Calm Parenting Podcast - Frazzled Child In A Bad Mood? How to Help.

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

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schoolwork is. And every good mom and dad out there wants to correct her and to fix her mood, right? And your initial reaction is, I can fix this. And you want to tell her to do X, Y, and Z. Let's get this taken care of. And you want to lecture her about having, she should have planned this out better, where there's no need for her to be upset. Most of these things backfire. So I don't want you to do it. So I want to show you a different way to work this based on a real-life example

from a real-life mom. And that's what we're going to talk about today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, talk to, email our strong-willed son, Casey, because he wasn't always awesome in the morning. And his email is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com. If you need some help, tell us about your family, ages of the kids. What are you struggling with? We get together.

We talk about it. We reply back to you personally and usually very quickly. So here's the situation. We're in Fort Benning, Georgia, and we're training drill sergeants and their wives and families, right? So this is training guys whose job is to yell at new recruits to then come home because they're living on base three and a half minutes later and not yell at their kids. So one of the first, besides learning how, put more energy into controlling yourself than controlling your children, and you will see enormous changes, right? Because the guy who walks into the home and starts, you know, his leg goes on the floor and things aren't just right in the home,

and he starts getting worked up. Well, guess what happens? That just carries through for the whole family and you cause chaos in your family. Moms, dads, it doesn't matter who it is. That's just the way that it works. So work on yourself. So this mom had come out to, we had done a workshop the night before and then we did a morning one. And so one of the things she heard us say is when you step back, it gives your kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. Let me say it this way. When you step back from trying to be responsible for your kids' moods and behavior, when you step back from lecturing, when you step back from trying to fix everything, when you step

back, it gives your kids space to learn how to be responsible for themselves. Because watch how this works. When we're lecturing, when we're jumping in all the time, what we're in essence saying is, you're not really capable of doing this by yourself. You need me here in order to make sure that you do it the right way, usually my way because I have control issues, and to make sure you get it done in a timely fashion because we overscheduled you, right? See how that works and watch. I want you to watch something else. And no blame, no guilt. I just want you to own this. Moms especially, you don't need any more guilt. Dads, maybe you do need a little bit in order to get you moving a little bit. But most moms feel like they're never doing enough. And I don't want you feeling like that. I actually want you doing less. But

be aware of sometimes you can get addicted to being needed, right? That's like, well, that's my place. I need to be needed. It makes me feel important and special. Well, I want you to do that just in the appropriate areas and ways, right? But not with everything. So this mom comes out to the next morning workshop. She said, I put into practice what you said last night. So here's what happened. My daughter comes downstairs, just frazzled in a bad mood, demanding things because she doesn't, everything's out of order. She doesn't know what to eat and what to wear. And so she said, typically, I would have jumped in and said exactly what you said. Young lady, you need to watch your attitude. If you

think that you're going to come downstairs and start demanding things after all I've done for you, she said, that was my go-to for years. And it never worked. It always escalated things. But instead, I stepped back. And sometimes in live events, I'll demonstrate these things that I literally do take a step backwards. Why? Because sometimes when you do something physically, it changes how you speak. It changes your tone of voice, your posture. When Casey was getting to be nine or 10, and I was just beginning to learn this and change myself, there were times where I was so frustrated with him that I would step toward him. Now that's kind of interpreted by other people who are on the receiving side as an aggressive move,

and they would tend to get defensive. So I began instead to take one step back. It was kind of a physical visual reminder for me. Yeah, I'm stepping back and I'm giving him some space. If you don't give a strong-willed child some space and you get power struggles, that's all on you. No blame, no guilt, but that is entirely on you. Because if you have listened to our podcast, or especially the Enjoying Your Strong Willed Child program that we have, you will hear us talk about space all the time. It is absolutely critical to give kids space. And if you choose not to, then you are choosing the power struggle. And I don't blame

your kids for rejecting what you want and resisting you. Because look, they don't have the maturity to say, hey mom, dad, I know exactly what you want me to do. I just need a little bit of space so I can figure this out by myself without you looking over me. I got it. If they could say that, it would be much better. But instead, we don't see them acting on it either in the moment or after 15 times of asking. And so we jump into things and then they push back and resist. So this mom said, I physically stepped back and I said, Hey, honey, I've got to go to the basement for something,

but I believe you're capable of handling this yourself. And then the mom said she walked away and drank. I'm kidding. She didn't go and drink. You're just going to feel like it sometimes because this is really hard. You're breaking generational patterns of I've got to fix everything. I've got to control people's moods. I'm just going to say this 15 times. You do not need to correct your children all the time. You'd that, right? They're

not going to end up, look, you're listening to a parenting podcast by nature. You're a pretty good parent. All the bad parents don't listen to parenting podcasts, right? So, so by nature, you're a conscientious parent because you're trying to learn more. So you don't have to worry about like, oh my gosh, we have to correct our child for everything. Otherwise, you're going to be a sociopath. No, they'll more likely be a sociopath or have anxiety disorders if you don't chill a little bit and relax. Most of us had parents who weren't even that involved, right? Our parents, we were outside all the time. They barely knew what we were doing. A lot of our parents drank all the time. We turned out to be pretty responsible

people, right? Got all kinds of dysfunction in certain areas, but that's being human, right? So I want you to chill from that and stop trying to fix everyone's moods. You don't like it when someone tries to fix your mood. So stop trying to fix their's moods. You don't like it when someone tries to fix your mood, so stop trying to fix their mood. My question for you would be, why does their bad mood irritate you so much? See, instead of trying to fix their mood, instead begin to ask, why does that bother me so much? Why do I feel compelled? That's a good word, isn't it? Compelled to fix that. Why can't I not step back?

What is it inside of me that feels compelled to always be correcting and fixing all these other things rather than myself? Work on that. I could end this story right there, and that would be enough. But I know some of you like order and structure like I do, and you'd be like, no, you need to finish the rest of the story because some of you have kids like that. That's why they want to argue with you. That's why they're little attorneys.

Cops and judges all rolled into one. That's why they have a high sense of justice, right? They need closure on things. Got to get closure. So here's the rest of the story. So mom walks away. Daughter stomps upstairs. Well, Kirk, I thought you said if you step back,

they would behave better. I didn't say that. I said they would step up and be responsible. I just can't guarantee the way that they're going to do it. And I don't promise that it's going to be in the moment immediately because I don't believe in that. It takes time to process. So the daughter's stomping up the stairs and now mom can hear her daughter up in the bedroom slamming her dresser drawers. And if you're a good parent, you would want to march upstairs as a young lady. You will

not slam your dress or drawers you don't have to respect me but you are going to respect your furniture right that that was what a good parent would want to do but i don't want you to do that and this mom didn't do that because she knew what her daughter was doing she's look her daughter wasn't throwing things out the window right with? Perspective here. She stomped up the stairs. She slammed in the dresser drawers, looking for the clothes, dealing with all of her frustration. About seven minutes later, her daughter walks downstairs as if nothing had happened,

because that's the way your kids do it, and says, Mom, I'm ready for school today. I'm ready. And her mom's like, wait, you just didn't notice this whole scene? And here's the beautiful thing that happened. Her daughter had figured it out. She found her homework. She got herself breakfast, and she got herself dressed, and she did that. Was it pretty at first? Not at all. I don't need it to be pretty and neither do you or neither should you. She got it done. And here's what her daughter's starting to learn. I can fix things and I can solve my own problems without someone hovering over me telling me how to do it and

lecturing on why I should have a better attitude and why I shouldn't be able to do. Right. Does that make sense? It is a beautiful thing because now her mom gets to give her a little fist bump and say, I knew you could do that. Right. That's it. Nothing more than that. I knew you could do that. Or shows me you're growing up. Fist bump. Right. And this whole scene had everything to do with the mom controlling, or dad, mom or dad controlling themselves in this situation, stepping back, and giving the child a little space to own their moods and own their behavior, right? This is not, again, perspective. This is not a child hurting a sibling, throwing things out a window, hurting themselves. We've covered that in different podcasts. I'm talking about a child who's out of sorts one morning, right?

Or who doesn't have the best mood. And instead of reacting to it, by the way, you react to it and make it worse. You've done that 83 times. Why not try something different? I know, but I like to feel like I'm in control. Sure, it's nice to feel like that, but you just make it worse. And in the end, you're not really in control anyway. So for the next week, here's your homework.

Let's, when your kids do something, start to look inside. Don't beat yourself up. Look, I don't beat myself up. I'm just brutally honest. Okay, I'm immature in that area. I just reacted to that in a way that isn't becoming of me, that isn't healthy. And that means I'm immature in that area, or I have some kind of something, some dysfunction, something that needs to be worked on. So I own it. I don't beat myself up all day like, oh, I'm so awful. I just say, yes,

I have very real flaw in that area. So let me think what's the opposite I could do next time so I can begin working on that because I don't want to hurt the people around me that I love and I want to be healthy. So look inside. Instead of trying to fix your child's moods and behavior right away, look at yourself so that you can change. Because the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control yourself. Look, that mom literally didn't do anything. She walked away and went downstairs. That's all. That's a lot easier than 15 minutes of following your daughter or son around, telling them what to do and how to do it and why they should do it and how their attitude should be. That's miserable for everyone. It takes longer and it also doesn't work. So let's try that this week. Step back so your kids can step up. If you need help, definitely

listen to the Enjoy Your Strong Will Child program first. Get the Calm Parenting Package. Get everything. If you need help, just email us. If you ever need help financially, just email Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. We help everybody. This isn't business. It's our family mission. We just want these situations to change so that, look, it doesn't affect my life. You want to keep on doing it the wrong way and escalating. Go for it. It doesn't affect my life because I am certainly not going to live with you. So because parents are always like, would you come to our house or would you take our child in?

I'd be like, I will take your kid in any day. The person I'm not taking into my home is you, right? Because we're the ones that don't, please don't, take it however you want. But it's not meant to be offensive. It's just that in working with all those kids over the years, I realized I'm all right with the kids because I know how to deal with that. It's that we have so much power ourselves. So the parents are always like, I'm always like, yeah, I'll take the kids because I know how to deal with that. It's that we have so much power ourselves. So the parents are always like, I'm always like, yeah, I'll take the kids, but I'm not coming and living with you, right? Because you would drive me crazy because you probably lecture me about what I wear because I'll wear the same sweatshirt 14 straight days like your child does as well.

And I'll be picky with certain foods. So I would irritate you if I came to your home. And we'd irritate each other because that's what human beings do. Control yourself. If you need help, reach out to us. It's what we're here for. So love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.