Calm Parenting Podcast - Getting Your Child to Be Part of Family Life & Motivated In School?

Episode Date: July 31, 2022

You have a child who procrastinates, isn’t motivated, doesn’t follow directions, or has shut down or won’t talk to you. How can we get this child to do school work, listen, and be a pleasant part of family life? Want to talk with Kirk directly and come up with a game plan for your family? Kirk will work with you individually, or together with your spouse, to get you on the same page and help with the toughest parenting situations you haven’t been able to solve. These calls are a game-changer. Click here to learn about mentoring packages.  Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2022/2023?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY! PS: Live in California, Oregon, Washington, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, or Colorado? We have DISCOUNTED dates available. Contact [e-mail] to learn more. Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you have a child who procrastinates, who isn't motivated, maybe doesn't follow directions. He shut down, won't talk to you, right? How do we get this child to do schoolwork, to listen, maybe just to be a pleasant part of family life, right? Because that happens with a lot of your kids. It's like that one strong-willed child takes up 80% of your energy and kind of drains that family life. It's a really

hard thing sometimes, and those are common questions I get all the time. And I deal with that a lot on phone consultations because we can kind of dig in a lot deeper. And I have an answer for you that I want to record while it's still visceral for me. So please cut me a little slack if this isn't polished, but I want you to hear from the heart of your child because sometimes we say things innocently and even good and helpful things, but your child hears it in a different way. And so I want to give you some scripts, some words to use that I think will resonate deep within the heart of a strong-willed child. So that's what we're going to cover on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. This is when I talk really fast and get out of breath because I want to get through this part. But if you need any help, contact our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Reach out to us. Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with. We will answer and get back to you. You know what I say that all the time when people email?

They're like, we didn't think you would really respond. I'm like, what do you think I'm lying? Of course we respond, right? And so tell us, and Casey gets it because he's the inspiration for all of this. And he gets your kids because he was one of them. So if you need help with anything, if you want the Calm Parenting Package or you want to get the No BS program, which I love, want to find out about those things, just email Casey or look on the website or if you want to schedule a phone consult. So here's what I know is happening. School's starting soon. Why? Because I can feel anxiety oozing out of parents as they're emailing and reaching out to us because you're getting nervous about this next school year.

Last school year, for many of you, was a disaster, right? I want to do my long island. Disaster. It's a disaster. I don't want it to happen again. So how's my child going to make it through the year without having all these behavior issues, going to the principal's office? And what about all the constant power struggles over homework? And some of you, I guarantee they're going into preschool for the first time.

Here's what's going to happen. They're not going to follow directions. So you're going to get calls very, very quickly about your child who can't sit still in circle time, won't follow directions. And some of your kids, the really bright ones, will bite other kids, right? Because they don't want to be at preschool. And so they know, hey, if I start using Mr. Chompers and start biting other kids, oh, I'll get kicked out very, very quickly. So later this month, I'll record some podcasts on overcoming anxiety for your kids and also for you. But here's what I want to focus on now. So I'm talking to these really good parents, right? And they're concerned about their son's performance in school and life, right? Because he procrastinates. He doesn't give his best effort,

right? By the way, you don't either at everything. Nobody does. That is such a parental anxiety phrase. Well, my child won't do his best at everything. Well, neither do you and neither do I. And you're not supposed to. You're supposed to do your best at the things that matter most. We can get into that another time. But your child doesn't give his best effort. By the way, dads, your kids in sports are not going to practice their hardest even though they have potential. They're just not. So chill, right? You don't have to chill, but the other option is to just ruin your relationship with your child. And you still won't get them to give their best effort, right? So it's like,

why ruin the relationship if what you're doing doesn't work? Anyway, they don't participate in family life. This child sits in his room on screen, stays up late. So I played a hunch and I said, I'm curious. You know, I love that phrase. What do you guys do for work? Well, one of them's an attorney and one is a project manager. And I was like, oh, detail oriented people by nature, probably. They knock stuff off lists and they follow through. but now they have a son who doesn't. So these good parents were wondering why their son resists and lies and grunts back at them when they simply walk into his room and ask, hey, did you get your homework done yet? Because it's 11 p.m. It's a perfectly reasonable question to ask because these parents care about their son and want him to do well in

life right there's nothing wrong with that except here's what the strong-willed child probably hears why didn't you do it earlier why do you always put off things that are hard what notice the absolutes that we use you never do this you always see that consigns your child to failure please don't use those words right here's what else they hear you know what you've had all afternoon night to do this if you can't start to manage your own time we're gonna have to take your phone away you know that one thing that provides you a lifeline to some sense of social inclusion right you know what your sister always got her homework done early so she could get a good night's sleep

and be rested the next morning. And why delay it anyway, rather than just knocking it out, relaxing like your dad and I do, because we're very detour-oriented, so we're always on top of things. Why aren't you more like us? Aren't you tired of being the black sheep in the family?

That's what, in that one question, have you gotten your homework done? All of your anxiety, all of these subtle resentments, all of this lack of acceptance and understanding of this child, all of that comes out and that's what your child hears. He doesn't hear, you know what, I love you so much and I'm so concerned and I want the best for you. It's not what he's hearing, right? And so it makes sense that in that situation, your child locks you out of their life

because they start to guard their hearts because there's only so much pain you can take. There's only so much comparing to my parents and to my perfect brother or sister, to my peers, to society that I don't already feel like I fit in anyway. There's only so much I can take. So eventually I got to close that heart off. And that serves them well, because if they don't close that off at some look that serves them well it's not i don't want them to but if we keep doing these things then what do we do with that pain right then you start to self-medicate right and that's why your child makes things up because they're ashamed and they

never feel like they can measure up to you by the, that's why your kids sometimes don't tell the truth because if they actually do, you can't handle the truth. Had to get that line in, right? You react, you flinch, you lecture, and your child can read your disapproval. So if I have a child who is shut down, who isn't motivated motivated how do we start to work on that number one you must learn to accept your child on a deep level on a deep level or they can sense it if you're always trying to suddenly right because we try as parents we're trying to always suddenly do things they can see right through it they're very smart kids if you're always trying to always subtly do things, they can see right through it. They're very smart

kids. If you're always trying to change or fix them, they'll internalize that there's something wrong with them and that you don't really like them as they are. It is one reason I'm hesitant at times about taking kids to therapy because sometimes going, well, let's go and talk. Let's go and talk to a therapist about your issues. Well, now they have issues when sometimes your kids don't really have issues. They're just different. And they begin to internalize, well, if I have to go talk to someone about this, there must be something wrong with me. When in reality, sometimes we need to be the grownups and and say no that's perfectly understandable of course you're anxious you're going to a new school next year you should be

nervous that's a scary thing do you know how nice that is to feel an adult in the room says oh yeah there's nothing wrong with you and that you you should be a little bit nervous see that anyway so parents oftentimes you know what else we do? We will ask, I get this question, well, why is my child like that? And my, I was going to say my jerky response, but I try not to be a jerk, but my go back at you response is, well, why are you the way you are? It's not like you chose your brain and personality, right? It's just the one you were given. It's the one that developed, right? So why do we as parents arrogantly assume that our way is better? And why pigeonhole a child who's still developing just because he makes you uncomfortable,

just because he isn't super social, because he wants to do something differently or everything differently, right? And so if you're asking questions like, you know what, I just don't understand why my child does X. I want to turn that around on you and say, I don't understand why you're so logical or you need everything to be just so, or you need everything to be done right now, right? Why are you overly responsible? Probably because when you were growing up, you had an alcoholic parent where you had to step in. That happens a lot. Look, if you ever want to do the phone consultations, you want to do a little family of origin stuff with me, we'll go back and I'll teach you some things because if you're overly

responsible because you had an alcoholic parent, you know why he did that? Because it served you well. Because you didn't have any order and structure in your life. And your life was, I almost swore, was falling apart. So what do you do as a little kid? You stepped in and you took care of stuff because your parents didn't. And that served you well when you were a little kid because you had to step up and provide order and structure in your life and your home. Well, what happens? You grow up. Guess what happens? You become an overachiever. You become a nurse. You become a doctor. You become someone in the helping profession who helps other people. And you take care of everybody else but not yourself. See how that

works? And then you start to impose those same standards on your kids, and you consign them to have to live with this being driven inside, and not just a good drive. You're compelled to do this because you had to do it when you're a little kid. And here's a good little family of origin thing that you can learn. When I was a little boy, when I was a little girl, I had to do that. It served me well. It kept me safe because I wasn't safe. But now I'm a grown man. Now I'm a grown woman.

And I do not need to do that. I can release that and let that go see the stuff is really deep inside of you and that's why we talk about changing generational patterns so you don't keep putting this stuff on your kids so they have to go through it all right you do look you do the therapy don't make your kids do it. You do it first. Some of you have done a lot of it. If you're doing way too much of it, it's not working, try someone else, right? Because it shouldn't take like, anyway.

So why are you so rigid in your beliefs? Why do you need everybody else to do things your way, right? For all those guys out there like my way or the highway approach, who said that's right, right? That's actually really immature way to live life, right? I'm great in life as long as everybody just does things my way. Okay, that's not awesome, right? So we all have our stuff. By the way, there's no guilt and blame in any of that stuff. That family of origin stuff is like, yeah, you did it as a kid because it kept you safe. I hid as a kid, right? Because I didn't want the brunt of my dad's disapproval and anger and abuse. So I learned as a little kid to run from conflict and hide from things.

And at 56, I'm learning how not to do that, right? So besides, when parents ask that, like, I just don't understand why my child does X. It's not an honest statement. It's not. So I'd rather you be honest. And instead of saying, I don't understand why my child always needs me to play with him. Or why my daughter waits until the last moment. Or why my son has to argue with me. Just be honest

and say, I don't like that my child does this and I wish they would change because it would be better for them and easier for me. Or just say, I don't like my child the way he or she is. That would at least be honest and lead you closer to a solution, right? The only time I've ever gotten into an argument with a parent was at a live event it was a long island right and by the way we're booking live events that's a great pitch hey i'm going to come and argue with your parents it's only happened one time to one person we're booking live events so reach out to casey and we'll come to your school your church your organization wherever right live events are awesome because we get everybody in a room and

it's just there's so much good energy and we all learn together and we laugh and we change. Right? And so there's this type A mom and she couldn't accept that her son, who likes to dawdle and daydream, could ever be successful. Even though I pointed out the studies that show daydreaming is a sign of really great intelligence and we need people who are observers and thinkers, not just people who mark things off a checklist really quickly in an arbitrary timeline, right? And she thought she could change her son's very nature, but you know what you'll do? You will kill your relationship and the child's spirit and it still will never work. So I really want you to wrestle with this. You must accept your child the way he

or she is. Only then will your child feel secure to open up and to listen to your ideas, right? But we don't just stop there and say, oh that's just the way it is, too bad. No, we actively give kids tools to succeed, right? Tools to overcome procrastination, to jumpstart the brain, and to do work that's hard. And we have that at ADHD universities filled with that, how to jumpstart a child's brain for school. So number two, I want you to normalize some things and give your kids tools. Instead of shaming, we're going to give them some tools. So we talked about normalizing some of these things.

Of course you don't like to focus on things you don't find interesting. That's the way your brain is supposed to work. Who wants to write an assignment about something you don't care about? I rarely have to do that in my work, but we have to do this in school to get it done. So here are some tools that I found helpful when I'm doing work that's hard. Why don't we try listening to music? Why don't we work outside the home, in the back of the van, or back of a pickup truck? Why don't we work at a restaurant? Why don't we work? Why don't we do some of our schoolwork and writing while we're standing at the kitchen counter, listening to music, tapping a pencil, and eating a snack? Or after exercise, after your endorphins are rushing and you get blood flow to the brain

see i normalize of course you don't want to do that instead of i don't know why you don't do that you know if you would just start on it now you would be finished in 45 minutes it's not that hard and as soon as you say it's not that hard of an assignment but it's hard for them they internalize well if it's not supposed to be hard but it's difficult for me then i must be stupid right so i'm giving tools right and I finally learned how to bond with Casey over things that irritated me. And so I began to model and listen to music while doing my work. And I just invite Casey into the room where he could sit and do his work. I didn't talk to him. I didn't ask him about it. We just sat there and did our thing right and sometimes it's a very helpful

approach number three affirm and build your child up on the inside now here's a great camp conversation you may have with an older child look if your child's nine or three a toddler still use this process of acceptance and giving them tools now right I want to give the child in preschool a lot of tools so they can do well in preschool. But I'm not just going to say, you know what, if you can't sit still in a circle, then you're going to be consigned to failure as a four-year-old. No, I'm not going to say that. I'm going to give them jobs to do. I'm going to give them challenges and I'm going to get them moving, right? So I want to get your child to a place where they don't feel horrible about themselves.

So for these parents, here is a script that I gave them to use with their son. Now, you can use your own language, but it may sound like this. Sometime with your child, and sometimes you want to write this or even text it to your child. Sometimes you want to do it while you're riding in a car or while you're doing something, walking the dogs, where you're not just like looking them in the eyes like, hey, son, I want to have a heart-to-heart with you that's really uncomfortable. No, just approach them in a way that's less confrontational, just that they would open up and they'd receive this. So, you know, it's not I've been thinking, and I just realize that dad and I are both detail-oriented. Look what we do for our work. And that served us really well. But you're made differently from us. And we failed to recognize that. So

inadvertently out of good heart and good intentions, because we love you, we've been trying to make you behave and think like us. And I can imagine that that would make you feel angry, probably unaccepted, misunderstood, and like you could never please us. And so if I were you, I'd probably feel hurt and angry. And I'd probably give up and not try. Because why bother making an extra effort if your teachers and we as your parents are never really happy with you? But here's what I have noticed. I watch you. You handle pressure well. You're great with kids in high-press pressure situations outside of school. You just shine. I hear you when you're playing

your video games and you're a leader and you're in charge and you direct things. And I see how you go out of your way to help people who are hurting or misunderstood. I notice how you help that elderly couple down the street with nobody asking. And I see how you're gentle and tender. Sorry, I don't know why this is causing me to do this, but when you start to see your kids and what they're really like and actually say that to them, it's a beautiful thing, right? I see you're gentle, you're tender with animals or little children. But you know what?

And I have to, let me interject. We're so, we're so focused all the time. They're going to do schoolwork. You got to do your chores. We got to do what everybody else is doing. Why? Why go through 12 years of schooling of just focus, like only noticing what they get grades for, right?

When most of it is absolutely arbitrary and has nothing to do with success in life or success in relationships. Trust me, I work with a lot of engineers that are very bright, that are horrible, and their families are, they're horrible relationships, and it's not just engineers. I'm just picking on you a little bit, right? But all kinds of very bright people whose lives are literally falling apart and nothing they learned in school is going to help them. The fact that they were on the honor roll doesn't impress their wife after 14 years, right? When they can't have a good relationship and handle things that go wrong in the home, right? Those things don't all matter. But let me get back to this. So I see you're gentle, you're tender with animals,

little kids, and they respond to you and you're creative, you're intuitive, right? But son, you don't get grades or accolades for those things. So it probably feels like no one ever appreciates or validates you for being you and worse yet your brother or sister has always gotten good grades and done homework on time and everybody notices that. So I can understand now how it would feel pretty awful in your situation so I won't apologize. I wish I'd seen the real you sooner. That kind of tone and those kind of words, even if it's broken up into weeks, a little thing here and there over the course of time, right? Feel that out. You don't have to go right in after you hear that and say, so I need to talk to you pretty much ruined your childhood and i right that's not what i'm saying start

observing those things on a daily basis on a weekly basis sending a little text writing a little note and say you know what here's a great this is from the no bs instruction manual it's a great thing to tell your kids sometime i I wish I was more like you. See, it's making me cry too. I wish I was more like you because you push the limits or you see things in a different way. And I'm so rigid and I've done these things since I was a little kid and I just wish I was a little bit more like you. That is such an empowering thing to say. Now, the next thing I want to do with these kids is we call it mission and mentor. And I'll have to do that in a different podcast of getting these kids using their gifts, talents, and passions. Because that's what sparks internal motivation.

This was a long podcast. And I thank you for listening. It's actually not that long. Other people's are longer. It was actually pretty good. I fit a lot of stuff in that 22 minutes. So that, see, that's me recovering because I was very, very emotional.

And that's sometimes still a little bit hard for me, right? I'm a dude. I don't want to be emotional, right? And so that's me kind of covering that up a little bit. That's my own issue. I'm learning to be more vulnerable. I'm learning to be tougher with. I'm learning to be tougher with people because I grew up hiding so people wouldn't be mad at me. And now I have to,

I don't have to, but now I talk to parents. I'm like, yeah, that's not working. You need to stop doing that. That's not smart, right? And so thank you for listening. Share this. If we can help you, reach out to Casey, C-a-s-e-y at celebrate calm.com I have control issues so I read every email that comes into us because this is not a business it's our family mission and we care about this and we care about your relationships if you want to talk to me go celebrate calm.com sign up for the phone consultations and we'll talk and we'll get deep into this if If you don't want to do that yet, grab the Calm Parenting Package

to get everything in a no BS program. Just start working through this. And if you buy, look, if you invest in our programs and start working through it, as you have questions, email us and we'll help you out with it. I want you to invest in this and we will invest in you as well.

And that all works together. So thank you. We love you all. And we'll talk to you soon. Go enjoy your kids. Start to accept works together. So thank you. We love you all. And we'll talk to you soon. Go enjoy your kids. Start to accept them as they are. Okay, talk to you later. Bye.