Calm Parenting Podcast - Have A Relentless Arguer? Use This Script.

Episode Date: April 17, 2022

Get Everything Spring Sale: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You receive 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Click here to learn more: https://celebratecalm.com/calm-2022/ Want to talk with Kirk directly and come up with a game plan for your family? Kirk will work with you individually, or together with your spouse, to get you on the same page and help with the toughest parenting situations you haven’t been able to solve. These calls are a game-changer.  Click here to learn about mentoring packages.  Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Abbreviated Transcript Do you have a relentless arguer? A kid who always has to prove his point, so relentless that he ends up yelling, being disrespectful, and getting in trouble because he just can’t stop? Most of our discipline is more about our own frustration and threatening consequences, but it never changes anything. Instead, look at these situations as opportunities to teach your child new skills and build a closer relationship. So let’s say your child demands that you take him somewhere. “That’s not happening this afternoon” or a simple, “No” said in an even tone is much better than trying to explain yourself or convince your child why you are right. But your child doesn’t take no for an answer (great quality for a salesperson!). So he’s going to come after you. You’ll go to your bedroom, double lock the door, and he’ll climb through the second floor window because he’s persistent! So let’s use this as an opportunity. “Son, I have seen this movie scene unfold in our home 63 times this month. When I say no, you are persistent and argue using your great critical thinking skills. But the scene always ends with you saying disrespectful things, losing your video game time, and in tears. So here are your two options now: 1) “You may continue arguing, but it’s not going to end the way you want. But here’s another option you may like better.  2) “I admire your persistence and critical thinking skills. Those qualities will serve you well in life, and especially in sales. I also know you have a big heart and you love making money. So here’s a way that you can rewrite the ending to this movie scene. “I need to go get started on dinner/laundry. When you’re ready, if you come join me (creates movement and space, with an invitation to problem solve), I bet we can brainstorm three different ways for you to earn money in this neighborhood. That way, you get to use all your great qualities to earn money, pay for your own games, and even donate some money to charity. Give that some thought.” This gives your child time to think and process the disappointment, but it also gives him an out, another option that he has some ownership/control of.  There's no berating the child: "Why do you ALWAYS argue about everything? Why aren’t you EVER grateful?" Those are words of frustration from parents that solve nothing and shame the child. That has become your pattern or habit: child messes up, you yell or give consequences. But now you are now TEACHING instead of SHAMING, showing your child another way, seeing the good traits in the midst of meltdowns.  THIS will become your new habit, your new pattern. As you listen to the Get Everything Package on the new app, THIS will become your new automatic response. You’ll break those old negative reactions and begin responding in a way that builds your child’s confidence AND your relationship. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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one of those kids too. His name's Casey. And if you ever need anything from us, reach out to him at Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at celebratecalm.com. Tell us about your family, your kids, what you struggle with. We're probably familiar with it. You you know why because there's a million other families we've worked with that struggle with the same things and so did we so we will reply to you personally and very quickly with specific strategies and tips and insights if you need help with any of our resources uh i would get the get everything package why because you get everything we've ever created and it will really change your family but if you need help with anything, just let Casey know and we'll help you out. So here's what I want to talk about today. That relentless arguer. Because just

like with defiance and disrespect, relentless arguing, just about everything, I see these as opportunities to build a closer relationship with your child, to show your child that you have the wisdom and tools to help him or her, and to actually teach your child something, right? Because most of our discipline ends up being, I'm frustrated with you. Why can't you do what I say? And if you don't listen, you are going to lose X.

And it never changes anything. Discipline means to teach. So let me use this example. Look, there are a hundred variations of this, but let me use the example, and then you can take it and take the principles, take some of the language and put it into practice today when your child relentlessly argues with you. So let's say, this is a common example. I come home from work and there are cases waiting for me. And because he's a very direct kid, knows what he wants, says, dad, you need to take me to the video game store. And I'm like, wait, hold on. Here's the deal. I don't do demanding. So not going to happen. Look, I like, I don't use a lot of words.

I don't try to convince kids that I'm right or that they're wrong because that doesn't work with any human beings. I wouldn't respond with, you know what? You already have all these video games. You don't even play because your child's never going to say, oh, mom, dad, listen, thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten that I already have so many of these and I forgot to be grateful. It's just not going to happen. So when I say no, it's even, matter of fact, no drama.

Just let me know. That's just not the way that I roll. Not going to happen. So what's going to happen? My son, your son, your daughter is going to come after you. And so you're going to walk away. You picture this. You go upstairs.

You go to your bedroom. You double lock your bedroom door. And they go outside, climb up through the second floor window, and come in. And they keep going and going. And that's because they're relentless. And it's actually a great quality if you can harness that. So what in reality happens is they keep going and going. And they have all these great reasons because they're very good critical thinkers, right?

They're good and they know what your argument is going to be. They know your reasons and they've already overcome that in their brains. And they just keep going. And what happens is they go too far. They demand things. When you continue to say no, they call you names and they end up losing everything they own, right? Like that's how it normally works. So let's replay this, and let's say that that does happen, and that child does follow you, comes in through the second floor window, and is just full bore on.

Here is one of my favorite tools for that. So you know I like to talk to kids like they're adults and I don't care if they're 5 or 9 or 15 or 25. Talk to them the same way like adults. Hey son, look, you've got two options here. Two options. Here's how this scene usually unfolds, right? Or I may make a movie analogy. A lot of your kids like movies, so I try to talk their language. I have seen this movie scene unfold in our home about 63 times already this month. Here's how it works. I come home from work. You're ready for me. You want something. You demand it of me. I say no because I don't do demanding, right? I walk away, you follow me, I continue to say no, and you keep going and going and going. And eventually what happens, son, every time is that

you get frustrated and disappointed, and out of that disappointment, you begin to get upset, and you call me inappropriate names. You begin to demand even more. You begin to threaten me or say things that you know aren't right. And what happens at the end of the scene every time is you don't get what you want. You end up losing your other video games that you already have. And it just doesn't work for you. It's just not working. So two options. You may continue to do that if you want. I just want you to know it's not going to end the way that you want and you will still end up disappointed and you'll end up losing all of your other video games. I don't think you want that outcome. See there's a little bit of this where look all of

this is I'm giving wisdom and tools. I'm reading the scene. I'm setting the table and saying, here, I know. I've watched this unfold. I know what's about to happen because your child doesn't necessarily because they're so impulsive, which is, by the way, which they should be because you want impulsive children. You just don't want to marry an impulsive spouse who's 35 or 40 and makes really bad decisions then. They're supposed to be impulsive, and they're caught up in the moment. They've got their brain figured on, I really want something, and so they get hyper-focused on it.

And so I get that. That's where they're supposed to be. But I can see how this works, and I'm giving them wisdom of like, look, I've seen this unfold. This is how it happens and it's not going to end up well for you. See, I'm advocating for my child in a sense saying, I can show you a better way. So, son, here's second option. Here are a couple things I noticed about you. One, you're really, really persistent because when you want something, oh, you go after it. Two, really good critical thinking skills. Man, all day at school today,

you were already anticipating all of my objections to taking to the video game and you'd already overcome them. It's a great trait. By the way, it's going to be a great trait. If you ever go into sales, man, you can make a lot of money with these trades. It's an awesome thing. Now, when you pull this out on me and try to convince me and pressure me and demand from me, well, it works against you. But here are a couple of other things I know about you. You've got a big heart because I've seen it toward other people and you love money. You're like a born entrepreneur entrepreneur so I've got an idea here's a way that you can rewrite the ending to this movie see I like that analogy this is the way the script usually runs and you end up crying in trouble losing all your stuff not happy you son daughter, have an opportunity to rewrite the ending to this movie, to rewrite a

different scene. I'm going to go downstairs now and get started on dinner. If you want to come and grab me in a little bit, I bet we could brainstorm three or four different ways for you to earn some money because you know what that would do for you? You could use those critical thinking skills, right? You can use that great insight into people. You can use that persistence. Those are all qualities you could use in starting your own little business,

providing a service in this community or even doing a service project. And with that money, you could buy your own video games. And if you would put your energy and all of those skills into doing something constructive like that, guess what? Saturday morning, I'll run you over to the video game store. Now, I don't have to agree to that but I can if he does this and so I walk away give my child space to begin to own how they want the movie to end and they have a very clear choice there's no threats there's no general stuff why can't you ever just take no for an answer by the way great

trade for a salesperson why do you always, why can't you be grateful? Well, what if they walked around and said that to you? Because none of us are as grateful as we should be, right? It's just, those are all generic words of frustration that don't solve anything and end up just shaming the child instead of saying, you've got a very clear path. Option number one, not going to work for you. Just not going to work. Never has. Not going to work this time. Option two though, man, I like that because I'd love to problem solve with you. I bet we'd come up with some ways to make some money, buy your own video games, give some money to charity. I've got some ideas for you. So you

want to come join me in the kitchen? Oh, we can do some business, my friend. We can problem solve. And I'm inviting in. I'm teaching the child. Instead of just shaming, I'm using the very skills that they're exhibiting in a negative way, in a positive way. That's how I want you to handle just about every situation. You hear the defines. You hear the disrespect. You hear the demanding nature. You hear the arguing. And instead of reacting to it and shaming with some vague general comments, you begin to see what's really going on. And you pinpoint and identify the good traits in there. And you say, I've got a different idea, a different way to handle it,

a different way to rewrite the ending of the scene. I need to go do X. Why? Because that gives you a little bit of space. It gives them a little bit of space to think and process because space is really important. I'm talking really fast, aren't I, right now? So I'm doing it because I get really excited about this because the process doing this leads to such a much better outcome. And see what, look, one of the reasons we, I like this is because once you get it, and it's one of the reasons I want people listening to the Calm

Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package is because as you listen to these programs that we have on the app, we go into great detail and you begin to really get it and it becomes more natural. And see, once this process kicks in, look, it's a new habit that you have. The old habit is my child yells, complains, whines, demands, argues with me, and I react and I bark out consequences and it all blows up every time. That's a habit that you have. It's a pattern in your home. And so when you begin listening and internalizing this, you develop new patterns, new habits, and this becomes very natural to you, just as screaming and yelling is natural now. And it always leads to a better outcome. So let's practice that this week. Practice this process, the tone of voice

and problem solving. It's really, really cool how it works. And I know this is really hard with these kids, but I believe that you can do it. So if we can help you reach out to a master arguer, our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com. Let us know how we can help you. We thank you for sharing the podcast. And hey, we love you and appreciate how hard this is. And just let us know if we can help.