Calm Parenting Podcast - How to "Win" The Power Struggle Without Struggling

Episode Date: September 27, 2023

How to "Win" The Power Struggle Without Struggling You ARE going to have power struggles with your strong-willed child, no matter the age. So often, we inadvertently make them worse by fighting them, trying to “win” as if it’s a competition, or trying to convince our kids that we are right. I want to free you from that struggle. (In this podcast, I give you examples for kids from 2-22.) Learn more at https://celebratecalm.com. Want more tools like this? Get The No B.S. Program Kirk mentioned in the podcast. https://celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/50calm and use code 50calm for 50% off plus 15% off the next 2 months! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So you are going to have power struggles with your strong-willed child, no matter the age. You just are. But so often, we inadvertently make them worse by fighting them. It's like we're trying to win as if it's a competition. I'll just tell you this. If I could bet on the battles in

your home, oh, I would put $100 on your strong-willed child every day of the week. And if you want to do most dads against a strong-willed child, I'll put $1,000 because I will win more than I will lose because these kids have an iron will. They don't care about consequences. They have to touch the hot stove. Sometimes they simply like the brain stimulation and the challenge that comes with it. And we bite off on it. Look, I believe we create more power struggles than our kids do. There's no blame. There's no guilt. We don't do that. It's just true, right? It's our own control issues. It's our own anxiety as a parent, right? Of wanting to make everything just right and do it the right way, right? And so we create these power struggles like we're trying to win,

like we're trying to convince our kids that we are right. I want to free you from that struggle. So in this podcast, I'm going to give you examples for little kids like ages 2 to 22. So that's what we're going to talk about on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. A couple things top of mind. Thank you to those of you that take the time to write and to say nice things. It's appreciated. Very much so. Right?

It's a nice thing to hear. And when it's specific about how it helps you or what you like about the podcast, that's really helpful. And I do appreciate it. The other thing is I appreciate those of you who email us because I always say, hey, email our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your kids, age of the kids, what you're struggling with. And we get together as a family. We talk about it. Then we reply personally. And I do appreciate you emailing because that takes some vulnerability. Do you know how hard that is? Well, you do because you're listening to this. For someone, maybe parents who

have been judged by everybody else and you're like, I don't know if I should write or not, right? Like what if he's going to be like, you know what? You're just a terrible parent. That's why your kids are doing this, right? Or what if you've probably gotten a response before, well, you just need to discipline this child. And you're like, really? I never thought of being consistent and following through. You've done all those things. So we're not going to shame you. We know this is really hard. I will challenge you because I like to be challenged, right? And that frees us, it liberates us from things. But we do appreciate you reaching out to us. So here's what I want to get into on this one, right?

Because as the school year is underway, you've got more stress. Everybody's on edge. There's tension. So there are meltdowns from everybody, not from age 2 to 22, but age 2 to 52, right? Because you and your spouse are probably having your own meltdowns. So a few key points, key principles. No drama when you discipline. Don't create all the drama. There's no need for it, right? We escalate and we're like, I can't believe that you would do that. How many times do I have to tell you? When I was a kid, that's your issue. So stop the drama. It doesn't help.

It escalates. And when you look, if you listen to, we've got a program called Discipline That Works when consequences don't. And one of the key things you'll hear say on there is fewer words. I want fewer words. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. And the more you talk, the more kids get upset. And the more you talk, the more you get upset. And then the more information it gives your kids to negotiate and argue with you. It doesn't work. So no drama. Look, you're simply going to do what you said you were going to do. Because see, that says that I'm trustworthy. Me just talking a lot, threatening, talking about my childhood, that actually hurts my authority.

It actually reduces the trustworthiness that I have. But when I just follow through and I just do what I was going to do and there's no emotion in it, and I'm not mad, I'm not angry, I'm not flustered, you can be inside, right? You should. Let me validate and normalize you. As a parent of a strong-willed child, you should be frustrated and flustered

and concerned many hours a day. That's normal. You should feel that. But I don't want you to react out of that to your kids, right? Does that make sense? Like you are, I always say to men, like you're justified. You would be justified in lecturing and yelling and threatening. You're justified in doing that, but it doesn't work with these kids and it actually works against you. Another principle, stop trying to convince your kids that you're right. As modern day parents,

we think we have this thing of like, well, if I just say the right thing, right, I just do it there. Look, your kids are never going to say, mom, I didn't want to do what you asked. But after you lectured me for 15 minutes and shared your wisdom, the light bulb went off and I realized you're right. I'll gladly do what you want me to do right away with a happy heart and a good attitude, right? That's never going to happen, right? Stop using guilt trips. That's that whole resentment thing. When I was a kid, after all I do for you, that's pure manipulation, right? I've done so much for you. You owe me to do it the right way and do what I say. That's not right either. As a side note, and I wish I

could swear because I want to right now with this, but I have heard a couple dads say on phone consultations, yeah, I was telling my strong-willed child, you know, our home life is so much more difficult or unpleasant because of you. Or if you can't shape up, we're going to have to send you off somewhere. And this is what I want to say and say, why would you say that to a child? Seriously, you're causing so much damage over sharing and saying such things, right? Deal with your own stuff first before you put everything on the kid ruining your home. I'm not dismissing the fact that you have kids that are extremely difficult, that make things, right?

They dominate the home. You can't have simple movie night at your house because the strong-willed child has to pick out the movie or he's not gonna be happy, or he has to steal the popcorn or put a certain amount of butter or not butter and all that, I get it. It's really, really difficult.

But please stop saying such hurtful and harmful, damaging things to a kid. What do you expect a kid to say? You know what? That's true. Came out of the womb like this. And I know it's my nature. So if I were you, I'd probably hate me because I'm starting to hate myself as well. And I'm realizing teachers, parents, authority figures, my brother and sister, friends, I have trouble with friends, just about everybody doesn't like me. And I feel like I don't really fit in society. And like I'm battling up, swimming uphill all the time. And so I'm starting to internalize that I'm the issue in life. And the reason our family isn't happy is because of me. Dad, mom, thank you for letting me know that. Now I can start doing drugs and effing off myself, right? Like what? Just please. I try not to be

shaming. I'm not trying to shame you. But if you are listening, you do that. Stop you want to vent, email us. Email Casey and vent paragraph after paragraph, and I will validate you and say, yeah, really frustrating. But don't take it out on a child when you yourself can't even control yourself enough not to say damaging things. Does that make sense? So I think I've made my point clear without using the F word that I wanted to use. Now, if you're offended by that, that's your choice. You're being easily offended. I wish sometimes I could say it because I want the intensity to get in of like, we got to stop doing some of those things. It's that, you know, it's that, I haven't done

this in a while, it's that if-then formulation, right? Well, if my kids wouldn't do X, I wouldn't have to go get so upset. Really? So now what you're saying is, you're not in control of yourself. Your whole family life is dependent on what your child does. Well, if my kids would just behave, then I wouldn't have to do it. That's a terrible formulation in life. Well, if my spouse, you know what? Then just don't have relationships with another human being. Because that if-then thing doesn't work. Because your kids and your spouse and your boss and your co-workers and your friends

and your mother and everybody you know is going to do things that irritate you. And you know what else? You're going to do things that irritate them. Welcome to being a human. So let me give you a few examples of what I was talking about. So your toddler's throwing a tantrum because you won't give her what she wants. Stop being shocked and dismayed, right? I can't believe that, of course she is, right? So here's a cool one. Just sit down, literally just sit down in the middle of the tantrum

because what you're communicating is your behavior doesn't determine or change my behavior. Your mood doesn't determine my mood. I'm in complete control of myself and you can trust me because of that. And whether you say this out loud or say it to yourself is up to you. Hey, I'm just observing. I can tell you really wanted those fruit snacks or whatever she wanted. I can tell you're really upset. I just want you to know this action, what you're doing now isn't going to change my decision, but you're free to do it, right? There's something about changing your body

posture and your tone that will change this more quickly than any words or consequence that you can give, right? You're free to do it. If you want to have a tantrum, go for it. And I used to partially joke, but it's also serious of like, hey, I just want you to know this because we had 1,500 kids come in my home and they all had tantrums. Why? Because that's the quickest, easy way to manipulate someone and wear them down so that you end up giving them what they want. It's a very smart thing to do as a kid. You won't give me what I want. I'm going to make your life so unpleasant, especially out in public, and I'm going to make your life so unpleasant, especially out in public, and I'm going to embarrass you at church, at the grocery store,

so you just give in and give me what I want. That's a very bright thing to do. So if you give into that, now you're just encouraging more of it. But I don't need to shame. I don't need to lecture. I just need to let them know, do this all day long. I've got two rules in my home. One, we do everything with excellence, right? So if you're going to throw a tantrum, I want a good one. Give me everything you've got. But my second rule is, it's never going to work with me. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever. I don't care if we're in public,

if I'm embarrassed because it's my own immaturity, I'm letting the opinions of another adult that I don't even know or care about change how I discipline my child. No, you can do it in public. I just want to let you know it's not going to work. See, there's no drama in that. That's stop creating the power struggle. There's no power struggle. Your child's having a tantrum. When you engage and try to make the child stop having the tantrum, you have now created the power struggle. If the child's just doing it, there's no power struggle. Just your child behaving that way. And you're staying above that and saying, with your body posture, with your tone, this isn't going to work.

And so that's why we always say, like, I get this all the time. What's the consequence? Well, my child's showing a tantrum. What's the consequence? The consequence, well, one is, why do you need to give a consequence for a perfectly natural, normal thing that we do all the time, right? It's not going to change the tantrum. You throw many tantrums when things don't go your way, don't you, right? What about all the passive-aggressive comments and thoughts and built-up resentments you have towards your spouse, right, that you share with your friends, right? What about how you get upset when your kids don't do what you ask? Those are all normal reactions to things not

going your way. So the real consequence for a child throwing a tantrum is not giving them what they want. That takes away the power of the tantrum. They only throw tantrums because they know that you're tired, that you and your spouse aren't on the same page, which is another reason I want you to go through the programs and listen, calm parenting package or get everything packaged. Just have hubby because most husbands, there are some that will, but most listen to the dad's program, the discipline program, and the enjoying your strong-willed child. In fact, I make it the strong-willed child, the dad's one, and maybe the 30 days to calm one for dad. And that's it. Moms, you listen to

everything else, and then you fill them in with the highlights from there. Not being sexist, I'm just saying that's how it works, right? How many men read parenting books from cover to cover? Very, very few. How many moms do? All of them, right? Look, I've been doing this for 20 years. Most emails we get are in the middle of the night or late at night, right? It's almost never a dad. You know, it's midnight and I'm up and I'm just worried about my strong-willed child. And I'm just wondering, but it's never a dad. We go to bed and we're like, as soon as we're asleep, we're like, we forget that we have children. Moms never forget. So it's always, not almost always, it is always a mom who late at night, who is emailing, asking about these things.

So I'm just dealing with reality here. So, right, they know you and your spouse aren't on the same page. That's one of the beauties of the phone consultations is I can hear the tension. And sometimes it's not that hard because in the middle of a consultation, sometimes the husband and wife, I can hear them.

I can hear sometimes the control issues of one spouse and I can hear the subtle resentments. And it used to make me really uncomfortable. It still does, right? Because it's weird. But now I can address it and say, hey, you know what I just heard? And now I can say things that maybe the other spouse can't say because you're not married to me, thankfully for you, right? And what your kids know is, you're tired and you're gonna eventually give in. So when they learn that their manipulation

simply won't work, then they'll stop and you can teach them how to talk to you like a grownup. Now, what about a child who's a little bit older? Maybe they're in elementary school or they're middle school and they just push your buttons. Instead of reacting and getting flustered. Next time, just do this. And I really mean this. Try it this week. Just smile. Smile. And you can either say this or think this within yourself. You know what? You're so smart. You know that

bothers me and triggers me. And in the past, I've reacted or given in. So I apologize. Why? Because that's honesty and it's a modeling for your kids. I apologize for sending the message that your behavior controls my behavior and that your mood determines my mood. I apologize for reacting to things that you say and allowing you to push my buttons. That's my issue.

I just want you to know it's not going to work anymore, even if you continually hound me or even if you scream in public. Plus, I know that you're too grown up for that. So if you want to talk to me like an adult, I'm game. I bet we could problem solve together. Otherwise, you'll just get the opposite of what you want. And you can hear about that in some of the programs. We have an opposites rule. It's very, very effective. So look, there's no drama. Do what you said you were going to do. You lead your child to a different response by first changing yours. Let me repeat it. You're going to lead your child to a different response by first changing yours. See, we follow our kids. They act out. They speak back, talk back, they push our buttons, and then we react.

Who's leading them? Your child's leading and you're reacting. And I want to start leading the child, but I can do it without, look, again, there's no power struggle if you don't join in the struggle. That teenage child, of course, they're going to say, so let me go through that. Let's do a common teen one from a really great mom. So mom told me we're doing the phone consultations mentoring program. When she emailed me, she's like, well, my teenage daughter changed her computer and her phone passwords. So I can't see what she's been doing online. And she said, we've been getting along better,

but this is a breach of our agreement. And so my advice was, well, keep having good connection time. It's awesome. Your daughter breached the contract, as could be and should be expected of a teenager who is trying to get away with things that you won't approve of. This is not anything new, right? This is the age-old dance between a teenager looking for independence, trying to skirt their way around things, and the parents whose job is to keep them safe. This is an age-old dance. It's nothing new, right? So I'm not shocked by this. It doesn't mean that you let her get away with it, right? We don't say, oh honey, I know it's normal for a teenager. Just go ahead and do whatever you want. No, and I'm not saying to a four-year-old, you know what, it's perfectly normal for you to have a big tantrum and

throw yourself on the floor. You know what, just take whatever you want. I'm not saying that at all. You don't get away with it. It just means you tell her you're having a wonderful time with her, enjoying it. Oh, but by the way, and I say this in passing, by six o'clock tonight, just need to pass words to reset. No drama, no going in. You know what? We had a contract and that you've breached it. And that's one more reason. Now I can't't trust you and if you don't change them back too much drama no need for the drama there's no lecture there's no reasoning no convincing no drama no disappointment just a reminder and passing hey just want to remind you by six o'clock tonight there's need to be a reset don't let it phase you don't create something more than it is it's just that normal thing. I want independence and freedom

as a teenager. I don't want my stupid parents watching over me, right? And you need to protect your teens from themselves. A little bit of more advice. Go slowly with it. You don't have to engage right away. I can't believe that you would breach our contract. We need to talk about this right away. No, I mention it and then I give her some space, right? That's why I like saying it in passing. Hey, just want to remind you by six o'clock, passwords need to be reset. And then I walk away. And so I give her some space because you know why? Because here's how she's going to respond, right? So impossible. I don't know why none of my friends have to have passwords. Of course, they're going to do that. It would freak me out if your daughter was like, mom, you know what? I realized that changing my passwords was a breach of our agreement,

but even worse, it's a breach of trust. And I the trust that we've built between us. If your daughter said that I'd be like you need to worry she's up to something right. That's why you can smile at some of these things. Oh you guys are so I just wish I didn't have parents like this right. I can't believe that you would say that we have sacrificed for a year. Well maybe you've sacrificed too much and that's your issue because you chose to do that. We have sacrificed for a year. Well, maybe you've sacrificed too much and that's your issue because you chose to do that. But just, let me be a little tough on you.

Just because you chose to whatever it is, whether you indulged or sacrificed too much and you sacrificed your whole life for your child, they didn't do that. You did that and you chose that. And so you have to, you relinquish the right to guilt trip your child just because you made certain decisions. You can't lay that at their feet right now. True?

So none of that is necessary. Smile inside. Of course she's going to not be happy. But it doesn't have to be resolved right now. Doesn't have to be resolved right now. It doesn't have to be done right now. It can be done by six o'clock tonight, but it doesn't have to be done right now. It can be resolved an hour later, maybe tonight, right? But this is a non-negotiable. Those passwords have to be there. Otherwise, guess what happens?

Eventually, router in the home gets turned off, phone service gets turned off. No problem at all calling Verizon. Hey, you know that line ending in 7907? Yeah, that one, we don't need service for that anymore. There's nothing mean about that. There's nothing hard. I'm just letting the child know at six o'clock or this gets shut down. Go very low key. Let the child know what the end game is and give them time to humble themselves and adjust to your reality. One of the mistakes we make as parents is we live, we're like teenagers ourselves. Like everything has to be done right now. No, it doesn't. Okay. And so we get so hyper. I can't believe that they would do this. We need

to have a talk about this right now. Why? When everybody's upset and they're all defensive, like, does that work out? No, read the moment, read the moment. These kids are slower processors. Are they not? They're slower processors. It takes some time. They tend to have anxiety, take some time to process. So now all of a sudden in their minds, it's like, oh, mom figured it out. I changed the passwords. Oh, crap. And if you jump down your child's throat right then, what are you going to get? Purely defensive response. But if you give it a little time, you let her know, I know it. It's got to be done by six. And then you walk away. It gives them time to adjust to your reality. Look, in all of

these situations, you addressed the real issue. You didn't give the toddler the fruit snacks, right? You didn't just allow your child to keep their computer without the password. You didn't bite on the whole power struggle thing. You just did it steadily without drama or shame or lectures or convincing or creating even more struggles. So let me close with this. They tried to create a power struggle. But if you don't bite, there's no power struggle. It's just them behaving a certain way, you not reacting,

and you just letting them know. Here's a great phrase you'll hear in our programs. I can't always control or tell you what you're going to do, but I can always tell you what I'm going to do. You don't have to change these passwords back. I'm just letting you know if that doesn't happen by six, then the router's cut off or Verizon gets called, right? You don't have to play into that struggle. The child throwing the tantrum, I'm not entering into that. I'm the grown-up. I lead them. So this week, you're going to have lots of opportunities to practice this. I will make a guess that within an hour of listening to this podcast,

you will probably have some kind of power struggle come up and I don't want you to join in. And that's how you win the power struggle without struggling. All right, moms and dads, you're good moms and dads. You know why? You're listening to a podcast for parenting. I appreciate you sharing it. If you need help with anything, let us know. I'd encourage you go through the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package, especially if you've got an older child. The Get Everything includes the No BS program. Really, really practical steps to rebuild the relationship, rebuild yourself, rebuild your marriage even. And if you're not married, rebuild yourself inside. So when you start dating again, you don't keep choosing a controlling guy or redoing your own patterns that you've done with everybody else,

like getting walked on by every single person you ever dated and then married and all of your friends, right? Break those generational patterns. If we can help you with that, we'd love to, but we appreciate how hard you're working. And if we can help, let us know. Love you all.

Bye-bye.