Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Enjoy Your Challenging Child

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

How to Enjoy Your Challenging ChildKirk shares an emotional story about the exact moment he began to accept his strong-willed, difficult son. Learn three very powerful ways to rebuild your relationship, motivate your child, and enjoy him again. A must listen.You’ve wanted an Instruction Manual for this child. Now you can get one, at the lowest price ever, at www.CelebrateCalm.com/NOBS.Need help? Email [e-mail] or call 888-506-1871. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Because most of your kids, here's some insight. Most of your kids that are strong willed kids feel very different. It feels like life is swimming upstream for them. And this may be hard for you if you're more of kind of a compliant rule following person who kind of sailed through school. You're not going to understand these kids, but you have to because their number one trigger, I guarantee you, is this. Look, before I get into any of this stuff, I want you to do this with your kids. Ask them sometime this week, hey, does it ever feel like I've misjudged your motives? It is a huge trigger for your kids because they feel judged, they feel very misunderstood, and that will cause them to shut down. And what happens with these kids, it seems like everything's like swimming upstream. Everything's difficult. I get it. They make everything difficult. It's like no one's ever happy with them. It's like they're never happy. You end up getting a strained relationship because it's never good enough, right? These kids often will say, I feel teamed up on. It's like nobody

likes me. So what happens when that happens in your life? You end up shutting down. You become defiant. You're not motivated. You just sit and play on your video games and you don't do anything. And then what happens is your anxiety skyrockets as a parent because you start thinking like, well, what's going to happen to this child, right? Look, I just got this email from a parent, really good parents parents and they told me all about their child all about their child all about child and they're like well we're just unsure what the future holds for him well let me give you a little perspective on that and kind of reorient us because we get so caught up in our anxiety about what we need to do that we end up making things

worse for our kids the truth is I didn't know what the future held for me when I was 21, when I was 26. And that's when we had Casey. When I'm 35, when I'm 43, I didn't know what the future held. It was changing all the time, right? And so, you know, we don't, look, our parents gave us some space so that we could figure life out. And what they were saying was, we're going to give you some space because we believe that you're capable of figuring life out as it unfolds. Why don't we afford our kids the same opportunity, right? Because we're always trying like, well, you've got to figure out, you have your plans. Look, I'm all about plans.

I'm a very purposeful, intentional person. I taught Casey from a young age. If you want to get something done in life, you have to have written goals. They've got to be written. They've got to be specific. They've got to be measurable. I'm all over that stuff. We preach it. We teach it. We live it. But for many of your kids, you know what would really help them out is to have an adult in their life who would say, you don't have to have it all figured out now, but I've seen what you're capable of, and I know that your future is going to be good. It's going to be a struggle because that's part of life, but I believe you're capable of overcoming that.

But don't worry about having it all figured out yet. You don't have to know what your major in college is going to be. And by the way, many of us did things differently than we thought we were going to do in college, right? And so our life path took us in a lot of different ways. I want you to prepare your kids for a different life path, right? And so I think what happens is, well, I know what happens. We are contributing to our kids' anxiety. It's no wonder that kids today are vaping and smoking and all into video games and doing drugs and even a lot of really nice areas of the country, affluent areas, a lot of suicide. Why? Because there's so much parental anxiety.

And you can't separate that from your kids because we're the leaders in the home. And if we're all anxious and we're not sure and we're not confident in our kids, guess what? They're not going to be confident in themselves. And that's why we teach so much about the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. If you can't control your own anxiety, how are your kids going to control it? So I want you to normalize anxiety for your kids, normalize life for them, and let them know you're going to be all right. So watch what happens.

Our anxiety skyrockets. So we start to lecture and threaten our kids, and we start to plead with them. We're like, what can I do to get through to you? Because you're capable of doing so much more. And if you just apply yourself, you're not living up to your potential. And the kids shut down. Look, this stuff happens at age four. It happens at age two. Why isn't my child doing this?

Why is it? Look, and look, I encourage you, if you've got young kids, you can prevent a lot of these things from happening. Because guess what happens? By the time you get to middle school, by the time you get to the tweens and teens, no consequences work, no threats work, and the relationship is now damaged. And many of you find yourself in that place where your relationship is damaged. And you're going to try all kinds of things like a family contract like consequences and they're not going to work because it is human relationships and trust between a

parent and a child that will motivate your child that get will change your child's attitude that will get them to start working in school and so we always heard this from parents like i wish there was instruction manual for these kids. And we were like, there is because we we created one right based on our based on working with fifteen hundred kids in our home. I've worked with almost a million families now and over the years. And we've we've you know, in our own son. So anyway, I want to share something off of this. We just, we created this.

It's called the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong Willed Kids. Because you know what I want to do? Cut through all the crap. Sorry if you're offended by that word. But cut through all the crap and get right to it. Here's where you are. Here's where your child is. And here's the issue. And

that's why I just described the child who never feels like he's in control of himself and feels different, and parents who in subtle or not so subtle ways have pressured this kid, have never really accepted this child, and now they find themselves as standstill, like we don't know what we're going to do because our child's getting into all this stuff what do we do and so I want younger families of younger kids to listen and go through the program because you can prevent this from happening but if you are in the tween and teen years you have to do this and what we go through is 25 action steps and they're very very concrete they're very very specific and then we go through them in order. And I promise you will rebuild the relationship with your child, right? And so one of the steps is this. And I

want to tell kind of an emotional story about my relationship with Casey. As many of you know, I didn't like my son when he was a little kid because it was very difficult. And I just wanted him to listen, get with the program, not be so emotional. Just do what I tell you to do, right? It shouldn't be that hard. Why do you have to make everything so difficult? And I got on him and got on him. And I started to change when he was about nine and a half years old. We have an amazing relationship now, but part of it is because we fought for so long, but then we rebuilt it together. So here's the story.

He's about 10, 10 and a half. So we're just going into this process of rebuilding this. And he's playing ice hockey. Well, when I was a kid, I was a really aggressive. I'm really, I'm kind of an introvert. And I'm in many ways kind of, I can be sarcastic and jerky, but at the end of the day, I'm kind of a gentle person. But when I played sports, man, I had the killer instinct. I was highly competitive. It was a neighborhood we grew up in. And so he's playing ice hockey, which is a competitive physical sport. Casey's playing defense. I remember exactly where I was,

Ashburn, Virginia. We were at the ice rink there. He's on the south end of the ice rink, and a kid's skating down toward the goal. He skates right by Casey, scores a goal, and Casey goes over to him as a good sportsman with his stick, pats the guy on the butt, says, nice goal. I was furious. I got up on that glass and I kept pointing at the case. I'm like, you put his face through the glass. You don't pat his butt. Nice goal. Next time that kid comes into the zone, you better crush him. You better go after him. Because I wasn't completely calm by then. I was changing, but not completely. And I remember I was so intense, right? And there's all this anxiety because I want my son to have that killer instinct. Because if you don't have your killer instinct on

the ice, how are you going to have that killer instinct in life? And how are you going to push through things and be successful? And how are you going to overcome challenges and be successful in the business world and be great at life? And I get all that. But you can't project all of this stuff from a little kid into adulthood. And I had all this anxiety. Plus, there was all the, I was also kind of irritated. Do you know why? Because we were paying for travel ice hockey. It's expensive.

I'd spend a lot of time getting up at 6 o'clock in the morning, take my son to a stupid cold ice rink where everybody's freaks. And he wasn't even that good. And that made it worse because now I'm embarrassed. Watch, I'm embarrassed. Watch, I'm embarrassed in front of the other parents because it's supposed to be competitive hockey. And my son gives up a goal like that. Well, now the other parents are like, oh, Casey Martin lost the game. So all of that's playing out too. And so I'm down there against the ice and Casey just

looks over at me and I can see his eyes right through his helmet, through the little mask cage he has on. And you know what hit me at that moment? My son isn't me. My son isn't me. He's just not me. And that was really hard for me because I wanted him to be like me. And almost all of us want that, if we're honest, because we have control issues and it's much more comfortable. I wanted him to be like me.

And I had to reconcile the fact that my son was not me. He doesn't have the killer instinct at sports. So I had to let that go. And it started this whole process with him of learning how, and I'm going to give you a few steps off the No BS program. By the way, I should have said it before. Look, we're coming up on Thanksgiving, Christmas time. And not that we're not giving other times a year because we try to be very giving to people. But I like people to invest in our stuff. You know why?

Because we've invested decades in this. And you know what it is for me? It's the emotional investment. We've worked with a lot of people and a lot of kids. It is emotionally exhausting. This is not a boo-hoo thing. Not at all. I love my work. But it is emotionally exhausting. This is not a boo-hoo thing. Not at all. I love my work.

But it is emotionally grueling when you put yourself out there and you go through this with people. We've put a lot of investment into this and also these insights. We've studied the kids. Look, we just come up with some stuff. This stuff works. And so the reason I've always asked for an investment is because I've invested in it. As a family, we have invested blood, sweat, tears, time, countless thousands of hours into this learning. This doesn't come about by like reading some books and learning some theory. This is getting down the trenches. This is in the early days, visiting people's homes, doing home consultations, having kids in our home, traveling, blogging hundreds of thousands of miles with thousands

of events with hours and hours. And like every night when I speak, I spend usually an hour afterwards just talking to people one-on-one. So we're talking about tens of thousands of hours talking with people. So you start to learn some things and see some patterns. You know what works and you don't know what doesn't work. And so we know what works. And so the reason I've always asked for an investment from people is because I've invested and I want you to invest. Because when you invest in something, you care more about it and you work harder at it. And there's something about it. I wish I would have saved that little speech for when we're charging more money when I'm requiring more of investment. But this week what we're doing with the No BS program, it's normally $29.00, call it $300.00. Why? It's worth it. It's two trips to a

therapist's office and I'm going to save you thousands of dollars and save you your relationship. And this week because of Thanksgiving and Christmas, we're doing it for $99, which is really, really seriously inexpensive for what you get. I think many people will go through this, and I know they have because I get the emails and the testimonials, and you'll literally be able to rebuild a relationship that has been strained with your child, either since childhood or for the past few years. And you'll have done that for $99, which is ridiculously cheap. So I encourage you to get it because it's fantastic. So a couple of the steps off of there that you're going to learn about. One is learning to accept your child on a deep, deep level. Now, look,

I hear this, well, I love my child. I get that, but love's not enough in that sense. Well, I love him. I don't even know what that means. I love my child. Well, if you don't, then you're a horrible person. Everybody loves their child, right? It's a different thing to know that you actually like your child and your kids know the difference. I can promise you, moms, dads, some of you out there, if you don't deep down in your heart actually like your child, and I get why you don't, I get it, I get it, I get it. Some of your kids are very unlikable and they make home life just miserable and they resist everything you have done. I get it. I didn't like Casey when he was little, but you've got to get to the point where you like

and enjoy your child. Because if you don't like your child, they're going to know it. Think any kid's going to listen to you if they know deep down you don't really like me. And deep down, you don't really accept me as I am. That is much harder than you think. And it's actually not harder because if it was easy, you would be there already. You would have done it. But it's essential that you go there. When I work with people personally, like, well, we just think we need to clamp down and give them some consequences. Your consequences don't matter if the child knows that deep down, you don't even like him or accept him as he is because you're holding on to something.

You're holding on to some little hope like if you just do a certain thing, your child will see the light and want to do things the way you want them done. That's never happening. You have to build the relationship. And one of the things I had to do with Casey, besides accepting him, was to release him from my expectations. This is a very deep, deep thing. It is very spiritual in nature to look at your child and say, I release you from the expectation that you need to be like me. I release you from the expectation that you need to live out life the way I do it or the way I would do it. I release you to be you. And I've had to do that with my son continually. And I've noticed every time I've done it, and we show you in the program exactly how to do it with

words, with writing, with text, with the attitude toward it. It's really powerful. And every time I've done that, I've noticed growth in him. It's like when I release him, it's like I'm releasing him from being in my little box stuck under my thumb, right? There's an expectation that Casey always had, and he became tentative with things because he's like, was this the way my dad wants it done? What if I can't live up to my dad's expectations? What if I can't do it the way my dad would do it? That's stifling for kids. But every time at different stages, I've said, I release you, Casey. I honor who you are. And I want to honor that by releasing you from being like me and being who you were supposed to be. And I step back. And when I've done that,

he has grown inside. He's had the space to step up and try new things and do it the way he needs to do it. And it has also done something on a deep level in that it has brought us closer because he knows I'm not just back there behind the scenes disappointed all the time. By the way, watch that. Honestly, answer this inside your heart. Is there a sense inside of you? Do you kind of walk around all the time thinking, I'm just kind of disappointed in my child? Because again, your child will pick up on that. And if he knows that there's this thing inside that's like, oh, I'm never, my parents are never quite satisfied with me. They've never quite accepted me as I am. They've never quite understood me, and they've misjudged my motives.

I promise you, if that's the case, your child will not be motivated. He will not be compliant. He will likely resist you, shut down. This is when all these kids now are seeking an escape from it. So they vape and they get into their video games and they get into drugs and alcohol because they want the escape. Because deep down the people in their lives who are supposed to accept them and to be able to motivate them don't really like them at heart and haven't accepted them. I encourage you to begin doing this immediately. Immediately. Don't wait on it. Well, I just need to wait until his attitude changes. And when his attitude changes and he

starts doing some stuff around the house and starts showing that he can be, it doesn't work that way. You're the grownup. You're the leader. We are the leaders in the home. It is up to us. Look, sometimes it takes great humility as a parent to break down walls. You and your child have walls built up. I guarantee you if you have strong-willed teenagers, this is the case. And those walls are built up. And they're not going to come down because your child takes the first step. And you can think that all the time. Well, I'm the authority figure. It's just an immature mindset. And it doesn't work in life that way.

You've got to be the grown-up who becomes humble and who takes the first step because you're the leader and that's what leaders do. And if you want your child to be motivated and to work hard and to have a good attitude, you're going to have to take the first step and learn to accept and this child to release from expectations. And in that program, we go through releasing that child from the expectation that he's supposed to be like siblings. I'm not going to do that one right now, but I promise if you compare your kids to the siblings, you will have civil war in your home and it will never work. So celebrate calm.com. You'll see a tab there. It's pretty easy. No BS,

go to the no BS tab and you will see this program laid out and you will see for this week only it's $99 and then it's going back up because it's worth $300. It's worth $3,000 to rebuild a relationship with your child. And I want you to take it seriously. And between now and Christmas, start working through those 25 steps methodically, one at a time. And watch and watch as the walls start to break down with your child and they start to open up to you more and they start to do things that you want them to do. It's really cool how it works. And I want you this Christmas to be able to look at

your child and say, I'm really enjoying that child now. I'm really enjoying my child. Then you will see things change in your child. Hey, thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me push you. Thank you for letting me be tough on you. And I only do it, one, because I'm really old. I'm kidding. No, I do it because we have to do the hard stuff because human relationships are at stake. And this stuff lasts a lifetime.

And if you don't do this with your kids, I guarantee you, you're going to have a 40-year-old son who's always felt like my dad's never been pleased with me, and it will totally ruin his family life that he has. And when he's 50 and he doesn't have it yet, a lot of people self-destruct then, right, in their 30s and 40s. If you have a daughter who's never felt that acceptance, she will seek it somewhere else. This stuff does not end when they become adults. It transfers generationally and you have a chance to break generational patterns.

And that's a really cool thing. If we can help you, reach out. My son's name is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y. He'll tell you all about this, how it worked with us if you call him. But it's Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Phone number 888-506-1871. Reach out to us and celebrate calm. Get the No BS program. Go through it. And if we can help you in any way, let us know. But thanks for listening. Thanks for working so hard at this.