Calm Parenting Podcast - How To Be Tough & Stop Escalating

Episode Date: August 20, 2019

How To Be Tough & Stop Escalating Tension is rising as the new school year begins. So how can you be tough with your kids so they listen, without escalating situations? What is one secret to making this coming school year different? It may be entirely different than you thought. 16 minutes of practical, hard-hitting insights. Want to learn how to be tough and not lecture? Visit https://www.celebratecalm.com/calm30-free/ or view our 50% off Sale on the No B.S. Instruction Manual for Strong-Willed Children https://www.celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey everybody, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Welcome to the Celebrate Calm podcast. I'm glad you're here. So we've been doing a lot of live workshops lately

for parents and teachers getting ready for the school year to begin. And you can feel the tension and the dread of like, oh, here come all the calls from school. Here comes fights every day over homework time. And now we've got that schedule getting kids up in the morning and putting them to bed and dinner time's a fight. Breakfast is a fight and everything's kind of difficult. So you can feel that oozing off of parents and teachers as well. And so I wanted to address what I think will be, in many ways, the key to the coming school year. There's not just one, right?

And later ones, as we get into school, we'll go through giving kids tools to succeed and ways to do homework in different ways. But let's start with kind of a broader thing, things that you can actually change right now. And so before I do that, a couple questions I had from people at workshops. I just wanted to throw in little things to watch that are maybe counterintuitive. One mom and dad, their son plays baseball or some sport. This happens a lot. And the kid doesn't do well when he strikes out or if he's playing golf when he makes a bad shot. So the kid kind of melts down

and so you've got to use some wisdom with this but with some of your kids you know what the best thing you can do is don't go watch them play ask them ask them if they just want to play without you watching because sometimes these kids need a lot of space and they need space to step up and kind of own their thing but they feel so so much pressure. So at times it's best to not watch your child play and let them just own it. And there's nothing wrong with that. I want to look part of this is I want to liberate you to do what works best for you and for your child, not what works best for everybody else, because you have kids that are very different, right, than other people's kids. And so weird things often work with them. So don't be afraid to say, you know, we let our son go to

his swim meet or to his activity and we don't stay and watch. Why? Because we want to let him own it and not feel any extra pressure. Because a lot of our kids actually melt down because they're embarrassed by their initial reaction. See, when your kids get really upset and we're right there witnessing it, well now they double down because, oh, I knew I just acted like a big baby or did something immature. By the way, to what happens to a lot of men, including me. That was a big trigger because I would see myself and hear myself, what I was saying to my son or to my wife.

And then all of a sudden it snowballs because I know they're looking at me. And most men like me have a hero complex. And so now that's all shattered because I just threw a tantrum in the middle of the hotel at check-in or at the restaurant because things didn't go my way. And now your wife and kids are looking at you like, you're supposed to be some great corporate executive and now you're melting down. And so that embarrassment of them seeing me would often make it worse. Same thing happens to your kids. So give them some space. First thing I want to talk about, although we just talked about a few things, is this. I want you to learn to be tough with your kids. And I know people are always like,

oh, celebrate calm. You want to understand your kids and why they're doing things. Yeah, I do because I want to get to the root of the issue. But I'm not soft with kids and I'm not too sweet. Being sweet with strong-willed kids is a recipe for disaster. So I don't want to be sweet and always talking like this because that voice is irritating to a kid. But I also don't want to be, you know, you're a rebellious kid and you can't control yourself. And I don't want to lecture and yell either on the other side. I want to be right in between there. And my tone has to be, don't mess with me. Just don't mess with me.

Look, you can hear, that's confident. I'm not messing around here. Right? Being calm doesn't mean you're a pushover. It doesn't mean you speak timidly because your strong-willed kids are like little sharks and they will smell your fear. So I want you to be firm. I want you to be confident, right? If your child is demanding, you've got every right to say in an even matter-of-fact, decisive tone, look, if you continue to be demanding, I'm not going to read

to you anymore. But if you choose to speak respectfully, then I will. Your choice, right? And I like that because I'm putting ownership of the situation in their hands. Look, I'm good either way. I just want to let you know what I'm going to do. I can't tell you your choice, but I can tell you what my choice is. And I've got too much self-respect to sit around and have you talk to me like that. Right? That's called self-respect. It's controlling and changing yourself, not them. You can talk to your teenager and just say, look, you say you want to be in control of your life,

but you and I both know you're not even in control of yourself. Fortnite is. It's controlling your moods and behavior. Look, it's not my job to control you. If you want freedom, then you need to step up and stop making excuses. See, that's a tough but very honest talk and very respectful talk to have with your child. I'm not going to go on and on about all the lecturing and the research shows that when you do this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm making it very sweet and not very sweet, but sweet and short.

But I'm making it short and concise, and I'm just letting you know, here's the lay of the land and how things work. And then when I tell you things, I'm just going to let you know what I'm going to do, and I know I'm going to do it, right? Does that make sense? You're not yelling at your child. You're not demeaning your child. You're just drawing very clear boundaries, and you're letting them know what's expected. And then you're backing up with your words with the integrity of your actions, right? Does that make sense? And sometimes your kids don't listen to you because they don't respect you. And sometimes that's because you don't respect yourself. Parents who are too sweet outwardly end up being the very ones who yell, lecture, get resentful, and threaten, right? She's like, I tried to be sweet to you,

but you wouldn't listen, so now I'm going to go completely opposite. But parents who lead with firm, calm authority, who don't take it personally, and that's huge, who clearly state their expectations, who teach their kids self-control, they don't need to yell or threaten, but it begins with self-respect. And so the message and tone that you're taking is, I don't need you to like me. I don't need you to validate me. I don't need you to be happy with me or even love me, but I do expect you to do what I asked you to do. Does that make sense? Can you hear that in the tone of voice? It's not so much about the words, right? I want you to use the words, right? And that's one of the things where I think we're very good at doing is giving you actual scripts to use. So if you don't get it

already, get our free newsletter. Just sign up at CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com. Ask them to put-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com. Ask them to put you on the newsletter because then you get this and the words are actually written out. And I have parents who have an email inbox filled with all of our newsletters, and they can pull it up and say, oh, there's the script for that situation. And that's why, honestly, I love people listening to the CDs because you hear the tone all day long in your voice through me. And then when your kids come home or you see them, now you've got that tone of voice and you've got that script. And it's a really powerful thing. Quick question here is

this. For you to be honest about, when you tell your kids something, do you dread their response? Are you afraid they may not like you if you're tough with them? Because I get that a lot, right? I get even some dads are like, well, I don't want my child not to like me. And so, and moms do that too. And so when that happens, you're not leading with confidence. You're trying to judge their response and you're manipulating in a way, right? Rather than not leading with confidence. You're trying to judge their response and you're manipulating in a way, right? Rather than being firm with things. So anyway, I want you to work on this. Okay. Let's work on this before the school year starts. And here's one way I'd like you to do this. And I call this like, this is one of the big secrets to stop the escalating and

lecturing. And I wrote this in a newsletter and it was based on an email I just got from a mom. And a mom said, I used to have so much guilt over yelling at the very kids I loved more than anything in the world. But when I finally worked on my own anxiety issues, my kids changed quickly. And she said, it's so counterintuitive, but it's changed my life and our family. Bingo, mom. Great job. Quickest way to change your child's behavior is first control your own. And the biggest thing that you can work on right now as we start school is not your kids, but working on your own anxiety about your kids' performance and behavior and future, right? So I want you to wrestle with this idea that the greatest gift you give your family is not what you do for them,

it is what you do for yourself. And it will sound very selfish, but it's not. And here's why. If you do not work on your own anxiety and control issues, you will find yourself lecturing and badgering and even maybe berating your kids. Because you're going to react to everything they do and take it personally and then make it about you. And that cycle never ends well. Because you see your child not living up to your situation, you're going to lecture them and say, Oh, if you would just apply yourself, you know, you're capable of so much more. And I don't know what, and then your kids will end up shutting down. They will resist you. They may talk back. They'll go more slowly when you're in a hurry. And that really has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with you. And you're the only

person that you can change. And I've said this a lot recently, but I want it to sink in. When I was in that kind of freak dad mode, always reacting, what I was telling my son is this. I need you to behave right now and do what I say, because if you don't behave, I'm not sure I can behave, and you do not want to see me angry. See, instead of controlling myself, I was trying to control my son precisely because I couldn't control myself. I was asking a child to manage the emotions of a grown adult.

And that's just wrong and it doesn't end well. But when you begin the day with the mindset that the only person I can control today is myself, and I focus on controlling and calming my own anxiety and my own worry and frustration and my own need for things to go just right, my perfectionist tendencies and my control issues and my need for kids to do the things the way I want it done, you will discover three things. One, when your kids act out, you'll find that you don't react and lecture and take it personally. And so instead of making it about you, you are able to respond with calm, confident authority.

Number two, you have the clarity to see that that child screaming at you is really crying out for help. And instead of you needing the child to behave so that you can behave, you become the trusted leader and authority figure who provides and protects for your child. See, we're all into like, well, I'm the authority figure. Well, my tough message to you is act like it because we're not acting like it. We're acting like, well, I'm the bully and the boss and I need you to do things my way. And if you don't, I'm just going to yell at you or lecture you. It's not what an authority figure does, right? My job is to be there for my child to become that trusted leader so that my child actually feels safe coming to me with his issues because I've

got answers and solutions for him, not just another lecture and demeaning him because they never listen. Number three, you begin to calm situations instead of escalating them because all of that talking, the lectures, all of those things, all of that pressure merely escalates every single time. And once you begin to calm situations and it becomes very natural, you're going to start connecting with your kids. And when you connect with your kids, you will find that they become more compliant and helpful. And the other side benefit is this once you slow your internal world down and it's not all spinning with your own anxiety and drama now you can look outwardly and you begin to help other people and notice that it's all it's not all about me and so watch how this works when I focus on

controlling and calming myself when I focus on taking care of my own internal world, ironically, it enables me to be much more giving and outward focused. Does that make sense? So the greatest gift I give my family is not what I do for them. It is what I do for myself so that they don't have to walk on eggshells and manage my own emotions. And look, this took me three years, a long time ago, and like $3,000 in therapy to learn this stuff. And so I know people complain at times like, oh, your products are so expensive, but they're really not because you're changing your entire family tree for generations. And most of the time, when I do pricing for our stuff, I make it kind of based on therapy, right? So if we've got a program like this week's special,

go onto our website, celebratecalm.com, you'll see a thing, get the bag. And we've got it reduced in price for the cost of one trip to a therapy to therapy. I'm going to give you like 12 hours of very practical strategies to show you how I calm down. And we're going to throw in how to get your kids to learn the first time. Kate, uh, Casey's program, my son's program, teaching your kids how to control their own emotions and impulses. And we're going to give you insight into all of everything we know about strong-willed kids. Anyway, if you need help with that, go to the website, find it on there under Get the Bag. You can look under a product section. Also, email my son. His name's Casey. He'll help you out. He is just like, was just like your kids. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. He will help you if you want us to come to your

school, right, or your church, or like we're speaking up to a foster care organization. If you want us speaking and bringing this live, reach out to Casey. You can call him at 888-506-1871, and he'll help you out with all of that. But this week, let's work on this. Work on this for the next few days, putting your time into controlling yourself, into working on yourself, into controlling your tone of voice, and watch how your kids respond differently to you. Hey, thanks for being a parent. I know this is hard work, but I know you're up for it. I believe you're capable of changing and changing your family tree. So thanks for doing this. If we can help you, just reach out to us at Celebrate Calm. Love you all. Bye-bye.