Calm Parenting Podcast - How To Be A Dad Your Kids Listen To

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

How To Be A Dad Your Kids Listen To It’s really hard for some Dads to connect with their strong-willed child. So they end up sabotaging the relationship. Kirk shows you exactly how to rebuild this relationship with very specific, concrete action steps and words. Please forward to your husband.  Gift your husband mentoring with Kirk here: https://celebratecalm.com/call-kirk/ Try AG1 and get a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3 & K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase exclusively at https://drinkAG1.com/calm. Visit https://wholelifepet.com/ and use promo code CALM to get 25% off your first order with free shipping over $50. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So this really cool thing is starting to happen where I'm working with a lot of guys. The guys are kind of initiating this. I know it's coming from the wives, but I'm starting to mentor them and coach them through a lot of these different situations. And it's evolving into like, hey, could you talk to my wife about this? And the wife's like, could you talk to my husband about this? And I was like, maybe it'd be really good if you two talk together. But

sometimes it's helpful to have someone from the outside who kind of gets how difficult the kids are, how this dynamic works. But what I'm loving is that the guys are really taking a hold of this, right? And it's really changing things. So one of the things a lot of guys struggle with is just how to have relationships. Like we're good at working, you know, we can work our butts off I can fix things around the house but having a relationship with a especially with a more challenging child or with another human being for those of you who are engineers out there right or those of you that are kind of on the spectrum yourself it's hard it doesn't come natural to you so I wanted to share

with you something that I hope you can share with maybe your spouse or if you're a guy listening, I hope this helps you. So this kind of a bonus episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. For those who don't know, I'm Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. We'll be glad to help you out. So I'm doing a lot of this mentoring now with people. And so I was talking to this dad and he's like, I don't know how to relate to my 13 year old daughter. Now this could be with a younger kid. It could be with a boy. It doesn't matter. But here's the process I went through in a very specific example, because one thing I found is that guys

really like very specific examples. Like tell me exactly what to do and say, and I'll go do it. Because just saying, oh, you know, you need to connect with your child more. It's too generic. I don't even know what that means. So this is a guy with a 13-year-old daughter, and this is basically the plan that I told him. Overall things, you have to take an interest in your child's world. You have to be curious. Ask questions. Now, when you're being curious and asking questions, don't be creepy and don't interrogate your kids. There's a difference because being curious is just asking

questions like, honey, I'm just curious. Why are you guys doing that? What do you get out of that? Why do you find that valuable when you're listening to that music? What do you like about it? What's the story behind this song? That artist that you like so much, what's their life story? What is it that draws you? Not like, why are you listening to that stuff? None of that harsh, accusational interrogation that sometimes we do. And I'm going to mention this many times. You have to take an interest in their world. And let's just establish this. If you have a child, here's the thing.

Their world tends to be childish. Their world is inane and stupid to you. I get that, right? The world of a 13-year-old boy or girl, it's not like it's going to be like, Dad, you know, I was reading Dostoevsky and I have these deep thoughts and I'm just wondering. Now, some of your kids are actually really deep and if you can gain that trust, you'll have amazing, very thoughtful conversations with these kids. But on the surface right now, they're 13. They're watching TikTok videos. Am I saying you have to go watch TikTok videos with them? Yeah, because that's their world. And instead of, I don't understand, this is stupid. I don't know why you're wasting time with this. You should be out. Well, if you want to cut off your relationship with your child, then keep doing that stuff. So let's say that your daughter

likes smoothies and craft type stuff. So go out and buy a $35 gift card to Michael's Arts and Crafts, right? Don't get her a $10 one and be a cheap you-know-what, but you also don't have to go out and buy $300 worth of stuff. $35 is kind of a nice number. So you get this gift card, right? And maybe you leave the card for her in her backpack under her pillow as a special little gift. Why? Because it's fun getting gifts and we forget to do those things. And as kids get older, they don't get gifts like this just out of the blue. So you leave her a gift card and you text her or tell her, say, hey, one afternoon or evening when you've got time, let's grab a smoothie and go to Michael's. We can use your gift card. So first stop is the smoothie shop. So you each get a smoothie. But here's what I don't

want you to do, dads. Don't tell her which of the smoothies is better for her and more nutritious, that has more protein, that has antioxidants to help with her skin that isn't so good, right? Don't get all like, oh, let's not get a large because we're going to be eating dinner in two hours. Just stop it. Go get a smoothie, right? Ask her why she likes her particular smoothie so much. Hey, what is it about that one you like? And then here's a really cool thing to do. Ask your daughter, or if you're going with your son, to pick out which smoothie you should get. Kids love doing that stuff. They have very little ownership of their lives. Just think from the time they get up in the morning, someone is telling them what to do, what to eat, when to eat, where to go to school, what classes to go to. Each teacher is telling them what to do, how to line up, what they have to do after school in the

evening with homework. They get home, they start to get lectured there. Literally everything they do is an adult telling them what to do. And here you are saying, hey, which one do you think I should get? And I'm just going to look, just get the one that she wants you to get. Don't be such a jerk, right? Like I'm saying this in a sweet, but it's sweet, but it's also true of like, don't be a jerk. If she picks one out, look, it doesn't mean you have to get that one, but just roll with it.

You're building a relationship. And even if you don't like that smoothie, lie and say, wow, this is really good. That was a good choice. And watch your daughter's face shine a little bit instead of cringing all the time, waiting for the negative comments to come. So you're driving along, you're drinking your smoothies and you get to Michael's or maybe one week at Sephora or Ulta Beauty Supply, right? When you get into Michaels, don't direct her to where you want

her to go, right? Let her lead this. Don't check your phone or your watch, right? Because this is going to be boring for a lot of you. And I'm not denying that, that entering into a seven-year-old's world, a four-year-old's world, a 14-year-old's world, a 14-year-old's world, it's not that interesting, but it's their world. And if you want to draw them out of it, you have to enter in and you enter in on their terms. So I don't want you walking around and your daughter's looking at all kinds of things and you're checking your phone or your watch because that says you're not interested and that you care about something else more than you care about this time with your daughter. And look, I'm just honest. I don't care who you are. You're not that important. Now look,

if your wife's in the hospital dying, well, you shouldn't be at Michael's anyway, but you're not that important. Put your phone away so that you can be thoroughly engaged in this store and don't walk around. Remember your budget's $35, not a penny over. It's your daughter. Don't sabotage this. So I'm going to be real with you. I was doing this mentoring with this guy. He's got a daughter. He called me. He's like, ah, my daughter gets out of bed on Saturday morning. She slept in. She walks downstairs. She turns the TV on and then she laid on the couch.

Couldn't she at least be sitting up and watching TV? She just got out of bed. And what I told him was, now you're just being an a-hole, right? Because you are when you do that stuff. Instead, why don't you lie down on the floor next to the sofa and ask, hey, honey, what's this show about? Why do you like it so much? Do all the other kids watch this? Who's your favorite character? Now, don't ask them all at once, right? But take an interest. Her world is very different from yours. Your daughter is 13. You're 35 or 45. Chill. But the sad part of

that story is that that nice dad, you know what, to be honest, he was, I would like to say he is a nice dad, but he's not. He ruined his relationship with this daughter. And when he had an opportunity to do simple things like this, he wouldn't do it. You know what's going to happen if you sabotage that. That daughter will check out on you. You will not be part of your world. And then you'll feel all disrespected because your daughter walks by and doesn't talk to you. Well, sometimes you created that yourself. And then you know what else is going to happen? Your wife's not going to relate to you well because she bore this daughter in her womb or adopted this daughter and has so much emotional investment in this relationship and you couldn't do a simple thing and you had to be like, well,

why can't you sit up and watch that? Why do you have to do that? Stop being that old school, well, my dad treated like this and we turned out okay. Well, maybe, but maybe you turned out okay despite what he did. And let me talk to your wife and kids and see if you actually turned out that well with relationships, right? I don't, I was going to say, I don't mean to be too tough on you, but I do because I care about you and I care about the relationships in your life because nobody gives a rip what you do for a living. They don't. You care, but literally nobody else cares. All a 13-year-old, a three-year-old, a 17-year-old, a nine-year-old cares about is,

does my dad, does my mom like me? It's not about loving your child. Every parent loves their child, but that's kind of generic. Well, I love my child. Well, if you don't, then you're a horrible human. But you actually like your child. Do you take time to be interested in things they're interested in. So you walk through Michael's,

and she goes to a section with beads, and it's lame and boring, and you don't care about stupid beads. But she does, and that's what matters. Look, I nearly ruined my relationship with our son. The first nine years of his life, I just tried to fix him. I thought he was the issue. Till I finally learned the only person I can control life is myself. And when I start working on controlling myself and fixing myself, that's when our relationship changed. And I had to rebuild that relationship. You know what I did every Saturday morning?

This was week after week, year after year. We visited a different car dealership in our region. Not in our town, in our region. Because we ran out of places to go. Because you know what we'd do? We would go and test drive different cars. Why? Because my son was obsessed with cars. Many of you have these kids. They're outside and they hear a car and they know, oh, that's a 1974 X. That's a 2022. They know that stuff. I'm not a car guy. I didn't care. I hated going to car dealerships. Hey, we're interested in a car. Can we take a test drive? But it was Casey's passion and we bonded over it. And I will tell you many, many, many years later, he told me this. He said, dad, I know that wasn't your thing. You grew up a sports guy and you wanted to take me to baseball

games and all these things I wasn't interested in, but you took an interest in what I was interested in. And I will always, always remember those Saturday mornings as a special time. And by the way, we had some awesome times. Guess what came up while we were out for the day? You get tired. The walls come down. They become vulnerable. And they open up and talk to you.

You can't just go and say, okay, I've got 30 minutes. You want to bury your soul? No, it takes time. But Casey would end up opening up on those days. And by the way, it was basically free, right? We'd have lunch out, but this doesn't have to cost a lot of money. It's just time. So you're back in Michael's, you're looking at the beads, she's touching and feeling them. Again, no glancing little looks at your phone. No redirecting her to the beads that are on sale.

Instead, you're curious. Man, you know what, honey? You're so curious. What do you think about making with the beads? And she says, well, I've got some old sneakers and I thought I'd bling them up with a little bit of some different beads. Now look, no correcting her.

Don't kill her dream, okay? No telling her that's not practical. Encourage her. See, maybe turn that into a little business, right? Or just something you do with your friends. You're patient. You're listening. You're holding things for her. You're generous. Just do that. And maybe when you're there, you say something like this, and I'd love this. Hey, honey, you know what? I need a new picture frame where I can put some pictures of you guys at the office. Could you help me pick one out? There's something very magical about this. You're getting your child

to help you, right? And here's a cool one. If you go to Ulta Beauty Supply because they're in most suburbs. Let your daughter pick out an exfoliating thing for your skin or maybe a different scented aftershave that she likes the smell of. And every morning she'll smell that and know that she picked it out for you. It's something you bond over. Kids love teaching their parents something. They like showing them things. Especially in the teen years, things start to switch, right? When your kids are little, you're showing and teaching and showing and teaching and lecturing and doing all those things.

When they get older, you can reverse that around a little bit. And I always encourage dads to say like, enjoy her. Enjoy. Enjoy your daughter. Enjoy your daughter. Enjoy your son. Stop being her parent and just be her dad. Because you only get a few shots at this before your child shuts down and shuts you out. And so now you're on the way home.

Guess what you get to do? Listen to her talk. I can promise you when you put that time in, they will begin to feel safe and comfortable and they'll start opening up and they're going to open up about stuff. Don't correct. Don't pull out your stupid dad stuff, right? Your old lectures. Listen, ask questions. And when you get home say honey you know what thanks for letting me do that with you I wish I was more creative like you and that's how you do it and the next week you go to Sephora or you get pizza with her friends see kids are starved for people to be interested in their lives that's how you build relationships. It helps so much. When Casey was young, I was active with his

friends and I wasn't just the overburdened dad always lecturing them. I was asking them questions and being interested in their lives. He is 30 now. He's still, this is one of the coolest things. This is happening in a couple of weeks. His friends are in their early 30s, late 20s, and I've built a relationship with them. Why? Because I ask them what it's like to be a millennial. What's it like living in this era? I don't walk around just telling them like all my life lessons. Now, eventually, they ask me because I put the time in, and one of his best friends who was from Germany is getting married. And guess what? I got an invitation to my son's friend's wedding. Why? Because he said, I want your dad

there. That's cool. I'm not, I hope that, I don't want that to sound self-congratulatory. What I want it to sound like is a vision for you of having these kind of connections with your kids and keeping that connection. I tell you, so this weekend, Casey, my son, is taking me for, driving me four hours. There's some special event. He didn't tell me what it is, but my birthday's coming up, and he said, block off your calendar for this weekend. I'm taking you to a special event, and he is going to take me there, pay for the hotel, pay for the food. I'm making sure that we are going to a special event and he is going to take me there, pay for the hotel, pay for the food. I'm making sure that we are going to a really expensive steak restaurant and he's paying for it all.

That's the kind of connection you're looking for. And it just takes some time and holding your tongue about all the negative things. Enjoy that with them. Stop trying to get everybody to listen to you and instead listen to them. And in the end, they will want to hear what you have to say. So for right now, connect with your kids. That connection will change attitudes and behavior more quickly than anything else in your home. Consequences, as you have found out, strong-willed kids don't care about consequences, but I can tell you that connection will change these kids. And it's a beautiful thing. Look, if you are, if you do this, if you want my help with it, you go to celebrate calm and look up, call Kirk. And there's a couple

packages there that you can do with me. And I had this one guy I'll close up. I'm keeping this under 20 minutes. This is just funny. This was a Northeastern guy, Long Island guy. And he's like, so I'm going to pay you to teach me how to be a dad. And I was like, you don't have to pay me. Nobody's twisting your arm. And he goes, well, it's either that or I'm probably going to get a divorce. And I was like, well, I think the phone consultation is probably a better choice. But the cool thing is we're digging in as we do this. We're digging into deeper things with guys, right? A lot of the guys that I'm working with, doctors, CEOs, other people, and even people that aren't in those kind of realms, their dad issues there, like I had, right? And I have. Their dad issues there. I'm always trying to please my dad,

so I'm working too hard and I'm really good at working and doing that, but I kind of withdraw. I just came up with a plan with a guy. This is really, really cool. I'll try to share this quickly. I'll leave you with this one. His wife says he's kind of like a robot. So I said, here's what I want you to do this week. Walk into a room and say, honey,

I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed or I'm feeling like clueless. I don't know what to do with our son right now. And I just want to withdraw. Can. I don't know what to do with our son right now. And I just want to withdraw. Can you help me to know what to do? Guys, if you walk in and you have some vulnerability like that, I know it sounds funny. It's going to feel awkward. When I first started doing it, it was like, honey, I'm feeling a little anxious, right? It's awkward. It's not our natural language. But if you start doing that with people, you will build deeper relationships. It will change your family. It's really cool. So thanks for listening to this podcast. Please share it. And if we can help you in any way,

just reach out to us, Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Talk to you later. Love you guys. Bye.