Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Stop Entitlement, Build Resilience & Stop Being Referee With Siblings?

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Starting point is 00:02:03 Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So how can you help your kids be responsible for their own behavior and choices? How can you encourage your kids to fail and bounce back? What about stopping feelings of entitlement and teaching kids of all ages resilience? Want to stop being the referee between the siblings? Good. I want to show you how in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

Starting point is 00:02:46 You can find us at celebratecalm.com. This episode of the podcast is dedicated to Natasha. She's a really good mom who found us on Instagram about two months ago and just emailed us this. She said, I've been taking the summer challenge to focus 100% on controlling and changing myself. Going through the 30 Days to Calm and Straight Talk for Moms programs has been eye-opening because I hadn't realized just how much I try to manage everybody else's emotions and how I try to keep everyone in

Starting point is 00:03:20 our home happy. And at family get-togethers. I'm always trying to make sure everything goes well. And now I know why I have been so exhausted all the time and why my kids must have been so frustrated. The good news is that two of my kids have actually said lately, I like being around this new mom. Can you keep doing this? And the mom, Natasha said, look, it makes me laugh and it makes me cry at the same time. But I wanted to write and encourage other parents that you really will change your family by changing yourself first. Look, I am super proud of all the moms and dads who have embraced this goal. I have so much respect for you. And I want you to know, because a lot of, like Natasha wrote here of like, oh, dads who have embraced this goal. I have so much respect for

Starting point is 00:04:05 you. And I want you to know, because a lot of, like Natasha wrote here of like, oh, it kind of made me sad. And so you have these regrets of like, oh, I did it wrong for so long. Look, there's no blame or no guilt. And here's the really cool thing. You, your kids now watch you change right in front of them. They're watching you transform yourself. There are no lectures necessary. That is the greatest lecture you could possibly give your kids. Look, Casey watched me right in front of him go from this kind of angry, sometimes out of control, authoritarian dad, the highway approach, to the calm dad who could control himself. He watched me wrestle with issues and struggle with it and change. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Starting point is 00:04:52 Look, I could end this podcast right there and just say, my goal for you is this, is to become a new person and have your kids watch you because it is humbling and at times humiliating. I know as a guy for me to admit of like my way wasn't always the right way. And I was a grown man who couldn't control himself. So super proud of all of you. So much respect for you for doing this. And look, you guys know this. You have to control your own anxiety, control issues, perfectionism,

Starting point is 00:05:23 your need for your kids to always succeed. And you've got to do that by stepping back. See, when you step back, you know our phrase, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. When we step back from micromanaging, from lecturing our kids, it gives them space to step up and be responsible for themselves in ways that may make you uncomfortable or even irritate you, but ultimately you're going to love this. So look, if you don't step back, you handicap your kids because you end up being responsible for their behavior. And they never learn to develop the internal resources to deal with their struggles and failures because you're always jumping in.

Starting point is 00:06:09 And they never received the deep internal satisfaction that results from overcoming struggles. So here are 10 statements, 10 affirmations that I'd like you to internalize. And these are affirmations you can say to yourself. Some of these things you can verbalize even to your kids. Just pull the relevant parts out of it. But I mainly want you to internalize these truths. Number one, I respect you enough, kids,

Starting point is 00:06:37 to allow you to fail and learn from it. See, one reason that your kids resist your pressure is that they want to own their choices and their successes. They want to own their failures. They want to do it themselves. They want to figure it out. They want to touch the hot stove. That's how they learn. See, if your kids succeed in a certain area because you pushed and pressured, then you are responsible for their success and you own that. They didn't do it. So what do I want you to do differently? One, control yourself instead of your kids. Look, our intentions are usually goodness, respect, but sometimes we need, sometimes watch this,

Starting point is 00:07:19 sometimes you may need to feel needed and we have control issues and we have too much anxiety and not enough patience and faith in our kids. And they feel that and so they resist. So number two, I want you to give your kids space to own their choices. They need to try and fail themselves. They need to work through struggles, disappointment, frustration.

Starting point is 00:07:40 They need to try things in different ways, even though you know the right answer. And it would be easier if they would just listen to you and do it your way. But see, I want them to struggle. I want you to normalize imperfection. I want you to talk around the dinner table about something you did at the office in your work that didn't work right and you failed at doing because it's a normal part of life. And instead of talking all the time about, oh, these are all the great things you do, I want you to actually celebrate the fact of like,

Starting point is 00:08:10 hey, I admire you. You tried something new. You tried something difficult and that takes courage. What did you learn from it? Model that in your home. It's a really cool thing when you can encourage them and say like, man, I admire your persistence. Keep working at it. I know you can do it.

Starting point is 00:08:31 And then walk away and get busy with your own life instead of always being kind of all over them, micromanaging them. It's really cool what will happen when you give them some space to work on things themselves. Man, it's a beautiful thing. Number two, look, this is for sibling issues and when your kids get slightly older. Hey guys, I respect you enough to allow you two to work out your issues without me having to separate you and send you to your rooms. I respect you guys enough to believe that you're capable of handling this conflict without me having to handle it for you. I love that phrase. I love the phrase, I believe you're capable anyway.

Starting point is 00:09:19 But in this situation, look, I would begin using that with little kids. Even when they're four and five, even if they're not capable yet, you're sending the message that your expectation is that they will learn how to do it themselves. Hey, little guys, I respect you enough to believe you'd figure this out yourself, right? The kids come tattling on each other. Look, I've got two options here. I can come down hard on the one who tattled, because that's not a great thing to do, another one who did the other thing. Or I can turn it over to you and put it in your court and trust that you two are capable of figuring this out

Starting point is 00:09:57 yourselves. And another choice is, look, I'd come and be the dictator and control everything. See, I respect you so much that I expect you to grow up and learn how to control yourself instead of reacting to your sibling every time. See, if you can't learn how to control yourselves, then I'll need to step in like a dictator and control you all the time and treat you like little children. See, that's your choice, but I have higher expectations of you. So one of the reasons I want you in the Get Everything Packaged is Casey's program, Straight Talk for Kids.

Starting point is 00:10:32 He teaches your kids this principle. When you learn how to control yourself, then your parents won't have to, and it gives kids ultimate freedom. Okay, number three, I respect myself enough to let you know that you may talk disrespectfully to me, but I will not be providing that taxi and meal service for you. Because ultimately, I respect you enough to believe that you can disagree with me without being rude. See, I cannot always tell you. I can't always tell you what you're going to do, but I can always tell you what I am going to

Starting point is 00:11:10 do. So from now on, I'm not going to lecture. I'm not going to threaten. I'm not going to create drama. I will simply do what I said I was going to do. So, right, I hope you can internalize that of like, your kids can talk to you like that, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to end up taking you places and doing things for you. That's not being vindictive It's not being vengeful. It's just saying this is how life works. You respect other people They respect you and it's same way. It works the same way in our home. I've got self-respect So I can't make you respect me But the truth is I'm also not going to disrespect

Starting point is 00:11:47 myself by taking all this verbal and other punishment from you and then turning around doing everything that you want me to do. It's not how life works. So I apologize if in the past I sent the message that I wouldn't follow through. That was confusing to you, confusing to you, so you probably didn't respect me. But that stops now. From now on, I am a person of my word. One of my favorite discipline tools is this.

Starting point is 00:12:18 I'm not going to create drama. I will simply do what I promised you I would do. Sometimes parents, we call it like enforcing your consequences. In our words, we say, I'm just going to keep my promise. I promised that if you did X, this is what the consequence would be. And so I'm not going to be snotty with you. I'm not going to remind you 18 times. I'm just going to do what I told you I was going to do. See, now I'm a person of respect and self-respect. Now I'm a person who just does what they said they were going to be, which makes me a trustworthy person. Okay, number

Starting point is 00:12:53 four, I'm going to show you I respect you by not reacting to you anymore. I apologize for doing that in the past. Inadvertently, I taught you that you are actually in control of my feelings, moods, and behavior. And that's unsettling because you need me to be the immovable rock you can count on. From now on, I refuse to give you that power over my emotions and my moods and my behavior. See, your behavior does not determine my behavior. Your mood does not change my mood. Instead, I want you to know this. When your world is out of control, mine's not. I can help you even when you're struggling.

Starting point is 00:13:36 Okay, number five. I respect you so much that I'm not going to keep lecturing and badgering you because I know you have everything inside of you that it takes to be successful. Yeah, I'm going to give you tools. I'm going to show you how to complete that assignment, a chore. But I'm not going to make your responsibilities mine because I believe you are capable. I respect you so much that I'm going to stop lecturing because otherwise what I'm telling you is that you're not capable of being successful without me micromanaging you. See, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up. But as long as we're hovering and monitoring all the

Starting point is 00:14:14 time, your kids don't have space to own their own choices. So I want you, that's why this mom said, I work on the 30 Days to Calm program first. Almost every single parent, that's my recommendation. 30 Days to Calm, work on yourself, and then listen to the Stop Power Struggles with a Strong Willed Child. Those two programs will get you on the right track very, very quickly. So when you control your own anxiety and perfectionism, then you will begin, you will stop lecturing and talking so much. And this will change everything in your home. Number six, I respect you so much that I'm not going to try to create a soft landing for you every time. Because I want you to develop the inner resources it takes to handle the hard realities of life.

Starting point is 00:14:57 So even though it's hard to watch you struggle, and by the way, look, the way I look at it is I don't want anyone in life to suffer, but I do want us all to struggle. I want your kids to struggle. That's good for them. It's good for me. I don't want people to suffer, but I want them to struggle. So even though it's hard to watch you struggle, I know it's building resilience in you and confidence that you can handle tough situations. Look, I'll be honest. Our son is a grown man. And there are still times where he goes through situations and he's struggling, where my natural impulse as a dad, as a parent, is to jump in and help him out

Starting point is 00:15:41 because I have the emotional and financial resources to do so. That will always be your impulse. But I purposefully, even at his age, I step back and I give him space because I know it's building something in him. And it's a sign of respect that you are capable. And so, look, there are times where you're really going to want to jump in, and I want you to practice not doing it. It's a really cool thing. And then later, what I want you to do is point out and say, hey, remember that time X happened, and you stepped up to the plate, and you handled that?

Starting point is 00:16:18 Man, you can do these things. Okay, number seven. I respect you so much that I'm going to keep my promises. We mentioned that before, enforcing consequences. Keep my promises and say no to you even when that makes you mad at me because I value your long-term emotional well-being over my convenience in the moment. See, my job as a parent is to do what's best for you, even when it's uncomfortable for me. And I know that sometimes you're going to be angry at me and upset at me, and that's okay. I'm okay with that. I will say yes to experiences, but I'm going

Starting point is 00:16:59 to say no to buying you things. And I will say no when it's in your best interest to do so, because I love you. Number eight, I want to show you that I trust and expect more of you instead of thinking, oh, he isn't capable of handling this himself or herself, so I have to jump in and fix it. Because ultimately, that's more about my own anxiety control issues and comfort. So I believe you're capable. Number nine, I respect you so much that I'm willing to allow you to be uncomfortable in life, even though it pains me to see you struggle. Because I'm tired of robbing you of the inner satisfaction that comes from overcoming a

Starting point is 00:17:46 struggle. This one I like because sometimes when we jump in, maybe this will help you framing it this way, when you jump in sometimes and help them too much or fix things, you're robbing them of the inner satisfaction that comes from wrestling with it, from being uncomfortable and overcoming it. Again, I always give kids tools to succeed. So you have a child who struggles with anxiety, and we've done plenty of podcasts on that. I give kids tools to deal with their anxiety, but I don't say, oh, I know it's hard going no places. Let's just stay home. No, that's robbing them of learning. Instead, I say, of course, I'm normal.

Starting point is 00:18:25 Of course, it's difficult to go into that new taekwondo class. You don't know anybody in there. They might pick on you. You don't know what you're supposed to be doing. Someone might be impatient with you. You might fail. That's hard. But I believe you're capable of going.

Starting point is 00:18:38 And here's the tool I'm going to give you throughout your life to overcome your anxiety. See, now I'm equipping them to handle it themselves, not just saying, you know what? Tough luck, kid. Good luck. So you're not going from being like micromanager to, you know what? I don't care anymore. You do. Not. Look, the extremes, I don't do the extremes, or I don't do the authoritarian, but I don't do the really sweet talk either. I talk to them even matter of fact tone because I believe that you're capable. By the way, that tone of voice is very important because that imparts confidence. Well, buddy, you know what? You know,

Starting point is 00:19:15 I really know. See, when you start talking to an anxious child, like, you know what? I think you're really going to have a good time today. All they know is, no, you don't believe that because you don't even sound like it. And I'm also not going to say, you know what? Get over your stuff. When I was a kid, no, I'm just normalizing. Yes, this is a part of life. You struggle in this area, but I believe you're capable. That tone of voice is really important. That's why I appreciate you listening to the podcast because you get to hear me do that. If you download our programs to that app, man, I would keep that app on. I just keep it running in the car. Let your kids listen, by the way. I would play this one for this particular episode. I would play for your kids and say, what do you think about that? What are some areas where you want me to step back? Have

Starting point is 00:20:03 I lectured you too much? Because if I have, I apologize because I believe that you are capable. Let your kids listen to this. We love kids listening to our programs because they get this stuff way quicker than we do and they'll hold you accountable. Hey mom, that guy just said like, you're supposed to stop yelling at me

Starting point is 00:20:20 and stop talking so much. And you're gonna be like, you're rude. And you're gonna be like, but mom, that's what the guy said. Is that true or not? You're going to be like, it's true. This is really cool. Number 10, I apologize for leading you to believe that you don't have to be responsible for yourself because I'm always there trying to fix everything. I respect you enough to expect you to be responsible for your choices. Look, the truth is we try to control our kids' emotions and save them because it makes us uncomfortable to see them struggle. But we ultimately handicap them and disrespect them by saying we don't think they're capable of handling

Starting point is 00:20:56 the truth and dealing with disappointment. And that just leads to frustrated kids who feel incapable and powerless and micromanaged and they end up questioning themselves and develop kind of entitlement mentality, then my parents are going to jump in and they feel cheated and robbed because they didn't get to own their own choices. So let's do this differently. Begin practicing these new skills. I'd begin saying these statements for your kids even at age two, right? Because it has literally nothing to do with your child and it has everything to do with creating healthy expectations and boundaries for yourself. So you're not just doing this for your child initially,

Starting point is 00:21:31 you're doing this for you so you can internalize these expectations and then your kids will own it. It's really cool. Hey, thank you for listening to this podcast. Thanks for subscribing, for sharing it with others. Thanks for hanging out with us on Instagram and Facebook. If we can help you with anything, let us know. Email Casey,

Starting point is 00:21:50 C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm.com, and we'll be glad to help you. If you need help financially with any of our programs, just reach out to us. We help everybody. Okay, love you all. Keep working on yourself. It's a cool thing to do this summer.

Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Stop Entitlement, Build Resilience & Stop Being Referee With Siblings?

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