Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Discipline Without Anger

Episode Date: June 11, 2023

How to Discipline Without Anger  A Dad at a conference asked, “How can I give my kids the benefits of discipline without the anger and broken relationships I experienced as a kid?” Kirk shows you exactly how to do this. Good discipline leads to a confident child (instead of one who beats himself up) AND a closer relationship.  Need more help? Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Questions? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine, no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is OneSkin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin.

OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at oneskin.co. That's 15% off at oneskin.co with code KIRK. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them, so please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K to 12.

IXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback, and parents love knowing specific skills that need work. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now.

Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So I'm speaking at a conference in New York and this young dad asked a really great question. He said, I was raised by a dad who disciplined us and kind of that old school, my way or the highway approach. And I'm thankful now for the discipline he imparted into my life, but I'd like to do that without the anger and without the broken relationship. It's really cool how he phrased that, right? He said, I find myself angry. And so if I can't discipline without anger,

then I just don't do anything and I let my wife do it. So how can I discipline without the anger? And that's a really well-crafted question. And that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help with anything, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family.

What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. We talk about the situation. We will reply to you personally, directly with very practical tools because that's our mission. So let's begin answering this question, but I want to start conceptually. You know that I have a very distinct desire approach of I like just hopping into the very practical, here's how you do it. But I think, but I want to start with some thought experiments here and get to the big picture first. And this is a real, before we drill down into specifics. So

number one, why did you have kids in the first place? And I find myself asking parents this because they're like, well, my kids are just doing this and it's so hard. I was like, what were you expecting? Did you have kids because you thought that you would just have these little humans running around? They're just going to listen to you all the time and do the right thing and always make the right decision. You know, live how you don't, right? Because you don't make the right decisions every day. You and I continually mess up. We don't give our best effort to everything. We give our best effort to certain things, the right things.

But you have expectations of your kids that you don't hold yourself to. True, right? And so why did you have kids in the first place, right? And did you decide to have a child so that during this child's first 18 years on earth, you could walk around hounding that child, pointing out every single thing they do wrong or every single thing they don't do to your exact expectations or specifications the way you do it or the way you want them to do it? Did you have a child so

you could live on edge, always needing to jump in and correct that child? It's one of my favorite terms. I just need to correct my child. And then you ask like, well, my child doesn't like being corrected. Who does? Right? Like, come on. And so, right. And you feel like you always have to correct that child and send them to the room and be continually frustrated with them. Is that what you signed up for? Because that's what happens, right? That's what this is devolved into with the strong-willed child. And see, once you are exasperated and frustrated, you can't discipline well. You can't discipline correctly because you're on edge and you're angry. And I have another thought experiment, and this is for my more religious friends or Christian friends or maybe formerly religious

friends. Consider this thought experiment. Imagine you are God and you're contemplating the creation of mankind. Is this your thought? Hey, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to breathe my very life and being into the souls of these little creatures of my creation. And then for their entire lives on earth, I'm going to continually keep my eyes on them, pointing out every single time they don't live up to my expectations. I'm going to make them feel guilty for being flawed. I'm going to shame them for their stupid mistakes. And I'm going to shame them for their stupid mistakes and I'm going to punish them for missing the mark and generally just be frustrated with and disapprove of their actions

continually. Yeah, that sounds about right, right? Because a lot of us have that conception and that bleeds into our parenting. Or do you think that a creator's thoughts would or could be this? I'm going to breathe my very essence into these flawed children and constantly shower my love on them, enjoy them in all their imperfection, guide them, teach them, encourage them when they do things that hurt themselves or others. And I'm ultimately going to build a trusting relationship

with them so I can actually enjoy them. Right? But you don't actually believe that because most of us grew up with the former thought. And so this ends up being your default paradigm for parenting your kids. Here's what it is. Thought number two. Well, my job is to discipline my child. Isn't it interesting that that becomes the overriding thought for so many of us, including me, right? That's what it was for me. My job as the dad is to instill discipline because I don't want you to grow up and make the same mistakes I made. It's actually a noble goal, but it begins to subsume or override the real job we have, which is to love and encourage and enjoy our kids. I want you to really think about that because along the way, what really changed our family is I changed my focus from this. I'm the disciplinarian of the

family. By the way, when you hear I'm the disciplinarian, does that ever conjure up any image other than that of a harsh, rigid mom or dad wielding the belt or sharp words, right? So I changed from my job is to be the chief disciplinarian of our home to I'm the giver of wisdom and tools. I am the giver of wisdom. I'm the giver of tools. So number three, our definition of discipline is almost always wrong or misguided. We think we need to correct and punish and give consequences, but discipline literally means to teach. It's where we get our word to disciple, which means we show and model how to live and treat others by modeling it for them and showing them. And I would add by patiently doing this. See, if my idea of discipline is to correct a child's errant ways, it usually just stops at barking consequences, telling them, cut it out, stop doing that, and getting angry and frustrated

at them, which isn't teaching. It's just parenting out of frustration. What do I have to do to get through to you? You can't continue to do this. How many times do I have to tell you? That's just frustration. I'm not teaching anything. It's really just instilling shame, right? And creating more failure, right? Because that's why your kids start to say, I'm stupid, I'm dumb, nobody likes me, because we kind of end up reinforcing that. But here's what my focus becomes. Son, daughter, you're misguided in your actions, and that's hurting yourself, right? Look, you're at discipline, good discipline is you're advocating for the child, for the child's best interests, not what's most convenient for you, right?

Cut that out because I'm trying to enjoy our day, right? Sometimes, if we're honest, that's what it's about. I'm advocating for the best interests of my child because when my child messes up, he or she is usually hurting himself or herself, right? When my son was yelling, right? Yelling at my wife, yelling at his mom, right? He ends up losing all of his stuff, right? That doesn't, right? So son or daughter, you're misguided in your actions and that's hurting yourself and others. And when you hurt other people, guess what happens? You feel guilt, doesn't feel good, and it hurts relationships. So

again, that hurts you as well. So I want to give you wisdom so you understand why you are doing that. And then I'm going to give you tools to show you a different way. And then I will reinforce those lessons by modeling those very attributes on a daily basis myself in how I treat your mom or dad, how I treat you and your siblings and neighbors and other people on the roads and politicians and people I disagree with politically, right? I'm going to give you wisdom. I'm going to give you tools, and I'm going to model that. See, that teaches kids.

That instills things into them, right? So let me give you a few examples and some more principles here. So I'll give you just this quick example. Casey with Attitude. So Casey's about 10, 11, 12. He comes to me with that tone and you all know that tone, right? It's disrespectful. It's kind of full of himself. And you have every right to discipline. Son, you're not going to talk to me like that to your room for the rest of your life. Because that's basically what it becomes, right? Just go to your room, get away from me. You calm down, I'll calm down, right? Instead, one day I stepped back and I physically stepped backwards because body posture is really important and also learning how to calm myself and give kids space, right? Instead of stepping

into them, I stepped back and I said, hey, Casey, listen. And notice the tone of voice here. Even matter of fact, listen, Casey, I've noticed this. The last 43 times that you've used that tone with me, because here's what I'm setting up. There's a pattern I'm seeing here, Casey. I'm seeing this pattern here. Every time that you talk to me with that tone, what it tells me is you're either anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry, right? Now, look, I'm giving him wisdom. He already knows that talking to me with that tone is wrong. He already knows that, right? Your kids know that from a young age. They know that tone is wrong. He already knows that, right? Your kids know that from a young age. They know that stealing is wrong.

The lying is wrong. They know all those things are wrong, right? So you don't have to like always, right? It's not discipline to give them a consequence for that. They already know they did that. That's why they lie about it because they know it's wrong. Casey knew that using attitude with us was wrong. I didn't need to point that out.

I can't believe that you would talk to me like that. What good does that do? I'm just taking it personally, right? By the way, it would be weird if your teenagers didn't occasionally have some attitude. I would think they were up to something if they were always mother, father. What kind of wisdom would you like to give me today? I'm all ears, right? That's what that would be weird. So when I stepped back and I decided I'm the giver of wisdom. And so I gave some wisdom to say, okay, so I noticed this pattern that when you use this tone of voice, you can use it with your child. Hey, when you're picking on your siblings, it's usually because you're not feeling good about yourself. You're down on yourself. Something happened at school. You got picked on

at school. So now you're taking out on your brother or sister. See, I'm giving him wisdom so he understands why he's doing that, right? Because that is hurting his relationship with me. It is hurting him because if he uses that kind of tone with me, I'm not going to take him and get him things, right? So wisdom. Now I start to give him tools and I can be firm in my discipline. Let me just do, hey, Case, so you've got two options right now. Notice the tone of voice. I'm not angry. I can't believe that you would talk to me like this. I'm just like, no, here's how I roll. Two options. Number one, son, you continue to talk to me like that and you're just going to lose all your stuff. It's just not going to end well for you. So there's no energy in that. I'm not taking it personally and I'm not making it personal either.

Please stop that. It's wounding to kids. It hurts them. It will crush your relationship. I don't have to say, you know what? You always use that tone. You know what? If you're going to use that tone in life with people, you're never going to be successful. You're going to end up being rejected by everybody. It's not helpful, right? So, son, you may continue to talk to me. Look, it's not going to work well for you. I'm giving them wisdom there. It's wisdom. I'm just reading the situation.

This is how it works, right? I'm not making it personal. But if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you out on the deck. I'll meet you in the basement and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. See, now I'm giving him some tools. Hey, because one of our tools is space, motion changes emotion. You go grab that. I'll grab this. I'll meet you in a different place that those are tools to calm down and now I'm modeling look I'm modeling the very attribute I want him to follow which is I'm being patient with another person who's not necessarily treating me very well and I am inviting him into conversation I'm

inviting him into problem-solving I'm inviting him into conversation. I'm inviting him into problem solving. I'm inviting him into relationship with me. Instead of go to your room, nothing wrong with that, but it's not ideal. Instead, it's, hey, son, there's something going on with you right now. And I want to give you wisdom so you understand why you're doing that. Then I'm going to show you a different way to handle it. And I'm going to model in this situation, not losing it and not getting upset and then turning around telling you, you need to learn how to calm yourself down, right? So watch when I'm doing this, when I meet my son back for chips and salsa, or a little kid we're building with Legos on the floor or we're

kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Now I get to problem solve with them. Hey, Case, look, you're using that tone. I'm curious. What was going on? Watch. I'm curious. You know, I know that you know talking to me like that, hitting your sister line, whatever it is. I know that you know, doing that behavior, I know you know that's wrong. I also know that you know when you do that, it hurts you. It's not good for you. So I'm curious, what's going on that would lead you to use that tone with me? What's going on? Something happened at school today. Are you frustrated about something? See, now I'm getting to the root of it, right? I'm getting to the root so we can actually problem solve. And I'm not taking it personally. And so then when he's like, dad, I'm just really frustrated because of X, Y, or Z, or I'm anxious because you signed me up for this

thing and I don't really want to go. And now I get to impart wisdom. Son, totally get that, Casey. If I were you, I'd probably be a little bit anxious too about this new thing that you're doing, right? It's normal to be anxious when you go to new places and try new activities because you don't know if you're gonna do it well. You don't know how it works. Perfectly normal, son.

So son, here's what I've found in life when I try new things. I tend to go to the new place a little bit early. And then I oftentimes like to go to whoever's in charge and say, hey, I'm going to be in your class. Can I help you with anything? Do you need any help with anything? Because sometimes they'll give me a job to do. And I like doing jobs because I'm really good at doing jobs. And it takes the focus off my own anxiety. And that way I get a personal relationship. I've connected personally with a person who's in charge of this event or this activity. And that calms me down and that relieves my anxiety. So watch how this works. Son, child comes to you with an attitude or doing something. You know what? How many times have I told you,

you can't talk to me like that. You need to stop doing that. Stop treating your sister like that. You cut it up, go to your room, all those things. Instead of that, it's, hey, listen, I've noticed a pattern here. Here's probably what's going on. So you've got a couple options. If you keep doing that, it's just not going to end well for you. But here's what I'd like to do right now. Will you come help me out with that? And sometimes you just go for a drive. Sometimes you ask them for help doing something because sometimes kids like doing a mission. You're not telling them, calm down right now, fix that. I'm de-escalating things.

And now I'm with my child and now I can get to the root. And I love the phrase, I'm curious. Curious, what's going on? See, I'm curious is I'm coming alongside of you to help you so you don't keep doing things that hurt you. Traditional discipline is I'm gonna stand above you and over you and tell you to cut it out or I'm gonna take things away from you, got it?

Right, I'm coming alongside. And so I want you to practice that this week because there's no anger. I'm not making it personal. I'm not angry at you, Casey. I'm just letting you know this isn't going to work well, right? This isn't going to work, but here's what would work and I'll show you a different way. So let me close with this. For one week, I want you to try this, right? Start talking to your kids, even matter of fact tone. Even talk to them like they're a business colleague, right? Because you don't walk around your office

like yelling and screaming at people like you do to your kids. If you do, you're a jerk, right? Nobody likes you at the office. It doesn't work at the office. You talk rationally with them and you problem solve when things go wrong. So I want you to try that.

For one week, simply do this. Walk into situations and sit down and observe them before you speak. Sit and watch. Just observe and then start asking questions and be curious and problem solve. If you want to take discipline to, instead of discipline, you could do it as I give wisdom and tools. You could be, let's substitute the word problem solve instead of discipline, right? I'm going to walk around and I'm going to teach my kids how to problem solve different situations. See, for the guys out there, that might be a really helpful paradigm because we like to problem solve. We like to fix stuff. So instead of fixing your kids and fixing the situation, let's teach them how to problem

solve. Let's teach them how to fix these things themselves. See, now I get to be a teacher, right? Impart your wisdom, not just discipline. Sit and observe. And for one week, this is for the dads especially, but moms too, only notice the things that they're already doing well. See, consequences don't really change behavior. Connection, relationships change behavior. So change your focus from being the chief disciplinarian in a home to being that mom or dad who is the giver of wisdom and tools, who teaches and shows a different way patiently, who affirms.

Notice everything your child is doing well. Plant a lot of little seeds and see what happens. If you need help with this, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com, and he'll help you out. Go to the website, CelebrateCalm.com. Look, it's very simple to me. I would get the Calm Parenting Package. It's 30 hours worth of instruction with an entire series on how to do this, how to discipline while building that connection, right? It's for the price of one trip to a therapist's office, but you get all the practical tools. Or if you want to get the entire package, go ahead and get that. It's worth it because it will change your family. If we can help you,

reach out to us. Thank you for listening to this podcast. I hope it was practical. I hope it challenges your thinking and also equips you and gives you tools to do it a little bit differently. And thanks for passing along the podcast to others. You guys are good parents. You know why? You're listening to a parenting podcast. It means you want to be a better parent. You're already a good parent. So let's just practice these things this coming week and watch how your kids respond differently to it's really cool alright love you all talk to you soon bye bye