Calm Parenting Podcast - How To Fix Your Relationship With Your Strong-Willed Child

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

How To Fix Your Relationship With Your Strong-Willed ChildSo this podcast is a little raw with emotion and force. There is a lot of insight into your strong-willed child that is absolutely critical. I’ve never said this before, but I encourage you to listen twice and even take notes (or just get our newsletter because the notes are there). This has the power to stop power struggles, but even more importantly change your relationship with your strong-willed child…and how your child views himself or herself. Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. We are including the No B.S. Program FREE with all mentoring purchases OR you can get it here for $99: https://celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2021/2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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We have that kind of son as well and today I want to give you some scripts to use. A new way to look at your child. Some very specific things to say to them in the moment and a different way to view these kids because that often changes everything. We know this because we have that son. His name is Casey and if you ever need any help, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? Age of the kids. We'll reply back with very specific, concrete strategies, insights. If we can help you get our resources, we can put together a custom package within your budget. We also have a big sale, and this week the focus is going to be on the No BS program. It's one of my favorite things we've ever put together. It is 25 very specific action steps that you take to rebuild,

repair your relationship with this child, whether they are four or 14 or any age in between or even older. So I wanted to go through just one of the 25 steps here and I had titled it, Call Out the Positive Traits You Admire. I could easily put this as stopping child from arguing and pushing your buttons, but I wanted to make it positive. So let's roll with this. So I promise that most of us have never really done this because it sounds weird and kind of counterintuitive when you have a child who is kind of relentlessly arguing with you and you look at this child and he doesn't appear motivated, right? Because he just plays video games all the time and puts in the minimal amount of work necessary just to get by. So this

is going to sound very counterintuitive to you, but I want to do it, right? And part of the problem is we are so busy trying to fix what we think is wrong with our kids that we never really appreciate the very qualities that should define them, right? And so I want you to add this phrase to your daily vocabulary. Write it down. Send it into an email to yourself in the subject line. I wish I was more like you. Now you're going to resist this because you can give me 50 reasons why you don't really think that. And you can show me 50 things that are wrong with this child. Look, you don't need to show me. I'll tell you what's wrong with your child right away, right? I know because we have that child and we had 1,500 of these kids in our home. That's the easy part for me. That's not hard. So let me give you a few scripts in different

situations. So here's a great one just to talk to your child about sometimes. Say, you know what? I was thinking about something today, and I want to apologize to you. I've spent so much time trying to make you be like me, but what I realized is that I wish I was more like you. See, you're your own person. You don't mind being different. And I wish I didn't care so much about what other people think. I'm always so hard charging and always, you know, I've always just worked.

But you stop and you smell the roses. You take your time and you explore things. And I admire that trait. You're not afraid to speak up and disagree. Now, I don't always like the way you do it. But I do admire your fight and persistence and wish I was more like you. Now, use your own words. Fill in your own words based on your personality and how your child is different than you. Because we spend their whole childhood saying, well, this is what I'm comfortable with because this is what I'm like. So I need to change the way they're actually wired, the way their brains and hearts work.

Well, good luck with that because all it will do is destroy the child's confidence in your relationship with the child, right? You've done that before. And so find what is different. There are certain things about Casey, we are very much alike, but there are certain things that he is very different than I am. And I've learned to appreciate those qualities. In fact, if you want to hear this from a 55-year-old man, if you want to really change your life, find someone that you disagree with, maybe that you don't even like, right? Probably because you don't really know them. And learn something from them. If you will learn from people you disagree with, your life and perspective will change.

Because even if they believe differently than you, politically or religiously or whatever, there is some truth that they own, some perspective that they have that you don't have that you could benefit from. And we get all rigid and left hemisphere, all right. And we're always like, well, they're just, they're X. I can't learn anything from them. And you just shut yourself off from knowledge and wisdom. But I don't really care about that because that's a separate thing. So I want you to find those qualities inside your child. And I want you to call them out.

I want you to reach into your child's heart. And I want you to bring those out. Because right now, what's the right way to say it? We're rushing into their heart and we're beating their hearts down and we're trying to twist and change that heart. And instead I want you to go in and I want you to pull those things out to see your child in a different light because you know what you do? You begin to help your child see himself differently. What would it be like? How would you feel if every day teachers and society and parents were telling you what

you're doing wrong all the time? Well, eventually you're going to give up or develop a very hard shell around your heart or you'll get very combative and defensive. So part of this is for you because you get to see your child differently, but it's also to help your child actually see himself differently. So let me give you this one. You've got a relentless arguer. I get that. So diffuse the power struggle. Talk to them. Teach. Stop. React. I can't believe that you would use that tone. Why can't you ever take no for an answer? And we're pleading and berating and we're lecturing and we're being snotty with them. There's no need to be snotty. I'm the grown adult.

I'm the leader in the home. So watch. I can have this talk with my child right in the middle of that child relentlessly arguing and badgering me 53 times for the same thing that I've said no to 59 times before. You know what I admire about you? When you care about something, you use that strategic brain of yours to figure out my objections proactively and then come up with reasons to overcome my objections. That's really good thinking. That's what a top notch salesperson who's really effective and makes lots of money, that's what they do and when I say no you don't stop because you are persistent when you care about something and that's a phenomenal quality and I wish I was a little bit more assertive about what I wanted because the truth is and you don't have to say this to your child

many of you are very resentful and you're passive-aggressive because you don't speak up for yourself because you've got all kinds of issues in there which we all do no blame and guilt but you've got all kinds of issues right and why you're not assertive about your needs right well I just don't feel like I don't want to bother people yeah you have you have a self-respect issue and you also have a worthiness issue because you think that you're bothering people. True? And that's why you've got to work on yourself.

I always know, and now I'm back to talking to child, I always know what you want because you tell me. Now, badgering me, saying disrespectful things to me never gets you what you want. See, I can address that, but I don't have to be whiny and snotty about me. How many of us parents are like, well, my children whine all the time. And when we do live workshops, which we're doing again, so reach out to Casey and schedule that, bring us to your town. I always ask parents, they'll be like, could you address whining? And my question is, you mean in your children or in you, right? Because we do. My kids never stop whining. They are always, they can't take, and I'm like, you're whining about it,

right? And so, and I get it. It's hard. I'm not knocking you for it. I'm just making light of it because we all do these things, right? So now badgering and saying disrespectful things to me never gets you what you want. See, that's just a statement of fact. It's just true. You can badger me all day long. It's not going to work. You just end up in tears. But if you want to come help me cook dinner, right? That's the motion. That's the movement. That's drawing. That's leading. Now I'm problem solving. See, I'm teaching you this doesn't work. But if you want to come join me and do something, I bet we could use that great brain of yours and that persistence to come up with a solution.

Because I know that you really like money. You're a born entrepreneur. And you're not afraid to take risks. Another quality that I love. Because I'm way too cautious in life. So if you want, I bet we could brainstorm three different ways you could earn enough money to buy that thing you want so badly so that you don't have to waste time demanding it from me because it's not going to happen. Right? Does that make sense?

I'm teaching. I'm just talking to my child, giving them perspective. I think you've heard me say that before. It's not about, well, I just need to teach them life lessons. No, I'm just giving perspective. The way that you're handling it right now doesn't work. You won't get what you want, but you've got a really awesome brain and you're persistent and you're a good thinker and you're strategic and you've got a big heart and you want to help other people. You want to use those traits. I am all over that. Let me give you this one. I wasn't going to plan on doing this, but this really changed my relationship with Casey very much. When he was

about 11, 12, 13, he was playing video games quite a bit, like your kids, right? And so he's playing Call of Duty 2. And I used to go in and lecture him and say, you know, when I was a kid, we were outside playing football and doing other things. and this is just going to rot your brain. Well, he never said, dad, thanks for the wisdom. I didn't realize that what I was doing was so unhealthy for my brain. They don't care. So one day I walked into his room and I sat down and I said, I'm curious. It's another phrase you're going to learn in an OBS program, how to use it. And it's wonderful because it says, I'm curious. I want to learn. I want to listen, right? Hey, I'm curious, Case. You seem to really like this game. And I'm curious, what do you get out of it? And so I heard all these things like, oh,

well, it's order. I know exactly what to expect when I'm playing and I'm really good at it. And so I heard all these things like, oh, well, it's order. I know exactly what to expect when I'm playing and I'm really good at it. And I connect with other people when I'm playing and it's a challenge. And so I went away and I thought about it and I came back in his room a day or two later and I said, Casey, you know what I just realized? You are actually goal-oriented, focused, motivated, and persistent when you're playing your video games, right? Now inside what I was thinking is, but you're none of those things when you're doing schoolwork or chores or anything we ask you to do. But the truth is your kids are goal-oriented. Why? They're goal-oriented because their goal in life is to get the high score or get to the next level of their video game or win, right, or get a certain number of likes. They're focused.

In fact, they can hyper focus because when your kids care about something, their brain is stimulated and they can actually focus for a long period of time and get very hyper focused, which is a phenomenal quality. Not necessarily used in school all the time, but in the real world, absolutely. They're motivated. Again, not motivated by what you want them to do, but they are highly motivated kids when they care about something. And that's why a large part of this No BS program is following and learning about their curiosity and giving them opportunities to pursue that because your kids are into certain things, right? Whether it is martial arts or history or making things or creating things or

certain physical things, they love it. And all we do, stop doing that, stop doing that because you don't get a grade for that. But they're highly motivated in these areas and we dismiss it because they're not motivated to things we want them to be motivated by. And they're persistent because they will play that video game again and again and again and again and again until they finally win. And you have to, you have to deal with your own anxiety and your own control issues. And look, a lot of this is about your own view of your child. You just don't like the way they do stuff. And I get all the emails and I get on phone consultations like, well, how am I going to, I'm like, you need to change the way you see this child. Just because this child makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean you have the right to try to change

who they are. That never works in life. And so once you can walk into that room, and I will challenge you with this, and look at your child and say, I've realized you are goal-oriented, motivated, focused, and persistent. Because when you play your video games, when you do X activity, man, you can lock in on that and you don't give up. And that's a phenomenal trait. And I can't wait to see how you use that later in life. Because when you do, you are going to be an unstoppable force. And you know what I just did? I just gave my child a... Look, whenever I feel myself about to cry, it's important.

I just helped my child have a different vision for his life. What I'm saying is I have the wisdom and I have the perspective to see that when you find your passion in life, nothing is going to hold you back. Because until now, what schools and teachers and parents and everybody has said about your child is all the negative things of how they can't focus and they're not motivated. They're not applying themselves and they won't push through. Total BS. It's not true. We're lying to our kids because of how uncomfortable and anxious we are about their future. So it's no wonder that teenagers would start vaping or start self-medicating and that your kids would shut down and be on motor. Do you see how that works?

You need to be the one who has the bigger vision, who's mature enough and wise enough to control. Look, I tell Casey at times, I want to swear on this podcast. It's not that I'm going to be cool. It's because there's something guttural inside to say, stop thinking about your freaking self. This isn't about you, mom and dad. It's not about me. It's about a child. They're a child. And even if they're 17, they're a child. I was a 40-year-old child who didn't grow up until I was about 40. And if you want to know the truth, I'm 55. And in many ways, I'm still a child. I'm still dealing with childhood stuff.

I still act like a big baby at times, right? So it's not an excuse for child's behavior, but this isn't about you and how uncomfortable it makes you and how you're fearful for their, of course you are. You should be afraid for their future because you don't see them living up to your expectations and up to their potential. I get it. But I'm asking you to dig in and grow up and really attack this within yourself. Because if I'm being honest, that's when things changed with Casey. It wasn't him changing. It was me changing.

And me saying, I've got to be the adult here. And look at this child. Look, your kids are already beating themselves up all day. And I know you have a lot of kids who won't take responsibility for themselves. And they make excuses for everything. I know that. We're like, well, they're just cocky and they're arrogant. No, they're not.

They're insecure and they can't admit it. And so they act all tough. Why do you think people don't admit their weaknesses? That's not strength. That's not arrogance. That's pure immaturity and insecurity. And everybody's always told them all the things they're not doing well and they get compared to their siblings and other kids in school. Let's be, I don't want to keep beating this, but we can't

make it about us and how difficult it is for us. Of course it is. I get that, but you've got to change the way you see this child. You know, I was doing this phone consultation one day and I made this discovery and it was huge for me because I was really struggling to help this family because when I do the phone consultations like okay you're paying me some money and I'm on the and I'm on the hook here like I've told you I can do this and I really dig in and it's very personal right I'll just throw out pat answers that the regular therapists and other people are like, well, you just need to be consistent and follow through. It's like, duh, you've already done that, right?

So I'm really digging in and really searching, like, come on, give me something. And so I'm asking again, I'm like, okay, what else does your son enjoy doing? And it popped into my head and I said, does your son happen to like tinkering with things? And they're like, oh yeah, he likes taking things apart. And he even built his own computer. And inside I was like, why didn't you tell me that late earlier? Like I was looking that. See, the key to getting a breakthrough is not fixing their weaknesses or convincing them to do what you want them to do. The key to getting a breakthrough with your child is building on their strengths, using their innate abilities to solve their own problems, right? So you've got this kid who argues all the time and pushes buttons. And what struck

me is when he's pushing buttons and arguing, he's simply tinkering with his parents' brains. See, when he's building with Legos or taking something apart, he moves a lever or disables a spring and he watches how that contraption reacts. He's studying the mechanisms. He's looking for patterns. And by the way, this comes up a lot when I'm doing phone consultations. It just happened this past Saturday. So does your child see patterns? And parents are like, well, what does that mean? I was like, does he observe and watch how things are working? And I had a big breakthrough in a consultation this past week. And when I said, you know what just popped in my head, I think your son should start a chess club at school. And the parent was like, that is so weird because we were just talking about how he seems to like chess and checkers. And I was like, yes, because it's strategy and it's intense.

And think of the intense focus and stimulation from taking on someone in a chess match. But you're too busy trying to get him to play sports and team sports, which don't work for most of our kids. You've got to give them their place and their space. I mean, there's a lot in this podcast. It's really good. I hope you listen to it twice. And I'm not being cocky or arrogant at all. There is so much deep insight in there about giving your child, look, I don't know why this happens, but giving them their space and their place. Because you've got kids in your family and you've got the neurotypical great kids who love to play sports and team sports and everybody likes them. And then you've got your child who's a little bit different, right? They're different. And so we're always trying to, well,

you need to play sports. You need to do that. No, they don't. They don't necessarily have to. So why can't that kid at school start the chess club well that's kind of dorky yeah well it's not if you watch queen's gambit well if she was kind of weird but you know what i mean right like it gives them a place where they're really good at something and so watch how this is working this child is looking for patterns and he's doing the same when he pushes your buttons. He's watching for the reaction. He's studying you. He's seeing what he can do next to control or tinker with you to get the outcome that he wants. Now, sometimes the outcome is he's arguing and he wants something. Sometimes it's purely for the sport of I'm bored

and I want my brain to be stimulated. And we get all upset as parents. Why would he do this? Why can't he just being a boring little drone and do what he's told? And the answer is that he's a really bright kid who's just bored because he's got the brain and motivation and desires of an adult. But it's like he's trapped in a stupid kid's world where everything he is asked to do, just about everything, is arbitrary. Like memorize information that he'll literally never use in life for an arbitrary test and then forget that same information. Like be grouped, right, and expected to get along with kids his own age for 12 years, which is counter to anything else he's ever going to experience in life.

Because when you work in the corporate world, you don't just work with 34-year-olds, right? Like being graded on his ability to sit perfectly still, follow arbitrary rules and fit in with everybody else. All the things he's not naturally good at doing and which aren't even necessary for success in life. Look, this takes a lot of perspective and you're going to have to wrestle with this stuff and really work through it. But I promise if you wrestle with your own stuff, that is a great line. I wish I could wrestle with your own stuff inside, your own expectations and desires and your own how you see the world so you can stop wrestling with your child. right that's when it changed for me that's why I call it the no BS thing because it's really getting to the the core of this which is when I finally stopped trying to change my son and I put all of that energy into changing all the ick in me

that's what I want to do this week I want to put my effort into that because that will change your child that will change you that will change your child. That will change you. That will change your family. So whether you get the No BS program, which I'd love because it's 25 specific action steps and guys love that. And it's really, it's so concise and powerful or just get everything that we have. It's on the website. It's a big special this week. It's 35 hours of practical insights and it'll just change everything forever but by the end of this week I want you to be able to tell your child I wish I was more like you I really do and I want you to enjoy that child and if we can help you do

that reach out to us and let us know thank Thank you. Thank you. Add the I will use the same method for the other side. I will use the same method for the other side. I will use the same method for the other side. I will use the same method for the other side. I'm going to make a Thank you. Thank you.