Calm Parenting Podcast - How to Teach Kids Self-Control & Gratitude

Episode Date: March 26, 2023

How to Teach Kids Self-Control & Gratitude You sacrifice so much for your kids and sometimes they don’t express gratitude. You don’t want them to grow up feeling entitled and walking all over you. Or maybe your kids can’t seem to control themselves. So how can you teach kids gratitude and self-control in practical ways? Kirk shows you how. Our Spring Sale Begins Ends Next Weekend! Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Questions? Need help? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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seem to control themselves. So how can you teach kids gratitude and self-control in practical ways? That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your kids. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family, discuss it. We reply back to you personally, usually very, very quickly. If you ever need help financially with any of our products, if you want to book a live event, just talk to Casey. It's awesome. So many of us have kids, right, that don't express gratitude. They struggle with self-control. And so here is my least favorite way to address gratitude

with a lecture. You know, kids, it's really important for you to learn to express gratitude in life because, ick, I hate that. It's such a patronizing tone and it pretty much guarantees kids will stop listening. So here's a better way. And I want to share kind of a more specific example of a couple that I'm mentoring through our phone calls. And I think it's perfectly fair to say the following in a very matter-of-fact way. So before you give your child extra time, extra privileges, in this case, the kids were kind of taking advantage of the parents because the parents are like, hey, I'll give you extra time. I'll give you privileges. But the kids aren't really responding the right way. So you could say this, hey guys, I'm going to give you extra time on screens or

extra privileges. The grown-up response is to say thank you and have gratitude. Now, if you respond that way, it shows me you're growing up and can handle more freedom. If instead you whine and always ask for more, that shows me you're not ready for the extra time. So I will actually take away or reduce the time that you actually get. The choice is up to you and how you respond. See, I like that. You're just telling them, this is the way that we roll in the home. And here are our expectations. You're not getting all personal.

You're not making it a long lecture, right? You could set this expectation. Guys, the rule was that the TV is to be off by 8 o'clock p.m. I'm willing to give you an extra 15 minutes, but if you want that in the future, here's my expectation, that you will actually turn off the TV two minutes earlier. Why? Because that demonstrates self-control. And say thank you for the extra time because that demonstrates gratitude and maturity. If you respond that way, you'll earn more time, more privileges. Do you think you can do that? I'm just laying out an expectation that you're going to turn it off two minutes early because I like that. And you're going to say, thank you. That's my expectation.

Think you can do that? Now, if your kids respond well and they make progress, then simply affirm it. Hey, nice job. That shows me you're growing up. And you can continue to give them more freedom because they showed you they were capable of controlling themselves. If they continue to whine, don't lecture and don't whine yourself about their lack of gratitude. Instead, calmly, firmly get up, turn off the TV, enforce the time limit, and go about your business. Do what you said you were going to do dispassionately until they begin to see that their choices affect their lives. But there's no need for lectures or aggravation or walking into the room. I can't believe that I gave you all that extra time and you can't even do that. None of that. Instead, just do what you said you were going to do and do it dispassionately until they begin to see their

choices affect their lives. You don't have to be frustrated. You don't have to be angry. You're just teaching them, right? Now, it takes some consistency with that. So let's talk a little bit more about self-control. Here is a small way to teach self-control. And you may laugh at this, but, and it's okay if you do. I don't mind being laughed at. But when Casey, but it was highly effective. When Casey was young, we'd go to Red Robin, right, for burgers and fries. And so I began asking Casey this, hey, how many fries are we going to leave on our plate this time?

And he rightly replied, duh, why would you not eat all of these thick, greasy, salty, yummy fries? And my reply was, well, to show that you can. And to show that you can leave a few on the plate and delay gratification. It's not like he ever said, dad, there's so much wisdom in that. I just can't wait to do it. He didn't like it all the time, but he did it. And I wasn't trying to convince him or force him. I was leading him. I was modeling it for him. I was showing him self-control in my own life. And this is critically important. The best way, you already heard the worst way,

which is to lecture. The best way to teach self-control and gratitude and kindness and everything else is to model it for your kids. What you do screams way louder than anything you say. Do your kids see you or your spouse being patient with other drivers, with people that are kind of in their way? Do your kids see you being your spouse or you being patient with your spouse, you know, as a couple together. Do your kids see you acting with gratitude in tough situations? Do they see you exercising self-control and delaying gratification when you

want something? See, that's how the lessons get built into their DNA rather than simply forced on them or talked at them. They see their mom and or their dad, preferably both, right, modeling this in just everyday life. So I'll end this with one of our favorite tools, and you'll hear this if you get the Calm Parenting Package or Get Everything Package, you'll hear this on the Discipline That Works program. This is one of my favorite ones. And it's this, you tell your kids, guys, here's the deal. This afternoon, I'm giving you 27 minutes of video game time, but here's how it works. I'm not going to remind you 10 times because you know how it works. Guys, remember, you got to turn it off. Seven minutes left, three minutes left, one minute left. And

then you tell them, they're like, no, no, we just need to save it. We need to get next level. And all this drama. I'm not doing that drama. So guys, you need to set your timer a few minutes early. And here's why. I'm going to walk into this room in exactly 27 minutes. If I even hear one peep about, hold on, we need to save it, we need to get to the next level, or can we just have, it will tell me that you're not capable of handling this privilege. If that screen is still even flickering at all, you will have chosen to lose your video games for three days. I promise you, you don't turn it off in 27 minutes. You lose it for three days. The choice is up to you. So choose wisely and let me know if you need some help. Go, right? And so then, and look, here's why, partially why I like it. You're just laying it out very, very clearly, right? And you're saying you will, you have a choice. Your choice determines what happens from now, right?

You will have chosen to lose your video games, right? Because they're going to be like, you're so mean. You're taking it away. Nope. This is your choice, guys. Totally up to you. Notice, notice also the tone of voice. I don't need you to do it. I don't, I don't have to have you. Notice also the tone of voice. I don't need you to do it. I don't have to have you. You don't have to behave. I don't need you to do. I don't need you to behave. I don't need you to do this. Totally up to you. It's your choice. Just let you know the way I roll in the home. So here's what I want you to do. You walk into that room after 27 minutes, but I guarantee you this is what you're going to find. Your kids are still going to be playing their video games. Why? Because that's their job to push the limits, to test you, and then to argue and negotiate with you, right? And if they've done that successfully in the past,

then you should apologize to them. Not groveling. Apologize. Hey guys, I apologize. I've created the expectation that you don't actually have to listen to me. I've created the expectation that you don't actually have to listen to me. I've created the expectation that you could wear me down by arguing, crying, yelling, and throwing a tantrum. And I'm sorry I taught you that that would work with me. From now on, it's not going to work. So you walk in confidently, even quietly, and just say in a low key tone, hey guys, just wanted to remind you that you just chose to lose your video games for the next three days. Now, how are they going to respond? Mother, father, it means so much to us that you enforce boundaries and say no. It makes us feel safe as children.

Of course, they're not going to say that. Instead, you're going to hear whining, complaining, gnashing of teeth, disrespectful words that you're mean and stupid. Don't be shocked. Don't take it personally. They're not mad at you. They're mad at themselves for making a bad decision. So what do you do? Just do what you said you were going to do. In our curriculum, we don't call it enforcing consequences as much as we call it keeping your promises. That's golden, right? Hey, I'm making a promise to you. If you choose to do X, here's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to lecture you. I'm not going to be mad at you. I'm not angry. I'm simply doing what I told you I was going to do because I keep my promises. Why? So that you can trust me, right? You promised

this would happen and now it has. That's integrity and consistency and you keeping your promises so they can count on you, right? Now, after three days go by, you can begin to teach self-control. Guys, here's the deal. You get your video games back today. I'm going to give you 27 minutes again, but here's what we're going to do. A little twist here. If you can turn off your video games back today. I'm going to give you 27 minutes again, but here's what we're going to do. A little twist here. If you can turn off your video games after 27, after 25 minutes, two minutes early, after 25 minutes of playing, I will give you an additional four minutes tomorrow night to play. So you actually get 21 minutes, right? So if you guys turn it off two minutes early, I'll give you an additional four minutes to play. You're making it fun. You're giving them an incentive. Delay gratification tonight by giving up two minutes to get an additional four minutes the next night. See,

it's a concrete way to teach this during doing something that they enjoy playing on their screens. See, if they stick to 27 minutes, awesome. Just affirm them with a fist bump and they get to live to play another day, right? If they go over 27 minutes, just repeat the cycle until they get it. No drama. Guys, you just chose to lose for another three days. That's not fair. We didn't think you'd do it. You're awful. You're mean. Nobody else's parents do this.

There's no response to that. I just do what I said I was going to do, right? But when that day comes and they say, Mom, Dad, we turned off our video games two minutes early. Now you get to come in with a nice big fist bump and a short matter of fact. Hey, well done. That's called self-control, boys. That shows me you're growing up. Father can't even do that. I'm kidding about the last part, possibly. But now you're teaching them and you're showing them, right? That's what I want to do. So this week, what are we going to do? No long lectures, no whining and complaining yourself, right? I simply

want you, one, to model things for your kids. How to handle disappointment, how to be grateful when things don't always go the right way, and then how to exercise self-control. That means not lecturing a lot. That means, look, I only have one way to say this. That means dads out there, you have to stop reacting and losing control of your own emotions. You simply can't react all the time and lose your own emotions and yell and scream and then turn around and expect your kids to exercise any matter of self-control

when you can't do it. Applies to you as well, moms, right? But for dads out there, your kids are watching you. And so I want you to exercise that. So listen to the 30 Days to Calm program, right? Go through that. Email me while you're going through it. Tell me what your triggers are. I will personally help you. If you put the time, if you invest that time, and yes, you invest your money in getting these programs and going through them, and you email me, I will answer you personally. Let's invest in this

together because I want your family to change. If you want more ways to teach your kids self-control and gratitude and how to control their screens, just go through the programs, right? Start that now. Listen on the app. It's easy. If you need help with that, text Casey or email Casey. So thank you for listening. I think you can do this. I believe in you. I believe you're capable. I believe you can break some generational patterns so your kids grow up and they are grateful and they do have self-control. That would be awesome. So if we can help you, let us know. Love you all. Bye-bye.