Calm Parenting Podcast - How To Be A Dad Your Kids Listen To #484

Starting point is 00:00:00 We have a nephew who's really bright, but he struggles in a couple classes. And I asked him why he enjoys using IXL so much. And he said with IXL he can learn at his own speed and do it independently. You know our kids like figuring things out on their own. He likes the video tutorials and learning games that explain new concepts in a way he understands and he said I Excel makes me feel smart again. I Encourage you to check out I Excel comm slash Kirk to learn how I Excel can enrich your homeschool curriculum From K to 12 or just help any of your kids who are struggling in a couple classes

Starting point is 00:00:45 Ixl gives your kids tools to be successful and allows them to explore any topic in any grade level. make an impact on your child's learning. get iXcel now. calm parenting podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off in an iXcel membership when you sign up today at iXcel.com slash Kirk. visit iXcel.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So Casey and his wife were visiting friends this past weekend and they saw a Cozy Earth catalog on their table and he said, wait, you guys know Cozy Earth? And they said, yeah, all our bedding has Cozy Earth bamboo sheets. We're hooked. Softest bedding, best sleep we've ever had. So Casey asked, does your guest bed have Cozy Earth sheets? Because we'll visit you more often if it does.

Starting point is 00:01:32 And of course he liked being the hero, adding, if you go to CozyEarth.com slash calm and use code calm, you'll get 40% off. Look, once you try Cozy Earth pajamas or casual wear, sheets or towels, you'll find like many families, that Cozy Earth pajamas or casual wear, sheets or towels, you'll find like many families that Cozy Earth isn't a product, it becomes a lifestyle. You expect to feel unbelievably relaxed and comfortable day and night, and you won't settle for less.

Starting point is 00:02:00 Cozy Earth is a sanctuary amidst your hectic life. Visit CozyEarth.com slash com. Use code calm for 40% off bestselling sheets, towels, pajamas, and more. That's CozyEarth.com slash com with code calm for 40% off. So this really cool thing is starting to happen where I'm working with a lot of guys. The guys are kind of initiating this. I know it's coming from the wives, but I'm starting to mentor them and coach them through

Starting point is 00:02:28 a lot of these different situations. And it's evolving into like, hey, could you talk to my wife about this? And the wife's like, could you talk to my husband about this? And I was like, maybe it'd be really good if you two talk together. But sometimes it's helpful to have some from the someone from the outside who kind of gets how difficult the kids are, how this dynamic works, but what I'm loving is that the guys are really taking a hold of this, right? And it's really changing things. So one of the things a lot of guys struggle with is just how to have relationships. Like we're good at working, you know, we can work our butts off, I can fix things around the house, but having a relationship with a, especially with a more challenging child

Starting point is 00:03:09 or with another human being, for those of you who are engineers out there, right? Or those of you that are kind of on the spectrum yourself, it's hard, it doesn't come natural to you. So I wanted to share with you something that I hope you can share with maybe your spouse or if you're a guy listening, I hope this helps you. So this kind of a bonus episode

Starting point is 00:03:27 of the Calm Parenting Podcast, for those who don't know, I'm Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. We'll be glad to help you out. So I'm doing a lot of this mentoring now with people. And so I was talking to this dad and he's like,

Starting point is 00:03:47 I don't know how to relate to my 13 year old daughter. Now this could be with a younger kid, it could be with a boy, it doesn't matter. But here's the process I went through and a very specific example, because one thing I found is that guys really like very specific Examples like tell me exactly what to do and say and I'll go do it because just saying oh

Starting point is 00:04:13 You know what you need to connect with your child more. It's too generic. I don't even know what that means So this is a guy with a 13 year old daughter and this is basically the plan that I told him This is a guy with a 13 year old daughter and this is basically the plan that I told him Overall things you have to take an interest in your child's world You have to be curious ask questions now when you're being curious and asking questions Don't be creepy and don't interrogate your kids. There's a difference because being curious is just asking questions like honey I'm just curious, why are you guys doing that? What do you get out of that? Why do you find that valuable when you're listening to that music? What do you like about it? What's the story behind this song, that artist that you like so much? What's their life story? What is it that draws you? Not like,

Starting point is 00:04:59 why are you listening to that stuff? None of that harsh accusational interrogation that sometimes we do. And I'm going to mention this many times, you have to take an interest in their world. And let's just establish this. If you have a child, here's the thing, their world tends to be childish. Their world is inane and stupid to you. I get that, right? The world of a 13 year old boy or girl, it's not like it's gonna be like, Dad, you know, I was reading Dostoevsky and I have these deep thoughts and I'm just wondering. Now some of your kids are actually really deep and if you can gain that trust you'll have amazing, very thoughtful conversations with these kids, but on the surface right now, they're 13.

Starting point is 00:05:46 They're watching TikTok videos. Am I saying you have to go watch TikTok videos with them? Yeah, because that's their world. And instead of, I don't understand, this is stupid. I don't know why you're wasting time with this. You should be out. Well, if you want to cut off your relationship with your child, then keep doing that stuff. So let's say that your daughter likes smoothies and craft type stuff. So go out and buy a $35 gift card to Michael's Arts and Crafts, right? Don't get her a $10 one and be a cheap, you know what,

Starting point is 00:06:22 but you also don't have to go out and buy $300 worth of stuff. 35 is kind of a nice number. So you get this gift card, right, and maybe you leave the card for her in her backpack under her pillow as a special little gift. Why? Because it's fun getting gifts and we forget to do those things and as kids get older they don't get gifts like this just out of the blue. So you leave her gift card and you text her or tell her say hey one afternoon or evening when you've got time let's grab a smoothie and go to Michael's. We can use your gift card. So first up is the smoothie shop. So you each get a smoothie but here's what I don't want you to do dads Don't tell her which of the smoothies is better for her and more nutritious that has more protein that has

Starting point is 00:07:13 Antioxidants to help with her skin that isn't so good, right? Don't get all like well, let's not get a large because we're gonna be eating dinner in two hours. Just stop it go Get a smoothie. Right? Ask her why she likes her particular smoothie so much. Hey, what is it about that one you like? And then here's a really cool thing to do. Ask your daughter or if you're going with your son to pick out which smoothie you should get. Kids love doing that stuff. They have very little ownership of their lives. Just think from the time they get up in the morning, someone is telling them what to do, what to eat, when to eat, where to go to school, what classes to go

Starting point is 00:07:54 to. Each teacher is telling them what to do, how to line up, what they have to do after school, in the evening with homework, they get home, they start to get lectured there. Literally everything they do is an adult telling them what to do and here you are saying hey which one do you think I should get? And I'm just gonna look just get the one that she wants you to get. Don't be such a jerk, right? Like I'm saying this in a sweet, I mean it's sweet but it's also true of like don't be a jerk. If she picks one out, look it doesn't mean you have to get that one, but just roll with it. You're building a relationship and even if you don't like that smoothie, lie and say wow this is really good, that was a good choice

Starting point is 00:08:39 and watch your daughter's face shine a little bit instead of cringing all the time waiting for the negative comments to come. So you're driving along, you're drinking your smoothies and you get to Michael's or maybe one week at Sephora or Alta Beauty supply. When you get into Michael's, don't direct her to where you want her to go. Let her lead this. Don't check your phone or your watch. Because this is going to be boring for a lot of you. And I'm not denying that. That entering into a seven-year-old's world,

Starting point is 00:09:20 a four-year-old's world, a 14-year-old's world, it's not that interesting, but it's their world. And if you want to put all them out of it, you have to enter in and you enter in on their terms. So I don't want you walking around and your daughter's looking at all kinds of things and you're checking your phone or your watch because that says you're not interested and that you care about something else more than you care about this time with your daughter. And look, I'm just honest. I don't care who you are. You're not that important. Now look, if you've got a, if your wife's in the hospital dying, well you shouldn't be at

Starting point is 00:09:57 Michael's anyway, but you're not that important. Put your phone away so you can be thoroughly engaged in this store and don't walk around. Remember, your budget's $35, not a penny over. It's your daughter. Don't sabotage this. So I'm going to be real with you. I was doing this mentoring with this guy. He's got a daughter. He called me. He's like, ah, my daughter gets out of bed on Saturday morning. She slept in. She walks downstairs. She turns the TV on and then she laid on the couch. Couldn't she at least be sitting up and watching TV? She just got out of bed. And what I told him was, now you're just being an a-hole, right? Because you are when you do that stuff. Instead, why don't you lie down on the floor next to the sofa and ask,

Starting point is 00:10:46 hey honey, what's this show about? Why do you like it so much? Do all the other kids watch this? Who's your favorite character? Now don't ask them all at once, right? But take an interest. Her world is very different from yours. Your daughter is 13. You're 35 or 45. Chill. But the sad part of that story is that that nice dad, you know what, to be honest, he was, I would like to say he is a nice dad, but he's not. He ruined his relationship with this daughter. And when he had an opportunity to do simple things like this, he wouldn't do it. You know what's going to happen if you sabotage that. That daughter will check

Starting point is 00:11:32 out on you. You will not be part of your world, and then you'll feel all disrespected because your daughter walks by and doesn't talk to you. Well, sometimes you created that yourself, and then you know what else has happened is going to happen Your wife's not going to relate to you well because she had that she bore this daughter in her womb or Adopted this daughter and has so much emotional investment in this relationship and You couldn't do a simple thing and you had to be like, well, why don't you sit up and watch that?

Starting point is 00:12:05 Why do you have to do that? Stop stopping that old school. Well, my dad treated like this and we turned out OK. Well, maybe but maybe you turned out OK despite what he did. And let me talk to your wife and kids and see if you actually turned out that well with relationships, right? I don't I was going to say I don't mean to be too tough on you, but I do because I care about you and I care about the relationships in your life because nobody gives a rip what you do

Starting point is 00:12:33 for a living. They don't. You care, but literally nobody else cares. All a 13 year old, a 3 year old, a 17, a 9-year-old cares about is, does my dad, does my mom like me? It's not about loving your child. Every parent loves their child, but that's kind of generic. Well, I love my child. Well, if you don't, then you're a horrible human. But you actually like your child.

Starting point is 00:13:01 Do you take time to be interested in things they're interested in? So you walk through Michael's and she goes to a section with beads and it's lame and boring and you don't care about stupid beads, but she does and that's what matters. Look, I nearly ruined my relationship with our son. Through the first nine years of his life I just tried to fix him. I thought he was the issue until I finally learned the only person I can control life is myself. And when I start working on controlling myself and fixing myself, that's when our relationship changed and I had to rebuild that relationship.

Starting point is 00:13:33 You know what I did every Saturday morning? This was week after week, year after year, we visited a different car dealership in our region, not in our dealership in our region. Not in our town, in our region, because we ran out of places to go. Because you know what we'd do? We would go and test drive different cars. Why? Because my son was obsessed with cars. Many of you have these kids, they're outside and they hear a car and they know, oh that's a 1974X, that's a 2022, that's a...

Starting point is 00:14:06 They know that stuff. I'm not a car guy. I didn't care. I hated going to car dealerships. Hey, we're interested in a car. Can we take a test drive? But it was Casey's passion and we bonded over it. And I'll tell you many, many, many years later he told me this. He said, Dad, I know that wasn't your thing. You grew up a sports guy and you wanted to take me to baseball games and all these things I wasn't interested in, but you took an interest in what I was interested in and I will always, always remember those those Saturday mornings as a special time. And by the way, we had some awesome times. Guess what came up while we were out for the day? Mrs. Coleman, I know we're better parents and we're better for each other when we feel

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Starting point is 00:16:41 Head to airdoctorpro.com and use promo code CALM to get up to $300 off today. AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee plus a 3-year warranty and $84 value free. Get this exclusive podcast-only offer now at airdoctorpro.com using promo code calm. You get tired. The walls come down. They become vulnerable and they open up and talk to you. You can't just go and say, okay, I've got 30 minutes. You want to bury your soul? No, it takes time. But Casey would end up opening up on those days. And by the way, it was basically free, right? We'd have lunch out. but this doesn't have to cost a lot of money. It's just time. So you're back in Michaels. You're looking at the

Starting point is 00:17:30 beads. She's touching and feeling them. Again, no glancing little looks at your phone. No redirecting her to the beads that are on sale. Instead, you're curious. Man, you know what, honey? You're so curious. What do you think about making with the beads? And she says, well I've got some old sneakers and I thought I'd bling them up with a little bit of some different beads. Now look, no correcting her. Don't kill her dream. Okay, no telling her that's not practical. Encourage her. See, maybe turn that into a little business, right, or just something you do with your friends. You're patient, you're listening, you're holding things for her, you're generous. Just do that. And maybe when

Starting point is 00:18:14 you're there you say something like this, and I love this, hey honey you know what I need a new picture frame where I can put some pictures of you guys at the office. Could you help me pick one out? frame where I can put some pictures of you guys at the office? Could you help me pick one out? There's something very magical about this. You're getting your child to help you, right? And here's a cool one. If you go to Ulta Beauty Supply, because they're in most suburbs, let your daughter pick out an exfoliating thing for your skin or maybe a different scented aftershave that she likes the smell of. And every morning she'll smell that and know that she picked it out for you. It's something you bond over. Kids love teaching their parents something.

Starting point is 00:18:59 They like showing them things. Especially in the teen years, things start to switch, right? When your kids are little, you're showing and teaching and showing and teaching and lect in the teen years, things start to switch, right? When your when your kids are little, you're showing and teaching and showing and teaching and lecturing, doing all those things. When they get older, you can reverse that around a little bit. And I always encourage dads to say like, enjoy her, enjoy, enjoy your daughter, enjoy your son. Stop being her parent and just be her dad dad because you only get a few shots at this before your child shuts down and shuts you out. And so now you're on the way home. Guess what you

Starting point is 00:19:35 get to do? Listen to her talk. I can promise you when you put that time in they will begin to feel safe and comfortable and they'll start opening up and they're going to open up about stuff. Don't correct. Don't pull out your stupid dad stuff, right? Your old lectures. Listen, ask questions and when you get home say, honey, you know what? Thanks for letting me do that with you. I wish I was more creative like you and that's how you do it. And then next week you go to Sephora or you get pizza with her friends. See, kids are starved for people to be interested in their lives. That's how you build relationships. It helps so much. When Casey was young, I was active

Starting point is 00:20:20 with his friends and I wasn't just the, oh, we're dead, always lecturing them. I was active with his friends and I wasn't just the overbred dad always lecturing them. I was asking them questions and being interested in their lives. He is 30 now. He's still, this is one of the coolest things. This is happening in a couple weeks. His friends are in their early 30s, late 20s, and I've built a relationship with them. Why? Because I ask them what it's like to be a millennial. What's it like living in this era? I don't walk around just telling them like all my life lessons. Now eventually they ask me because I put the time in and one of his best friends who was from Germany is getting married. And guess what? I got an invitation to my son's friend's wedding. Why? Because he said, I want your dad there. That's cool. I'm not, I hope that, I don't want that sound self-congratulatory. What I want it to

Starting point is 00:21:12 sound like is a vision for you of having these kind of connections with your kids and keeping that connection. I tell you, so this weekend, Casey, my son, is driving me four hours. There's some special event. He didn't tell me what it is, but my birthday's coming up and he said, block off your calendar for this weekend. I'm taking you to a special event. And he is going to take me there, pay for the hotel, pay for the food.

Starting point is 00:21:40 I'm making sure that we are going to a really expensive steak restaurant and he's paying for it all. That's the kind of connection you're looking for and it just takes some time. I'm holding your tongue about all the negative things. Enjoy that with them. Stop trying to get everybody to listen to you and instead listen to the end. Listen to them and in the end they will want to hear what you have to say. So for right now Connect connect with your kids that connection will change attitudes and behavior more quickly than anything else in your home Consequences as you have found out strong will kids don't care about consequences But I can tell you that connection will change these kids and it's a beautiful thing. Look if you are if

Starting point is 00:22:24 Do this if you are, if, do this, if you want my help with it, you go to Celebrate Calm and look up Call Kirk. And there's a couple packages there that you can do with me. And I had this one guy, I'll close up, I'm keeping this under 20 minutes, this is just funny. This was a Northeastern guy, Long Island guy. And he's like, so, so I'm gonna pay you

Starting point is 00:22:43 to teach me how to be a dad. And I was like, you don't have to pay me. Nobody's twisting your arm. And he goes, well, it's either that or I'm probably going to get a divorce. And I was like, well, I think the phone consultation is probably a better choice. But the cool thing is we're digging in as we do this, we're digging into deeper things with guys, right? A lot of the guys that I'm working with, doctors, CEOs, other people, and even people that aren't in those kind of realms,

Starting point is 00:23:09 they're dad issues there like I had, right? And I have. They're dad issues there. I've always trying to please my dad, so I'm working too hard and I'm really good at working and doing that, but I kind of withdraw. I just came up with a plan with a guy. This is really, really cool. I'll try to share this quickly of I'll leave you with this one his wife says he's kind of like a robot so I said here's what I want you to do this week walk into a room and say honey I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed or I'm feeling like clueless I don't know what to do with our son right now and I just want to withdraw can you help me to know what to do? Guys, if you

Starting point is 00:23:45 walk in and you have some vulnerability like that, I know it sounds funny. It's going to feel awkward. When I first started doing it was like, honey, I'm feeling a little anxious, right? It's awkward. It's not our natural language. But if you start doing that with people, you will build deeper relationships, it will change your family. It's really cool. So thanks for listening to this podcast, please share it. And if we can help you in any way just reach out to us Casey at celebrate calm calm Talk to you later. Love you guys. Bye

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Calm Parenting Podcast - How To Be A Dad Your Kids Listen To #484

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