Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Deal With Emotions

Episode Date: January 21, 2020

Want to get your kids to listen and control themselves? Then model that for them. Kirk shares some unexpected insights and shows you how to deal with your child’s and spouse’s emotions in a mature way. Extra helpful for men! Follow this advice and you’ll have better kids and a better connection. Go to www.CelebrateCalm.com/valentines-day/ for a special $99 price (regularly $497) on our Calm Couples program. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey everybody, welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Today we're going to talk about, I think the title of this is going to be

Better Kids, Better Connection, Better Sex, because Valentine's Day is coming up. Don't tune out even if you're divorced, if you're divorced and dating, if you're single, if you're happily married, not happily married, whatever it is, it's going to apply to all of us because we're going to work in a little bit of everything. But I know that we were doing this live workshop in Louisville, Kentucky last fall, and we did it on one on marriage. And I noticed a lot of women there, not too many men. And the men that were there, a lot of them were there because their wives made them go. But they loved it because the stuff that we do on marriage, really practical, everyday stuff that you can use and it hits pretty hard. Plus, we have fun with it,

right? Especially at the live events, there was something that happened, and by the end of it, the men were like, I'm glad I came, because we did veer into the topic of sex, which people get nervous about, which I don't know why, but don't be so whatever with that. So anyway, so it's awesome. So the guys in the audience were like, if you had titled this, How to Have More Sex with Your Spouse, I would come back again and again and again. So part of that is that. But anyway, look, here's a big picture for you. This is the way I think the design was supposed to work. So you take two adults and you put them together. And these two adults are going to be very broken people who have very different backgrounds, who are by nature, probably like most of us, a little bit defensive, or we want to, self-preservation is a big deal to human beings. And so we become kind of short-sighted and selfish

at times. So you take a couple, you put two people together who by nature are probably irritating, have all kinds of weird little quirks, who are annoying in different ways, and who are very broken, who really probably don't have a lot of great relationship skills because they get married when they're young, you put them together in a house. And then what you do is you add more people. So you adopt or have some other little creatures who are also broken and selfish and annoying. And then you say, good luck with that. Here's your white picket fence. Have a great life.

And so the purpose of relationships, okay, is not happiness. And if you've been married for a while, you know that. That's a joke, but it's also probably true. But the purpose of relationship is not happiness. It is transformation. It will change who you are when you are in relationship with other people. So today we're going to talk about a couple different skills and a couple different ways of looking at relationships that I think are really going to help you. And look, don't tune out because here's what I know in the history of our organization over 20 years. If I talk to people about, oh, here's how to get your kids to be confident and

successful and stop the power struggles, people are all over it. They'll listen to all the podcasts, they'll buy the CDs, they'll do everything, come to live events. but as soon as I say hey we're gonna work on your marriage relationship crickets nobody wants to hear it no no I don't want to do it I'll do anything for my kids but the spouse thing uh you know what just it's not worth it I've tried and I know when I'm speaking front front of a live audience, as I look at the women, the wives, and I'll be like, I can see it. You see it in the body language. And I know that 40% of the women sitting out there and probably listening to this podcast are thinking, you know what? I've tried. I've talked to my husband, but he just puts me off. He dismisses me. And he says he's going to try, but then he really doesn't do anything to show that. And I'm tired of being dismissed and ignored.

And I'm in a marriage to a decent man, but I feel alone. And like we're not even connected to each other. And so, you know what, I'm just going to focus on the kids now. Because I don't really have the emotional energy anymore to focus on my spouse. And so I'll just count down the days. I'll make my child's childhood pretty as good as I can. We'll get them off to college. And then I'll get a divorce and I'll go out and I'll do something else. It's very, very common. And a lot of men standing out there probably thinking similar thoughts, but in their minds, it's often, I just don't know how to do this. Like, I literally

don't know how to do this. Like, I'm a decent guy, but how do you connect emotionally? How do you do that? And I'll try to do that very practical ways in a future podcast for you. And so you have this dynamic where people don't want to do this. But what I want you to know is this is extremely helpful for your kids. If you think that your marriage doesn't affect your kids, just weigh off on that. Your kids know when you're fighting. They know when you're tense. They can feel it.

And it does affect them because guess what? You're not on the same page as your spouse and your kids know that and they'll use that to their advantage, right? To come between you. And by the way, I just got an email from parents who are like, you know, we're really struggling with our strong-willed nine-year-old. He's causing problems in our marriage. No way. You don't get away with saying that. That's BS, right? Or a nine-year-old. Is your nine-year-old difficult? Absolutely. We had that. Casey's a difficult kid, right? And we dealt with all of those kids who are very difficult. But that's not the problem with your marriage, right? It's just exacerbating.

It's showing you where the cracks in your relationship are, but he's not causing the problems, right? So we can't do that. So look, it's really good for your kids. Watch, get this picture again. So the plan is we're going to take two of these broken people and put them together and they're going to have kids. And now they're going to have to go and learn how to get along with each other and thrive.

And that's what I want to do with our stuff is make it very practical. Because I've read books like on, look, I read the books on mindfulness. And it's always by a guy who lives in the south of France. And he meditates four hours a day on his monastery-like existence. I'm like, that's sweet. It's pretty cool. But here's what I'm waiting for. The book on mindfulness from the plumber or electrician or busy executive

or small business owner who's married and has two kids and he's struggling to pay the mortgage. I'll read that book. Tell me how to be mindful then, right? How do you do this in the context of all the stresses of life? Plus, if you're listening to this podcast, you have a strong-willed child who is very challenging and absorbs a lot of the energy in your marriage because a strong-willed child is usually great one-on-one. But then when both parents are there during an activity, it's horrible, right? And so

the purpose of relationships is transformation. Marriage is going to change who you are because you are up against another person and with them every single day. And they know all of your flaws. They know them. And so you're naked right in front of that person because you can't get away with the hiding that you do for everybody else. And it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. And you're going to come face to face with all your insecurities and marriage and relationships are either going to cause you to grow up or grow apart. And unfortunately, what's happened is nobody ever teaches us this before we get married. They all paint the little picture. Oh, you're such a beautiful couple.

It's going to be awesome. You're going to have kids. You're going to have a white picket fence. You're going to have all this. You're going to do that. And they don't tell you the reality, which is you're in for the ride of your life. Because after the newness wears off, it's going to be tough. And you're going to find that you have a lot of insecurities. And you have all kinds of issues that you brought from childhood. And bad patterns that you have had your whole life that you never knew existed until you got into your marriage and started having kids.

And now these patterns start winding themselves around, right? Back around. You're like, oh, crap. I didn't even realize that when I was younger. Well, that's why we're in this. Relationships can either cause you to grow up and take stock of yourself and change who you are, or you're just going to grow apart because it's just too hard to deal with this stuff. And we get this a lot of times when I'm talking to women who had been divorced and they're like, well, next time I just need to find the right man. And I'll say, you know, I'm not even sure that's true. I think next time you need to become the right person

and see if this makes sense. This is not blaming, but see if this makes sense. How many of you out there have a girlfriend who's been divorced or is going, or single even, or young and is going through relationships and yet she always ends up with a controlling man. Why is that? Is that because she's a bad person? No. Is it because she's a bad man picker? Yeah. No. It's because there's something within her that attracts controlling men. And I kind of know that because that's the pattern that developed in our own marriage. I'm the type A, go forward kind of guy. My wife's more the quiet, reflective, introspective, which I am too as well. But we had this pattern in our marriage where we were like perfectly imperfect in many ways for each other. And what

needed to change was not changing her or her not changing me. It was each of us learning to change ourselves. Because for that mom, that woman that I'm talking about, she's going to keep attracting those controlling men to her until she changes something within herself, right? That's not blaming. This is powerful. And this is what we talk about all the time with parenting. The only person in life that you can control is yourself. And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. And I promise you in your relationships, it's the same thing works. So let's go through this. Let me do one or two examples of this. So one of the things I always

talk about with Teach Men is, look, I'll give you one phrase, one sentence that you need to master with your wife. And it's this, honey, I totally get that you're frustrated. Or honey, totally understand why you'd be overwhelmed right now. Zip. Nada. Done. Nothing else after that. You don't have to say, but if you would just do this. No, don't prove your point. Your wife is not looking for you to explain her way out of her negative emotions right now or being emotional. She's not looking for, honey, you know, you're just overreacting.

It's really not that bad because your wife is never going to say, honey, I'm so glad I married someone who is always right because I have these illegitimate emotions that I know I shouldn't actually have. And so I can always count on you to let me know that I'm overreacting or to prove what I'm doing wrong. It makes me feel safe and secure as a woman. Let's go have sex. That's never going to happen. So stop proving your point. Look, that took me a year. Honestly took me a year of writing that affirmation out and saying it every day. I do not have to prove my point. I do not have to be right. Other people have the right to their opinion and to hold it and to be wrong if they want to be wrong. It is not my job to fix other people. It's not my job to make other people happy. It is not my job to prove that they're wrong.

It is not my job to fix other people's emotions. Watch what's happening here in this situation. Come home and your wife's had a bad day or your husband. Again, don't get hung up on the gender here. It works both ways, but I'm just using this as my kind of example. So wife has had a bad day or wife is frustrated. And here's what's really happening inside the man. What's going on inside is when I start to hear those emotions, I don't know what to do with it. And it makes me uncomfortable. So I want to change those emotions or stop them.

So I immediately go to, honey, there's no need to be upset right now. And then I'll go into my rational explanation of how we can get out of this. But you know what I'm really saying? What I'm really saying is, honey, I need you to change your mood because it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Let's do that again. Honey, I need you to change your mood, not for your sake, but for my sake, because I can't handle it when you're upset, when you're unhappy, when you're quiet, when you're whatever it is. Does that make sense? We could do an hour on that alone. We're not.

But let's, okay, so watch. Here's what growing up or growing apart. Growing up means I become mature enough to know I don't have to fix his or her mood. I don't have to fix it. It's not my job. So instead, maturity says, hey honey, I totally get why you'd be frustrated right now. I'd love to listen to you. I'd love to hear you. So if you want to talk about it, I'm free, preferably at halftime, but I'd love to listen to you. And I give my wife space to do that. Now, do I really want to listen? No, I don't. Not really all the time, if I'm being honest. But that's the considerate, thoughtful thing to do. And sometimes, for the men listening, that's all she wants is a little hug. And for you to acknowledge, we call it the power of acknowledgement. It's what we do with our kids. Kids are getting

frustrated. Oh, totally get that you'd be disappointed right now. I'd be disappointed too. Right? Not saying like, oh honey, there's no need to be upset. We do it to our kids all the time. There's no need to be upset. Yeah, there is because I like my one hoodie sweatshirt and I wear it 18 days in a row and you just washed it and I don't have anything else to wear. And I'm going to be upset and you're going to be like, there's no need to be upset. There's 14 other sweatshirts. I don't like any of those, right? And so we do it literally every day with our kids. Well, I don't know why my child gets up and she's grumpy in the morning. Well, maybe because she's waking up.

I was going to say maybe she's waking up and you're her mother and father. But that's it. Maybe you're annoying in the morning. And maybe your daughter or son just wants to wake up and just have things be quiet. Why can't you honor that? Why do the kids have to come in one morning? Good morning, mother. It's a beautiful day. I'm excited about all the opportunities and I can't wait to learn at school. You know, that'd be awesome to hear, but that's not real life. Why do your kids' moods bother you so much?

That's a huge trap. Now I'm tempted to go do the parenting thing because it's much more fun. And people always order our parenting stuff. People do anything for their kids, right? And they want to do their kids. When it comes to your marriage, it's like, eh, not so much, right? And that's why people won't go to marriage therapy. By the way, marriage therapy is really, really hard.

And that's why we developed. Somebody do this really quickly. So we got this marriage program. It's called Calm Couples University. It's really, really, really practical and good. And we created this with men in mind because most men won't go to marriage therapy. It's really expensive. And we feel like we're being teamed up on because I know

as a guy, when I went and did it, here's what it feels like. Yeah, so look at my wife over there. She's read like 18 different books on relationships. I read the table contents. She's kind of naturally good at this stuff and I'm really good at work. Not so good at this stuff and now there's this therapist who's a professional at being good at this stuff. And now there's this therapist who's a professional at being good at this stuff. Now it's kind of two against one and I'm going to feel humiliated and like an idiot. So yeah, not really my thing. And that's how I felt. I'll share a story in a later podcast about that. It's actually really emotional and really interesting. But so but so we created this program. So you can go through from home. So in the early days, we were like, look, this took us 20 years of

struggling and a lot of marriage therapy and a lot of fights and a lot of, not so much fights, but wrestling. We didn't, we didn't really fight about stuff so much. We just wrestled with all this stuff for 20 years. And we're like, let's sell for $997,000. Why? Because I wanted people to invest in. I'm like, if you're going to change your marriage, look, if you don't work on your marriage, it's going to cost you at least $10,000 in legal fees, at least. And for the men out there, if you think it's going to be awesome once you're free to be on your own and do stuff, you're going to have to give up half your 401k. So it could cost you literally hundreds of thousands of dollars. Besides all of the emotional turmoil, if you think getting divorced is easier than going through this, it's not. It won't be easier than this. It's going to provide its own brutal thing.

So I encourage you to do it. So you know what we're doing? So we had a family meeting. We're like, okay, we're going to do this Valentine's Day thing, but I'm not going to do it in February. I'm going to do it earlier because I want people to dig into this stuff now. So you know what a great gift would be for a husband to tell his wife is, I want to work on our relationship. You know, wives, tell your husband this. Just say, look, I don't need the flowers. I don't need the jewelry. I don't need all the cliche stuff. Could we work on our relationship? Can we do the hard work? That would be a great gift because that's a gift to your kids.

Your kids are watching. And you know what they're learning? Are my parents able to handle conflict? Can they handle when things don't go well? So you're teaching them. Look, we do all this lecturing and all this other stuff. Oh, we got to get them into the right, watch, this is really good point. We got to get them into the right school, the right preschool, the right private school, the right public school, move to the right neighborhood. We got to get them to the

right college. And all the time, what we miss is the greatest teacher in their lives, the greatest education they're getting is watching you every single day, how you handle life. That's what we need to put the focus on. It doesn't really matter where your kids go to school. It doesn't. They've got a good parent or two good parents who are modeling good stuff for them. They're going to be fine in life. They go to the best schools in the world, but if their mom and dad are a train wreck or can't deal with life, it's not going to end up that well. Because guess what? They get the expensive education and expensive job,

and then they're going to repeat the same pattern, and then they're going to have screwed up relationships and lose all of their money as well. So it's a really cool thing. So here's what we decided. If you go to the website, calm.com um you look we're going to have a little tab there it'll see like valentine's day or calm couples not sure yet we're going to make it 99 why because i don't want people to have an excuse not to do it is it worth more than that darn right it is because it's going to save you thousands of dollars. I'm making $99 to do this.

How can you not do that? And so I want you to take advantage of it. And I want you to start doing it now. Listen to it now. And here's why. This is very personal to me. We're traveling a lot later in January. Next couple of weeks, we're going to be all over the place in Kansas City and Iowa and Nashville and, hold on, let me look, Michigan, all kinds of different places, really cool, Illinois, close to Wisconsin. In February, not traveling a lot. So you know what I was thinking in my mind? Okay, if people start listening to this program and go through it, you can email me and I'll answer your questions because I always make a priority. If I get a dad who's emailing me, asking me for help, high priority because most of the emails, 97% of emails are from moms and women.

I get a guy into it all over. You start asking about questions with marriage, high priority, getting back to you all. Spend a lot of emotional energy with you if you go through the program and listen to it because this is more important than you can possibly imagine and most people won't do it. So when I can look at my wife and I can say, hey, honey, I can tell you're frustrated. If I were frustrated, if I were you, I'd be frustrated too. And then I hug her. And guys, that's all she's looking for, just the acknowledgement. You don't have to overcome it. You don't have to talk her out of it. That's maturity to say, I can handle you when you're at your worst. I can handle you and I can handle the situation when you're having a bad day and let me work in the better kids, better connection, better sex.

I guarantee you, men. I guarantee you. You start growing up and handling your wife in a mature manner like that, she will want you. She will want you emotionally. She will want you in every way. And that's not being funny. It's just true because we're always like, because it's a very emotional thing for women. And if she, look,

I tell this in live workshops, if you're married to a woman and you dismiss her all the time, or you're always proving your point and she has to walk on eggshells around you, or when you come home you always just yell at the kids guess what she's not going to be like oh that's the man that I love and married I want to go have sex with him no she's not but I guarantee you when your child's melting down and you grab a football and go out play catch or you sit on the floor you calm that child down I guarantee you inside your wife there's a little bit of like, that's a man. That's what I'm looking for. When your wife is having a bad day and you can look

at her and say, yeah, I can get why you'd be frustrated too. This is really tough. Listen, I'm going to go for a walk. If you want to join me and talk, I'd love to listen to you. I guarantee you she will walk you right to a hotel. I'm kidding. But it's true because when you start to connect on a deeper level like this, and you know what that's about? Here's the good news. You don't have to fix your spouse. You have to change yourself. You can do that. You can do that. And it is so liberating to know I don't have to fix him. I don't have to fix her.

Wives, do your own introspection. What are all the different ways you're trying to fix your husband? Because I guarantee you are, and it's very, very subtle. Some of you married an engineer. Oh, I just wish he would connect emotionally. Oh, you married an engineer. Good luck with that. Be patient with him. He'll learn how to do it. But if you're expecting him to be some super vulnerable, ultra open man, and you married an engineer or writer or a mathematician or someone like that, it's probably not happening right away. And so here's what the man...

Watch, this is good. So wives, when you are having a bad day, being emotional in any way, or just want to express yourself, and your husband kind of shuts you down or can't deal with it, what does that make you feel like inside? Makes you feel like he's not accepting you as you are, and he can't really deal with who you are as a person. Well, the same thing happens with your subtle little comments and your subtle little digs or those little looks that you give your husband when he's not so great at doing all of this stuff. And you know what he internalizes?

She doesn't like who I am. Like, how am I ever going to please her? Because sometimes he does try to do things, right? He tries to help out around the house. He tries to help out with the kids. But then there's always a little comment because it's never quite good enough for you. And so you know what husband does? He does the same thing as you do. He begins to retreat and withdraw. And that's what I did in my marriage.

I just figured, you know what? I'm good at working. I'll go earn a living. She can handle that stuff. I'll handle this part. We'll divide and conquer.. She can handle that stuff. I'll handle this part. We'll divide and conquer. It'll be fine. It's not going to be fine because you can only take so much of being dismissed and trying to change. But look, I pick on men a lot because I'm a guy and because we just struggle with this stuff. But it's not just men. It's all of us. We all try to fix and change each other because we make each other uncomfortable. And the problem is it doesn't work. And so I want you to, so for this week, let's work on that.

Let's work on this skill of just learning to listen, to be assertive about what you need. We'll get into that in a future one. But accept each other as you are and where you are and be patient with each other. And this week, let's begin to be a little introspective. How are you trying to change your spouse? How are you trying to fix their emotions? What is it that you don't like about your spouse? And why do you keep trying to change that? I'm going to close this with a story. This was, we were to, I think it was a homeschooling convention. I always do like a marriage thing there.

And it's awesome. Get the program, by the way, is really good. And I'll walk through. It's on our website, celebrate calm.com. I would say like contact Casey if you need help, but I'm not going to discount more than 99, less than $99. What do you want? That sounds kind of jerky, but I really mean that. Like, what need help, but I'm not going to discount less than $99. What do you want? That sounds kind of jerky, but I really mean that.

I mean, come on. Work through this stuff. So I was talking to this guy. His name was Jason. Nobody's going to know, but his name's Jason. And he's irritated at his wife, and to his credit, he said, I know this isn't right, but it feels like I'm just tolerating her, right? And so the problem he has with his wife is she's kind of a little bit of a negative person at times.

And so he really likes his daughter because his daughter is a go-getter. She's like, oh, she's like, I'm going to do it. She's positive attitude. I'm going to roll in life. And so Jason, this man really likes his daughter, but he doesn't really like his wife because she's kind of heavy in a way emotionally. And she feels burdened. And he will say things to her like, why can't you just share some happy parts of the day with me? And I'm like, oh. And so he's like, should I go to her and tell her, like, I'm tolerating you? And I'm like, sure. If you want to get divorced, do that. Like, you know, sometimes you want to wrap people on the head.

But in the moment, this sounds really hard. We all do stupid stuff like that. I'm like, yeah, that's not the kind of honesty that we're looking for. Oh, honey, I'm just tolerating you because you're just a negative person. But I love our daughter because she's happy like me. And so I'm talking to them in the hallway and I'm really trying to weigh what I'm going to say with him. And what hit me was what we've been talking about. It's your issue, Jason. You need to apologize to your wife. Now, let's get some balance here too. I don't know why his wife is heavy. His wife may be a little bit heavy emotionally and burdened down because that

may just be partly her personality style. It might be because Jason isn't doing enough to help her to take the load off, right? And maybe she actually senses that Jason loves their daughter, but not her, right? So anyway, I told him, I said, so you came here asking me the question of like, how can we change my wife? And what we're going to end up with is this is your own immaturity and this is your issue. And what Jason needed to do was release his wife to be who she's supposed to be. Right. And let go of trying to control her. And instead, so I gave him, I said, for the next year, here's what we're going to do. And I'll walk through this with you. We're going to work on changing yourself and your reaction to your wife so that, and I guarantee you when you do this, what's going to happen is when you accept her as she is and stop trying to

control her moods, she will begin to control her own moods. So here's what's really cool. Cause I've stayed in touch with Jason cause he's a man wanting to change. I'm getting these updates like every couple months. He'll write. He'll be like, hey, it's getting better. It's getting better. Getting some breakthroughs. I'm like, well, did you change her? He's like, duh.

I changed my attitude. And something has happened because I'm actually enjoying my wife again. Okay, so you're not just tolerating? No, what I learned is it was my own dysfunction and my own need because I don't deal well with things that are negative because I never learned how to do it. But now I'm learning how to walk in it and stay in it and live in it. And I'm learning how to support my wife when she's having a hard day. And what I'm finding is by supporting her instead of changing her,

it's giving her the emotional strength to actually work on it herself and change. Bingo. Cool as crap. I love that. Go Jason and guys like you. So this week, we're going to work on changing ourselves. If we can help you, reach out. My son's email, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. You can schedule workshops with him so we can come to your town. If you need help with any of our other products that we have, email him. He'll help you within the budget, except for the relationship, Calm Couples one. I'm not going lower than 99. Some of you need to pay me like 299 or 699 for it. Order like, I want someone to do this, and I really mean this. This is sound really awful.

But this is what's in my head. So I'm just going to share it because I really mean this. Someone I want to order this and I want them to help them so much that they go on and they order like five of them. So they pay me like $500. And if you do that, when you can share it with other people, I'll donate the $500 to charity, right? But you know why I say that? It's because there's something that happens when people invest because it says, this is important to us. That's all buying stuff is. I want the big screen. You know why? Big

screen's important because I love watching the football game or the movies. I don't have a big screen. But that's what we're saying with our stuff. And so I want one person, because I think it would be really cool, especially if they go through the program and it changes your marriage, go back and buy like 10 of them or whatever it means to you. And I promise you I'll show you my receipt. I'll give that money to charity. But it would be such a cool thing. Anyway, you don't have to do that.

Just do the 99 one. Anyway, if you need help, reach out to us. We'd love to help you. I'm going to do another podcast. The next one one i'm not going to have all the setups so it'll be shorter i'll get right into kind of owning your part so we're not in the victim and villain kind of mentality and it's going to be really cool and i'm going to do an example in the next podcast for men on like how we can really get to where you have more and better sex because your husbands will listen to that podcast. So this is part one. We'll do part two another time. Talk to you later. Have a great day. Bye.