'm going to run a tight ship around here. No, I can run a tight ship, and I can be tough, but mix it up a little bit. And so I'd say, hey, martial law, nothing fun is

Starting point is 00:09:46 happening until you get those chores done. Seriously, we have to do them. That's boring. Yeah, I know. Guess what? Welcome to life. Life is boring. And I don't like half the stuff that I do in life, but I do it because I'm responsible because I love you. So look, you've got a choice here. You may complain. You complain for the next three hours. It doesn't bother me because moms, you could say, because I have my new noise canceling headphones on that I got for Mother's Day. So just do it and follow through. No drama, no long explanations. You know, when I was a kid, we did our chores without being asked. We had to be up at five o'clock in the morning to milk the cows. Nobody cares.

Starting point is 00:10:28 It just makes you sound old. Do what you said you were going to do. Hey, tough approach. There you go. Here's one. Maybe if your kids are a little bit older, you sit them down and you bring out a big piece of poster board and you say, hey guys, here's the thing. Here's the list of all the things that have to be done in our home to make our home run every week. So we're going to

Starting point is 00:10:54 give you guys some ownership. So you guys work out, take this list, write it down on this whiteboard or on this paper, a big piece of paper. You guys divvy up the chores and maybe you change the chores every week or every month or every whatever. You guys come up with a plan. Now you're giving them some ownership within their boundaries. See, ownership is instead of dictating, okay, kid number one, you do these three. Kid number two, you do these three. It's like, hey, you got nine of these. We've got three kids. You guys divvy it up. I like that approach.

Starting point is 00:11:32 And then you say, look, if you guys can't come to agreement, then I will come in as the dictator and I'll just choose. I'm good either way, but here's a choice. Number three way. This is funny, but it's also true. I guarantee you, if you do it that second way, one of your kids, the strong-willed child, the child who's a little bit more bossy, is going to say this.

Starting point is 00:11:58 He's going to pay one of his siblings to do some of his chores and then manipulate the more compliant people pleaser to do the other ones. And you're going to be like, that's not fair. You can't do that. And I would say, here's the conversation you have with a strong willed child. That's brilliant. You don't like doing chores. Chores are boring to you. So you used your brain. You like money. You're good at earning money. And so you decided to pay your one sibling money to do your chores. That's called delegation. One day you are going

Starting point is 00:12:33 to own your own business because God knows nobody's going to hire you. You're not going to last long because you don't like authority figures. I'm kidding. Keep this sarcasm aside. But you know they're probably going to own their business one day. And when you do that, you're going to have to hire people to do the things that you are not good at doing or that you don't want to do. You're teaching them a life skill at an early age. And then that child, and then here's what I know. You manipulated. Now, some people call it manipulation. I call it influence your other sibling to do the chores for you because you know that they're kind of a people pleaser. And so the real issue isn't your strong-willed child. It's going and talking to the

Starting point is 00:13:11 people pleaser and saying, hey, I just want to make sure that you're good with this deal. Now, if you're afraid to speak up, I don't want you walking through life getting controlled and manipulated by other people. So if you really just want to do this for your brother because you love carrying out tasks and you like cleaning and you actually enjoy that, go for it. But if you got manipulated, then I want you to learn how to speak up and be assertive and say, no, I'm not doing the three chores for free. What I will do is do them for X amount of money or in exchange for you doing this for me. See, that's free exchange. That's how the world works. I actually love that idea. So do without what you will. Number four, this will irritate you, but I want to save you countless power struggles.

Starting point is 00:14:05 So if you have toddlers, I guarantee this is going to happen. There's toys. Their toys are all over the floor. And as good moms and dads, you're going to be like, honey, you need to pick up your toys right now. And they're going to resist and they're not going to do it. You're going to be like, if you don't pick up those toys, I'm going to put them in a bag and take them to goodwill and give them to a child who wants them and who is going to be responsible. And I guarantee

Starting point is 00:14:32 you, some of you have a strong willed child who's like, look, I'll just put that in a bag for you right now. And I'll go actually put it in the garage. In fact, I'll even walk down to goodwill myself, even though I'm four. That's the way they're made. So here's the option I'm going to give you. Put some music on, get down on the floor, and with them, pick up their toys and put it in the bin together. And the whole time you're going to be like, but I'm picking up more toys than they are. I know you are. And here's what you're going to wrestle with. But if we do this, we're going to create an entitled child who never learns how to be responsible. And I will tell you this, look, if you do that their whole childhood and just give

Starting point is 00:15:13 them a bunch of things, yeah, you're going to create a monster, but you didn't do that. You got down and you had fun and you put on music and you did that with them. We have a child who, well, Casey is getting married this weekend. He has two jobs. He works pretty much full-time with me here, with us in this business. He also has a job, which over the summer is more than full-time, being general manager of a catering company. He's a very busy, responsible kid. And we did these things with him at times. And I'm going to show you the fifth thing that we did. But your kids, look, resist that. That's your anxiety. Again, don't do everything for them.

Starting point is 00:15:55 Don't buy them a lot of things. Require them to have an investment. I remember Casey was at the ice rink all the time. Dad, can I have a power aid? I'm like, sure, if you use your own money. But I'm not spending $3.50 for sugar and food dye. We've got free water in the car. Seriously, all the other parents buy their kids food. Yeah, I know. Because all the other parents don't love their children. They give them everything. They're creating entitled kids. But you're welcome for being the responsible one. I did say that. But watch, because your kids, strong-willed kids are going to say that. You know, my dad said that your parents are selfish and don't love you because they do everything for you. So you can be tough with them. But in this case, with little kids, toddlers picking up stuff, my experience tells me that most of these kids, you can enforce

Starting point is 00:16:36 it all you want. It's just easier sometimes. Just get down and do it with them and it's going to be okay. Some of you with a dishwasher, here's another one. You need to load the dishes in the dishwasher, unload them. Some of you are control freaks. You have a certain way you want the dishwasher done and nobody can please you. So the compassionate thing for the other people in your home and yourself is you just do it. Just handle that. That's an area you want to do. So just say, here's the rule. Bring your dishes back from the table and put them in the sink and then don't touch them. I'll take care of it. That's just honesty and knowing that's my thing. I like doing that. There's nothing wrong with that at all. So wisdom, use that. Now here's the one that I really, really like. It's a very realistic approach.

Starting point is 00:17:23 And I'll tell you how we worked it in our home. I kind of joke about this, but Casey is a kid. And I've said this before. Our kids aren't usually good as kids. They're not good at kids stuff, but they're very good at adult stuff. So think about chores. And Casey didn't like doing chores. It was a constant fight. So we stepped back and thought, what is the reason for doing chores? Well, one, we want to raise our kids to be responsible, respectful. We want them to be responsible in the adult world because I'm not really raising kids. I'm raising them to be adults. So we want a Casey to be responsible in the adult world. We're not raising him to be a kid for the next 60 years. So, and we are also, we want them to contribute to things around the house, right? That's what you really want. So you'll hear if you listen to our programs, we talk about giving kids

Starting point is 00:18:11 ownership of their choices within your boundaries. It's with Strong Will Kids, we create bigger boundaries. So with chores, we have this very, as parents, we come up with this very little kind of tiny, rigid list of things to do around the house. Your kids don't like doing those things, but they're often very good at doing adult type things. So we expanded the boundaries. Here are three things that Casey did routinely. Number one, there was an older couple down the street, and your kids tend to be great with older people. He would go down to their house because he liked spending time with them.

Starting point is 00:18:44 They loved Casey. It's like your kids. Other people love them even when you have a hard time with them. Casey would go help them with things around the house because they were old. What was he doing? He was being responsible and respectful, and he was serving other people. Those are good traits. He just didn't do those same things for us, but he did it for other

Starting point is 00:19:05 people. That's what we were training him to do. He often did things outdoors. He didn't like indoor chores, but things outdoors he would often do because he was kind of a very physical kid, shoveling mulch, digging holes. So he was a sensory kid. So we use that to our advantage. He also did things like when we lived in Nashville, we would feed homeless people on Friday nights under this bridge in downtown Nashville. So what did he do? He loved serving the homeless people. So he would make meals. He'd get extra water, put it in the car. He served people. He was doing chores and contributing. Here is the other thing that was really cool. Oh, a couple. Cooking. He learned how to cook. So guess what? Hey, one night a week, you're going to cook dinner for us. Well, is that a traditional chore?

Starting point is 00:19:56 No, but he's contributing to the home and serving, and he's actually a great cook now. And then the other thing is from the age of 12, he had a job outside the home. He got a job reffing, officiating hockey games at the local ice rink. That was fantastic. He had to be responsible, get up early, clock in, show up on time, all those things. So we expanded the boundaries. And so instead of just sticking to like, here are the three things you have to do in the home that are parental chores, we gave him a bunch of other options in which he was successful and we created a success. Well, what about the other kids? How come they can't do that? Well, many of your other kids just like doing kid chores. You raise your kids according to their nature. And so the other

Starting point is 00:20:40 kids, some of you have kids who just love checking off boxes. That's the way you are. Just give me some chores to do. I'll do it. I love checking off. It makes me feel like I accomplished something. And so you treat your kids differently. There's nothing wrong with that. And you're just explaining, hey, he likes doing things outside the home. Do you want to go and help the old couple? No, I don't want to help that old couple. They kind of smell. Well, your brother loves helping that couple. So he's doing his chores down there. You're teaching your kids how to be responsible. So there's a lot in there, but wrestle with that with yourself or as a couple, and then come up with things that work for your family. You don't have to do it the way your parents did it. You don't have to do it the way all the other people do it, especially the ones

Starting point is 00:21:20 who have neurotypical kids who love doing things, and they always say, yes, ma'am and yes, sir. Do it the way that it works for your family, your kids, your family. I empower you to do it, especially the ones who have neurotypical kids who love doing things. And they always say, yes, ma'am. And yes, sir. Do it the way that it works for your family, your kids, your family. I empower you to do it and just tell all those other people to have a great day. Anyway. Hey, thank you. Go through the programs. Listen, you'll learn all these different approaches. And then when we get back from all the wedding stuff, we'll answer your questions. But thank you. If you need help with getting the programs or financially, whatever, email us. But thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Thanks for subscribing. We really appreciate you. We'll see you on Instagram. We're pretty active there. And hey, we love you. Enjoy your kids. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Fights Over Chores, Sibling Fairness, Tough Discipline

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