Calm Parenting Podcast - Get Your Kids to Make Good Choices: Two Practical Ideas You Can Use Tonight.

Episode Date: January 20, 2018

Your kids are impulsive and make bad choices. Then they get in trouble and you end up fighting. It's exhausting. How can you get your kids to own their choices and be responsible for themselves? Kirk gives you two very powerful and concrete strategies in this short podcast. You can use the Choice Ball and Bonfire examples tonight—men will love the Bonfire approach! Want to learn more about Calm Parenting University that Kirk mentioned? Visit http://www.celebratecalm.com/cpu-150/ to get 40 strategies like these. Email [e-mail] with the word CALM in the subject line or call 888-506-1871 to book Kirk at your school/church or get help with our resources. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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but you could spend 800 hours on discipline because you have kids who are often very impulsive and they don't even think about what they're doing and that's why they get in trouble. You'll even ask them like, what were you thinking? Why did you do that? And they'll say, I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't. I'm just stupid. I'm dumb. Or you have kids for whom consequences mean nothing. They literally don't care what you're going to take away. So I want to give you some different tools because that's what we're about, right? And let's hit overview first, then we'll get into specifics. Remember that discipline is something you do for your child, not to them. Discipline is not punishment. Discipline, disciple,

literally means to teach. So three questions I always ask before I discipline my child. Number one, am I teaching my child something, right? Just saying, why'd you do that? Cut it out. Go to your room. Doesn't really teach them anything. Just lets them know that what they did was wrong, but they already know that and that's why they lie. Number two, am I showing my child a different way to do it next time? Because your kids don't want to be perpetually in trouble, but sometimes they don't know how. So I have to show them and I give them tools. And in our curriculum, if you ever get any of our CDs, our curriculum, you'll hear us talking about tools, tools, tools.

Taking stuff away and giving consequences is fine. And we'll do some of that. But it's reactive. It's after they've messed up. I'd rather spend 85% of my energy giving kids tools to succeed so they don't make a bad choice in the first place. Number three, and most importantly to me, is my discipline leading me to a closer relationship with my child? Because good discipline should lead to greater trust. Your kids aren't going to always like you being firm,

but it's good for them. It's good for you. And ultimately, it leads you closer to your child. And that's what we want is trust built. Just yelling, screaming, barking out consequences, shaming your child doesn't lead to any of those things. So let's do it a different way. So I want to focus on two specific tools in a short podcast tonight, because we've got, this big church is going through this, we've got a program, it's called Calm Parenting University, and you can find it on our website. And what it is, is it's a video series. And so parents get together, which is really nice, because you need that support to know that you're not alone,

or you can get this individually, watch it right in your home with your husband, because a lot of men like our videos because I get to demonstrate, right, what they're like with their all the time, because that's how I was with my son. And your kids can watch it too, which is kind of cool because you can give them ownership over how you're going to start doing discipline differently. Kind of cool. But this church is going to do it. So a bunch of parents get together. They don't feel alone. They watch a video. Then they have a discussion about it. And in four different videos, we go through 40 different practical strategies to get your kids to listen the first time, to motivate them,

to stop the defiance and disrespect, and help you calm down. So I was looking through the program, and there's a workbook there, which is really nice because it's kind of like an instruction manual, right, Where you have in this one little book, you've got 40 different strategies. So it's really handy to just keep in your kitchen. So I was looking through it and these two strategies kind of popped in my head that I haven't thought about for a while. So the first one is this. It's called the choice ball. And it's something I came up with when we had kids in our home. We used to have 10, 15 kids in our home at a time, had all kinds of issues. They were all impulsive and they'd get upset and they'd do all these different things

and they'd blurt out and they'd spout different things, they'd melt down. And so I remember one day I had this really soft little juggling ball in my hand. And here's kind of what it sounded like. So this kid is, and you can tell, look, you can tell when your kids are beginning to amp up, you can see the look in their eyes, you can hear it in their voices, you can hear them getting frustrated. And I remember looking at this, one of these kids, and I looked at him and say, hey, take this ball, it's called a choice ball, because you've got a choice to make. And for the

next 30 seconds, throw this ball up in the air and catch it. And just think about this. You've got a choice to make, right? So your next choice, you could choose to, um, say inappropriate things to me. You could choose to take that other kid's Legos. You could hit your brother, right? You'd say inappropriate things to your mother right now, whatever it is that they're about to do. You've got a choice, and I'm okay with whatever choice you want to make, right? So if you want to make a bad choice and you want to suffer the consequences, I'm completely comfortable with that because it's your choice, not my choice, okay? I want you to own your choices in life because that gives you power, and I want you to have a lot of power in life, right? I want you to own your own life. I don't want to control your

life. I want you to control it. And I want you to learn how to make choices. So you've got a choice. Sometimes I give them a couple options. Look, you could go ahead, you could do that. You could steal the kid's Lego if you want. You could go ahead and throw, you can throw that thing in my house and just let you know you're not going to like the consequence. Or if instead of doing that, you could sit on the floor and you could talk to that kid and you could handle the conflict that way. If you're really upset, you could build with some Legos. We could sit and color. I'll do push-ups with you if you want.

But 30 seconds, throw up the ball a few times and let me know what your choice is. And then here's a big key. I would walk away from them. I didn't stand over them because that's what happens with the strong-willed kids. We get in their faces. You need to think about your choice right now, young man. And we give them an ultimatum. And I'll just tell you with a strong-willed child, they will almost always just choose the oppositional path and they'll do what you don't want them to do just to prove that they can do it. Because we often say things like, you can't do that. And then they'll just do it. And they'll look at you and say, told you I could. And then you'll take away everything they own and they

just won't care. So the choice ball was an option. It was a very soft ball. And I'd encourage you to get something like a Nerf ball, right? Because some of your kids are pretty emotional and they may actually choose to throw the ball at you. That's happened a few times to me and I get that. But what I liked about was, it was this, it became a short little code word where I just say, hey, choice ball. I didn't even always have a choice ball with me, okay? But it was a code word that says you have a choice to make and it's all within your control. But here's the thing. You don't have to make that choice in this moment. You don't have to do it right now. You can actually sit and think about it. In fact, if you want to go for a walk and throw the choice ball up in the air outside, you know, if you want,

I'll go outside and we'll play catch with a choice ball while you think about what choice. And I was leading them to a calm place and I was giving them some space to think and do this, right? And so when they did make their choice, it was a conscious choice that they got to make. And then I could either say, hey, dude, not a great choice, not the one I would have chosen, but I respected it was your choice. You own your choice and now you own your consequence as well. And I'm okay if you're mad at me because that was your choice. But most of the time they began to learn to make better choices. Now I'm able to turn the situation around and say,

man, that was an awesome choice. Like that was really mature. You thought through that. You made a good choice. And now watch what the outcome is. I'm proud of you. That was awesome. And you'll notice in my tone of voice, I stay even and matter of fact with kids a lot,

especially strong-willed ones, because I don't want to get all emotional and I don't want to put pressure on them. So I just let them know that was an awesome choice. That was cool. And I'd often walk away. But the walking away and giving them some space to own is really, really important. One of the other tools that we use is called, if you watch the video, it's called Tea Cups. And I'm not going to share it here because it's better on video and it's really cool. It was a mom who wanted her kids to listen to her and she used this Tea Cups example and it's classic. I've had literally thousands of emails from people saying I did the tea cups thing and it worked. But I'm going to share a different version of that with you.

And this one is, I call it bonfire. Now, a couple things before we get to that. And if you have a husband or whatever, ex-husband, I don't care. I'm telling you, this is a really good one for men to listen to because they'll love this. But before I get to that, I want to share with you a couple tools. Remember we talked about giving kids tools to succeed, and I'm always giving tools to help kids do things the right way so I don't have to get to, here's an ultimatum, and you better listen, or here's the consequence.

You can't do that stuff so often because, you know, it just becomes meaningless anymore because that's all you ever do every night is just bark consequences. So tools, I'll give you an example. You know, picking up stuff, right? You want your kids to pick stuff up. You know, use music. Music's a great tool.

You put music on. There's rhythm in music. It's easier to work to music. It makes it a little bit of fun. Make it loud music if of fun. Make it loud music if you want. Make it your picking up music, okay? Put on a little bit of Metallica from the Black Album. It's a great album. Kind of kidding, but not really, right? Sometimes the intensity of music can be actually a really great thing. You can put on some cool,

horrible 80s music if you were from that era and your kids will make fun of you. Whatever you want. I don't care. Any kind of music is helpful. Sometimes a timer, right, to say, hey, listen, I want to do this with you. We're going to have this fun thing happening tonight, but we've only got about 23 minutes now. If we set this timer, I bet we could get the toys picked up and everything done in about three and a half minutes. It'll give us 19 and a half minutes to play our game. But, you know, if you want to go slowly and you want to take 15 minutes to pick up, I'm okay with that too. It just means we only have about five or seven minutes to get stuff done. Doing stuff backwards,

making stuff a challenge with strong willed kids. Sometimes with chores, I would make it a challenge. I put a blindfold on and say, hey, bet you can't pick up all your stuff while you're blindfolded. The strong will kids love that stuff, especially if there's a chance that they would fall down the stairs and crack their heads open because they love the stimulation of that. Don't let them do that. I don't want to get sued, so whatever. But I did do that a lot, and it was really helpful. So just watch your kids or put a helmet on them while they're blindfolded. We do tours upside down. I don't care. You can make it very specific, right? Hey, you know, Legos, first thing we're going to do, we're going to pick up all the blue Legos and then the red Legos. Sometimes that just

helps. One other tool for doing things is this, saying this, I don't care how you get it done. Just do it. You want to do it in a weird way? I literally don't care. I had a mom follow through on this and she wanted her kids, I think it was a daughter, to clean the kitchen floor. And her daughter, and she said, I don't care how you do it. And daughter says, you know what? I think I'm just going to lick up the crumbs. And mom said, have at it. I don't care. The daughter got down on her hands and knees and started licking the crumbs off the floor. Mom didn't react at all because that's what the child was looking for. And after about a minute of it, the daughter decided that's kind of gross. She got up and she used a broom. But sometimes when you give some kids some space to own it themselves, they will do it.

But if you stand over them telling exactly how to do it the way you do it because you have control issues and perfectionism issues, your kids are going to resist you every time. And that's not their issue. That's your issue. That's why I want you to control yourself. So here's the cool example that most men love. So I love working with men because men are often men of few words. And I like very few words when you discipline. The fewer words you use, the more valuable they become. The more words you use,

the more upset you get, the more inconsistencies that your kids point out and it never ends well. So a man will say, hey, here's the deal. Legos need to be picked up off the living room floor in the next 12 minutes or I'm going to build a bonfire and burn your Legos. And he walks away. Now, a little side note. This is a little bit extreme, but I love it anyway, and it's cool. So dad walks away. What do the kids see 12 minutes later? Smoke coming up from the backyard. Here's what they learn very, very quickly. Oh, crap, he meant it.

And that's what I want your kids to learn is that you have personal integrity. When I tell you something, when I make a promise to you, I keep it. I don't need you to like it. I don't need you to like it. I don't need you to like me. I don't need you to be happy about it. I just want you to know one thing. I am a person of integrity and you can always count on me. You can't always count on society and other people, but you can count on me because when I tell you something, I will always do what I told you to do, will always do what I told you to do, even if it's really uncomfortable, even if you don't speak to me for three weeks,

even if you're not happy with it. I just want you to know you can count on me. So dad walks away, 12 minutes later, smoke's coming up from the backyard. I love it. Now, a couple caveats, especially for the men out there, okay? So don't walk away from this and go tell your wife, you know what, the calm guy said we get to burn stuff. It's not what I said. Also, watch your expectations. If you have a 7-year-old who has dumped 35,000 Legos on the floor, he's not picking them all up in 12 minutes.

In fact, he's probably not picking them all up, period. You're going to get all upset like, I know, but he needs to learn the consequences of his actions. If you dump the Legos on the floor, you've got, I get that. But a lot of your kids just aren't going to do it, right? And it's going to be just a big fight. You'll be perpetually disappointed. It'll ruin the relationship with your child. They'll never be happy. And your kids will end up doing all kinds of bad stuff with the bad crowd because they never got acceptance and because your expectations were way out of line, right? So if you've got a seven-year-old, you're going to have to do it with them, make it fun, listen to music, do it with blindfold on, all those things. But, but, but, but,

I love being able to say, listen, 12 minutes, bonfire in the backyard, choice is up to you. Again, that word choice. I'm okay with either choice. If you don't pick your Legos up, I'm not going to be disappointed in you. I'm not going to lecture you. I'm not going to shame you. I'm simply going to build a bonfire and take the Legos back there. And I'll be happy doing that because I think it's going to be really pretty. If though you do choose to pick your Legos up, that's awesome. You get to live to play another day. You get to play with your Legos tomorrow night. Again, look, I'm giving the child ownership. I'm not owning it. When I was a kid, I picked up everything my parents expected. Who cares? Your kids don't care. It just makes you sound old. So let it go. Watch. You can't make discipline all about you. It's not about you. You know, a lot of times when

your kids don't do things, they're not consciously thinking, well, my parent is the authority figure in the home. I'm not going to do it because I want to disrespect authority. That's not usually why they're doing it, right? So don't take it personally because if you take it personally, that means you're owning their behavior. And our goal is to get our kids to own their own behavior. That's what I'm after.

And so I love this idea, right? So let me wrap this all together, right? Again, remember what the purpose of discipline is. It's not building bonfires and burning stuff to show your kids a lesson. But I do love, I do love the fact, okay, that you're showing personal integrity, right? But remember, we're going to teach and show them. We're going to lead them to a calm place, we're going to teach and show them. We're going to lead them to a calm place. We're going to lead to a closer relationship. We're going to lead to greater trust.

How does bonfire lead to trust? It leads to trust because your kids start to learn very quickly, oh, when my mom says something, she just doesn't lecture me for 14 minutes and get all flustered and upset and tell me how she's such a good mom and why won't I listen. That's not what it is. My mom, it builds trust because when my mom tells me something, she just quietly goes about and does what she told me she was going to do. Same with dad. That's how it does it. That's what

you're teaching them. You're showing them a different way even. So anyway, let's wrap this all together. I hope that you'll apply not just the bonfire one, right, but more so the choice ball, the idea behind it of giving them choices, of showing them, of leading them to a calm place. You know, listen to this stuff again and again. I encourage you to watch the Calm Parenting University DVDs because I'm able to model the tone of voice that we use with these kids. And we go through 40 different strategies to motivate, to calm,

calm yourself, calm your kids, to get your kids to listen the first time. We do that teacups example, which you will love. But if you need help with that, email us. Email my son. His name is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, Casey at CelebrateCalm.com, and he will help you get that. You can go right on our website. You can buy it off of our website, and we'll send it out to you,

and I'll send you this Got Calm bag that you can use. I'll send you a You're a Great Mom refrigerator magnet because you need to hear that stuff all the time, right? And we'll help you out with that. If you need a phone call, it's 888-506-1871. Anytime you need help, email or call us. We answer very, very quickly. And our entire family is, all throughout our family, is strong willed kids, kids with ADHD, kids with Asperger's, kids with learning disabilities. So we get how tough it is and we appreciate the struggles you have. So, hey, if we can help you in any way, let us know.

Reach out to us. Hopefully, we'll see you maybe at a live event across the country. If you want us to come to your community, again, email or call. It's very, very easy because we love doing this stuff in person because it helps to see it and hear it, right? And do these live examples on all different topics. And I can get to, instead of like two examples for discipline, either on the videos or live, I can do 10 different examples, right? So anyway, thank you so much for investing in your kids. And hopefully we'll see you soon somewhere. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.