Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Get Your Kids to Control Themselves

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So I have a really cool idea to share with you, and I don't think I've covered this in the podcast before, and this is actually courtesy of our son Casey. So I'm scheduled to do a phone consultation this morning with two parents, parents of a teenage kid, and normal things want to motivate him internally to take responsibility for his schoolwork, for chores, just for his general attitude in life.

So I give them a call. Well, what I find is the teenager's there. He wants to be included on this call. So a little bit of adjustment in how I approach this. I'm like, okay, so let's dig into this. And I started talking to the teenager because sometimes it's kind of cool to hear things from their perspective. And so I asked him, hey, do you ever find either of your parents' voices irritating? And right away, very confident, yeah, my dad's. My dad's voice is very irritating, and it really triggers me. I was like, okay, tell me more. Well, I'll be playing a video game. I'll be building with Legos and my dad will pop his head in and say,

Hey, you need to go do X or Y. And the kid said, Well, I always say like, Hey, Dad, in a minute, I'll get to it. Well, a couple minutes later, dad's back there reminding his son he's got to do this. And the son said, It's just so irritating. I was like, I know. I get it because I don't like always listening to authority figures. I don't like people telling me what to do, right? And he's like, yeah, that's exactly how it feels. So I made a split second decision to treat him like an adult because I like talking to strong willed kids like they're adults. Even matter of fact, treat them like an adult, because I like talking to strong-willed kids like they're adults. Even, matter of fact, treat them with respect. So I'm going to tell you in a second what I told him,

and it's something that Casey and I worked on for a long time in our family. It made a huge impact. So it's going to be cool. So I have to do an official welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need any help, reach out to that strong-willed son, Casey. C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, what you're struggling with. We'll email back personally very quickly and help you out. So here's what I told this teenage boy.

I was like, I get it. You don't want your parents bugging you. So I have a solution for you. And here's what it is. If you learn how to control yourself, your parents won't have to. So I gave him a couple examples. I'm like, hey, why don't you do this? See, your parents ask you to do something. And as soon as they hear the words in a minute, what they know is you don't you do this? See, your parents ask you to do something and as soon as they hear the words in a minute, what they know is you don't get up and do it within a minute because if you did, your father wouldn't have to come back in and annoy you. So if you want to build trust, if you want your parents to stop nagging you and bug you, show them.

Show them that you can control yourself, that you don't need to be controlled, right? That you can control yourself so they don't have to do that all the time. And so the kid's like, well, you know, and I was like, no, I'm not letting you off the hook. And you know who taught me this? Casey. Because Casey and I had, this was maybe about age 11 or 12, and he wanted a later curfew, right? So if he had come to me and said, you know what, your curfew is dumb, it's stupid, it's too early, I would have been like, guess what? Your curfew is now six o'clock at night, right? Like, I don't do demanding. I'm not going to

react to him, just letting him know. It doesn't work in my home, and I'm not going to react to him. Just letting him know it doesn't work in my home. You're not going to talk to me like that and think you're going to get away with it. But he didn't do that. He came to me and said, Dad, I would like a later curfew. And I said, OK, so what I expect of you is this. What I want to ask you is, what are you going to do to earn a later curfew? So I think his curfew at the time was nine o'clock. And of course he wanted like 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock. Why? Because that's what kids want. They always want to take as much as they can get. Why would they not? So I said, Case, here's the deal. I want to know what you're going to do in order to earn a later curfew. So I noticed over the next couple up with this whole coming home early thing and he looked

at me and said dad I wanted to prove to you that I could control myself so you don't have to and I thought two things one my son is brilliant and two he's very manipulative, right? But that was brilliant, right? That is a very smart thing to do. Casey came up with that. He has now taught hundreds of thousands of kids that through his school assemblies and also through, in case you didn't know, he has a program. One of the programs in the Get Everything package or the Calm Parenting Package is Casey's Straight Talk for Kids. It is a program that he recorded directly for your kids to listen to directly. Why? Because they don't listen to you. They listen to other adults perhaps, but they also listen to another kid who's been in their shoes

and who knows how life works, who can teach them how to control their impulses, their emotions, how to deal with siblings, all kinds of things. This is awesome. This is probably the best-selling program we've ever created. So thank you for that, Casey. So here's the principle. I want you to teach your kids, and let's work on that this week. Lay it out for them. Okay, you want freedom? Let me know what you're going to do to earn that freedom. You want me to stop nagging you? Be unnaggable, right? Now watch. Parents, you've got to be realistic in your expectations too. I don't expect kids, especially strong-willed kids, to jump up right

away and do what you want within the first three seconds. I'm not talking about some unrealistic expectation. What I'm talking about is your kids making progress and starting to step up so that you don't have to worry about things that it's going to get done or not because they took care of it on their own. The other caveat I will give you as parents is you may not always like the way they get things done, right? And so you know that's part of our principle is that we create the boundaries, we create a big box for our kids to live in, and we say, hey, here's what my expectations are. How you get that done and accomplish that, oh, I don't care, I'm going to let go of that. I give you freedom and control to do that.

As long as we accomplish the same task, as long as that gets done, I don't care how you do it. And I'll add one that you won't like. I don't even care what attitude you have while you get it done, right? Some of you have heard me say this at live workshops. When my son had a bad attitude, like, I don't want to rake the leaves, I don't care if he has a good attitude. If he has a bad attitude, I'll pop some popcorn, pull up a lawn chair, and watch him be miserable. I don't need you to be happy. I just want you to do what I asked you to do. I want you to learn to be responsible for yourself so I don't have to be responsible for you. We've covered that before on the flip side,

which is when we lecture, micromanage, get all over our kids all the time, what we're in essence doing is saying, you're not capable of doing this yourself, so you need me to remind you and be on top of you and show you how to do it, when to do it. You're not capable of doing it. So I need to be responsible for you, for your behavior, for your mood. No, I want to step back to give my child space to step up. So this week, let's start teaching your kids that principle. Oh yeah? You want me not to micromanage you? So show me in one very practical, small way that you can control yourself. Look, we've done this example before with screens, right? If you can't control your screen time and you're always like, hold on, I need to save it. I need to get to the next level. Well, what that tells me is you can't control your screen time. And so if you can't control

your screen time, then I'm going to have to take it away. But if you can prove to me that you can control your screen time, oh, then I can feel free to let you continue to play or even give you a few more minutes. But that's first dependent on you demonstrating that you can control yourself. If you need a little help with that, or if you want the Calm Parenting Package or Get Everything Package, it's on the website at CelebrateCalm.com. But if you need help picking out any specific, dealing with specific issues, needing something within your budget, reach out to Casey. He came up with this whole idea in the first place. C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. If you want to schedule a call with me, I'll be glad to talk to you.

Even talk to your teenager, but just know I'm going to challenge your teenager because I believe they are capable of stepping up, even if it's just to get you off their back. Anyway, love you all. Thanks for working so hard at this and appreciate you sharing the podcast with others. Bye-bye.