Calm Parenting Podcast - Have A Relentless Arguer? 5 Ways to Stop This

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

Have A Relentless Arguer? 5 Ways to Stop This.Your child demands. You say no and walk away. He follows you. You go upstairs and lock your bedroom door. He goes outside and climbs up through your second floor window! Instead of being frustrated by this, Kirk will show you how to turn this into an opportunity to problem solve and bond even closer. How can you use this persistence in positive ways? We have slashed prices on our products at www.CelebrateCalm.com to help struggling families use this time together to create changes that last forever. Email [e-mail] for the most helpful service on the planet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you've got a relentless arguer, don't you? He just keeps going and going. She doesn't stop. They come after you and they're persistent and they have a high need for order and justice and to prove their point. And they're just relentless arguers. It's awesome. So that's what we're going to discuss today on the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. We're glad you're here. My name is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. I'm not going to tell you our whole history,

but here's where we learned this. One is our own strong-willed son named Casey. He came out of the womb with boxing gloves on. Love to argue. Very, very good brain for this too, which is an awesome quality. But when you're raising them, it's a pain. So if you ever contact us, you will probably be in touch with Casey. That is our strong-willed son. He's 26 now. He was horrible as a child, but he's amazing as a young adult. And don't judge me for that because your kids are the same way, aren't they? How many of your kids will argue relentlessly with you, but then other people will bring your child home and say, you know, your daughter is such a delight to be with. You're like, well, that's the same daughter

I have. So if you ever want to contact us, you'll talk to Casey. That's where we got this from. His email address, by the way, is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. So if you ever need anything, contact him. He can, uh, he'll listen to you. He will ask about your family. He can put together a custom, uh, uh, products within your budget. We do have a huge sale going on now because we know families are struggling. So we, um, slashed all of our prices so that people can access this because we get these kids and it'll change your family. So if you need help, let us know. But we decided a long time ago that we would embrace these kids, bring them into our home. And so over the course of a decade, we had about 1,500 kids in our home.

And we learned very quickly, these kids are relentless at arguing. So here's one way that you can handle this. Here's the setup. Dad comes home from work. She come home from work, greeted by my son, and he immediately demands that I take him to GameStop because he wants that new video game. Now, it's easy now because I can just say like, it's a non-essential service, so GameStop's not open. But but eventually the stores will be back open up. And so I would still handle it in the same way. Not lying to them, but I just say like, not happening today. I like when I say no to a strong-willed child, short and sweet.

No emotion, non-emotional voice. Even matter of fact, not happening today. No, I'm not going to explain things. Well, buddy, I'd love to take you to GameStop, but your sister has soccer practice because anytime you try to explain, it's an invitation to a further argument. Oh, don't worry, my sister,

she can walk to soccer practice while you take me to GameStop, right? Nothing's going to work like, well, buddy, you know what? You already have all these video games you don't play with. You're never going to hear him say like, mom, dad, listen, I hadn't realized that. I've been so ungrateful. But look, after you really pointed that out, now I don't want the new video game. Thank you for your perspective. Like that's never going to

happen. So my Noah's always like, not going to happen. So what is my child going to do? He's going to come after me. He's going to come after you. True? They're going to come after you. They're not going to say, okay, thanks, Dad. I respect your authority. No, they're going to come after you and come after you, right?

And you're going to walk away and they're going to follow you. And you're going to go upstairs and you're going to go into your bedroom and you're going to double lock the bedroom door. And this child is going to go outside, scale the wall, climb in through the second floor window and come after you again. And they're going to keep going and going and going. True? That's your child. So you can handle it the normal way. Why can't you ever take no for an answer? I don't know why you can't be grateful for the things that you do have. No, no, no, right? And we just whine and complain about it. And we never really teach our kids anything, right? If you don't stop right now, you're going to lose everything that you have.

And none of these responses ever yield anything, but more fights, more tantrums, more meltdowns, and them upset, and we're upset, now we don't like each other, and the child's upstairs in his room. So here's a different way to handle it. I like sometimes using analogies. I like different kind of language, but it may sound like this. There is humor in here because you have to have humor when you're talking about these kids, but it may sound like this. There is humor in here because you have to have humor when you're talking about these kids, but it may sound like this. Child's coming after you and you stop. Hey, Jacob, listen, I've seen this movie unfold in our home

like 27 times this month. Watch, little aside here. This happens all the time. You've seen how it works, right? Like every time. It's not like this is some new behavior, but we keep trying everything we've tried the last 43 times, and it always ends up in fights, meltdowns, parent and child saying things they don't mean,

and everybody all upset. Husband and wife not talking. So, hey Jacob, listen, I've seen this movie unfold in our home like 43 times this month. So here's what I'm seeing. You want that new video game because it's really cool and all of your friends have it because they have parents who don't love them and buy them whatever they want. I'm kidding. But that's kind of true, isn't it? You have to say no to your kids. It's not your right as a parent.

It's your responsibility as a parent not to give in and give them everything that they want. So look, I mix in some sarcasm here. You don't have to say that part to your child, but it's kind of fun, and it's a good way to think about it. So look, all day at school today, you were thinking about that video game because it's really cool and I know you want it. And what I know about you is you have these really great critical thinking skills. And so you already know all of my objections to taking you to GameStop and getting another video game because you're a good thinker. And these critical thinking skills are awesome because that's what's going to make you successful in life. Because one day a company is going to pay you a lot of money.

Not to memorize information for a test. Not just to follow directions all the time. A company is going to pay you a lot of money because you have good critical thinking skills. You know how to think. And I love that quality about you. But we're not going to GameStop. So this movie unfolds. You come home from school.

I come home from work. And you demand that I take you to GameStop. Well, you know I am a man who does not do demanding. I don't get pushed around. It's just not how I roll in my home. Notice, look, I'm doing a little bit of extra language here to take us kind of through the thinking behind it, but notice the tone of it, right? Not getting indignant. I'm not telling them how hard I work all day, right? I'm not doing that. Just let them know, this is, you know, that's not the way I roll because I don't roll that way. And when I discipline, when I say no, I'm taking the energy out of it and I'm just letting them know, this is the way I roll. So I say no and you get upset. And so here's what happens next. You start in on me. You start in on

me because you like to argue, because you want to prove your point. And I love that about you because that's actually a really great quality is to know that you're really good at thinking and you don't like injustice and you feel at the moment that this is unjust and you're going to tell me all the reasons why. Now, that can be a really great quality because it proves that you hear, you listen, and you have a really sharp, quick mind. And that'll help you be a problem solver in life. But here's where that's about to go, is when you use it to argue and you can't let go of it, what ends up happening is you keep going and going and going. So I'm going to walk away

and you're going to follow me and I'm going to double lock the door and you're going to climb up and come in through the second floor window and you're going to keep going. And what that tells me is you're persistent because when you want something, you're really, really persistent. When you care about something, you are goal-oriented, you are driven, and you are persistent. And those are three awesome qualities that are going to make you wildly successful in life. Harvard study showed number one quality necessary for success in life is not good grades and good behavior, which is all parents focus on, is pig-headed determination. Your kids have it. So I want you to point that out. So Jacob, here's what's about to happen.

You're going to keep pushing and pushing and pushing. And this movie ends. And watch, you could just cut all of this down that I just said into this if you want to narrow it down. I know what you want. You want the new video game. It's really kind of cool. And I know all your friends don't already have it now and you want it. But what I know is every time you demand something of me and I say no, and then you keep going and going, it always ends the same way. You keep going and going. You say inappropriate, disrespectful things to me. You end up calling me names. And here's how this movie ends. Every time, Jacob, son, daughter, this is how it ends.

You end up losing all of your current video games. You don't get to go to GameStop. And you end up in tears every single time. Mom and dads, is it not true? Every single time. Here's how it ends. And watch what I'm doing here. Discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to lecture, and it doesn't mean to punish or give

consequences or take things away. It means to teach. And I'm teaching my son or my daughter because I care about my child, and I love them. And I am now in a position where I have wisdom, right? Instead of getting all flustered, I can't believe that you can't be content with what you have and you always go. And I can't believe after all I've done for you, you would talk to me this way. It's not about you. And when I'm allowed to be blunt, if you don't mind, it's just immature. Stop reacting. Stop taking it so personally. Stop doing everything for your child. If you're resentful, that's your issue, mom and dad. Don't make it theirs. Stop making this about you, right? Can't believe I worked so hard to come home, and the first thing that I hear is you're not happy with everything that I've given you. After all, when I was a kid, I didn't stop. They don't care.

Right. And it doesn't matter. I'm the giver of wisdom in my home. I'm the, I am the one who disciplines, which means I'm the teacher and I have wisdom from living a long life. And what I want my child to know right now is I know what you want. I understand why you want it. It's not happening. And if you do it this way, son or daughter, here's what the outcome is going to be. You know how I know that? Because that's the way it's worked the last 43 or 443 times we've had this discussion. You don't get what you want. You end up in tears and everybody's upset.

So I've got to go. Now let's continue. So I've got to go get started on dinner. I'm going to go for a walk. I've got to do laundry. I'm going to give you, son or daughter, a chance at ownership to rewrite the ending to this movie because on the current trajectory we're on, I know the ending to this movie.

We've both seen it. It doesn't end well and it's not going to be any different this time. So when I remove myself, I'm not saying, get out of here, here go to your room I'm leading him hey I'm going to go for a walk I'm going to go get started on dinner here's my proposal for you take a minute to think about this because I like giving space I don't like doing you know what think about your reaction think about your actions right now young man man. Well, that never works. So take a couple minutes while I go and start on dinner and think about this. You have two choices. One, we can continue down this path, which always leads to basically your own destruction. Or we could do this.

I love those critical thinking skills. I love the creativity. I love what critical thinking skills. I love the creativity. I love what a good problem solver you are. I love your persistence. I like how bright you are. We can use that. We can use that. You also have a really good heart.

I know that as well. Now, inside you're thinking toward other people, but not me. So here's my proposal. If you want to come help me with dinner or come help me walk the dog, I bet we could come up with three different ways for you to earn some money in the neighborhood, in the home community. And with that money that you earn on Saturday morning, we could go down to GameStop and you can spend your own money buying that video game. Just let me know after a couple minutes what you want to do. And I remove myself and give the child

space to think about this. Now here's why I like it. Because I'm giving wisdom. Son, I know it's about to happen. It's not going to end well for you. I'm not threatening you. I just know because I'm the giver of wisdom in my home that this is how it has worked the last 43 times we've done this. See, now you're starting to teach them about life and you're diagnosing. You're not saying like, you know, video games are stupid. It's going to rot your brain, right? Now I can believe that inside. And if you really believe that inside, then why are you giving your child screens in the first place? You know what I mean? If you really believe that, it's like, hey, don't do cocaine. Right?

But here's a little bit of blow because I know it'll keep you busy and it'll relax you. And we need you to just be quiet for a little while. I'm kidding. But it's kind of not. So I'm saying, look, I've got to go get started on something else. And what I'd like you to do is problem solve and think. And I'm going to give you some ownership over a different way to do this. And now, instead of knocking the child, why can't you ever just listen? Now, I've just identified

he's got really good critical thinking skills. He's persistent. He's a good problem solver. He's got a big heart. And he probably also likes money. So if you want to use those traits, oh man, I'm all over that. See, my no is always not going to happen now. Nope. You can keep talking to me like that. I'm not going to react. I'm just going to let you know that at the end of the day, what happens is you're not going to go to GameStop and you're going to lose all the other video games. So there's no energy. I'm not making it personally. I don't hate you. I'm not going to tell you this is all your fault, that if you would just learn how to control your mouth,

I don't need to do any of that stuff. That's all petty. It's immature. What I'm saying is, I know what you want, right? Intensity. We talk about intensity a lot. I know what you want. That new video game you want is actually really cool. It's not happening tonight. But what I also know about you is you're persistent, a good thinker, a problem solver with a big heart and you like money. So here's another option that doesn't involve us arguing, yelling, and you in tears losing everything. If after two minutes or five minutes or in 15 minutes or in three hours from now, if you want to come down and help me with dinner or walk a dog or play a board game, I will brainstorm with you three different ways for you to earn money to then be able to go on

Saturday and buy that new video game. And I've just shown the child a new way, a different way to handle this. And I've invited this child into my world. And I said, if you want to handle it this way, I'm going to give you my energy and I'm going to problem solve because I see good things in you and I bet we can come up with a solution. But if you're just intent on losing all your stuff, keep going down that other path. Does that make sense? Now you're teaching. Now you're building the relationship. Please realize good discipline will always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship with your child. I don't expect your child to say, Dad, Mom, you're so filled with wisdom. Let's do it this way this time.

But over time, what they learn is, yeah, that other way just never leads to anything good. But when I do go for that walk and I do help my mom with dinner and I do use these skills in a positive way, it usually leads to a better solution. And over time, whether your child is three, because look, three-year-old, this isn't going to, you can't use all of this language, but you kind of can because it's still about your tone and it's still about leading your child and giving them wisdom. And we can apply this to tantrums. I can apply it to a three-year-old and a 13-year-old, right? So work on this. Really work on it. Work on yourself. If we can help you, I encourage you. We go through dozens and dozens of situations like this on our programs that we

have. On the downloads, you get them as instant downloads. By the way, if you get our stuff as instant downloads, you can download our programs, all of these on stopping defiance and disrespect and stopping power struggles and one for dads and moms and their CD for kids and for ADHD and for motivating your kids and disciplining your kids. When you get these as instant downloads, you get them on multiple devices and that lasts forever, right? If you get a new device, you just email Casey. You're like, hey, I bought your stuff and he'll look up your order and then we'll send it back out to you and can download it on your phone wherever you want. You can share it with your spouse. Let your kids listen. Use this time where you're home all day. Play these things for your kids to listen to.

There's no secrets in here. Play this podcast for your relentless arguer and say, what do you think about that? I'm sure he's not going to love it at first because he's going to be like, why didn't that guy tell you? Just give me whatever I want. And you'd be like, uh, because Mr. Jagger was right. And you can't always get what you want. And because I actually love you. And all the other parents in the neighborhood who give their kids everything are horrible parents and don't love their kids. But you got lucky and you have a parent who has a backbone and who actually loves his child and is more interested in doing what's right for my child than doing what's comfortable and easy for me. Now, don't go and tell your child

your friend's parents don't love them because a strong-willed child is going to go to his friends and say, my mom and dad said that your parents don't love you. And then you're going to get a call and you're going to be like, yeah, I actually stick by that. Stop buying your kids everything because you're costing me a lot of money. Kind of kidding with that. But anyway, if we can help you in any way, reach out to us. Go to CelebrateCalm.com. We've got that big sale going on.

We can customize it for you. We can help you in any way. But build a relationship. Turn the negatives into positives. It's a cool thing when you learn to do this. Love you all. Talk to you anyway, but build the relationship. Turn the negatives into positives. It's a cool thing when you learn to do this. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.