Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Avoid Poisoning Your Child’s Confidence

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

How to Avoid Poisoning Your Child’s Confidence What happens to a child who begins to internalize from a young age, “I’m a bad kid, I’m slow so I’m not smart, I’m always in trouble, my parents are never happy with me, there’s something wrong with me, or I’m not as smart as my siblings?” That will sabotage yourchild’s success and relationships for a lifetime. Kirk shows you how to cultivate your child’s confidence and guiding internal dialogue. We Are Extending Our Spring Sale into April: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Make 2024 different. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our Spring Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Questions? Email [e-mail] and he'll be happy to help out personally. Get an exclusive 15% off your first OneSkin purchase using the code KIRK when you checkout at https://oneskin.co/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine, no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is OneSkin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin.

OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at oneskin.co. That's 15% off at oneskin.co with code KIRK. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them, so please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K to 12.

IXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback, and parents love knowing specific skills that need work. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now.

Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So maybe you have a child who doesn't follow directions well. Maybe they're slow at completing tasks, doesn't like group projects or daydreams, or choose like 15 other behaviors that irritate us as adults. If I had one, one thing I would say is most important for your child's development, it definitely does not have to do with good behavior conforming to arbitrary societal standards or even grades. Those are things that parents focus on, but don't. So in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I will reveal that one priority that I would focus on more than any other. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin,

founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey. C-A-S-E-Y. CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, ages of the kids. What are you struggling with? We will get together as a family. We talk about it. We reply back to you personally and usually very quickly because that's what we do. If you need help with anything, just reach out to Casey. If you need help financially with any of our products and our programs, reach out to him. So here's the situation. Doing a phone consultation with this really great couple and their child is struggling with three issues in school. Now, even if these three don't apply to your child, the principles and action steps we discuss in this podcast are really important.

So here are the three. One, the child is getting notes sent home because he's taking 40 minutes to do a class assignment rather than 20 minutes. So he works slowly. Number two, he daydreams in class. And three, he doesn't participate in group discussions and projects and he tunes out a bit. So just think for a moment. This is a kid, a child, who is getting in trouble or being made to feel like there is something wrong with him simply for being who he is, for the way his brain is made, for how he was created. Be aware of this because these subtle messages begin to form an internal dialogue that can last a lifetime and form limiting beliefs that affect every area of life. So if I had one thing I would say is most important

for your child's development, it is this. Your number one priority should be this. Protect your child's confidence and internal dialogue fiercely because this is what will guide them, consciously or not, for the rest of their lives. So just think what is beginning to form in this child's mind and heart already.

Remember the three things, work slowly, daydreams, doesn't participate in class. So here's what he's starting to internalize. I'm slow at doing work, so that means I'm not as smart. I shouldn't be so slow. Ah, the word shouldn't, what an evil word, right? There's that negative internal judgment beginning to take shape in this child's fertile little brain and heart already. Being slow is bad. I'm not as good as others. Other kids are better and smarter than me.

Something is wrong with me because I'm slow. I shouldn't be thinking this way. I need to be faster like everybody else. The only way I've ever known to process information is apparently wrong and not good enough. So I have to deny who I am and become someone else in order to be accepted by teachers and parents, and in order to be as good and smart as my peers. Can you see how devastating this can be? And this is from one simple thing that's happening in their lives. And I've pointed this out before, but it's worth mentioning again. Our kids are who they are.

It's how they were born and created. This is the way their brains work. It's all they've ever known. They didn't make a conscious choice to be like this. It's their nature. And then we as parents, teachers, churches, and society begin labeling them as bad and wrong and trying to change their very nature. And then we wonder why they are not motivated, why they lash out at the good sibling, why they express anger and defiance. And as the child becomes older, this morphs into, people don't understand me or value me or my unique gifts. I am less than, and we don't want to go there.

So some of you are still guided by a negative or limiting internal dialogue. Well, I am only worthy of people's love and acceptance and attention when I'm good or do what they ask. You learn that from your parents. When I don't, then I am bad and not worthy of their love. I am not really as smart as my sibling. I'm too short, too tall, too round, too thin. I'm not worthy of acceptance unless I look a certain way. I don't really deserve a good partner who puts me first. I'm not really capable of doing that. I'm lazy. I'm not smart enough. I'm not qualified enough. Oh, how many of you have that? That's why some people never jump in and use their gifts and talents. They continually have to get, well,

I just need to get one more certification. I just need to take one more class. I just need to get one more degree before they can do what they're meant to do. You know people like that. You may be someone like that. And somewhere along the line, someone drilled it into you that you're not good enough and you're not qualified enough. So you keep getting degrees and certifications to somehow prove that you are. But that doesn't work because those things are given from the outside. It has to come from inside. And these limiting beliefs will sabotage you in your personal life. You will choose a partner that is not good for you because you think that you're not worthy of having a partner who's kind and giving and serves you and loves you for who you are. It will sabotage you professionally,

right? You won't get the right job, right? Until the day you die, unless you break free of these. So let's not put these shackles on our kids, right? It's bad enough that you and I have them, but let's break that generational pattern in ourselves. That's what we're about. But don't put these shackles on your kids because this can start at age four, three, two, age seven, last a lifetime, and they sabotage everything. So what if though, what if we began to counter this? What if this child began to have this internal dialogue instead? I process information more slowly because I'm a deep thinker who contemplates many different sides of an issue or problem in my mind before making a decision. That helps me develop creative solutions. I'm a

problem solver. My brain works exactly how it is supposed to, and I will continue to cultivate that deeper thinking. It helps me be creative and see the world in different ways. See, my deliberate thinking, my contemplation, my creativity, those are unique advantages. I'm like a craftsman who takes his time building thoughts, building hypotheses, building solutions to hard problems. I am an asset to mankind and need to cultivate this thinking style in order to serve others and help humanity. Companies will reward me precisely because I do think differently than others. I take my time. I'm conscientious. I'm a good thinker and that will serve me well in life. That is what I want your child, this child believing about himself or herself throughout his life. There is nothing

conceited or prideful about this at all. This child is just recognizing this is how I'm created and it's good. And for my religious friends, notice the imprint of the creator's own thinking here. Remember after creation, God says what he created was good. Hmm. Well, we're the ones who come along and mess all of that up, right? When we start saying like, no, it's bad. And we're, right? We do that stuff, man. And we don't even realize it from a young age. You're starting to doom your child's internal dialogue, right?

This kid didn't say he's better than others. Just that this unique quality needs to be cultivated because it's good. So what are you writing on the slate of your child's heart and mind with your daily words, with your attitudes, with your body posture, with your reactions? Now, the truth is you've messed up like I have because you're human. So you know what I'm going to say. No blame, no guilt.

But let's course correct here and begin affirming your kids relentlessly. I do this with dads all the time. For the next two weeks, your only job is you affirm the things that you already see your child doing well. And you don't get to add, but if you would just apply yourself, you could do much better. No, you just affirm what they're already doing well. This is not fake praise. You're not giving them a participation trophy. You're merely acknowledging truth. Son, daughter, you're good at X. You're really good at Y. I really like how you do Z. You're recognizing that. Call it forth. See,

if parents don't do it, everything and everyone else is going to challenge or take your kids in a different way, right? School, teachers, other kids, churches, society are going to criticize and see the worst. All those other voices, watch, if you don't build your child up inside, once they start getting into the negativity of society in real life, all those negative voices will merely reinforce what your child already believes. Now, if you inherently, though, believe that your brain is good and your heart is good and it works the way it should, you will be inoculated against this criticism. Now look, I could stop the podcast here. Kind of tempted to, tempted to. It's been 10 minutes in because

this is real work that needs to be done. But I think I'm going to go a few steps further and help. Let's talk about schools and teachers, how we change this dialogue as well. So we're going to protect and cultivate your child's confidence and view of himself. So what we want to change from is this. There is something wrong with you and you need to work faster to, oh, this is an advantageous trait that we need and value. See, how you see your kids and how you talk to them makes a huge difference. So I always want it when I'm talking to schools, I want to set a larger goal with teachers in the school. We want a curious kid who loves to learn. We don't need our child to complete tasks quickly. Okay. Get rid of the arbitrary standards. Focus on what is really important.

So now we need to try to get the school and teachers on board, but do know that if you can't, then you have to unilaterally, unilaterally make decisions that are in the best interest of your child. And it's hard, but necessary. At one point, I talked to Casey's teachers and said, I appreciate that you love our son so much and you want him to learn, so you give him homework. I want you to know that every single night we learn in our home, but we will not always complete homework. We are always learning by playing, experimenting, talking,

reading, watching things, but we're not always going to complete homework. And it's okay if you mark his grade down. I promise you, moms and dads, when your kids are grown, you will regret having fought over something so arbitrary and unimportant as homework for years. You will regret that. It's not worth it. Look, I'm going to take two minutes and share my frustration with schools. Schools are supposed to be in the kid business that they often show complete indifference to and misunderstanding of kids. It's like having a business and not understanding your client. It's that perpetual reliance on behavior charts and negativity that don't work. It runs counter to common sense and research, right? Their job is to get kids and they often don't. And I get really annoyed with

Christian schools because they're supposed to go the extra mile with compassion and understanding of kids who are different. And yet they often revert back to what are they? Well, we have an academically rigorous environment. Well, yeah, you value repeating back and adhering to rules versus thinking and creativity and coming up with things that aren't in the teacher's guide, right? And it's like, well, we're all about character formation. No, you're not. That's a code word for you just want kids who behave and do what they're told.

That's not good character. That's called being a slave. And I know I'm being a little bit rough here, but look, we're screwing up our kids. These are children that we're messing up for no reason, right? For my Christian schools and friends there, you're supposed to see kids the way God sees his creation. And you often reinforce this narrow, strict view that literally cripples a child's spirit and confidence. If there's any place that our kids, right, the strong-willed kids, the kids on the spectrum should be able to go and feel safe, it's at a Christian school.

And yet every day I hear from like, well, they're just, they're just reinforced. They can't put up with it. I'm like, how can you not? Your job is to teach their heart, right? And anyway, your job, and this is for all of us, parents and teachers, is to understand each child's unique giftings and then curate and cultivate their unique gifts, talents, and passions for the betterment of the world. You've been given a child to form and sculpt. Instead, we just try to break that mold, break them, and try to make them like everybody else. And I don't want to do that anymore because it has devastating results. So we're going to make a switch from trying to change their nature or

behavior to using their gifts, talents, and passions to their advantage and the advantage of mankind, right? So in this case, the teacher is kind of hell-bent on getting this kid to work more quickly. It's an artificial arbitrary standard. I worked in the corporate world for 20 years. I rarely had to complete an assignment in 20 minutes versus 40 minutes. And just think what we miss so often. In this particular case, this is a kid who in reading comprehension had given an answer that was not included as correct in the teacher guide. So the teacher marked the answer as being wrong, but it wasn't wrong. It just wasn't in the teacher guide. So this kid explained his reasoning, but he still gets notes sent home because the teacher isn't happy with how quickly he's completing assignments, and we're missing the entire point. He's a thinker. He's a problem

solver, and my challenge to the administration is this. Are you sending notes home to the parents of the kids who speed through their assignments, who mindlessly regurgitate what they think the teacher wants to hear without thinking through different options? Are you lamenting that these kids aren't more creative, deep thinking problem solvers? Then why are you doing that to our son based on arbitrary criteria you chose? See, this teacher could turn it around and say, hey, come here, Ethan, I'll give you extra credit if you come up with an answer that is not in the teacher's guide or that none of the other students write. See, now you're encouraging that trait and

gift. Instead of saying there's something wrong with you that needs to be fixed, you're like, man, I love the way you think. Here's a challenge. See if you can come up with that to make kids do their work quickly. It's not a life skill that's necessary. As the parents, we don't even value that or want that. So you can relax and we're okay if our child takes a little longer to do that. Just chill out. It's all okay. So think about this one. Child is daydreaming in class, doesn't like group projects. Let me address group projects.

Let's stop stigmatizing kids who like working alone or who don't have or don't want a big friend group. It's perfectly healthy. There's nothing wrong with that. Here's my warning, parents. Do not project your own social preferences on your kids. You like having a lot of friends. Good for you. I don't. I prefer a tight-knit group of a few guys that I can have deeper talks with, but these are preferences that we have, okay? So side note, by the way, group project, this would be a cool thing to

teach your child. Teach your child how to navigate life. Normalize it first. Of course, you don't like group projects because you're a thinker. You don't want all of that. Teach your child to be comfortable with who he is, right? So rather than have, this is what I tell kids all the time. It's perfectly normal. I'd rather, wouldn't you rather have a few deeper friendships than a ton of superficial contacts? So then you can say this, hey, look, son, when you have a group activity, volunteer to answer a question early on. You get the check mark and then you can tune out. I know some of you are going to be like, you can't teach your child to do that. Why? It's how I navigated social get togethers in the corporate world, right? Oh, we're going to meet

after work at the bar. Why don't you come along come along well sometimes you kind of have to do that so what would happen I would go show up at the bar I'd walk into the group where my boss was I would tell some story or ask a few questions I got my check mark a little bit of face time that showed I was there then I'd slink away maybe to go get a drink and then I'd disappear to the bathroom and sneak out to my car and go home where I really wanted to be. You know what that was called? That was called being smart. Don't discount this. Don't force a kid to participate in group activities. It's not a life skill that is always necessary. Most jobs don't require this, and your child will gravitate toward jobs where they get to work with fewer people,

mainly starting their own business. So think about this. At recess, most of the boys are off kicking a ball around, right? And yet your child is either, right, if he's playing with the kids, he's cheating, stealing the ball, and the kids don't like him a lot. Or better off, he's off on his own, completely content and happy, looking up and around and trying to figure something out. Here are two options. See, instead of the teacher going over and saying, hey, why don't you go play ball with the other kids, which by the way, shows a stunning lack of awareness. It's clear this kid isn't good at sports. So why would he want to expose himself

to getting teased and feeling like a failure, right? So instead, the teacher could go over and say this, hey, I'm curious, what are you thinking about? What are you contemplating? And then your child says, well, I'm trying to figure out how this electrical line connects with school. And if there's a more efficient way to heat the classroom in the winter, all right, that's many of your kids. And then the teacher gets to say, you know what the world needs more of? Certainly not dopey kids kicking a ball. I'm kidding. You can't say that. But not just, right, are people just following the rules? We need people like you who are problem solvers, who are great thinkers, who aren't afraid to tackle hard problems. You know what? I'm glad you're in my class. Hey, let me know what you discover.

See, can you imagine what starts to happen to the child's internal dialogue when adults start coming along, instead of trying to change him to be like all the other dopey kids kicking the ball around? Why can't you be like them? Hey, why aren't you athletic? Why aren't you better at that? Why are you off by yourself? There's something wrong with you, weirdo, little weirdo. Instead, they say, you know what? I love

that you're a thinker. You have eyes to look around. Your head isn't staring down into a screen right now during recess. You're looking up and you're trying to contemplate things and how unseen things work. That's awesome. We need more of you. See, that kid goes home from school and he's like, I like going to school because every day a principal, a teacher, someone else notices something good about me. What if you just did that as parents and guys, especially for the next week, just notice the good stuff that's already there and stop trying to fix all the other things. So daydreaming. Realize that kids who daydream have a great imagination.

It's usually a sign of a bright kid. So here's how I handle that. Look, if I'm in class, I'm not going to draw a lot of attention to it, but sometimes I can walk up and say, hey, where did you just go in your brain? Because I know it's someplace interesting. See, again, that's a really cool way of entering into their world. Now I can bring him out. I can also say, hey, Ethan, hey, I bet my junior Thomas Edison, an awesome inventor, was just using his imagination. And I'd love to hear about that

after lunch. But right now, I'd love to hear what your great brain thinks about this on page 58. So I don't down him for his imagination, but here's what I'd really like to do sometime when we're not in the middle of class. I pull the child aside. Ethan, one of the things I admire most about you is you're a good thinker, a deep thinker. I love that you daydream because that means you have this great imagination and you use your brain to come up with solutions and answers other kids don't think about. Now, look, I've noticed that during group projects and discussions, you kind of fade away into your own world, and I get that, but I could really use your participation because I want the other kids to hear your perspective and to think more like you, not just repeat the

standard answers. See, your creativity and thinking is extraordinary. So could you help me with that? Look, think what we just did. We shifted the focus from, I need to change the child's behavior. I need to change this child's very nature to, no, I need to cultivate your perspective, your gifts and talents, and I want to show them off. See, that will build to show them off. See, that will build a child's confidence. That will change his or her internal dialogue for the rest of your

child's life. Can you imagine your child surrounded by you and grandparents and aunts and uncles and teachers coming up and saying, you know what? It's not the way I would have approached that. But man, I love how you do that. I love that perspective, right? Do that this week. I don't know what to tell you. I just want you, I really want you to focus on that this week for a week and do that. I want you to talk to your child's teachers. Send them this podcast.

If you want, we can train your child's teachers on a Zoom call. And I'll share this with them. If you have the Calm Parenting Program or the Get Everything Package. Or if you have those, you can share those with teachers. You can share it with your own parents. You can listen to them. Let your kids listen to them, right? I want your kids listening.

I want your kids hearing this, this podcast, if they're like that to know, hey, so there's nothing wrong with me? No, the only thing that was wrong was my perspective, the teacher's perspective. We have limiting beliefs and we've misunderstood you. I guarantee if you go through our programs and you ask your child this sometimes, strong-willed child, does it ever feel like we've misunderstood your motives? Almost all of them will say yes.

Some of them will start crying because that's what it feels like for them. So if you have our programs, let your kids listen. All of this is validating for them and you'll provoke these great conversations where the kids like, mom, listen to this dad. Listen, this is what this guy said about kids with ADHD or strong, bold kids. This is what I've been doing.

And it'll provoke some really great conversations. So if you don't have it, get it. You've listened to the podcast. We're describing your child it will these things will help you and they're not even they only cost more than like one trip to a therapist's office who just doesn't really work anyway anyway i'm done so thank you for listening thanks for sharing the podcast love you all have a great week and work on this it's really really cool okay bye