Calm Parenting Podcast - Get Your Strong-Willed Kids to Do Stuff Without The Fight

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

You have a strong-willed child who automatically resists you at every turn, chooses the harder path, and won’t do things the way you want them to be done. Kirk gives you 5 ways to get your kids to do homework, get ready in the morning, apologize, do chores, and more in this important podcast. Want Kirk to speak at your school or church in 2019? Get 20% OFF for your organization if you email [e-mail] with the subject line CALM2019. Take advantage of our New Years Clearance Sale here: https://www.celebratecalm.com/calm-new-year/ Have questions? Email [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Hey everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. We've got a Facebook page, Celebrate Calm. And if you ever need anything, reach out to my son because he is just like your kids, only he was way worse. So he kind of gets it. You know what I'm talking about. So his name is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. He was a very challenging child, but now he is, like most of your kids, for other people, he was amazing.

And since you are not his parents, if you were to email or call him, he will help you out with any of our products or different programs, setting up live events. He'll help you out, and he's awesome because, again, you're not his parents. So here's what I want to talk about today is getting your kids to do things. And it's difficult for many of you and for many of your kids because you have strong-willed kids. These are kids who are very bright, but they don't put their brains into doing things that you want them to do. They're not always academically motivated. Many of these kids don't sleep well, partially because they have very busy brains that don't shut off. They often have anxiety. And sometimes just plain staying up late at night, thinking of ways of getting out of doing stuff. Because when these kids wake up in the morning, they have an agenda. They know what they like.

They know what they don't like. And so there are power struggles over everything because you know what they don't like doing? Anything that you want them to do. And you will spend their entire childhood saying this. If you would just do what I asked you to do, you would be done in seven minutes. But you'd rather argue with me for seven hours or days or years and lose everything you own, right? Many of you have those kids. And so they like to do things the hard way. They like it to be a challenge. Many of these kids will choose the harder path, right? They'll even choose the consequence because they don't want to do it like everybody else does it. And here's the clincher

for you. Strong will kids are never going to do things the way that you want them done. They're not. And any of the hubbies listening out there, I know if you're like me, you're like, well, I'll show them my way or the highway. It doesn't work with these kids. You can't intimidate them. What are you going to take away from them? They'll just hand it to you and they won't care. They will sit in their bedroom and look at a wall with a blank stare until you freak out and give them everything back. So it just doesn't work. And you're going to have to realize that. You're going to have to get inside the hearts and brains of the strong-willed child and realize they're not always just being defiant little jerks. It's what it seems like it is, but it's not. And I want you to understand them. So

here's one critical concept among many, but I just want to cover one today and it's called ownership. So this is how we kind of define and look at it. And here's why it's important. When you and I were kids, we had a lot of ownership of our lives, meaning we got to make decisions all the time. When you and I were kids, we got home from school 2.30, 3 o'clock in the afternoon. We were gone for hours at a time. There were no adults around telling us what to do. We made up our own rules. We made up our games in the neighborhood. In the summertime, we didn't even see our parents until dinnertime. True? And so we were out making dozens of decisions a day without an adult telling us what to do and how to do it. We had a lot of ownership of our lives.

Your kids growing up today, from the time you get them up at 6.22 in the morning till the time you put them to bed, an adult is telling them what to do and how to do it, when to do it. Your kids can't even play games anymore without a concerned adult making sure the teams are fair and everybody gets a chance and nobody loses. And that's awful for kids because they never learn how to work things out amongst themselves. They never get the freedom to make their own choices without an adult standing over them. And these strong will kids are kids who want ownership. They're independent kids. And it's actually a good thing that they want that. So here's how I define ownership. It's not control.

I'm not giving any child control of my home or classroom. But I will give them ownership of their choices within my boundaries. So I create a big box for my kids and I say, here's the deal. I'm creating this big box for you to live in conceptually. Because look, all of your parents, friends are just going to tell you, well, if you've got a strong willed child, you better clamp down on that child. And you've done that. And I guarantee it will create a lot of defiance with this child. Instead, I create a big box and I say, my box has very clear rules, very clear boundaries, and I have very clear expectations of what I want.

But I am going to give you space within this box to do things and do them differently than I would do them as long as we accomplish the same goal. Does that make sense? I'm not saying if you want to do your homework. Oh no, homework is getting done. I just don't care how you do it. I'm going to give you ownership.

If you want to lay upside down off the sofa and do your homework, good. You want to sit in a closet and do it, awesome. You want to listen to loud music while you're doing your homework, good. You want to sit in a closet and do it, awesome. You want to listen to loud music while you're doing your homework, great. It'll help you concentrate better. You want to stand at the kitchen counter, eat a snack while you're listening to music

and moving a little bit, awesome. Why don't you do homework sitting out, swinging on a swing? Why don't I review vocabulary words while we're jumping on a trampoline? I don't care how you do it as long as you get it done, right? Does that make sense? I'm not letting them dictate whether or not they do things, but I give them some space. We could do a whole hour on space. You have to give kids space.

I guarantee you, you stand over your kids all the time demanding that they do things. And I know you say, well, I'm the authority figure. They need to listen to me. You don't like it when people stand over you and demand that you do things. Nobody does. It's against human nature. You like for someone, your boss, whoever it is, to say, here's what I need. Could you help me out with that?

Here's what I need. Go get it done. I don't care how you get it done. Just do it and do it well as long as we accomplish the same objective. I hope what I need. Go get it done. I don't care how you get it done. Just do it and do it well, as long as we accomplish the same objective. I hope that makes sense. I'm going to do a couple quick examples for you. You know, getting kids to do chores. I make it, especially when kids are young, I make it more fun. I let kids do their chores backwards, blindfolded. I had one time, kids at my house, when we used to open up our house to these strong will kids, they had to

clean after they eat and they were slobs. So they would have to clean up the floor. And here's what I told her. It was a girl. One time I told her, I don't care how you clean up the floor. It doesn't matter to me. As long as when I come back in here, the crumbs are off the floor. I just don't care. Right? If you want to lick them off the floor with your tongue, go for it. She said, seriously, I can do that. I don't care because you're not my daughter. Kidding. But anyway, I did say, yeah, it's fine. You know what she did? This girl got down on all fours, started to lick the crumbs up off the floor. Now, why? Because she's strong willed. She wants to prove her point that she could do it. Now, here's a little extra bonus for you. I walked out of the room. I knew what she was doing because I didn't

want to come in, right? And stand over her. So I knew what she was going to do. She was going to lick a few up and then she's going to get up because it's gross. And she knew that, but I wanted her to be able to save face rather than me standing over. See, I told you couldn't lick them off the floor, but I gave her some ownership. And what you're going to find sometimes is when you back off a little bit, we call it this. when we step back as parents, it gives kids space to step up and be responsible. Sometimes when you back off a little bit from micromanaging and lecturing and being on your kids all the time, they'll actually do what you want them to do. But if you're standing over them, they're going to resist all the time. Morning routine. Quick one. Hey, Jacob, here's the deal.

School bus comes, carpool leaves every morning at 722. Here's my goal for you in the morning. I just want you on the bus at 722. I don't care what you look like. I don't care what you smell like. I don't care what's in your stomach. Just be on the school bus at 722. I've got my own stuff to do.

And you walk away and you give them a little bit of space. Now, again, this isn't the only strategy. Some of your kids struggle. So I've got probably 15 different ways to get them up in the morning. But I like this general approach. And I say, hey, 722, look, if you're smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you're going to wear to school the next day, good. Sleep in until 721. I know you hoard and hide food underneath your bed.

So you roll out of bed at 721, grab the Pop hoard and hide food underneath your bed, so you roll out of bed at 7.21, grab the Pop-Tart from underneath your bed, run out to the school bus and jump on it. At the end of the day, if you made the school bus at 7.22, I'm going to say, hey, nice job making the school bus. Now, what's the real issue? I just don't like the way he gets to the bus on time because I want him to get up early and get some exercise and eat avocado and blueberries and have good food so he's ready to learn. And I want him to look nice and smell nice. I want all those things as a parent, but I guarantee you if you're too particular about things and you're always on your kids, they're just going to resist. But I promise you if you

give them some ownership and let them do things in weird ways, what you're going to find is they will do it. It's just going to irritate you. And if you want me to be honest, which you do, it's my podcast, so I'm going to be, it's entirely your issue. There's no blame and guilt in this. It's just that you're a control freak. You are.

You know why? Because you're a human and you're a parent. And that makes you a control freak and you have a lot of anxiety. I guarantee it's a winner. I guarantee you half of your kids come downstairs and want to leave for school either wearing shorts or no jacket or both. And you're going to get in a long fight with them and lecture them about how cold it is. And if you don't wear a jacket, you're going to catch a cold and you will just lie to your child. You lied to them because you don't catch a cold from cold weather. You catch a cold from germs. The truth is this. Here's what you're thinking. What are the other parents and

teachers are going to think of me as a mother if I send my child to school like that? Now, as long as you're not living in northern Minnesota, your child's not going to die. And if, right, they're just not. They don't like wearing jackets. Chill, chill a little bit and give them some ownership. You will notice your kids, you will notice them starting to do things. You just won't like the way they do it. Here's one more quick one. So you've got two kids, say it's two girls, and one of them says something mean to the other one, right? Pretty common.

So traditional approach is I come up to my one daughter, honey, you need to apologize to your sister right now. And you will always be greeted with no. And then you're going to say, if you don't apologize right now, I'm going to take away everything you own. And then your daughter's going to say, fine, sorry, stupid sister, right? And you will have just gotten your apology, but you got a forced apology and it wasn't sincere. And for some of you, that's okay because you kind of like check off your checklist.

You're like, it's pretty good for her. It's pretty close to an apology. But what if in giving ownership, you walked up to your daughter and in a very low key way, look, so much of these things, so much. I bet 90% of these issues aren't really your kids. It's how you deal with it. You have so much power in these situations, not by controlling their behavior, but by controlling your own.

And I'm going to hammer on that because it's the big key to your kid's success. It's not controlling them. It's controlling yourself. It's the way you view them. It's the way you interact with them. It's the tone of voice. It is why I will always, always, always want people to get our CDs and get them, get them, you get them as instant downloads. I want you to listen to this again and again and again because throughout this, I model scripts for your kids. I model tone of voice and it's critical because as soon as you start introducing this tone of voice,

it never works. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever. It will not work. It will cause them to shut down and just say, you. It doesn't work ever when you do that. And that's why you have to begin to control yourself and not take things so personally and begin to do it in a different way. And I'll just do this very quickly. If you want help with this, email Casey.

Go or Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Our phone number is 888-506-1871. Or go to the website. We have a special Begin the New Year where we're doing a special on all of the CDs. You get them as audio downloads so you can listen on multiple phones and devices. You can share them with your parents, with your friends. I don't care. I want people listening because it will change relationships.

It changes kids' behavior. It's a cool thing. And they're on sale to begin the year. So go for it. So watch. Here's the phrase I want to use with this daughter. And I come up to her in a low-key way. Hey, honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do.

And then I walk away and start to drink. Kidding. I don't drink. But look, you're going to feel like it because now it's out of your control. But here's what I like about it. Honey, I know you know the right thing to do. It's an honest statement. It's affirming because your daughter knows the right thing to do, which is to apologize. Why? Because you've modeled it for her a hundred times in your home because when you mess up, you apologize. She knows the right thing to do. You don't have to get on her all the time. This phrase I love, when you're ready,

for the strong-willed child, this is a magical phrase. Now, never use it like this. Hey, son, when you're ready, get your shoes on. We need to go. Never then. Your child's not going to get ready. But in an emotional power struggle situation, the phrase when you are ready, it's like it releases them to do what's right because you're not standing over dictating and telling them what to do in the moment. So when I said when you are ready and I walked away, it gave my daughter space to do what she knows is right. Now, I'll tell you this. Your kids are not easy. She will probably not apologize anytime soon. She's going to have to process this.

And she wants to own it. And you know what else is a good thing? She wants to do it in her own time when she's ready. And I know that bothers you. But that's what I want. I want her to do it when she's processed it and when it's sincere. Instead of me forcing an apology, I want true contrition. So you're going to be laying in bed at night thinking, what did we do with this daughter? She's going to be a sociopath. Why won't

she just apologize? But the next morning she's going to get up, but you know what? She's not going to apologize the way you want. She's going to do something kind or thoughtful for her sister as an act of contrition. And your appropriate response is, hey, honey, I saw what you did with your sister. Shows me you're growing up. Well done. That kind of low-key praise, really, really important. Because instead, here's what we do. You know what, honey?

I don't know why you just can't apologize to your sister. I don't know why it's so difficult for you. How many years of hearing a parent say that can a kid take? I don't know why you have to be so difficult. After a while, you know what they think? Sorry for this language alert. Screw it enough for you. You're never happy with me. Nobody's ever happy with me. I never do things your way. And so why would I even bother trying anymore? And we wonder why they shut down. So I encourage you. I'm just going to end with that. I want you to control yourself.

I want you to give kids ownership. If you're intent on making kids do things your way, I will make a hundred percent guarantee. You will have constant power struggles. And if you call me and talk to me, I will say that is your own issue. There's your own control issues, your own anxiety. You have the power to change that. So I want you to work on controlling yourself. I want you to give your kids tools. I want you to give your kids ownership because at the end of this, here's what I want. I want you to have a close, trusting relationship with a child that you enjoy. And I always, when I'm selling my stuff right now, I don't like to sell my stuff, but when I'm talking about the CDs, I'm like, oh, we have all these strategies. I have strategies to get your kids to listen the

first time and to motivate them to do their schoolwork without a stress and to get up in the morning without a big fight. I can do all those things. That's easy. But you know what it really is about? I want you to enjoy your kids. I want you to have a close, trusting relationship with the most difficult child that you have. One of the most important relationships in my entire life is with Casey. And it's because I almost ruined it during the first nine years of his life because I took the my way or highway, he's just a problem kind of approach, and it didn't work. And today, I love my son. You know what's even more so?

I like him. Like even if he wasn't my son, I would want to be friends with my son. He's an interesting kid. He's got a little bit of an edge to him. He's got a little bit of a mouth, but you know what he talks about? He talks about really interesting things.

He's a fascinating kid, and he also makes really inappropriate comments, but they're really funny, and I like it. So anyway, enjoy your kids. Practice the ownership thing. If you have any struggles or questions about that, email us at Casey at CelebrateCalm.com or call us. Thanks for being a good parent, you're a good mom, you're a good dad. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.