Calm Parenting Podcast - How to “Yell” Appropriately At Toddlers, Teens & In Between

Episode Date: October 2, 2022

How to “Yell” Appropriately At Toddlers, Teens & In Between “I yell because that’s the only way I can get my kids to listen!” Okay, I get that. But what if there are other ways to “yell” that don’t result in you losing your emotions…or your relationship with your child? I’ll show you how with examples for kids from toddler years through teen years. Our Fall Sale Ends Next Weekend! Visit www.CelebrateCalm.com/products to take advantage of our lowest prices! Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2022/2023?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY! Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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at your kids because when you're yelling, you're usually out of control. And you'll say, I know, but the only time my kids listen to me is when I yell at them. Well, that's probably because it's the only time they get the intensity. And kids like intensity. You need to give them positive intensity, right? And you need to give them tools to succeed rather than just punishing them for failure and yelling at them. So I'm going to give you examples in this podcast for a toddler, for younger kids, for a teenager, how to get them to do what you want to do, how to discipline, and how to kind of yell at them without actually yelling. So that's what

we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, email us. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at Celebratecom. It's our son, very strong willed kid. Most of these lessons come from interactions with him and about 1500 kids we had in our home. So tell us about your family, ages of the kids. We get together as a family, we talk about it, we reply back and we reply back pretty quickly. And we, because we take this very seriously. So here's, let me give you a few examples. So with a toddler, one, why are you yelling at a toddler, right? There are four, right?

Like I get it. I get how frustrating it is. But I don't want to yell like at a three-year-old or a four or five-year-old or a seven-year-old or a 17. Just doesn't work. So let's, you know, simple things like they just, you know, they're having a tantrum because they wanted the fruit snacks or they want something and you're a good parent. You're like, no, can't have it.

And so they start melting down. What happens is we tend to get personal. We start to explain, right? You don't need to explain things. You can't convince your child that you're right. They're never, no matter what age, they're not going to be like, oh mom, dad, listen, now that you lectured me for like eight minutes and yelled at me, now I understand that you are filled with wisdom and I was wrong. Like that's never going to happen, right? So I say my no, they have their little meltdown. I'm fine. Even tone says I'm in control

of myself. The best way to get through to your kids is not to react to them. We think, well, I've got to raise my voice. And when I start yelling, what your kids eventually learn is they'll just keep pushing your buttons and you'll yell even more. And then you'll get worked up and you know what else you do? And what I did, you make it personal. And that's what messes up the relationship and escalates because we get personal, right? To the toddler. You know what? Why can't you ever listen to me? Why can't you just be satisfied with what I gave you? Why do you always have to ask me over and over and over again? When I was a kid, who cares about all that stuff, right? So I said no, and they keep going. I have

no problem with saying, look, I get it. You're disappointed because I got fruit snacks and they taste really good and you want them, but I'm not going to give them to you. So you're disappointed and you get upset. And so you start screaming and yelling, especially if we're in public, because you want to try to embarrass me. So I give in. Just not going to happen. Just not going to happen. It's just not the way I roll, right? Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change or determine my behavior. That is golden right there. If you can internalize that, that's part of why I want people listening to the complete programs that we have, because there are dozens and dozens of insights like that, that when you make it part

of you, then you don't have to worry, well, what do I do in this situation? It just becomes who you are and how you roll with this and you stop reacting to everything. And now I can actually teach my son and say, look, we're doing the opposite thing here. So every time you ask me, demand, ask, complain, yell at me, threaten me, right, to get the fruit snacks, it will be one more hour or one more day until you get the fruit snacks. So it's going to work against you, right? But if you could exercise some self-control, deal with the disappointment, because I know that you can, you're more likely to get those fruit snacks at some point, right? So I just don't give in. I just don't change, but I don't have to yell, right? I can

remove a toddler, right? But what I'd like to do mostly with toddlers is get them really busy. Hey, you know what? I can tell you're frustrated. Listen, this is what I could use some help with. Or I always like this one with Casey. I'd say, look, don't tell mom. Because as soon as I said that, he was like, uh-oh, we're doing something bad we shouldn't do. And it wasn't bad. I was just giving him a little challenge or a little mission to do that he thought was fun. And I got his little brain focused on that. But there was no

need to yell about that. Here's what I've been thinking about a lot lately and telling people about because it's funny. It's like the nine-year-old, seven-year-old, 11-year-old who sneaks their iPad into their bed at night. Well, it's obviously against the rules of your home. You don't take the iPad. All your electronics are turned in at a certain time and he does it. And what do we do? You know what? I can't believe, what were you thinking? You know you can't have your iPad in bed. How many times have we told you that? And yet you still do it. And look, I used to go on and on because of my anxiety. I was projecting into the future. If this kid can't follow simple directions,

and I would say things like that. If you can't follow simple directions, how are you ever going to be successful in life? What are you going to do when your boss gives you something to do and then you don't listen to the boss? And I was projecting so far in the future. I was condemning my son's future when he was six, when he was nine, when he was 12, right?

And look, you're dumping all this shame. Here's all it has to sound like. Hey, you had an iPad in the bed thing last night? You totally get why you'd want it. I get why you'd want the iPad in bed. Like, why wouldn't you? It has all these movies, all the world's information, all this entertainment. Of course you wanted to sneak it into the bed. Of course. Why wouldn't you? But you can't do that in our home because it delays your sleep because it's not good for you. And so for the next three days, for the next seven days, no iPad. That's it. That's it. I don't have to yell. I don't have to go on and on and make it personal, right? I've kind of normalized it, right? Because I do want you to get that with your kids and set your expectations. I think it would be weird if your kids didn't sometimes try to get

away with things, right? I know, but why don't they just follow the rules all the time like I did? Well, because they want to have fun in life and not be miserable like you. I'm kidding, but not really. You're too good. I once with a mom in a phone consultation, I was like, here's what I want you to do this week. I want you to break a rule. Seriously. I want you to break a rule.

Maybe do some, maybe go 56 in a 55 mile per hour. Because you need to break out of that being too cautious and too careful and I'm such a good and I always do this because I have to please other people and I'm afraid that people won't like me if I'm not the rule follower right some of you it goes back to your family of origin story right how did you get how did you get affirmation from your mom or dad by being the good one in the family. Now you're imposing unrealistic expectations. Look, I didn't let the kid get away with taking the iPad to bed.

I gotta give a consequence. But there was no drama about how he did it and you shouldn't do it. Now I can't trust you. He just did what he was supposed to do as a kid, which is try to get away with doing stuff. And he didn't. And so there's a consequence for it, right?

So I can do, I could go a step further with this and say, so here's the deal. You got your iPad back. So we could try this. I'd like you to learn to be assertive about what you want and what you need and to be honest with us. So you could try this sometime, son. Hey, mom, dad, tonight, could I have my iPad in bed till nine o'clock? If I promise I'll turn it off at nine o'clock. Now you got a 50-50 shot, son. Right? Because I may say yes, I may say no. And occasionally, if you ask like that, I may say, you know what?

We can do that. Because you have been responsible. And you are getting good grades or whatever it is. And so you've got till nine o'clock. But if that iPad is still in your room at nine o'clock and eight seconds, two weeks gone, right? But if you ask me and you're assertive and you're upfront and honest and say, I'd really like to watch this movie tonight, sometimes as a parent, I can let go of some of my rigidity and say, you know what, I can do that.

I'm gonna honor that, that you actually asked me, instead of wasting all of your energy trying to get away with it, right? So, teenager, no drama, just no more drama with things of like, there's so much talking and this and you're a teenager and all these things. It's like, no, you came home late after curfew. Let me have the car keys. That's not fair. Let them do their drama. But their drama doesn't mean you have to react with your own drama and one up them because you're the authority figure. I found the older the kids get, the less drama I do,

the more low key I get, which is they walk in there. This was with Casey. He walks in late. I'm not waiting, standing there. I'm sitting in the chair. I'm reading a book And here's how it went. I'm trying to recall this exactly He walks in and instead of me getting all over him like you know what you're eight minutes late You know what if I can't trust you to get home on time How am I going to get you to trust anything else? You're driving a vehicle which is deadly thing and it weighs so much and you could kill people with it Instead of all that, you know what I said? Hey, Case, it's car keys, and I just held up my hand.

Seriously? Seriously? Because I'm eight minutes late, you're going to take away the car keys? Really? You know, you can leave them over there. You can just leave them on the desk. Seriously, you're really going to do... But there's no need for the drama. I don't need to explain to him. He knew he was late. He knew he didn't keep the curfew. He knew that. I didn't have to bludgeon him to death

with all the time since childhood. I've never been able to count on you, Casey, because you never always showed up late. You never did what I said. You know, and how are you ever going to be successful? Like, there's no need for all of that. I don't have to yell at him. I've been staying up late waiting for you. I don't need to do that. I'm just letting him know this is how I roll. And when you're up past curfew, the car keys are mine and I will determine when you get them back. And he'll ask me 1500 times like your kids do where the screen got my phone back. And he'll ask me 1,500 times like your kids

do with the screen, can I have my phone back? Can I have my phone back? Can I have my phone back? And we don't have to create a lot of drama. I just do what I told you I was going to do. And I do it in a very low key way. I will tell you that with our kids, one, this works much better. It keeps things, two, keeps things from escalating. Three, it keeps things from getting personal, which ruins your relationship with your child. And four, I forget what the fourth point was, but it was really good. So if you listen to our programs, you'll get it there, I'm sure. No, the fourth thing was, is that I don't have to, I don't have to raise my voice. I'm making my point. And it actually lets it sink in more, right? Because I'm not

creating all of the swirl and drama. I'm letting it sink in more. And instead of me taking it on about creating all of my own drama and making it about me and how frustrated I am and disappointed in you, it's made about their behavior so they own it, right? And it keeps it very clean that way. I like that. So that's how I want you to yell at your kids. Let's try that for a week, okay? Because it will change your relationship and they'll actually start to listen to you. They don't listen to you when you start yelling because you're freaking out. You're not even in control of yourself. You don't even know what you're saying half the time. So I want you to get control of yourself, and let's work on that this

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Hey, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.