Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Help Defiant, Task Avoidant, Unmotivated Kids Who Ask "Why?"

Episode Date: September 1, 2024

How to Help Defiant, Task Avoidant, Unmotivated Kids Who Ask "Why?" You have a strong-willed child who knows how to push your buttons, may be rude and defiant, won't push through when tasks are hard, appears lazy, and always asks, "Why?" when told to do something...instead of just doing it. Kirk's advice for you could just change your family for generations.  Our Back-To-School Sale Begins Today. Don't begin the school year with power struggles. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. AG1 Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. SIMPLISAFE Protect your home this summer with 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. Just visit https://simplisafe.com/calm.   AIR DOCTOR AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! PHYLA Tackle acne’s root causes for clearer, healthier skin for your child. Get 25% off your first order of Phyla with the code CALM. Go to https://phyla.com and type in the code CALM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So was the girl in the story that I'm about to tell you really rude like her mother asserts? Are your kids really lazy or just not motivated by the same things that motivate you? Are they really avoidant and won't push through hard tasks or is that only with tasks you care about? Is that pig-headed obstinance only a reflection of your child's personality or partly because you're too rigid at times? The traits that irritate you most about your strong-willed child will be the very

traits that cause you to change the most inside and the traits that make your child wildly successful in the real world. And that is what we are going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. I want you to think about your strong-willed child's traits that irritate you, that push your buttons, that trigger you. Here's one that just popped into my head and I'm not sure

why, but let me roll with this. When you instruct your strong-willed child to do something, their first response is often, why? And we misinterpret that as defiance, but it's also the smart response of a human with good critical thinking skills who wants to know the context for your request. And I get it. You're the adult. So you're like, there's no context. I told you to do that. So your response is yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. And I get that. I know that's what you want, but you're not going to get that with a strong willed child. You can either choose, and it is your choice, to get bothered by that and see it in a negative light. Or you can use it to highlight your triggers, which may include this deeply held belief that kids are supposed to be immediately obedient. And I did a podcast on that back in February.

So if you struggle with that, go back and listen to that. You can choose to create a power struggle and label your child in a negative way over this. And you would be right and justified and entirely wrong at the same time, because it's really hard with these strong will kids because maybe, just maybe, you can use this insight to free yourself from your rigidity that infects all your relationships and your daily life and your thinking about judgment of others. Maybe you can use this insight to speak powerful words over your child's future instead of damning them with things like you never listen how are you going to be successful if you can't follow directions instead you could rightly say son daughter in the past you're asking why has always bugged me because I was never allowed to actually question anything as a kid

and was taught that it was disobedient and disrespectful. And I'm sorry I have reacted that way in the past. What I have missed is all the amazing qualities this tells me you possess. See, you're not afraid to ask why. That's a good thing. Being assertive and speaking up is a really healthy trait. Groupthink and doing what everyone else is doing can lead to catastrophes for society and individuals. I like that you have the courage to speak up. You are a good thinker. You were busy doing something and I came along and told you to do something else. While it would be easier for me if you didn't say anything and just did what I

told you to do, I'm glad you had the common sense to speak up and simply ask, why are you asking me to do something different right now? That shows me you have good critical thinking skills, that you're not a robot, that you can think and analyze and process information. What you are looking for, son or daughter, is context. And the reason is you have a strategic brain, which is a huge asset in life. Now, unfortunately, you don't get to use it much in school because schooling tends to require memorization and regurgitating information. And those aren't your strong suits. And to be honest, I've not really encouraged this kind of thinking as much as I should

have either but in the real world in the adult world where you will spend most of your life people and companies will value your brain because they pay more money to people who can think by the way it's also why you're good at chess and checkers and tinkering with things and pushing your sister's buttons and arguing with me. You see patterns and know how things fit together. And that's another superpower to have in life. Now, next time, instead of just asking why, which many people can interpret as being disobedient, try saying this instead. Hey, mom, dad, could you give me more context please? See, that's specific and helpful. And look, a little side note here, we're teaching our kids how to do life. We're teaching

them how their brains work. And we know some of your kids, especially kids on the spectrum, they're not always that great socially. And they're not just being rude or off putting on purpose. They just don't have the skills. So if I come along and just say it in a negative, snotty way, they're not going to listen. But I just affirmed my child for how his or her brain works and said, hey, I've got another way you can handle this situation. It'll work a lot better in life. And you can even tell by that tone. That tone isn't that lecturing, you know, people don't like it when you do that. You know, it's a really, see, those kind of, those are patronizing. It's a patronizing kind of tone.

I'm just letting them know, hey, you've got this cool brain. You're going to speak up in life. And here's a different way to do it. Look, I didn't learn that until I was like in my 30s because I would ask the same thing at work until I finally said hey boss listen I've heard what you said I know what the objective is would you mind if I did this in a different way as long as we accomplish the same objective see I, I learned how to speak like that. I want to teach your kids how to do that.

Okay, I didn't really plan to say all of that in this podcast, but it just came out. So I hope you find that helpful. So let's build on that. Start thinking through your child's behaviors that trigger you. And then really dive deep into why does that trigger you so much? Because you'll be able to get to some of these deeply held ingrained beliefs inside of you that really hold you captive in life. And it will also, you can also do a deep dive into how can you help your

child use that trait to his or her advantage because I can pretty much guarantee that most of the time it is your own parental anxiety that causes us to miss these huge opportunities to change. So instead of crushing your child's spirit, you can build their confidence. Instead of just being bothered and triggered all the time, you can actually be free from that. I guarantee you that your kids who may not be motivated for you are often incredibly conscientious and motivated when helping other adults. Notice that the kid who won't push through a hard lesson in school or a boring chore at home will start her own baking club at school, getting approval from the principal and finding sponsorship by a coach. She'll get up in front of the school and make an announcement, sign up tons of kids, do all the

organizing and paperwork to make the club official. She'll be on time, run the meetings, organize what they're baking and how. She'll convince some local celebrity chef to come to your high school and give a lesson. Get invited. She'll get invited to do an internship at a restaurant in town. But she won't do a simple chore. You asked her, clean up her bedroom, put her clothes away, or complete an assignment she's not interested in. And so you have a choice to make throughout this coming school year. You can focus relentlessly on the things that she's not doing well, which I will tell you are largely arbitrary, like cleaning up her bedroom, putting her clothes away. Or, and you can, I had this word, you can vomit your words and your anxiety all over your child, which causes them to shut down.

Or, this is your choice, you can relentlessly notice all the great traits it took to organize that club. Because cleaning your room or doing a homework assignment has nothing to do with real life success. And I know your argument is, well, you start with small things. You have to. Yeah, that's true to some degree. But you're only focusing on those narrow things that you're really. Think about this, that you really value. Well, I really value cleaning up my room and I value making my bed every day because when

I go to bed, I like to climb into a bed that was freshly made. And I get that. But that's what you value. That's a preference. And you've got to distinguish between what are your preferences and what are you really into and what motivates your kids. Because strong-willed kids are going to be very different from you. But see, all those steps that this girl took to start and organize this club

do translate to adult success but we usually dismiss it because she this girl will not get a grade for starting this club after school there's no grade that comes from it and it has nothing to do with like good manners or good behavior and so we kind of dismiss it don't dismiss those things so here is the original reason for this podcast. It was an email from a mom that goes like this. So my daughter, Chloe, I changed the name, is eight and she's rude. It's a nice way to start the email. We held a birthday party for her at an indoor pool and she didn't greet all of the guests as several arrived at once and more people came than anticipated. Two parents

complained that Chloe didn't play with their children at all. Now here's my side note. That probably shows Chloe has good instincts and doesn't want to be around petty people. Seriously. Chloe did attach herself to one friend and while she did visit a few others she didn't make it around to everyone look she's not the freakin princess of England okay this is she's an eight-year-old girl I don't even know what my comment meant but it's frustrating to me right this is her nature our kids tend to have fewer friends but deeper friendships they have have anxiety. They're not always great socially. And my word to you, to the mom here, would be you should have known that instead. In fact, you did know that. Instead of trying to make her daughter like you, honor your

child's nature. You're expecting something. That was a wrong expectation of you that she's gonna flit about and say hi to everybody. That's not who she is. It's your own embarrassment. I'm getting ahead of myself. Both of the moms who commented are blessed with very polite, courteous, gracious daughters and for some reason I've been given a challenge. And well, it hurts me that I've tried to coax, encourage, and model appropriate behavior for her for years, and she isn't implementing what I've asked. Probably because you're trying to change her very nature, right? It would be like me coming to you, mom, and trying to get you to be like

your daughter. You'd be frustrated too. So the two moms do give me grace because it's baffling that my personality is more friendly, welcoming, outgoing, and caring, and my daughter's is very strong-willed, obstinate, and rude. By the way, I can't help but notice, you just described your own personality in all great terms. Friendly, welcoming, outgoing, caring. My daughter's is only, she's's strong, bold, obstinate, and rude. Okay. She doesn't respond to adults who speak to her. She acts shy.

Well, she doesn't act shy. She is shy. And this is exhausting because she just turned eight. So obviously, I've been doing this since she was an infant. Okay. So my answer to this is, look, I have respect for parents. You work so hard. You love your children so much. You want the best for them.

But I have to be blunt. Absolutely nothing will change until your perspective changes. One, if you do not change your attitude towards your daughter, and this is for all of us, with your sons, with your daughters. You will grow even more resentful toward her because she isn't the daughter that you wanted. And you'll continually lecture and badger her. And she will internalize the fact that her mother doesn't like who she is, and she'll feel like she isn't good enough. And she'll resist you even more. Number two, there's a grieving process allowed with a challenging child.

But the time for self-pity is over. It's not just that Chloe isn't the child you wanted. She isn't the child that you need. You are lacking something inside that compels you to need Chloe to fulfill your expectations and be like you so that you can be validated as a mother in front of your friends. Because you seem more concerned with what your friends think and how it makes you feel than recognizing that your daughter is just her own person. Number three, the reason I'm being tough with you is because I did the same thing.

I nearly destroyed my son at the same age. I could give you 10 strategies to help your daughter. That's easy. But nothing is going to change until you do, until your perspective changes. That's what ultimately changed our family. It wasn't changing Casey. Look, Casey is 31 now. He was basically the same kid at 31 that he was at 8, except he's a young man now and he's crushing in the real world. I just failed to see it when he was that age. that resentment towards your daughter. You have a lot of false expectations. Moms and dads,

really check this. Really check your expectations because we grow up with all of these things that we internalize. And I'm sure this mom, who's a really good mom, who wants the best for her daughter, has grown up with all these thoughts about what a proper daughter does. And the strong-willed child is never going to live up to your expectations in that way. So you have a lot of false expectations of your daughter and of yourself, right? Well, I must not be being a good mom because my daughter doesn't float around and she's not gracious to everybody. Why do you have to be seen as a good mom? Why does Chloe have to be outgoing and friendly like you? Why can't you accept your kids as they are moms and dads? Who says your way is the right way or the better way? It's just the way that you prefer. Number five, why is this all about you? See, when

parents make situations about themselves, and I get emails all the time no judgment in any of this it's hard stuff when I read that it hurts me I'm like that's a big red flag to me is it because she embarrasses you why do you have such a huge need for your daughter to behave exactly as you would or as you would write like were you the good girl who look a lot of this stuff is tied up in our childhood right were you the good girl who always pleased everyone else because sometimes as kids we do this well my dad won't hit me that was mine my dad won't hit me like he did my older brothers if I just am really compliant and I do everything that he tells me to do

and I say the right things. Maybe it was, well, I get attention from my mom and dad when I have such good behavior. And so what happens is you grow up and you learn, well, that served me well when I was a child because it did. All the stuff that I did as a kid to not get hit by my dad was brilliant. It's smart as a little kid. I didn't know what I was doing. But then when you grow up, it sabotages your relationships like those of you who are controlling. Look, having control issues, it serves you really well probably in your career. I know a lot of nurses that had these really troubled childhood hoods and everything was out of their control. They had a parent who was an alcoholic. And so they had to step in and control their environment because they didn't have

responsible parents. So guess what? Now they're ultra responsible and they're really good at taking care of everybody else, just usually not themselves. So don't beat yourself up for your childhood self. That child that you were, they were brilliant. They were just reacting and doing what kept you safe. And so now you can say, well, I don't have to do that anymore. So that child, in this case, mom, becomes resentful when people don't respond the way you want. So, here's some perspective. I know plenty of polite, gracious people who are mean and judgmental inside. I mean, you're assuming your daughter's rude when she's just shy.

And I know plenty of people like your daughter who don't have social graces at age eight, but who have hearts of gold. See, kids like Chloe become caring souls who stop and help the homeless person, who stand up for kids getting bullied. They sit patiently with handicapped children, with injured animals, or lonely seniors. She's only eight. What if she is shy? Why does she have to perform for others? Maybe it's that she just doesn't want to interact with certain people. I was going to say is likely your friends, because if your friends are all like that, of course she doesn't want to be around them. Look, I don't either. I don't like big groups of people. There's nothing wrong with that. So when she hides behind your leg and you

chastise her out of embarrassment, you're shaming her in front of others. So relax. I guarantee one day she's going to charm the pants off your friends because she's going to be great with adults. She's not always great in a kid world. So look, she thrives in smaller groups and gets overwhelmed because she feels out of control. That's why she gets bossy at times. So in the future, have a smaller birthday party with one or two trusted friends. Let her know it's okay to have fewer friends, but deeper relationships. And don't feel pressured to have big parties because that's what everyone else does. Plus, you will save a ton of money.

Is that your need or hers? Number seven, be thankful. Other moms are blessed, but God cursed you with a challenging child. You've got it backwards. Moms and dads, your kids, these kids are a gift. And that is not a euphemism of like, oh, they're just a gift. No, they're a gift because this child will prompt all kinds of ugliness inside of you that you need to be free from. All these things that you've carried along, these deeply held beliefs that you thought were

right. And then a stronghold child is going to like strip it all away and you're going to have to like deconstruct your faith and and how you view the world and that's a gift if you embrace it see little Chloe here she's not here to validate you the purpose of relationships is to transform us into new people so be thankful for this child every single day. I'm so thankful that Casey came out of the womb with boxing gloves on and was just so challenging because it forced me in ways that nothing else did. Look, work is hard. I've been in the corporate world. I run my own business. It's hard, but it doesn't really draw from me emotionally. It doesn't cause me to go inside and have to say like, oh, this is making me really uncomfortable. And now I have to deal with all of my childhood issues. These kids are a gift. And to this mom, I say, you just don't realize it yet because number eight, you're

missing an opportunity to look your daughter in the eyes and say, Chloe, I admire you for being your own person. I love that you have a strong sense of yourself, that you're assertive. You won't allow others to use you. You can say no. You're persistent. You're not afraid of what other people think of you. I wish I were more like you, and I love that big part of yours. See, go tell that to your child right now and then let me know how your child responds. It's likely that you feel the same exact way as this mom does toward her daughter at times. This is hard, but I bet there are qualities inside your child that you've wanted to change because your child is so different from you or maybe they're just like you. But I promise the very qualities that frustrate you the most are the very qualities that will lead your child to be wildly successful in life. These

qualities sometimes just make you uncomfortable. So think of those qualities inside your child that you sometimes struggle with. Write them down and flip it around. Notice the positive side of it. That absence will turn into persistence. The child who speaks out, they're assertive and they won't get walked all over because we know peer pressure won't affect them because they just don't care. That little attorney has great critical thinking skills. So here's my challenge for you.

You know all of that energy that you spend trying to control your kids, your family, family members, politicians, traffic, weather, and sports teams for the next 30 days because we're in September now. For the next 30 days, instead, put all of that emotional, spiritual, mental energy into controlling yourself and watch what happens. You will become a new person. You will like that new person and your kids will respect that new person. I'll give you the analogy I just used because I just updated our Come Couples program. So everybody who's got the Get Everything package, it should be automatically downloaded onto the app now. And then I'm going to start working on revising the Discipline That Works program. So here's what I wrote, what I said in that program. And it's true of parenting and marriage. If you will look at this as an adventure, right? Look at parenting your child, at your marriage as an adventure. A great adventure in which you get to become a new, more mature person.

Don't look to relationships for happiness. The purpose of relationships is not happiness. The purpose of relationships is not happiness. The purpose of relationships is transformation. It changes you as a human being. See, your goal is to change yourself, not your spouse and not your kids. And watch what happens. Your spouse and your strong-willed kids, instead of becoming the source of your frustration, become the source of your transformation.

Because they expose all of your triggers and your childhood pain. And then you can get to work on those. You get to be healed from the inside out and be a more healthy, mature person that you can be proud of. See, these stronghold kids are a gift to us when we can embrace this. Because now we're literally changing the course of history. We are breaking generational patterns forever. have to deal with the same pain and dysfunction that has sabotaged our relationships and our internal sense of worth i'm watching this play out right in front of me with our grown son who just got married and it is beautiful to see those young people they have more tools than we ever did before. And they don't have all the hangups that we had that

sabotaged us. Can you imagine how powerful that is to literally change the course of history in your family? You are affecting your child's relationship with his or her own children and grandchildren. And your great grandchildren will be different 50 years from now. Not because you were a successful executive or really good at keeping things tidy or because you left a big inheritance, but because you changed yourself as a human being. You have the power to break these patterns. And when you break those generational patterns,

you will have begun to create a new family tree. So that's our goal in September. Let's hit this hard. Let me know how we can help you. We are doing a back-to-school sale at CelebrateCalm.com, so take advantage of that. But if we can help you in any way, let us know because we know this is hard work. Thank you. Look, thank you for letting me be

tough with you. I hope you always know there's no blame, no guilt, no judgment, but I do want to be tough because I'm tough on myself because I don't want to be a jerk. And so I appreciate you continuing to listen to the podcast. I appreciate you sharing it with other people. That means a lot to us because I really want to, and let me close this up. I really want to change ourselves, but this will change our kids. When you can start speaking into their lives like this and saying, oh, all those traits irritated me. They're going to help you out in life. That's a really cool thing that builds their confidence. All right. Love you guys. Enjoy if you're in the States.

Enjoy Labor Day weekend. And if you're other places, hey, enjoy your weekend anyway. Okay, love you all. Bye-bye.