Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Stop Meltdowns, Defiance, Hitting & More

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Do you have kids who don't even respond to consequences, right? You've done the right thing. They're misbehaving and try being logical, maybe use love and logic and behavior management, all those things. And it just doesn't work. I'm going to tell you why and tell you what to do instead. That's what we're doing today on today's version of the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. I'm psyched that you're here. You know why? I've been doing this for 20 years. I never get tired

of this because it's invigorating because it's a different way of looking at the world, of looking at your kids, of doing discipline, of motivating them. And it actually works, right? Because we get this a lot like, oh, it's so hard. I'm like, yes, it's hard when you're trying to change the behavior of another human being, right? Of course, that's difficult. And so we get this question all the time, like, what do you think about loving logic? What do you think about behavior management? And I'm like, it's fine. It's fine. But just think about the whole idea of behavior management. Do you want someone to manage your behavior? Probably not, because it's more like controlling their behavior.

I don't want to manage a child's behavior, right? I'd rather motivate them and give them tools. And so here's what we talk about. And I'll do a quick thing on love and logic because, look, solid, solid, solid. But here's kind of the, here's my problem with a lot of the premise of most behavior management programs because it's assuming that human behavior is logical, but it's not. It's emotional. It's irrational. It's based on things we don't even know, right? And if consequences worked our jails wouldn't be filled and you and I wouldn't make so many poor decisions right true consequences also we're assuming that a kid especially a little kid whose prefrontal cortex isn't even developed

can somehow think in the moment that far ahead and say, huh, if I do this, I'm going to lose something later. And a lot of our kids can't do it and they shouldn't do it. Watch this really interesting research shows kids are supposed to be a little bit impulsive when they're young. Why? Because that's how they learn by doing things and touching the hot stove. In our modern day society, we take away all risk. We micromanage and our kids never learn how. They never learn from experience because we don't let them. Right.

And so it's a really kind of insidious thing because we're so into our kids and we're on them all the time. We notice everything that they do and we don't give them any space. And I don't have time to go through that in this episode. But if you listen to the Strong Willed Child Program, you'll hear that about giving your kids space and ownership of their choices so they learn themselves. And we need to do a little bit more of that. Or you may have the child who, when you say, hey, if you do that, here's your consequence, and they'll sit there and rub their chin and think, huh, I think it's worth it. And then they just do it.

And you're like, how am I going to deal with that? And so watch, behind much of this is this idea of, well, if a child misbehaves, which is in a sense failing, they just fail, well then I'm going to bring a consequence. Or sometimes we'll look at it as a punishment and then that will teach them. And I'm not saying consequences aren't important. I'm just saying if that's your only tool, it's not going to work with the strong will kits, right?

And it's not even that effective of a tool even though we have to use it sometimes. But here's what we say. Instead of waiting for the child to fail, what if I, by observing and knowing my child, which I want you to do, I want you to look at him and say, huh, I know, based on the last 432 times he's done this, that my child struggles in this area. Whatever it is, sitting still in class, right? Following through on directions, doing schoolwork. Maybe they'd struggle with stealing, whatever it is. I know that they've struggled the past 452 times. What if proactively I give this child tools to succeed and teach them and show them how to make different choices and give them actual tools,

right, to do that. So when you've got younger kids, look, a lot of this is more about giving them things to do rather than just saying, stop doing this. I want to give them things to do, right? So instead it's like, hey, you're really good at doing X. Could you help me with this? Like the little kids who are picking on their little baby brother. And we're always like, oh, he's looking for attention. He's not looking for attention. He wants his brain stimulated. And he's learned the quickest way to get everybody's intensity, because that's what they're after, is brain intensity. Quickest way to get intensity in this home, I start picking on the baby brother. Oh, all of a sudden, mom and dad are all over me.

So instead of stop, leave him alone. That has almost never worked since the beginning of the world, right? But instead, if I look at him and say, man, I can use your help because you're three, you're five, you're nine, you're a big guy, you know a lot of stuff, your baby brother barely knows how to do anything. So here's what I could use some help with and I focus that brain on doing something helpful. I've done a zillion of these but kids in the classroom, you need to sit still, you need to stop doing that. It will never work. Hands to yourself, that never works. But if you say, oh man, I could use your help because my mouth's really dry when I teach.

So you and I are gonna have a secret signal and when I touch my nose like this, I want you to come up and grab my empty water bottle, take it to the back of the room, refill it in the water fountain and bring it back up. That would really help me out. I just gave that child a tool in order to be successful. You know why?

Because since that kid's been in my classroom, his legs have never stopped moving. He's got a lot of energy. He needs to move. And if I just say stop or else, I'm setting that child up for failure. And that's not a right, that's not a good thing to do. Because all that child learns in school is every day, I'm going to be on red on the behavior chart. Three minutes into school, guess what? I'm already on red. And our kids end up saying, you know what? If I'm just going to be on red today, may as well just double down, make it a really bad day. Because the truth is I'm never going to be successful. No blame, no guilt, but that's what happens at home as well. No matter what I do, I always end up in trouble, sent to my room, and we just keep doubling down, right? A lot

of my guy friends, a lot of the dads out there, well, we just need to keep giving him the consequence, he'll get it. Well, if he hasn't gotten it the first 600 times, probably not going to happen. And so look in the corporate world, if I'm having trouble and I'm messing up, my boss could come and say, listen, Martin, better get your act together or I'm going to fire you. Well, what if the real issue is I don't really have the tools to do the job you've given me to do? What would be more helpful is, hey, Martin, you're a valuable part of our team, right? Not yet because you haven't really done anything, but you're a valuable part of our team, so we're going to send you away for a little bit of training so that when you get back,

you've got the tools to know how to do the job. Discipline doesn't mean to punish, take away things, send them to their rooms, take away the screens and fight and be miserable for their entire childhood. That's not what it means. Discipline means literally to teach. And that's why, why, why, why, why I really, really, really, really want you to go through our programs, go through the discipline programs and all the programs we have because we go through this in painstaking detail of how do you do it so your kids actually know how to succeed so that you can begin affirming them, right? Here's a good one.

I want you to affirm your kids for what they're doing right, right now instead of always just getting on them over what they're not doing or what you want in the future. What are they doing right now, right? And here's another, I'll give you a few more, but here's another thing. I was on a phone consultation with this really great mom today, and she's got a teenage son, 13-year-old son, and he doesn't feel that great about himself. You know why? Because of what we're talking about. All through school, all his childhood, never been good enough. He's got the good older brother who's the really good one, and he doesn't feel good about himself. And so what's happening? He's lashing out at his parents, lashing out at his brother, right? And so what hit me is we're trying to give him a consequence. No offense, but I'm going to use a little bit of language, kind of-ish.

It's like giving him a consequence because he feels like crap in life, right? This mom, I use a different word because I wanted to hit home. So here's what's happening with me as this 13-year-old kid or a 9-year-old or a 5-year-old. I feel like a loser in life, like nobody likes me, right? And because of that, I act out and I misbehave. True. I'm not denying that there's misbehavior, not at all. There is, but I'm saying you have to get to the root of it. So this kid acts out, right? He's being defiant.

He is being disrespectful at times. To give a consequence for it is like, why would that do anything? Because we're basically giving him a consequence for feeling like a loser in life. So see what I mean? I already have, I already feel bad about myself. I've already lost everything anyway. Like, why is the consequence motivating to me? Like, what are you trying to do here? The real solution to that is not to change his behavior. See, it's a huge trap. And I want to encourage you, your kids who are defiant and disrespectful, got a whole program on that. It's called Stop Defiance and Disrespect and we can deal with that in a very hard way, in a really kind of tough way, right? Like you're not going to talk to me,

deal with that. But at the heart of it, most of your kids are not defiant and disrespectful. They're very, very frustrated kids and out of their frustration, feeling overwhelmed, what do they do? They shut down and they mouth off and they resist you. And we misread it as, well, he's just being defiant. We need to lay down the law and give him a consequence. Well, think about this. What's the consequence for being frustrated? See, because that's what we're really doing if you think about it. My child's frustrated, doesn't know what to do, and so he acts out defiantly or shuts down. And so instead of dealing with the frustration, we'd go through behavior management and think, well, we'll just give him a harsh enough consequence that will

change. But there's no consequence for being frustrated. Instead, what we have to do is go with that teenager a little bit deeper and figure out why are you frustrated and deal with that, right? And start using that kid's gifts and passions in positive ways so he feels helpful in life, right? That's what we've talked about with this mom. I'm not going to reveal their whole thing, but this kid loves ice hockey. So you start with their strengths. So what can he do? Well, he's 13. He could start studying now to become an ice hockey referee. You know how good that feels to go to the ice rink every weekend and ref hockey games and get paid 35 or 40 bucks,

and to have a boss who says, man, you're a really good ref. That starts building a little bit of confidence. And what about when the world opens back up and in the fall, this kid, a coach, a former coach comes to this kid and says, hey, I'm teaching these younger kids. You are always really good at back checking and you're great on defense. Could you come out every Tuesday and Thursday night, help me coach these younger kids? Oh, that'll change the kid's attitude. That'll make them feel like I'm good at something and I have something to give to someone. That's a tool that we give a child that will get them motivated. There is nothing more motivating in life than knowing I have something to give someone else and I'm being helpful and having other adults notice that and praise them and say, man, you're really good at this. That will change behavior more than a behavior management program.

Does that make sense? It's like our little kids with sensory issues, right? And they're always hit. They hit. They're constantly touching and getting into things. They're being too rough with the new baby or you, right? And so it's not about giving a consequence or managing their behavior. It's about recognize they have sensory needs that they're seeking, but right now they're doing it in a negative way. So when I look at that child and say, hey, I know what's going on. Your body's craving sensory pressure right now. You're doing it in a way that gets you in trouble. But what if we built you an obstacle course? What if we got you involved in gymnastics and taekwondo and swimming because we know you're not going to do well with team sports because most of your kids aren't.

So get them involved. Play to their strengths. Why do they have to do a team sport? Just because you did that, you think, well, it'd be a great way for them to make friends. Maybe. But, watch, I'm going to hit this one. Maybe they don't want to have a lot of friends. Maybe you want

friends, but maybe they're happy doing individual sports because they can focus better and they can be in control of it. Observe your kids, know your kids, give them tools to succeed. That will change their behavior very, very quickly. Here's another thing you can do. Listen to our programs and go through them because we show you step by step. We know COVID-19 is hitting, so we'd slash the price of 66% on our programs. So if you go to celebratecalm.com, you will find a special sale and you'll find a phone consultation with me. That's a little bit more expensive because it's my time. I've done this a long time and I cut through the clutter and it's worth it. But you can listen, you can get like 30 hours worth of instruction from me, right? For a really good price that's less than the cost of like one

or two trips to a therapist, right? And it's awesome. If you need help financially, ask our son Casey. It's C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com and tell him about your situation of your family and we'll help you. We'll come up with the right products and within your budget and we'll make it work for you because we want to help you and we want, look, we don't want, this doesn't have to be so hard. Parenting is hard, but it doesn't have to be that hard. It's hard because we're trying to control the behavior of other human beings instead of controlling ourselves and giving kids tools and showing them how to do this, right? Does that make sense? So thank you for listening. Thank you for being involved. Thank you for being a good parent. I get it. It's really difficult with the

strong-willed kids. Our job is to give you tools, to give you tools so you can go step by step and find out you can actually enjoy these kids again. And every day doesn't have to be discipline, discipline, consequence, consequence, because you've proactively given them tools. Okay. Love you guys. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.