Calm Parenting Podcast - Get Kids Off Screens: The Real Secret

Episode Date: March 27, 2018

Is technology pitting you against your kids with endless power struggles over video games, TV, cell phones and social media? Do you feel pressure to give your toddler an iPad already? Would you child play Minecraft all day if allowed? Are you afraid your child’s imagination, creativity, and social skills are being stunted by reliance on technology? Are your teens pulling away, afraid they will miss out if they are not online 24/7? What do you do when your kids are required to use a tablet for homework, but get distracted? Listen to this podcast to learn how to get your kids off screens without a battle. It’s insight that can change your family. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Hey everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and I want to talk today about screens. And that's everything from video games to iPads to smartphones, anything to do with a screen because it's a huge deal with your kids and it's one of the number one questions we get all the time. And I want to address this in maybe like four or five different ways because it's on the mind of everybody and I think there are very positive solutions you can take to break this cycle of

your kids with their heads in the screen all the time. It's not always easy, but it's not as hard as we think either. And it does take a little bit of parental courage. So, you know, we just spent the past weekend with this camp. We do these camps with these kids and we had 10 kids and we had them all day Saturday, most of the day Sunday, and they didn't have their heads in screens and they didn't complain. And part of the reason was is because we got outside and we just started walking. And we walked on Saturday almost eight miles with these kids and a bunch of them were complaining at first like, we've never walked this far my legs are tired but you know what they loved it we'd walk by a tree and instantly half the kids are already climbing up the tree they're on it they're finding those

little culverts those little um kind of like little sewer places where the water runs under a road and they're trying to figure out how can I climb through that thing from one side to the other. They're picking up things, old scrap wood, and they found some acorns and now they're hitting the acorns with the wood. They found a golf club. They found all kinds of stuff. Why? Because we were just outside walking. Now we had part of a purpose. We were going to this park where we played a game with them, divided them into teams, and we had some money, and they had to find the each other to figure out different gifts and talents, things that they're interested in of other people in their team so that they could come up with, solve the puzzle. But most of it, honestly, we were just walking outside. So point number one is you have to lead. You're going to have to, as a parent, you're going to have to get

outside and lead your kids. You are the parents. It's not like the old days where kids would just wake up and go run outside. They literally have no idea what to do outside if you're not there. And the kids, a lot of times they don't really have an opportunity to be outside because nobody's outside with them. So I would tell you, I did this with my son, even when he was a teenager and his teenage friends would go outside. As long as we were playing something fun, and we were out there, and we were messing around and getting into things and finding things. But most of your kids are very good at making things and inventing things, and these kids were finding all kinds of cool stuff just by the side of the road,

and they were making things out of them. And it was just a cool thing. And then that Sunday, I had the parents and the kids bring cardboard. So we got the kids outside and they were building cardboard forts. And they love doing that stuff. But you just have to take that extra step and do that. It's so easy to fall into the trap of the whole family just kind of reverts back into their screens because it's kind of safe and maybe it keeps them quiet. But it's not good for them. And you already know that intuitively. And it's a big trap. And you know, for many of your kids, it just changes their moods and it changes who they are. So do lead. One of my favorite things

to do, a great tradition after dinner at night, especially as it starts to get warmer, but even then it doesn't matter. Put on your coat, whatever it is, go outside and take a walk. A 15 minute walk after dinner to get fresh air is a fantastic thing because you know what it's like after dinner when you're tired, everybody just goes into the living room or the kitchen, wherever, to their bedroom. And it's so easy just to turn on the TV or get your head in a screen. But if you make a habit of going for a short walk, one, the fresh air is great and changes people's moods. But you also have really great talks because you're walking and talking and you're seeing and noticing things.

It's simple and it will break some of it, but you just have to go do it. The third thing I wanted to talk about this, and I've changed my tone in many ways. You know, I've always taken the tone, which is I believe true, and you will believe in this too, is that, hey, we're the parents. We get to make the rules. And if we don't want you on screens, you're not on screens. Okay. And I get to make the rules and I set the limits and I'm all in favor of that. We're the authority figures and we get to set that. But instead of just taking like the tough tone toward parents, it's shifted a little. And you know what it is now? It's compassion. It's compassion for your kids. And here's why. Most of your kids literally cannot handle that smartphone or that device

that is in their hand. They can't. They can't handle it. It's controlling their lives. It changes their moods. It dictates things to them. It is owning them. And you know what? It's owning many of us as adults too. And so what shifted is the compassion because can you imagine if you and I had grown up in this era? I'm thankful I grew up before we had all this stuff because we were outside and we were learning how to do all kinds of things with our friends. And these kids, they don't know how to do that. But here's the other part. They're dealing with social media, which is brutal. You've got teenage girls and even younger whose whole day is ruined because they posted a picture on Instagram or on their Facebook page and their best friend didn't like their picture, but they liked some other girl's photo. And now there's all this drama. And it is a terribly difficult thing to

manage. And so I've shifted to, I have compassion for the kids because we as adults have created this. It's not the kid's issue. We've created it, and we put something in their hands that they literally can't control. So for some of you, the discussion, and I'd wait for the weekend perhaps to do it because it's going to be nasty, and it's not going to be pretty, but it's necessary. For some of you, the appropriate discussion this weekend sounds like this. Son, daughter, I need to apologize to you. I gave you a smartphone when you were too young, way before you had the ability to handle it. And it's controlling you. It's dictating your moods. It's changing your life. It's changing our entire family is now different because of it, because I gave that

to you too soon, and you can't handle it. So I want to apologize for that, but what I want you to know is, beginning over the weekend, we're going to start this Friday night, Saturday, whenever this is, we're going to start. I'm taking it away from you, and here's what's going to happen. You're going to be angry at me. You may hate me. You's what's going to happen. You're going to be angry at me. You may hate me. You're going to call me names. You're going to have a big meltdown. You are going to be furious. You're going to be upset. And you're going to do everything in your power to convince me that you can control it. And you're going to want to bribe me somehow or threaten me with something. And here's what I want you to know.

I love you too much. And I have compassion for you. And the compassionate thing to do is to follow through. And here's what I want you to know. I don't need you to like me. I don't need you to be happy with me. And you may be angry at me for a month. You may not even talk to me. And I'm okay with that because here's what I want you to know.

As your mother, as your father, as your parent, I will always do what is best for you, even when it becomes very inconvenient for me. So, this is happening. And I guarantee you if you do that and you stick to it, and it will be awful, it will be ugly. And that's why I like letting them know, here's what you're going to do. I know you're going to be angry and mad. I know you're going to try to convince me and you're going to try to, you know, negotiate with me. Let them know what's going to happen, but it's not going to work. But I guarantee you if you do this and if you can have the courage and persistence and fortitude to stick with this, and then replace that time with family time, doing fun things

together outside, doing different things, and just being firm with this, I guarantee you one day, and it may not be for three months, it may not be for three years, but I guarantee you this child will eventually come to you and they will thank you because they don't have the maturity now. No kid is going to come and say, mom, dad, listen, you gave me the smartphone and all these devices. And, um, I've just, I've just determined I can't control them. They control my mood. They control everything. And so I can't handle them. So I really just want to can't control them. They control my mood. They control everything. And so I can't handle them. So I really just want to give you this back. They're not going to do that. And I know we want them to, but we're the leaders in the home. We have to make the tough choices

because they can't and they won't. And we have to put up with all the nasty mess that comes, but I guarantee you they will thank you. And I know from my own life and experience that Casey came to me afterwards and it was months and months afterwards. And he said, dad, thank you for what was doing right, doing what was right for me. Because at the time I thought that I couldn't live without this thing.

But then I learned that I could and it was so much more peaceful. And I actually have control of my life and control now of my screens. I know how to do it. So I encourage you in whatever form that needs to be, I encourage you to do it. And I don't mean to sound like a jerk,

but I have so many parents who will come to me at workshops or whatever, phone consultation, whatever. Hey, what do I need to do? And I'll tell them. And they won't do it. You know what? It's not, if you want to, I don't do guilt. But if you want to look at it in a different way, it's not fair to your kids. Right?

It's like handing them a little bit of heroin and saying like, listen, or cocaine and say, listen, after school, just do a little bit of blow. Just a little bit. Just do a little bit. Take the edge off because I know all the other kids are doing it. And I know that you're kind of bored and I know you like doing this. So just do a little bit of it. And we'll all be happy because you'll do a little bit of cocaine, take the edge off of you. You won't be bugging me. You wouldn't do that. And I'm not equating the two, but I am equating them in the sense that it does control their life. And I'm not saying it's addictive, although some of your kids are addicted to it because it can't live without it. The very fact that you dread, watch, see if this makes sense.

The very fact that at this moment, many of you are dreading this decision and will do anything to justify not doing it, is proof that your kids are, whatever words you want to use with it, addicted to it or can't control it because you know when you have that discussion, they're going to freak out and flip out. So you're going to try to get around it any way you can. And look, there's no way to do it except to be the adult and be the grownup and be the leader. And I guarantee you, your kids will thank you. So that's kind of the tough way, compassionate way to me. But let me show you a different way as well, a different way to look at this. And we go through this in great detail. We have an audio CD series. It's called Control Screens

so they don't control you or your family. And we go through because it's technology. It's pitting you against your kids. There are endless power struggles over video games and you end up, I'm going to take it away. Okay, can I have it back? Can I have it back? Can I have my phone back?

When do I get my phone back? Can I have it tomorrow? What if I do this? Can I have it next week? And I did it. And it's endless, right? And all those questions, right? Like some of you already have pressure to give your toddler an iPad, right? And you're worried about their imagination and their social skills being stunted. And your teens are pulling you away, away from you because their heads are in screens all the time, right? And so we go through, you know, how do you do this, right? When your kids would literally play Minecraft all day, every day,

if you allowed them, right? And what about, you know, it's hard because the schools sometimes force your kids, in a sense, to use a tablet for homework. But then you have these kids, they have little impulse control, they get distracted. So they end up, you think they're on their iPad, right, or tablet doing their homework, and they're not. They're playing a game, right? Or a hard one, right, which we go through is your kids who have that fear of missing out because their friends are online at night texting at 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock at night, and your child's not. And so they're like, but I'm feeling left out, right? So we go through all of that, but I'm going to give you some insight. And that's by the way, it's at celebrate calm.com forward slash control dash screens. And, and we go through a lot on that. And just so you know, I'm mentioning because this week, I'll just be honest, I'm getting kind of tired of asking about this all the time and trying to explain it all. And so for any of you to know Celebrate Calm, you know that our CDs, we usually charge $97 or $197 for each set of CDs. Why? Because they're worth it. And if you listen to it and you apply the strategies, it will change

your family. And so for this Screens one this week, what we're doing is, because Casey and I had a little debate on the car on the road. And I was like, I want to do it. Twenty nine dollars. He's like, Dad, twenty nine dollars. You've never sold anything for twenty nine dollars too cheap. People aren't going to value it. And I said, you know what? I'm frustrated. I want enough people to buy it so I don't have to keep asking, answering the same questions. And for 29 bucks, I mean, it's way less than a trip to the therapist. It's less than the cost of a video game. So it's less than the cost of, you know, you can disconnect your kids from their smartphone. You'd save more than that. But anyway, it's 29 bucks and I've never done that. But I want families to be free from these power struggles so they can enjoy each other again, right? So here's what I want you to think about

with video games and screens and other things. And this kind of, the reason I want to do this is it encapsulizes our approach to just about all behavior. All behavior is pretty much based on meeting a need, right? It's determined by meeting a certain need. You eat, why? Because you're hungry, right? Simple example I always use is it's late afternoon with your kids and your kids are starting to misbehave and you just say, hey, cut it out, stop misbehaving, nothing changes. But if you give them a snack, all of a sudden their behavior changes and they're angels again. You didn't change their behavior, you met an internal need by feeding them. So I want you to think about this. When your kids are on screens, especially video games and maybe on their smartphones, what needs are being met? One,

there's order. Order and structure because your kids don't have a lot of it and they crave it. When your kids play their video games, they know exactly what to expect. The rules are the same. The consequences of the video game are the same every time. They know what to expect because there's not a mom video game and a dad video game giving them different directions and rules. So they know what to expect and that feels safe for kids. There's ownership in it. When you and I were kids, we had ownership of our lives because we're outside playing with no adults around for hours every afternoon and pretty much all summer long, no adults. Your kids, the only time they really have ownership of something where an adult isn't controlling or organizing it is when they're playing their video games because we hate them so much, right? We hate the video games. Stimulation. The video

games, the screens are immediately stimulating. And your kids who have brains who are under stimulated because they don't get enough blood flow or dopamine are always seeking brain stimulation because they get bored easily. It's why they fidget. It's why they argue with you and pick on their siblings and procrastinate. It's all about brain stimulation. And all of a sudden with the video games, they're getting a lot of instant stimulation and immediate feedback. It comes very, very, very quickly. There's a social aspect of it. Now, not the way you and I want them to get social skills done, face-to-face interactions, but there is a social skills component because kids on Xbox Live are playing each other, right? They compete against each other. They talk about their video games all the time.

Video games screens are a challenge. Your kids like a challenge, and they get up for it. And these video games provide an intense, immense challenge for it because they want to get to the next level, right? And that's what you hear all the time. Hold on. I just need to get to the next level, right? I just need to save it.

And I want to do away, by the way, with all those power struggles too. Here's something we miss, competence. Your kids are very good at video games, and we really miss this one. Most of your kids are not very good at doing school. They're not. They're not great at school. They're not always great at being at behavior, right? But they are good at their video games. They're good at manipulating screens. And so do you know where confidence comes from? It doesn't come from an adult saying you're wonderful and you're amazing. It comes from accomplishing something. It comes

from competence. So when your kids who are starved for this, sometimes in school and at home because we rarely praise them and they don't get to use their gifts and talents, when they get on the video game and they're really good at it, guess what it feels like? It feels good because they're really good at it. And now it's one area of their life where they have confidence. So just think about this. These screens provide order and structure, ownership, stimulation, immediate feedback, social skills, a challenge, competence, and confidence. And then all of a sudden we come to them with our video games and say, hey, stop, cut it out, done, no more video games. And they're like, hold on, you just ripped away from us something that met all these internal needs. And again, it's your

right to do that with a smartphone. Smartphones are a little different. They don't meet all of those needs, but they meet some of them. But still want you to take away the smartphone if you need to. And I want you to take away the video game. But here's the longer term approach. If you want to get your kids off video games and screens or limit them a lot, if you want to do that with a fight, you'll have to figure out a way to meet all of those same internal needs in a different way. And that's why I encourage you, get the screens CD, because we go through that in great detail. How do you actually do that? And I've done this with lots and lots and lots of kids over the course of the last 10, 15 years. I've

used this approach. I used it with my own son because he was at one point pretty much addicted to Call of Duty 2. And we're able to get him off of that without the big fight because we met needs, the internal needs in a different way. And Casey, by the way, is on the CD talking to your kids. And I had Casey record with me because actually Casey was really good at this and he learned how to control his social media. And I'm actually really impressed because he's in his early twenties. He's actually really good with this of not letting, letting the technology consume him. He's actually done a really good job. And so I like sometimes for your kids to actually listen to the CD and hear them, hear Casey talk about this and the self-control. So if you're interested in that, anyway, let me wrap it up this way. Do this. You can do these

things, right? You can do these steps. You can, you can lead and get outside. You can go for that walk after dinner. You can have the compassion for your kids. You can figure out different ways to meet these needs. If we can help you with that, I'd encourage you, email Casey. Email my son directly. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm, C-A-L-M, dot com. Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. And tell him you want help with screens, and he'll help you out with it. Or call 888-506-1871, or you go to celebrate calm.com forward slash control dash screens. And you can look at everything that's in this package. Um, and again, it's $29. I will probably never, ever do anything that cheaply again. Why? Because I think it's a lot worth a lot more. I mean, some of you, some people have some people have done endless therapy and have,

look, some of you have had to do therapy with your kids over power struggles and fights and moodiness and all those things, and they didn't necessarily need therapy. They just need to get off the screen so you didn't have so many power struggles, right? So I just encourage you to do this, whether you get the screen sing or not.

Do be proactive with this. Show your kids a different way and lead with it. I guarantee if you start getting outside, I'll give you one more thing to do. Do this when you listen this night. Go home and talk to your kids and say, guys, we need to talk about screens. They're going to be like, oh, you're going to take them away. And you may just say, you know what? Mom and I, Dad and I, or I'm having trouble controlling my own screens. Have you noticed we're on screens all the time? Could you guys actually come up with some ideas to help us

not be on our screens so much? Because we don't really like that either. And our jaws are going to be left open wondering why are you doing this? Why? Because you're the adult and the leader. And if you can't control yourself and your screens, how can you expect your kids to? So thank you for listening. Hope you found this helpful. And just let us know if we can help you. We're at CelebrateCalm.com, and we'd be glad to help you anytime. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.