Calm Parenting Podcast - How I Almost Ruined My Relationship With My Son

Episode Date: April 17, 2024

How I Almost Ruined My Relationship With My Son One of the big turning points for me was hearing my son say, “I feel like I can never please you. I feel like I constantly disappoint you.” You have an opportunity to avoid the same mistakes I made. Learn how to motivate kids in ways that build their confidence and competence. Get an exclusive 15% off your first OneSkin purchase using the code KIRK when you checkout at https://oneskin.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So here's one of the ways that I almost destroyed my relationship with Casey. It was little stuff. Casey would do something not up to my standards. And because I had control issues and I know how things are supposed to be, and you do everything with excellence, son, and how are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't follow through on simple instructions? It just seemed like I was never happy with him. And nothing I just said was

false or wrong. It's just that it isn't motivating. It doesn't work. It destroys a kid. So Casey would disappoint me, which wasn't hard. And I'd stand a few feet away and just slowly shake my head in disappointment. Just that small little body posture, subtly shaking my head in disappointment. And I thought I was communicating, hey, your dad's disappointed. You should do it a different way. Do better. And what Casey told me

a few years later was this, dad, all I felt was demeaned, like I was an utter failure and disappointment. And the truth is that you sent the message that you never really accepted me, that I was constantly disappointing you and so I just gave up. And that's when we were at the lowest point of our relationship. It was a simple shaking of my head and it nearly destroyed my son, his confidence in our relationship. And that was all about my control issues, right? This is this way I've always done it. By God, it served me well and you should do it that way as well. And that was all about my control issues, right? This is this way I've always done it. By God, it served me well, and you should do it that way as well. And I fell into that trap that we often do as parents of thinking my job is to walk around catching our kids doing things wrong, or what I perceived as wrong, even though I later realized sometimes they were just preferences, right? So my job is to walk around catching kids doing things wrong and then correcting your kids. Look, no one likes to be corrected, especially all the time. It's like

piling dirt on top of someone. It suffocates their spirit and their will. Until I finally realized my job was to give him wisdom and tools so that he could be successful, then affirm him for his good choices and attributes. And I learned how to correct. Well, I don't like the word correct. It's called teach because discipline means literally to teach. I learned how to discipline my son by teaching him, by showing him how to do things differently. I'd come alongside him, right, as opposed to up against him. I need to oppose and confront my son about his behavior. That doesn't work with human beings. So I come alongside my son and patiently say,

hey, here's another way to do that. Why don't you try that and see how it works? So I'm going to ask you to do these things in a different way and just be honest about things that just aren't working, right? Some of you just talk too much. You can't or won't stop. And I'm not going to lecture you about that. But I will tell you that it's a seriously bad thing to do that provokes a strong-willed child to anger. Some people I've worked with over the years just dismiss it. Well, I'm Italian.

Okay, nice excuse for ruining your relationship, right? Do the work. And I ask, why do you feel compelled to continue going on and on? Ask men, why do you feel compelled to prove your point to your wife, to your kids, to your friends, right? And that's the difference, right? When you feel compelled, there's no peace in it, right? Something else is your anxiety, your control issues that are kind of compelling and forcing you to do it. You feel compelled, anxious to talk and share and control. See, when I'm teaching, my tone of voice changes. See, I'm sharing wisdom and perspective. I'm putting it in the child's court. I'm not trying to own my child's behavior. I'm saying, hey, this isn't going to work well for you. So here's a different way. Why don't you try that? Hey, Case, here's some perspective, some things I've learned in life. When I do things

like this, people tend not to respond well to it. So you may take a, maybe take a different route there. So I'm teaching, I'm sharing wisdom, but I'm not feeling compelled to get in there and do it. I hope you can hear the difference in that because see, that's teaching without me being overly involved and overly, see, here's the difference. I don't need my child to do that differently. I don't need him or her to behave. And when we take that pressure off, then they usually receive it better and they usually implement it better. See, look, I don't do blame. I don't do shame, guilt, fear. I just like honesty, right? We have to get control of this or things just won't change in your family. So I encourage you, if you've got the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything programs we have, go through the 30 Days to Calm program first and just work through the programs.

It will change your family. So think about this, what irritates you? I want you just to sit in it. Let it irritate you, but don't try to fix it or change it. See, start to differentiate between qualities that are simply irritating and those that are truly important. The problem is, as a parent, is you're going to think everything has long-term consequences. Look, here's some old guy wisdom, especially the young parents and parents of young children. You're going to think every single choice your child makes is going to determine whether they're going to be successful in life.

Not true. It's not true. And I want to relieve that pressure from you of thinking you have to correct every single thing, especially those of you who have grown up in especially more conservative religious circles, Christian circles. Man, you've got to correct that. You've got to start that early. You've got to correct every single thing they do. You will suffocate your child. You will no longer enjoy your life. You will not enjoy your child because you're going to be so busy correcting every single

little thing that happens. And the truth is kids are supposed to misbehave. I know people push back, no, they're not supposed. Yeah, they are. That's their job description, is to figure things out and do things wrong and try it their own way and make mistakes and be impulsive. See, I want little kids to be impulsive. I don't want 38-year-old guys to be impulsive, right? That's what childhood is for, to be a child. And some of you are imposing your 40-year-old adult standards on a child. So I'm not saying let them get away with things. I am actively involved teaching, okay? But that's not correcting every little thing that they do. And by the way, the best way that I teach my kids is by modeling it for them. I've said this a million times, but it is those lectures we give. You know, it's really

important for us to be giving and for us to be, right, to tell the truth. Well, of course it is. We'll just live like that, right? But nobody wants to be lectured about the need to do this and that. Just live it. Relax a little bit. If you have little kids, realize every day, if they're not getting in trouble for doing five or six things wrong, then they're boring kids. I'm just kidding, but they're supposed to. So just relax a little bit. Right? So part of the problem is we think that everything has long-term consequences. And so your parental anxiety projects into the future. So you think that an unmotivated middle schooler who sits in a hoodie sweatshirt for 17 straight days playing video games, you're going to think he's always going to be that way. So you project

into the future and you're thinking like, who's going to marry this child? Who's going to hire this child? Or is he going to be living in our basement until he's 27? No, they're going to change. But here's the downside of that. You begin lecturing that child and pointing out every single thing that middle schooler is doing wrong or not doing right because he's not applying himself enough in school. Because if you would just apply yourself and do your best, you would be able to get all A's and you are going to create so many power struggles and you're going to ruin that child's confidence. So work on your own anxiety. It's like getting the call from preschool. If you have a strong willed child, you are getting calls from preschool. Your daughter will not follow directions. Of course she's not. Because when you're five or six or even seven, your highest

priority is not following arbitrary directions of an adult. I know some of you bristle at that, but that's human nature. It's the way it's supposed to be. Their highest mode of being right now is they have an imagination and creativity and they wake up with an agenda. It doesn't mean you let them do whatever they want. I don't let them have whatever they want. Oh, eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Here's money, here's toys. Not at all. But their job is to be curious and to explore and to get into things and be caught up in their imagination. And we as a society have really messed this up. We're expecting little kids now in preschool to operate like they're 35-year-old men and women, and they're not. So you're going to get that call because your son's not sitting still in circle time.

Well, who cares? It's an arbitrary standard. After you're six, you never have to sit still in a circle. Nobody at your office is like, hey, Frank, Susie, three o'clock in a conference room, circle time. It's an arbitrary standard. And so, right, your second grader won't follow classroom instructions and you project out in future and wonder how they're going to be successful in life. And then you get on them and they come home from preschool. Honey, we need to talk about your behavior in preschool because your teacher said, no, look, if your child's hurting other people throwing projectiles at the teacher then yeah you need to do something but if it's being if it's simple kid stuff protect your child's confidence and some innocence we did a lot of kid stuff as kids

and our parents didn't freak out about us doing kid stuff because they did the same stuff and worse. So, right? It's just that you think that daughter with the messy bedroom and bathroom is going to grow up to be a slob. And she won't, unless she's growing up in a home where you guys are slobs and you have stuff all over the kitchen table all the time. She'll probably, that'll be part of her DNA. But if you have a basically orderly home, she'll, when she grows up, just like our son, who is a slob, I was just at his house yesterday. It's spotless. Everything has a place. Why? It's his home. He grew up. He wants to impress his fiance. So he makes his house look nice, right? Just chill a little bit.

Because otherwise, everything you try is going to backfire and make it worse. And the more you lecture, the more your kids do what? Resist. The more you try to convince them of things, the less they believe. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. It's like the dad or mom who relentlessly gets on his kids because they don't do things the way he or she would have them done. These kids never internalize, wow, mom and dad, you are so brilliant.

You have figured out life for me already, so I'll just automatically do things the way you do it, and my life will be so easy. That's not what they're going to say, especially a strong-willed child who can think for himself or herself and who wants to experiment, touch the hot stove, and figure out things for themselves. Instead, here's what they are going to internalize. And please don't miss this.

I will never be able to please you, Mom and Dad, so why should he even try? Because my parents always say, nice job, but... And then I know, despite the forced smile, they aren't really happy with me. And that'll have long-term consequences. See, that has long-term consequences. This is a really good point. Whether your child can sit still in a circle time or whether your middle schooler applies himself and does his best work in eighth grade, that doesn't have long-term consequences. In fact, the middle

schooler who does the bare minimum to get by is actually a very strategically brilliant kid because here's what he knows. I don't care about my grades right now. Grades don't count in seventh and eighth grade. So if I don't care about it, why, and it doesn't matter, why would I put extra effort into doing something that I don't care about and it doesn't matter. See, that's a very, very bright kid, but that'll freak your anxiety out. What does matter long-term is how you respond to your kids. Because every response, and this is not a guilt thing for you, right? I don't want to be too heavy, but realize it's important. How you respond to your kids determines whether you're instilling confidence in them, a belief in themselves.

Because see, when you lecture a lot, what you're basically telling your kids is, you're not capable of doing this unless I'm here to show you and tell you and do it for you. And I don't want that to happen. So I encourage you, differentiate between what is your preference and what is a must do. Because most things in life come down to a preference. See, you may prefer to get work done right away. I prefer to procrastinate. I wait until the last minute, use that pressure and brain stimulation to focus and get it done.

We both got our work done. Your way may be more peaceful, but that's a preference because maybe I don't want peaceful. Maybe I like the brain stimulation. Maybe I like making things harder, right? I know that's hard for a lot of you. Like, why would you make things harder? Because I like the challenge because then when you get the challenge done, it's much more meaningful. So you can't go hardcore on your kids when it's just a preference for how things get done. Now, here's the difference. Hurting other people, siblings, parents, physically or emotionally, that's not a preference. That's right and wrong, right? That's a wrong. That's hurtful. That's not a, well, I just have a

preference for hurting people. No, that's not how it works. So learn to distinguish because if you double down on your way, it's going to cause your kids to resist and go the exact opposite way because they want and need autonomy. They need to figure out how to do things on their own, right? In their own way. And they need to own it. And you want this long-term moms and dads. You will hate it in a moment. You will hate this, but I'll tell you as an older parent, you're going to want this this my son has so much ownership of his life and it of his choices and figures things out It is a great quality. So let me give you a couple examples here of kind of how you handle this So there were many years where Casey and I would travel conducting live workshops

oftentimes two times a day for almost two weeks straight. We were on the road a lot. And it was a lot of working late. We'd go out to dinner afterwards. Then we'd get up early because we'd have a morning workshop. And by then, I was fairly regimented and fairly disciplined because I was 40. But Casey at the time was a teenager. So I've mentioned this. Stop projecting your 35 and 45 year old values and expectations onto a kid. They're kids. They're supposed to be mess up and impulsive and make mistakes now. So what would happen? I'd wake up at 6 a.m. sharp. Why? Because I'm an older guy. I wake up early. Put on my workout clothes on quietly in the dark and I would slip out of the hotel room so I didn't

wake Casey up. I go down. I get my get my workout in, I'd grab a quick breakfast. I'd come up to the room to shower so we could leave promptly at, say, 7.45 a.m. so we could arrive early to our morning event. And I always imagined Casey would be ready, fully dressed, prepping for the morning workshop when I walked into the room. But inevitably, there he would be, sitting up in bed, still in the hoodie that he slept in, right, mindlessly to me, texting friends or looking up stupid stuff on his phone instead of hopping into action. And I could feel the irritation inside of

me because after all, I'd gotten up early. I'd been productive. I took care of my physical exercise so my mind would be sharp. I ate a good healthy breakfast and I was right on time. And I expected my 13-year-old son to do the same. See, I was tempted to say like, hey, Case, do you want me to draw a bath for you? Want me to run the water? Because, you know, we have to get in the shower because you got to get ready. And remember, you've got to eat breakfast because if you don't eat breakfast and you're going to be hungry because the workshop's not going to be over till about noon by the time I get done with talking people for an hour afterwards and we're not going to eat till one o'clock. And all my anxiety would have dumped on him. So instead, I got in the shower,

I got ready and I focused on my business. And every single time, every single morning, this was for years, this was hundreds and hundreds of mornings, we left precisely on time at 7 45 a.m. Not once, not once was Casey ever late, but I still didn't like it. So I didn't like how he got ready in the morning. I didn't like how he did it. His way irritated me. And I spent more time fuming inside and kvetching over how he did or did not do things than simply going about my business. But then I'd go speak to parents about controlling yourself instead of your kids. And I'd have to admit in front of a group my hypocrisy to a crowd. And I eventually got over it. But what really changed was when I admitted this was my

issue, not his. And I released my son to be responsible for himself. So when I came back up into the hotel room after a good workout, I was refreshed, good energy, just ate something healthy. I'd walk into the room, compliment Casey on something he'd done the previous day. And I'd take 90 seconds to sit down next to him on that bed, even though I wanted him out of that bed, getting a shower, so he could be ready. But I'd sit and I'd ask him, hey, what's new with Ryan? That was a good friend he had, he kept touch with. Or hey, any fun videos this morning? And he'd show me. And sometimes I just had to act interested, even if I I wasn't because I'm entering into his world.

Then I give him a fist bump and I go get my shower. And over time, watch what happens. Things switched as he got a little bit older. When Casey began setting up the events and having direct contact with the hosts, he didn't want to disappoint them by not being at the event exactly 30 minutes early. So he'd be the one pulling up the car and texting, Dad, are you coming? Are you coming? And so many times I was the one who became late. And I'd just say, on my way. Was I really on my way? Not really. I needed a few more minutes. But I didn't want him to be disappointed in me like he had disappointed me.

So he had internal motivation to be ready early. And he had watched me getting ready early for years. Over time, guess what else happened? We began going to the gym together. And rather than controlling how he did his workout, I did mine and he did his. And guess what? Over time, his workouts have become way harder than mine and they still are. See that lazy kid in the stupid hoodie sweatshirt watching stupid Instagram videos and texting stupid stuff to friends and waiting until the last minute to get ready is now the highly motivated young man who gets to his own work events and ours early so that, quote, this is what he told me the other day, I like getting there early so I'm, quote, not stressed. See, and I still see him at our local gym.

I saw him this morning. And his workouts crush mine. So chill. Stop projecting out into the future. Your kids will change change stop imposing these adult standards on a kid I'll say one other thing stop being shocked the kids misbehave it's what kids have done since the beginning of time we all grew up with leave it to beaver which was a story of a dopey young kid who did stupid impulsive stuff every episode and then learned from it. Why? Because they do things wrong and

then you get to teach. It would be odd if your strong-willed child was perfect and said, of course, mother and father, it's my highest honor to do what you asked the first time. That would be weird. So release yourself from those unrealistic expectations and release your kids from those unrealistic expectations and released your kids from those unrealistic expectations. Okay, I'm going to give you another example here. So many years ago, we had these kids in our home. We had these camps and we had about 1,500 kids who came through our home over the course of a decade. Look, I have to admit, it was excruciating. Imagine trying to corral 15 strong will kids, many of them on the spectrum, all with selective hearing issues, who wasn't ready on time, right? Which was no biggie because they would have gladly sat and built with Legos for hours without peeing, eating, or anything else, right? By the way, a little interesting insight. I noticed

boys especially, maybe on the floor building with their Legos, kind of squeezing their legs together. And if I said, hey, you need to go use the bathroom, they would deny that they needed to and ignore me. So I'd walk up and I began whispering, hey, you know, your Legos will still be here when you get back, or I'll watch what you're building while you go. And they would immediately go pee and run back without flushing the toilet or washing your hands, right? Because kids are disgusting. It's their job description. So they would, look, some of you, look, if that triggered you, I understand. I want kids to have good hygiene and wash their hands and all of those things. But just know if that triggered you a lot, because I was kind of joking, you have to watch that because you're going to be so into that all the time.

Did you wash your hands? Did you wash your hands? Look, I'm into washing hands. I'm kind of a neat freak. But look, if they come to the dinner sometimes and their hands are a little bit dirty and it's them eating their own food. Now, I don't want to touch my food with those hands. Relax a little bit. Otherwise, you will become like mommy de. Now, I don't want to touch my food with those hands. Relax a little bit.

Otherwise, you will become like mommy dearest, and we don't want that. No more wire hangers. So they would go because I was addressing what was keeping them from peeing. See, they get so hyper-focused, and they don't want to lose that flow, and they also didn't want other kids, kids messing with what they had created. So instead of telling them what to do, I would just address that and say, it'll be here when you get back. So I began doing this experiment with these kids. I come into the living room and in a loud authoritative voice, I began coaxing them when we

need to go to the pool. Guys, it's time to go to the pool. I need everybody pick up your Legos, pick up everything you've built, whatever you're working on, go get your swimsuits on, put on sunscreen, grab your towel and line up by the front door now. And they all immediately obeyed and it went perfectly smoothly. Never, not once did that happen. As they predictably delayed and said, hold on, I just need to finish this, or acted like I wasn't even there, my voice would get louder and my tone sharper. Guys, I'm not going to tell you again, which was a lie. They knew better, right? Then I began with the threats and consequences, and I noticed my anxiety was bleeding onto them and creating chaos. It was miserable, just like at your home. So the next day I tried this. I didn't say word to the kids. I got up from

the floor, went and changed into my swimsuit. Then I started putting sunscreen on right in the living room and then I grabbed my swim towel. I put it around my neck and I sat by the front door. I just sat there and felt like an idiot, right? Because I didn't say a thing. I'm just sitting there by the door and all by myself just observing. And one by one, you know what I saw? The camp kids would get up and begin getting ready. Then they'd come sit with me. Why? Because kids are drawn to anyone who has time to sit and listen to them. When I'm sitting, it means I'm not going to yell at you. It means I'm going to listen. And so it was, I was drawing them. I was leading them. It meant I was going to ask them questions and be curious and connect with them. Look, it was so great.

We once had this kid whose parents flew him in. They flew from Finland to come to our camps. The only problem is that he'd swim naked and the lifeguard kept asking, is this one of yours? And I'd be like, yeah, it's how they swim in Finland. Okay, but so did all the kids put on sunscreen? No, I simply told them,

look, I don't need you to put on sunscreen. It's your skin. If you get burned, it's not going to hurt me at all. But if it gets burned and you can't sleep and it hurts and you can't go with us tomorrow to the zoo, then that's your issue. Just let me know if you need help. See, I'm putting it in their court. I'm allowing them to learn.

I wasn't going to let any of the kids die. So I know some kids won't follow. Well, Kirk, what about the kids who didn't get up and come and sit with you at the door? Well, that's why I use connection. Hey, come tell me about X that you're working on. Hey, what are you doing for your birthday? I connect with them, right? Because that leads to more compliance. That's why I give specific missions to counter anxiety. Oh man, Jacob, when we get to the pool, I could really use your help. Could you be in charge of X today at the pool? And that would often get them there. So I use tools, but what I want you to practice this week is doing it in a different way. What I quickly learned is that I could get kids moving more by controlling myself and by connecting than I could by lecturing and trying to control them. I never liked how any of these kids did anything, but I

realized it's not my job to make them into mini-me's. I just modeled how to do things and eventually they followed. So yeah, I know your child doesn't like to do things your way right now. Relax into it. Enter into that messy bedroom and instead of going in every day with an irritated voice lecturing about all you do for them and they can't even respect your home and clean up a little bit, just go sit next to your child. Tell them something they've done recently that impressed you. Use that term, that little phrase that we like, which is, man, I wish I was more like you. You're so independent. You're so creative. You're so not afraid to speak up. You're so assertive. And occasionally, not every day or five times in a row,

you can just say matter-of-factly, hey, look, if you want some help cleaning this up, just let me know. Now, a good mom asked me, hey, why do you say it that way instead of asking directly? Do you want some help with this? Because when you ask directly, it's a form of subtle pressure. These kids resist and it requires an answer. Hey, do you want some help with this? No, thanks. When I say, hey, let me know, it relinquishes control and initiative to the child, and I want them to own it. And what I've learned from these kids is if you put it in their court and let them own it, they do it much better. No matter what you tell a strong-willed child, they'll almost always just want to do the opposite. It could be like, hey, do you want a pound of chocolate right now, not do your homework?

No. And you're like, why? Because you suggested it. There must be some hope to it. I want to do it differently. But when you step back from controlling, micromanaging, lecturing your child, it gives your child space to step up and own their behavior. And I know you already have 18 situations where you're asking inside, well, what about, what about? And you can justify controlling and lecturing, but it doesn't work. And it's not good for your kids. There are always better ways to motivate your child.

So the real question today isn't what, what is your child going to do? It's what are you going to do to change? Now, this is a blame and guilt. It's not your fault. All these things aren't your fault. But what are you going to do to change? Because it's very liberating when you break your own negative patterns and then you get to see your kids respond differently to you. That's addictive. That's what changed my relationship with Casey. So today, tomorrow, and the next day, let's practice. Resist your control issues, your perfectionism, right?

Don't give in to your anxiety and stop lecturing. Breathe into it. Learn to enjoy your child's different ways of doing things. Embrace it. Affirm them for it. I like your creativity. I never would have thought to have done it that way. Watch how they begin responding differently to you. Take all that energy you have spent trying to control their behavior and instead focus that energy on simply controlling yourself. It will stop most of the power struggles. I guarantee you if you control yourself,

it'll stop most of the power struggles. Your guarantee you, if you control yourself, it'll stop most of the power struggles. Your child will respond differently. If you have our programs, listen first to the Stop Power Struggles with Your Strong Willed Child program because you'll get insight into how these kids think and act. It is foundational. And then go through the 30 Days to Calm program to learn how to control yourself. Let's do this now because after all, what we've been doing hasn't been working. Therapists usually don't get these kids. Most therapy for kids is, honestly, you're just wasting money because they talk to your kids and your child's like, I don't know. I don't know. And consequences don't work. So we've got to figure out how to get inside our kids' hearts. See, ownership works. It's a great way to motivate your kids. So step back, give your kids space to step up. If we can

help you with this, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. Bye-bye.