Calm Parenting Podcast - How Can I Get Through To My Child?
Episode Date: March 21, 2022Get Everything Spring Sale: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You receive 35 hours of practica...l strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Click here to learn more: https://celebratecalm.com/calm-2022/ Want to talk with Kirk directly and come up with a game plan for your family? Kirk will work with you individually, or together with your spouse, to get you on the same page and help with the toughest parenting situations you haven’t been able to solve. These calls are a game-changer. Click here to learn about mentoring packages. Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY! PS: If you live in Texas, Indiana, or Michigan, we have discounted dates available! :) Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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saying things like, what is it going to take to get
through to this child? What do I have to do to get him to understand you can't keep making these bad
choices? Well, if you've ever said that, you're not alone. And I'm glad you're here because that's
what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This
is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at Celebrate Calm. If you need any help, email our strong-willed son,
about whom I said this very thing for years until I finally learned to see the situation
differently. His name's Casey. C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Let us know about your family,
what you're struggling with, ages of your kids. We will get together, talk about it,
reply to you personally. If we can help you with any of our products, resources, reach out to Casey.
He'll help you with that or just find him on celebratecalm.com. So here's the situation.
You've got a child who consistently makes bad choices, right? Doesn't play well with others,
lashes out when things don't go his way, gets mouthy towards you. And he's a smart kid and he knows
better. And you're exasperated. You're at your wits end. So you begin asking, what can I do to
get through to this kid? And so what we usually try is lecturing as if we're going to reason
our way to this, right? That he's going to say, oh, mom, dad, listen, you're so filled with wisdom.
Now I realize
it's just a behavior issue and I just need to make different choices. It's not going to happen,
right? Or we yell at the child because we're like, look, we're trying to do consequences. That doesn't
work. So we've got to yell to get through to him. Well, apparently that's not working either. So
maybe you're looking at this through a distorted prism because what people will tell you,
therapists, the schools, they'll say, oh, this is a behavior issue.
Well, let me ask you this question.
This is a little bit pointed and we don't do blame or guilt, but here's an honest question.
You still react to your child.
You still yell when your child doesn't do what you ask.
Was that a behavior issue on your part?
Do you just need to make a different choice?
What if I threatened you with consequences?
You know what, mom and dad?
Either you stop yelling and reacting,
or I'm going to take away your screens for the week, right?
But the truth is you're already facing worse consequences now, aren't you?
And it still doesn't change things.
Think about the consequences of
your actions now. You have a child whose spirit is crushed. Maybe the dispirited child who feels
helpless, feels awful about himself, right? You've got your own regrets for not being able to control
yourself as you stand over a child and yell, right? And now you've got maybe the beginning of a damaged relationship and still you haven't changed your child's behavior.
So you've experienced consequences, but you keep yelling and reacting.
You know it's wrong, but it still hasn't changed.
See, you don't need consequences.
It's not just a behavior issue.
You need tools. And in the next
podcast that I do, I'm going to give you tools to actually help your child. So this is kind of a
two-part podcast. By the way, Casey asked me to remind you, if you like these podcasts, please
share them on your social media. Share them with friends. We want to help more people. So you need tools just like your
kids do. So here are some tools for you to begin changing how you respond to your child. Number one,
you need to change your perspective, right? You're not looking at a kid who just wants to make your
life miserable. It may seem like that, but you're looking at a kid who feels helpless to change. After all, why would a child
continually choose to be yelled at and lose all of his privileges, right? Number two, this is going
to hurt a little bit, no blame, no guilt, but think about it this way. Instead of being the offended
authority figure who takes it personally, you see this as an opportunity to be the
confident leader who gives your child wisdom and tools to change. We'll get to
that next time. Let me repeat that one. Right now you're kind of the offended
authority figure and you're taking it personally. I can't believe that my child
would talk to me like this. I never did that this to my parent. Instead I want
you to be the confident leader who leads, who is the respected
person that your child comes to at all stages of his or her life knowing, oh, my mom's got my back,
my dad's got my back, they know how to handle me, they can handle me at my worst, so I'm going to
bring them my issues so they can give me wisdom and tools, not give me shame and consequences all the time.
Number three, you need to replace the yelling with a new behavior, a new routine.
Remember, we've talked about it with your kids before.
Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, you say yes to something appropriate.
It's not just about saying, stop doing this. So what can you begin
doing differently? One, you can begin sitting when you get upset. I know that sounds so simplistic,
but I like simple things because they actually work and because you can do that in the course
of your busy life. When you sit down, when you're upset, it changes your body posture,
changes the interaction. So you're not putting it changes your body posture, it changes the interaction
so you're not putting your child on the defensive, it changes your tone of voice.
So you begin to talk to your child like an adult in a situation, like you're actually
in control of yourself and you can see the situation from a mature standpoint and use
this even matter of fact tone that says, I've got it, everything's good.
See in the moment, what do we usually yell?
How many times do I have to
tell you? Which, by the way, is a very demeaning phrase. It means basically, you're an idiot,
right? And it puts the child on the defensive. We say, what's it going to take to get through to you
that you can't do this anymore? And we're kind of flailing. So instead, let's do the following. Let's use a confident low key tone that's
short and sweet, right? Hey son, I heard you yelling at your mom. Listen, it's not
happening in my home. I know you know that's wrong and I expect more from you.
That's a very nice short and sweet. I was just doing a phone consultation and I
love doing the phone consultations because we can do very,
very specific scripts. And for each situation, I was talking to a family from, they were from like
the New Jersey, Long Island area. And for whatever reason, it popped in my mind, like,
how does the mob boss talk, right? That scares you. If the mob boss is losing his mind, like,
if you don't stop doing this, Vinny,
I'm just going to come after you. You're not afraid of that guy because he's clearly not
even in control of himself. It's the guy that does the low-key, hey, just warning you, Vinny,
you get one more chance. Now, don't act like a mob boss with your kids, dads. that's not what I just said. I'm saying that confident tone that's short and sweet
is very, very, is very helpful and very grounding for these kids. Then I want you to lift your child
sights higher, to achieve a higher goal, to aspire to a higher, greater attribute rather than just saying, stop doing A or B, right? So here's an
example. Hey, listen, I know you want to have more grown-up privileges. Well, that means that you
begin demonstrating that you're more mature by handling situations differently. Look, I know
yelling at your mom, that's not working, but I bet I could show you how to handle your frustration, your anxiety,
your disappointment better so you don't yell at your mom and lose out on all of those more grown
up privileges you want. See, I want to lift a child up to, hey, I've seen you. You want to be,
you told me you want these privileges. You want to do some more grown-up things. Well, listen, we got
to start doing that together. And now here's the linchpin that will finally get this to happen.
Be vulnerable and honest with your kids and begin to change yourself. This is what ultimately
changed my relationship with Casey. When I went to him and said, Casey, I need to apologize to you.
You've watched me get frustrated when things don't go my way. And I usually react by yelling
and getting upset. And I'm sorry for teaching you that. So I'm going to begin working on changing
myself. And you don't have to do this, but I did this with Casey and I said Casey I don't even always know that I'm
yelling and lecturing you when you see me doing that getting upset can you just give me a code
word so I can begin catching myself because see that was helping me with my self-awareness and
what I told Casey is I bet we can help each other because neither of us wants to do this it's not
right doesn't feel good inside and And I was just being honest. And
parents are always like, oh, well, you're admitting that it's your... Of course I am, because it's not
like your child's going to be like, mom, dad, I never realized that you yelled and got upset all
the time. They know it. You're being honest. You're owning your own stuff. And here's the key. When your kids see you change, they will change.
When you begin to own it yourself and model for them how to handle frustration without losing it,
you will have shown them how to control themselves and handle frustration and disappointment life.
You'll have modeled it for them.
See, that's what discipline is. It means
to actually teach, means to show. That is the greatest lecture. You changing yourself. And the
ultimate thing that's awesome is you will have broken these generational patterns.
It probably came down from your own mom and dad. So when your kids grow up, they don't have to struggle with the same issues
you have. You will have broken those patterns. You will have demonstrated it. And when you change,
your kids will change more quickly. I want you to focus on that this week. Are you ready to learn
how to do this step by step? If you are, reach out to us. Reach out to Casey. Look, my recommendation is you go
on the website. You get to get everything packaged. It's basically the cost of one trip to a therapist's
office, but we literally walk you through 35 hours worth of practical strategies on how to control
yourself, how to give your kids tools. Anyway, go look it up.
Reach out to Casey.
It will change your life.
So let's do that this week.
If you have any questions, reach out to Casey.
Casey at CelebrateCalm.com.
Thank you for listening.
Love you all.
Bye-bye.