Calm Parenting Podcast - How To Get Kids To Be Responsible For Their Choices

Episode Date: March 1, 2020

How To Get Kids to Be Responsible For Their ChoicesHave you ever said inside, “I feel disrespected because my child won’t just accept my answer?” Kirk shows you how to get your kids to be responsible for their choices, but that also means you have to stop doing it for them. This is foundational if you want a strong-willed child to be successful. Very insightful, challenging, and helpful. Let your child listen and ask what he or she thinks! Take advantage of Kirk's Birthday Sale THIS WEEK ONLY. https://www.celebratecalm.com/birthday-sale/  Questions? Contact Casey at [e-mail]  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Hey everybody, welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. I'm glad you're here. So we're going to talk about this idea today of how to give your kids ownership without giving them control, right? Because you have kids who are kind of naturally bossy and controlling, strong-willed, want to do things on their own terms. So how do we kind of flip that

around so that we don't give them control of your home, but we do give them ownership of their choices? Because if you have a strong-willed child, you must, must, must understand this and master this. Otherwise, you will have constant power struggles with this child. And if I'm honest, and I am, I will have to tell you it's your issue because it's your own control issues and you haven't learned how to give your child ownership instead of control. This is really tough but really, really critical. So before I get there, a couple things really quickly because I just got this question, common question, how did you learn to calm down? How do you control your own anxiety?

So I learned this very early on that when I try to control other people and I have a lot of anxiety and I need things to get done, what happens is my anxiety causes the exact opposite response that I want, right? When you start yelling at your kids, come on guys, got to go, got to go, got to go, what happens? They tend to go more slowly and it doesn't work. The more you lecture your kids, the more they tend to resist and do the opposite. So I began doing the opposite of what I'd normally do. And that's how I developed that whole habit of when I walk into a room and

I'm in a hurry or I want to have a talk with a kid, sometimes I will actually sit down instead of standing and pacing. I use a more calm, even matter of fact, voice instead of my voice getting like this or that really choppy, come on, as soon as you get that choppy voice, you're done, right? I learned to, in times where I was nervous financially, you know, because when you own your own business, I don't have a guaranteed income. It's different every month. So you get anxious about that. So I learned in those moments to begin giving. Because when I got my focus off of my own anxiety over my own financial situation, and I got it onto other people who needed things more than I did, it calmed my anxiety. When I go to the post office, grocery store, oftentimes we're in a hurry.

And what happens? We're standing in that line. We're getting irritated. We start kind of tapping our foot, and our whole mood changes, right? And what happens is anxiety causes you to become very internal. You focus on yourself. And look, I'm just being honest with this. You begin to think, or I'll put it as me, I began to think that the conversation in my head is, why is everybody so slow? Don't they know that I have places to go? Oh, and all of a sudden I become very self-centered and selfish. So I began doing something as a matter of habit, which is I go to the post office and instead of beating the old lady in line to get in line, I would open the door for one person

and let them cut in front of me at the grocery store. I allow someone to go ahead of me as long as they don't have too many groceries, right? So it's a way of me taking back control of the situation, not by trying to control the outcome, but by controlling myself. It's really cool. So Casey and I, family, we were talking about this this week. They were like, what do you want to do for your birthday? Because my birthday's really cool. So Casey and I, family, we were talking about this this week. They were like, what do you want to do for your birthday? Because my birthday's coming up. By the time you listen to this, it's probably going to be my birthday. And so, look, I'm a little bit older. It's not like I get like, oh, it's my birthday and stuff. And so something we do occasionally is say, you

know, on your birthday, people tend to give you gifts. And so I wanted to turn that around and say, you know, on your birthday, people tend to give you gifts. And so I wanted to turn that around and say, hey, on my birthday, why don't we do a special birthday sale? Because I'm older now. What I live for in life is I love the testimonials, right? Not like you're awesome, you're great. I don't need that anymore. I did when I was younger. I don't need it anymore. Still nice to hear, but I don't need it. What I really love is a testimonial of our relationship has changed. My child was failing in school and now he's confident. My daughter and I used to fight every afternoon and now we're becoming very, very close. My husband and I weren't together on anything and now we're slowly starting to come together.

That's what I live for nowadays. So we decided let's do a special birthday sale where people can get everything that we have. All of our CD programs, you can get them as instant downloads, and you can get them at a really, really, really discounted price on our website. So go to CelebrateCalm.com. You'll see a tab there. It's a birthday sale. It's an awesome deal. If you need help with that or if you already have a few of our CDs and you want the rest of them, email Casey, our son, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com, and he'll help you out. And financially, he'll help you out and uh financially he'll help you out whatever

you need put together a custom package but take advantage of this we're doing it for a week because my birthday is just a day but we're going to spread it to a week for this so anyway let's go that you know it's funny when i start talking fast like that i feel like because we're getting ready to go to um new york and long island and i feel like my uh tone of what my uh accent changes or something. Get the CD. I don't know what accent that is. It's not Long Island with your daughter.

But we are coming up there. So while you're at the website, check the live events section. Because we are coming to New Jersey, Long Island, Arlington, Virginia, D.C., all through Northern Virginia, Front Royal, Staunton, Virginia, Midlothian, outside of Richmond. We're going to be in Charleston, Atlanta, Texas, Ohio, Kokomo, Indiana, all over the place. So come and see us live. It's really cool. So let's dig into this. So we're not going to give kids control of our home, but we do want to give them ownership. And

here's what I mean conceptually. So say you've got a big box that your kids live in, right? I create a really big box for strong will kids and I say this. Here is my box. You get to live in here. It's a big box. There's lots of space in it. It's very clear rules, very clear boundaries, very clear expectations. This is not permissive parenting. Oh, just do whatever you want. You'll figure out life on your own. No, you won't. You'll end up in jail. So very clear boundaries, expectations, and rules. Very, very clear. Thick borders. But it's a big box because when you have strong-willed kids, people tell you, you better clamp down on that child. That'll work really well if you want to produce a really defiant child who's really frustrated and fight with them their

whole life. But I want to create a big box. And here's what I say. Within this box, I will give you some space. Space is really important. You can't stand over the strong-willed child. I will give you some space to do things and do them differently than I would do them as long as we accomplish the same goal, the same objective. Does that make sense? I'm not saying if you want to do your homework, oh no, homework's getting done. I just don't care how you do it. You want to do it standing up at the kitchen counter, listening to music, eating a snack, go for it. Want to do homework sitting in your closet, I don't care. Want to do it outside, sitting off the sofa, laying off the sofa upside down, I don't care. Want to do it outside, sitting off the sofa, laying off the sofa upside down? I don't care. As long as you get it done, go for it. Now, this is hard, but let me, before I get into this, 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and we were gone for a couple hours

playing outside. In the summertime, we didn't see our parents until dinnertime. We were literally gone all day long. We were making dozens of decisions a day with no adults around. We did good things. We did mischievous things. We made all kinds of decisions. Your kids, right? And we had ownership of our lives because there wasn't an adult telling us what to do and how to do it all the time. But your kids, that's what they experienced because from the time they go to bed or time to get them up to the time they go to bed, an adult is telling them what to do and how to do it and lecturing them.

And that is suffocating. And it is why many of our kids do become defiant because it is a suffocating existence. Your kids can't even play a game together anymore without a concerned adult making sure the teams are fair and everybody gets a chance. And it's a horrible thing for kids because they never learn how to deal with disappointment or be a leader. And they don't learn how to make their own decisions and figure stuff out because there's a concerned, anxious adult trying to make sure everything's perfect. And our own anxiety is causing us to try to make everything perfect for our kids and create like the perfect situation so that our

kids can succeed. And it's handicapping your kids. That's why I want them to have ownership of their choices. It is their choice within these boundaries. Does that make sense? Now, here's the hard part. You're going to have to let go of some of your control issues and your own anxiety, because you and I like to control things, because it makes us feel a little bit better as if we can be in control, but we're not. But your perfectionism, you're going to have to release that. I just got it. I was emailing with a mom and she said, but why? Why can't my daughter just do things the way I want her to do it? Right? Because this mom is, I believe she's a homeschooling mother. I don't even think she is. But her daughter has to sing and do a certain amount of piano practice every night. Mom, logically, wants her daughter to do 30 minutes of singing, 30 minutes of playing piano.

Shouldn't be that difficult. Makes perfect sense to me. But guess what? The daughter doesn't want to do it that difficult. Makes perfect sense to me. But guess what? The daughter doesn't want to do it that way. She wants to one night sing for the full hour and then the next day do piano. And what I emailed with this mom is, why? Why does she have to do it your way in this situation? Why? Is it just because that's the way you would do it? Well, your daughter's not you. And at some point, she's going to be independent life, be on her own. So she better figure out

how to do things for herself and figure out maybe, mom, your way is the right way, but you're never going to convince her by just telling her all the time you have to do it this way because guess what she's going to do then? Nothing. Is that not true? That is absolutely true. So why not instead turn it around and go up to your daughter and say, you know what I love about you? I love that you have strong opinions. I love that you have a strong sense of the way you like to do things. Guess what? I apologize. You don't have to say it like this, but I would. I apologize for being a control freak. I apologize for making you feel like you're somehow doing things the wrong way

just because you're not doing it my way. By the way, I didn't plan to say this, and this is why the podcasts are good and why our live events are good because I don't plan to say half the stuff. Really realize that. What are you really saying to your child? What you're saying repeatedly is, you don't know how to make right decisions. You need me here telling you how to do it all the time. Otherwise, you'll never be successful in life. And that's a horrible thing that we're sending to our kids.

It's not because you're a bad parent or you have a bad heart. It's because you have anxiety and you have control issues. And you better get control of those or you will create power struggles right with your child and you'll ruin your relationship with this child. And they'll eventually either just resist all the time or they'll just shut down and say, guess what? It's never good enough for you. Never good enough for you.

So look, see how you can do the opposite there. Instead of making it a big deal of like, well, you need to do it this way. You go up and tell your daughter, you affirm her and you look at her and say, I believe you're capable of handling this the right way. I believe you're capable. I love that phrase. I believe you're capable of figuring this out. Because you know why? She may do it one way for a couple days, a couple weeks, and then figure out, hmm, maybe it is better to do it half and half. But in reality, she's probably going to figure out it's better for her to hyper-focus on one thing rather than bouncing back and forth between two things.

Part of that is because you don't understand your child's brain and how it works, and you're imposing the way your brain, the way you want things to do it, on your child thinking that's the best way. And it may not be. That's partly why you need to get the birthday special so you can listen to the Strong Willed Child Program and the ADHD University one, even if your kids don't have ADHD. It's really helpful to learn how their brains are wired. Because you may, you may have been spending the first 4, 7, 8, 12, 15 years of your child's life trying them to get them to do things the way that it works best for you, but not for them. And that will cause a child's confidence to plummet and for them to get very resistant. So again, this is not, there's no blaming guilt in anything we do, but just realize that's probably what's happened with many of you. And this may be the first time you're realizing,

oh crap, maybe it's that. Because all along you've been like, well, it's just a difficult, challenging child. I know they are. But some of it is, we've burdened them with this and we've sent the message all along if you're not capable and you're just a difficult child, when maybe you're the difficult one. Look, no blame, no guilt. Just own it. What if, in fact, the truth is you're the difficult one and you're too rigid and you need things to be done your way because you can't handle any variance. And if you're a dad listening to this, maybe you're the issue because you're an

engineer, which is an awesome profession, but you need things to be just so. And when things aren't just so like you create at the office, you can't handle things when you come home from work. And all this time, you've been putting it at the feet of this strong-willed, challenging, difficult child who is all of those things, but that's not why their relationship is like it is, and that's not why they're defiant, and that's not why they've shut down. Maybe it's because we played a part in that, and we need to own that as the adult in the home. Does that make sense? Let me give you a couple examples of some ownership. I almost want to split this into two, but I'm not. Let me just

go with this. So we've got, let me do this one quick one. Apology. So you've got two daughters and one child, one daughter is mean, says something mean to her sister. Your natural response, nothing wrong with this, is to go to the one child and say, young lady, you need to apologize to your sister right now. And when you say right now, virtually guarantees she's going to say no. Then you come with a threat. If you don't apologize to your sister, I'm going to take away everything you own. Then your daughter is going to look at her sister and say, fine, sorry, stupid sister, right? Because

that's how it works because you just forced an apology rather than leading your child to contrition. But ownership says this, what if you were to walk up to that daughter and say to her in this tone, hey honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do. And then you walk away and drink because this is really, kidding, don't drink, but you're going to walk away. This is really hard because now you're giving her ownership of how and when she apologizes. When I say when you're ready in a power struggle situation, it gives her some space because that's opposite of saying, I want this done right now. Because that doesn't work with a strong willed child.

And if you think it is, enjoy the continued power struggles, right? Because I know some of the people, I see it live event. Well, they just need to learn it's my way or the highway. It's like, okay, I just hope you know you are going to set up power struggles with your child. And it's your issue because you're a grown adult and you haven't learned how to lead and you're demanding things. And that's your issue. And you're basically just saying you want a ruined relationship with a child that you brought into this earth that you adopted, right? So I'm not talking about giving kids control. I'm talking about giving them some

ownership. So when you walk away, you give that daughter some space so that she can apologize. But look, she's not going to apologize right now. And you're going to be laying in bed tonight thinking, are we raising a sociopath? Why can't she just apologize? It's not that hard. And I get it. For you, it's not. But for many of your kids, these things are a little bit harder.

And they want to own it on their own terms. And That's not a bad thing for them to own their choices. Tomorrow morning, your strong-willed daughter is going to get up and do something thoughtful for her sister as an act of contrition. Your appropriate response is to go and give her a little fist bump and say, saw what you did for your sister. Shows me you're growing up. Boom, that's it. and then walk away. Don't belabor it. No long lectures, no teaching moments, right? No getting upset because she didn't use the actual words. Sister, I'm sorry. She's not going to use those words. You know why? Because you want it too badly, right? And that's your issue. There's nothing that says

apologizing requires those two words. She showed through her contrition and a kind act that she was sorry. Look, if you want to get into this, I'd rather have people show me by their actions than just give me some flippant words. Right? So that's ownership. Let me give this one. I've probably done this one when I did the podcast on the morning routine, but let me refresh your memory. So my natural response in the morning is just like yours. I want to go in and tell that child, you got to get up now. You got to get dressed, right? Or go get your shower, get dressed, eat your breakfast, brush your teeth, do all your stuff. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Move, move. I'm going to create a little behavior chart for you.

I'm going to do all those things. Fine. But what if you were to go into your child, say this, look, especially to get a little bit older. Here's the deal, Jacob. School bus comms or the carpool leaves every morning, 7.22 a.m. I have one goal for you every morning. I want you on that school bus or in that carpool, 7.22. I don't care what you look like. I don't care what you smell like. I don't even care what's in your stomach. Be on that school bus, 722. If you're smart enough, right? Watch, I'm giving him some ownership. We are agreeing on the goal. The goal is I want that kid's butt in the car or in that bus, 722. I just don't care how he gets there. Now, do I really care? Yes, because I have control issues, and I want him to get up early and get some exercise,

and I want him to eat blueberries and avocado because it's good healthy fat so his brain's ready to learn, and I want all those things. But you have to give up your control. So here's how it works. 722, don't care what you look like, smell like, don't care what's in your stomach. If you're smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you're going to wear to school the next day

perfect you can sleep until 721 roll out of bed grab that pop tart that you hit under your bed because i know you hoard food up there you can run out to the school bus you don't even have to have your shoes on you know why because you're not going to die from not wearing your shoes out in the snow it'll make you run faster and you get on that school bus, you can put your shoes on on the bus. I don't care. All I want is for you to be on that bus at 722. And if he makes the school bus at 722, your appropriate response at the end of the day is a small little fist bump and a quick little, hey, nice job making the bus this morning. Now, inside, you hate it, right? But that's, look, I want kids to eat healthy, but no amount of lecturing has ever gotten your kids to say, mom, I didn't realize that what I

was putting in my body was so unhealthy. But now that you've lectured me for the 42nd time, all of a sudden, I realize, right, and show me the food pyramid, which is all wrong anyway. All of a sudden, I'm motivated to eat healthy. I want kids to own their choices. Now, listen, there are boundaries on here, right? I'm not going to keep really awful stuff in there for the morning for them to eat. If they have diabetes or a health issue, I'm not going to let them die, right? But I'm going to give them some ownership so they begin owning it. They begin doing it in a different way. Let me do a quick one on defiance. This is a shorter version and you'll hear all this stuff, right? Look, it's all controlling your own anxiety and your own control issues and that's on the 30

Days to Calm program and on the Straight Talk for Moms program to help you through this stuff. We've got a defiance and disrespect, so here's a quick defiance one of ownership. Your child's talking back to you. You have every right to say, young lady, you're not going to talk to me like that to your room for the rest of your life, because it's pretty much what happens. But instead, when I look at her and say, honey, look, I don't need your respect. You may continue to talk to me like that, but I don't need your respect, because I have something called self-respect. And if you think you're going to talk to me like that, then I'm going to turn around and leave the house at night and get in the car and take you through that traffic to an extracurricular that costs too much and you're not even good at. I'm kidding with that.

Sarcasm, leave off. Got another thing coming. But when I hear you talk to me like that, usually what it tells me is you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry. So two options. You may continue to talk to me like that. You have ownership. You can do that if you want. It's just not going to end well for you. But if you want me to help you with your anxiety or frustration, something happened at school, or you're hungry, look, I'll meet you in the kitchen and we'll grab a snack together. We'll go walk the dog together. I'd love to listen to you. Ownership. You choose. I'm good either way. Choose to talk to me like that. You just basically lose all your

stuff. I'm not going to get upset because I'm not looking for validation from a teenage child. I'm not going to take everything personally, right? That's what the mom in that email said. Watch what she said. I feel disrespected that she wouldn't just accept my answer. Oh, that's a big trigger for you, isn't it? I feel disrespected that my daughter or your son wouldn't just accept my answer. Look, if you have a strong-willed child, they're not. They're not going to do that. They just aren't.

By the way, they shouldn't just accept everything. We want kids who are like, I promise you this is a good trait. It's a good trait. Stop taking it so personally. Give them some ownership, okay? It's a really cool thing. Let me do one more example. And because I want to get into this one more kind of good language here to use.

And I encourage you with this to really work on this stuff because this ownership thing is really, really important. You have no idea how important this thing is. And it's very foundational. And we go through it in great detail, especially on the Strong Willed Child program. By the way, quick little note. I started doing a separate podcast, an additional podcast. And I did it for, it's called, if you want to Google it sometime, it is Calm Christian Parenting Podcast. And I did that because I speak at homeschool conventions and I have a fairly large following of Christian parents who oftentimes want to kind of mix in a little bit more of the spiritual message with this. And sometimes they want scripture for it and so I want to provide something there for people who are into that. I can go a little bit deeper into that

so that's of interest to you and maybe of interest I'm covering some cool stuff and even if you've been really hurt which is probably about like 70% of us have been hurt in some way by organized religion and other things. You may find that it's fairly friendly if you want a little bit more of a spiritual perspective on things. I just wanted to know. You don't have to do it at all. But it's Calm Christian Parenting Podcast. Celebrate calm. You'll find it. So let's do this example. We were in Fort Benning, Georgia. Awesome place training drill sergeants and their wives. How often is that? Awesome is that? We're training drill sergeants whose job is to yell at young recruits all day long, then come home because they live on base and then not yell at their children. It was awesome. So this mom would

come out to the evening workshop and sometimes we'll do an evening, and then we'll do the next morning. And again, if you're interested, reach out to Casey and invite us to come because we love the live events. And the mom said this the next morning. She said, when I got up this morning, my daughter was just filled with anxiety.

Mom, I don't know what I want to eat. I don't know what I'm going to wear. And I don't know where my homework is. And mom said her first instinct was to jump in and solve it. Because moms, you can solve everything. You know where everything is. You know exactly how it works. And you can say, boom, boom, boom, get it done like this. But instead, mom stepped back. One of our favorite phrases is, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. So when we step back from lecturing, which is micromanaging, from controlling every

situation, from doing everything for our kids, right? When we step back from fixing all the situations, it gives your kids space to step up and be responsible. So instead of controlling everything, mom stepped back, looked at her daughter and said, Honey, I believe you're capable of handling this yourself. Mom walked away and started to drink. Kidding again, but you're going to feel like it because this stuff is really hard. It's going to cause you to grow up. It's going to cause you to grow up and deal with your own issues.

So what happens? Daughter starts stomping up the stairs. And that is a trigger for you because she needs to be grateful. And you're not going to stomp up my stairs. And she gets upstairs and she slams her dresser drawer looking for the right clothes because your kids are difficult like that. And only certain things feel comfortable on certain days. And you want to go upstairs and say, young lady, you don't have to respect me, but you're going to respect my furniture. How many of you do that one? But the mom didn't do that. She gave her daughter some space because space is important. Seven or eight minutes later, daughter comes walking down the stairs and says, mom, figured everything else, figured everything out. I'm good. Have a good day. Like nothing had

happened. And mom said it was really hard to step back for two reasons. One, because I have so much anxiety because I'm concerned about my daughter's future. And because I don't know how to handle these situations. And she said, I'd step, it's hard to step back because I have control issues and you have control issues. You want things done a certain way, perfectionism. And she said I'd step it's hard to step back because I have control issues and you have control issues you want things done a certain way perfectionism and she said it was so hard but after I learned as I began to learn to step back my daughter is becoming more responsible for herself that's what I wanted in the long run I just don't like and I've stayed in touch because this is a really cool community and I love this family. It's really awesome because the dad really stepped up

and started doing the pushups thing, started controlling himself, started taking a knee when he comes home, right? Started really controlling himself instead of controlling his kids. This family really stepped up and what they said was they don't always like how their daughter does things but she's being very very responsible and that's what we want in the end right so learn i want you to practice this week control your own anxiety control your own control issues your own perfectionism and begin to give your kids some ownership of their choices. You're not going to do it perfectly the first time, so remember to affirm them for making progress, not perfection.

If you need help with this, do get the program this week during the special, the birthday sale. You get about 30 hours worth of very, very specific instruction. And I can't do it all in a podcast. I can do it. It builds. It is extremely effective. It is the one thing I know through the years that has caused more change in families and breaking generational patterns than anything else. And you get them as instant downloads. You can get physical copies. You can get both. If you need help, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalcalm.com. Remember to see us live. We're going to be all

over the country in the next six weeks. So look at celebratecalm.com for the birthday sale. Look up live events, free events. Almost every one of them is free for you to join. And please, if you find this podcast helpful, share it. I want you to share it with other families because I think people are finding it helpful. Hey, thank you for hanging in there with us. Thank you for letting me be tough with you. And thank you for owning your stuff. It's a cool thing because you're going to have a new family now. And I love that.

Thank you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.