Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Avoid Embarrassing Meltdowns in Public & With Family

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Starting point is 00:00:57 Download Bumble and try it for yourself. So do you have kids who are more emotional? Their particular So do you have kids who are more emotional? Their particular little things kind of set them off? Whose meltdowns and defiance are not always predictable? And what works with other kids often backfires with our strong willed kids. And our kids are prone to melting down in public and around family, which is embarrassing. And we have several holidays coming up, which means tired kids not on their schedule, eating all kinds of junk in tough family situations and with you right in the middle. So how can you handle these common situations differently? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin,

Starting point is 00:01:48 founder of CelebrateCalm.com, where you can find all 35 plus hours of our programs in the final week of our special Black Friday sale. So how many of you experience this wonderful dynamic with your strong willed child? When out and about with one parent, here she is just great. You bond, you often have a lovely time. But now you add one other parent or a sibling and it's like a hundred eighty degrees down the wrong path. And you find yourself in public bribing, threatening first and hushed whispers and then kind of loud words in order to get your

Starting point is 00:02:26 child to just behave or calm down. And you're often caught in the middle trying to manage the emotions of your child and spouse. Then it feels like there's like this huge spotlight on you in the store, at church, at family get-togethers. We felt that all the time with Casey and I want you to know this is common and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent or it doesn't mean you've done something wrong unless you can't control yourself or you talk too sweetly. Right? We know that but it's common. So let me go through a couple real-world scenarios with some insight and strategies you'll likely get to use very soon. So first one, I think you'll be able to relate to this mom who emailed about her daughter and

Starting point is 00:03:17 I'll add some commentary, but her words are just perfect. She said, Kirk, we were at church. My youngest daughter had a smudge on her cheek. Without thinking, I did what moms have been doing since the beginning of time, went to clean off her cheek with a pad of my thumb. She pulled away and wouldn't let me touch her. Now the old me would have doubled down and insisted that she let me clean her cheek. We were in church. What if someone saw my less than perfect child and judged me? Doesn't she know how important appearances are? Doesn't she know I'm her mother and defiance is unacceptable? Look, we've all thought those thoughts before,

Starting point is 00:04:01 but this mom said I caught myself. She said, I've been working through your programs. I've learned not to take it personally. The old me would have corrected her sternly or side with disapproval, but I've learned she wasn't primarily being defiant. She was embarrassed, and here I was drawing even more attention to it. Plus like you said our kids are particular about sensory touch and don't like their privacy invaded because I don't like someone I don't want someone touching my face like that either. Quick aside you've noticed the old me would have corrected her sternly or side with disapproval. Even that side that we do that and kind of hanging our head, then what do our kids usually do? What? Why are you yelling at me? What's

Starting point is 00:04:58 wrong? See there's this feedback loop And so we can stop the negative feedback loop by controlling our cells. And that's what this mom was learning. So she said, what I have also learned is that this was about my anxiety and my embarrassment over her behavior. So I caught myself, and instead of forcing her to comply I leaned down and whispered in her ear, would you like to go to the bathroom and clean it off

Starting point is 00:05:31 yourself? And she nodded and whispered back, will you come with me? And in the bathroom we both giggled at what might have caused the smudge on her cheek. She cleaned it off, turned and gave me a big hug. And I think that hug was a thank you for respecting her, for not forcing my feelings on her. I'm finding that so many of these power struggles and meltdowns are being avoided because I am not reacting in the moment and making something into a battle of wills that doesn't have to be. So mom's dads who are working so hard at this like this mom kudos to you. That's that's brave, it's courageous, it's really hard. And so I just want to recap three things this mom did brilliantly. One, mom controlled herself, her anxiety, her embarrassment,

Starting point is 00:06:25 her expectations, rather than controlling her child. Keep working on this moms and dads. It is the key to everything, because these kids pick up on every single reaction of yours and it creates this feedback loop that escalates quickly, especially when there is embarrassment or shame involved for the child or yourself. Number two, mom gave her daughter some space and ownership to take care of the issue by herself. That question, hey would

Starting point is 00:07:00 you like to clean it off yourself? Brilliant. No one likes to be watched while they're struggling and our kids love their independence. Work on giving your kids ownership of their choices but always within your boundaries. It's just that we have to make our boundaries larger with these strong will kids. Again, you're not letting them get away with things. They don't get to do whatever they want, but I say, hey, I don't care how you get this done. Just do it within my larger boundaries and we relinquish some of that control. Look, it's hard because the mom in this situation, she

Starting point is 00:07:40 knew with one little swipe of her thumb, she could have gotten that smudge off. And with most kids, that would have been enough. Swipe, gone, done, the whole thing is over in half a second. But with our kids, that could have turned into a wrestling match in church with everybody turning around to look at you. But she turned it into a bonding moment. And that is awesome. Mom turned a potential power struggle into a bonding

Starting point is 00:08:12 moment with laughs and a hug. And this is what we're really after. It's a key benefit of having an emotional strong willed child. And I know this sounds funny when I say it, but these are huge opportunities to turn what usually separates us. And remember our narrative, our daughter is so difficult. She won't let me just wipe the smudge off her face. I don't know why. See all the negativity that usually kind of permeates our brains. But we turned what usually separates us into an encounter that brings us closer to our kids and fosters greater trust and that will pay off for decades. Good discipline should always lead to a closer more

Starting point is 00:08:57 trusting relationship and you'll hear that throughout the programs because it's essential. This will enable your kids to trust you when they're struggling through their teen years. And now I'm finding even through their adulthood. Okay, now onto situation number two, which I hope that you don't face, but you probably will. So you're gathered together with family, with your parents, brothers and sisters together with family, with your parents,

Starting point is 00:09:25 brothers and sisters, with their kids, your kids, and especially with your strong-willed son or daughter. And you're probably a little bit nervous and on edge because you hear some of those comments that are made or those judgments before. You've heard those before about your child who melts down who's super particular with clothes and food who acts out at restaurants and in school and you know your family thinks you just let your son or daughter get away with things so you just need to discipline harder but you've already done all the things that everybody says right you've

Starting point is 00:10:03 been firm consistent you followed through you've already done all the things that everybody says, right? You've been firm, consistent, you followed through, you've tried consequences, and it just hasn't worked. And the story I'm about to tell is actually just what happened with us and our family in almost every get-together. So it's kind of very personal because you've heard this, your family's already pressuring you and talking about your strong-willed child. And our family, they'd even goad Casey a little bit because what? They knew he was the different one. And it's almost like there was this dynamic where they would take things out on him because they were mad at us for not taking more drastic measures like we were being We weren't being good parents so it's like they were going to step in with our son and do it differently and They knew that he struggled right they knew he was the one who didn't play as well with the cousins

Starting point is 00:10:59 The one who wasn't sitting on grandma's lap the one who wasn't being fawned over by the grandfather and uncles because of his good grades and athletic prowess. Right? He was often just sitting alone building something really complex and actually completely content. If everyone would just stop comparing him or trying to get him to be like them. Or maybe you have a daughter like this who's just maybe in her own world or she's more grown up but she doesn't always do things

Starting point is 00:11:31 the way that your family wants her to do. And so while the cousins are outside playing, our son was inside by himself. So what's going to happen next? So are you missing someone this holiday season and want them to be part of your get-togethers from afar? Do the grandparents or loved ones live far away but wish they could be close to you? We've got the perfect gift for you. Skylight Frame is the touch screen digital photo frame your whole family will love.

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Starting point is 00:12:57 data roll over to the following month every month. At Fizz you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at Fizz.ca. You know what's coming next because you've probably lived this before. Your son, your daughter, they don't like turkey, yams and stuffing. They like the dinner rolls just fine, but nothing else. Sitting still at a stuffy table with good manners while everybody eats and engages in conversation. It's just not their strong suit.

Starting point is 00:13:24 So your child has begged you to allow him or her to eat some mac and cheese early and just keep building or creating while everyone else sits around that long table talking and joking or listening to Uncle Frank dominate conversation about himself or politics. And you've tried to convince your child, honey, it's just one meal a year. You don't even have to eat the turkey, just eat the dinner rolls and sit there for 45 minutes. But you know your child is never going to say, you're right, mom, I'll take one for the team so you're not embarrassed and don't feel like a failure in front of your judgmental

Starting point is 00:13:59 brother, sister-in-law, and parents. So you talk in hushed tones with your husband. Now this is how it worked in our home of my wife would come to me, honey it's just not worth it. Just just I'll feed him early. He can just sit downstairs building with Legos, being content. It'll be fine. But the husband, me, that this is me, I was afraid of being judged by my family for being soft and coddling that little kid. Because they were all talking to me like, are you gonna let him get away with things? When we were kids we didn't get to do that. All of those things that assault your heart and brain. So what is the dad going to do in this situation? Probably like me, he's going to double down.

Starting point is 00:14:46 So your husband charges away from you, heads towards your strong willed child who's happily playing by himself. And you know what comes next, tears, pleas, sobs. Mom, you said I could just eat early and not have to do this dumb Thanksgiving dinner thing. Why is dad making to do this dumb Thanksgiving dinner thing. Why is dad making me do this?" And once again, you're caught in the middle between an admittedly

Starting point is 00:15:12 challenging child who's sensitive with a big heart, but who does make things more difficult. And a husband or could be a wife. It could be reversed roles here, but in this case, it's a husband who isn't that great at controlling his own emotions. Not to mention being caught between your child and an entire cast of nine family members, all playing their part wonderfully in this drama that is sometimes sport to them but is deeply painful to you because each one of these family members has their own opinions on what you're doing wrong and how you're failing as a mom even though this is the one thing you care about and have worked harder at than anything in your life. It's Thanksgiving afternoon and you start to cry.

Starting point is 00:16:06 Maybe it's out loud or maybe it's inside. Why doesn't anyone understand you or your child? Why does everybody have to judge and pressure you instead of simply letting a kid eat and play by himself? And you know with 100% certainty that if you make your son sit at the dinner table, he's going to be corrected constantly by me, his dad, because that's what I used to do. Because I felt pressured to be tough in front of everybody else.

Starting point is 00:16:36 And that's not going to go well. And your son or daughter will react. And now tension will permeate the entire dinner table while everyone looks on with disapproval and disdain like they all did at Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. And it's that shame will kick in and the explosion will happen. And it's just you and your child against the world, both misunderstood, both second-guessed. And you can't eat, you can't enjoy your family or Thanksgiving.

Starting point is 00:17:10 And you just want to go home, curl up in the fetal position and not feel this judgment anymore. Why does it have to be so hard? And you're going to feel like you're going to have to apologize 18 times to your family and it still won't mean anything because sometimes people want to judge you because it makes them feel superior and better about their own lives and most of the time they just don't understand what it's like to have one of these kids and I want to encourage you moms and dads because it is hard. You're going to find yourself doing things that you promised you'd never do or you're gonna

Starting point is 00:17:49 second-guess yourself just to get through the day and that is very normal. And this was our experience when our son was young. I was that dad and that was how most holidays went with our family. So what did we start doing differently? Look, I had to wrestle with this idea for a couple years. Am I being too soft on this kid? Am I letting him get away with things? If I don't make him sit at the table and learn good manners, will he become an entitled brat who won't work hard in life? Right? Will he become an entitled brat who won't work hard in life? Is he gonna be able to go to business meetings

Starting point is 00:18:30 when he's an adult and handle these situations? These are all legitimate questions that will assault your head and your heart, usually right in front of people staring at you. So what are you going to do? Is this the time to teach your child, hey not everything is about you. You'll sit and you'll be polite because it's the right thing to do. Because there is a time and place for that. But here's what we decided. I began to learn how to read the moment and make distinctions but that was after I first learned how to control myself and not be swayed by everybody else because in the moment it's really hard and you get overwhelmed

Starting point is 00:19:19 and some of you get anxious, some of you freeze up, some of you just react. And so when I learned to slow my world down inside, and I know I mention this all the time, but being calm was not the end goal, it was a means to an end. It helped me slow my world down inside so that I could look more clearly at all of these situations and looking back on my life with Casey and these family situations, there are these pivotal moments and usually we kind of fall victim to just

Starting point is 00:19:55 reacting in the moment and it blows up and there's one moment and another moment and before long there are 17 different moments when I had blown up at my son and he was looking up at me like dad help me I'm just a kid I need my dad to help me and I wasn't helping him I was actually kind of against him in some ways so now many of your kids part of the reason they're they're they're a little bit older now and they have this anger inside this frustration was Their mom dad there were so many moments where I was looking to you for help and you weren't there for me you just reacted and blew up and after a while it just

Starting point is 00:20:38 Accumulates and so me slowing down allowed me in that moment to say no I'm gonna going to make the right decision I'm going to problem solve just like I do with the office Right because we'd make these decisions really well in other situations But with our own kids we tend to sometimes throw them on under the bus So here's the distinction I learned to make hey when you're going to your sister's recital, I know it's boring and you don't want to sit there, but this isn't about you.

Starting point is 00:21:12 It's about your sister. So you'll go and be supportive. And beforehand, we'll run around like crazy outside and proactively meet your sensory needs. If it's going to a baptism, a wedding, your grandmother's 75th birthday's going to a baptism, a wedding, your grandmother's 75th birthday party or a funeral, hey that's not about you. It's about something important to others and even if it's boring, you do that with a good

Starting point is 00:21:36 attitude because that's the gracious selfless thing to do and that's what we do as a family. See there are times for that but in this moment here's what's going on. We've been away from home for a couple days. Our son, your daughter hasn't slept well. Everyone is loud. Their schedule is off. My relatives keep weird food in the house. The cousins are the typically good kids so there's a lot of pressure. I am acting differently around family and so is my wife because we never know when that meltdown was going to come. Family members are unpredictable and judgmental. It's

Starting point is 00:22:16 Thanksgiving dinner. It's stuffy and formal and he doesn't like the food. And so what I would begin to think is this isn't the time to die on my sword just to make everyone else approve of me. And so like the mom in church, I'm not here to please everyone else. My embarrassment is my issue and I can't allow the opinions of a stranger in a grocery store or my family during the holidays to change how I parent my child. So we came up with two ideas.

Starting point is 00:22:50 Why not have a kids table and an adult table? And then the kids can do their thing and the adults can enjoy some adult time talking and drinking and being grownups and the kids can be kids. Well sometimes that idea got shot down by the family with the perfect kids who wanted to show off their kids at the dinner table. So we read the moment. We let Casey eat early when he was actually hungry

Starting point is 00:23:15 and enjoyed building contentedly by himself. And when everyone asked why he wasn't at the table, we didn't lie and just say he was sick because we'd used that excuse like hundreds of times throughout his childhood. Oh, he's just not feeling well, right? So we just said he already ate dinner and he was contently building something in the other room he wanted to show everyone later. And we sat in the judgment, the stairs, the comments, and we ate our dinner and it passed.

Starting point is 00:23:46 Because part of it was when we learned how to be confident in it, it kind of took away some of the sting from the family. And so for the parents who wondered if we coddled him in those moments into being a spoiled brat, I'd love for you to meet Casey. He's an extremely responsible young man who makes good decisions. He leads people well. He still has a mouth on him because he's a strong willed kid and he got that from his mother.

Starting point is 00:24:18 Just kidding. He got that from me. But he is capable of putting other people first, sitting through long meals. And he both respects and is respected by all the grown-ups, all the grandparents, everybody in his world. He was a kid then. Don't stress so much over these moments. Don't project into the future. Look, if you ever need help financially with our programs, you'll be emailing directly with Casey and you'll get to

Starting point is 00:24:51 see he's like your kids. He's awesome for other people, right? He's a good human. So for the next few days, think about the action steps here. The mom in church didn't take her daughter's actions personally. Let go of that ego stuff. She didn't choose an unnecessary battle of the wills. She gave her daughter some space to be independent. Really work on that with your strong will kids. See if you force it on them they will resist. If you give them space they'll often do what you ask. She ended up bonding over something silly and part of learning how to control yourself is slowing your

Starting point is 00:25:37 world down inside so you can read the moment and tell your family to go... I'm kidding... so you can do what's best for your family in the moment and I encourage you to do the same now in the next episode I'm going to give you some tools to handle family get-togethers and family members including your own spouse who don't always agree with you and I think you're going to find it very helpful. Okay, moms and dads, let's work on that this week. You're going to have opportunities to practice this. And I love that.

Starting point is 00:26:10 Your strong-willed kids are going to make you the most patient, calm people on the face of the planet because they're gonna push all of your buttons and they really help us grow up. If you need help with anything, reach out to our strong-willed son, Casey. Love you all, so much respect for you for working so hard at this and we do appreciate you sharing the podcast with others as well. Okay, we'll talk to you

Starting point is 00:26:32 right before Thanksgiving.

Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Avoid Embarrassing Meltdowns in Public & With Family

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