Calm Parenting Podcast - "I Can't Please You." Repeating My Own Father's Mistakes.

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

"Dad, I Can't Please You."  I remember the exact day when I realized that my son wasn't made like me. The day I realized that I had spent the first 10 years of his life trying to make him be someone he wasn't. Can you imagine how my son must have felt knowing he couldn't please the Dad he desperately wanted to please? This is an emotional and critically important message on how to accept your child as he is. Dads must listen. We go through all of this with 25 specific action steps, an actual game plan, that will build your child's confidence, make them feel capable, and rebuild trust with you-perhaps for the first time in the No B.S. Program. We've reduced the price of the No B.S. program from $300 to $99 this week only so go to www.CelebrateCalm.com and hit the NO BS tab, and begin making these changes literally overnight. Email [e-mail] for the most helpful service on the planet. We have slashed prices on our products at www.CelebrateCalm.com to help struggling families use this time together to create changes that last forever. Email [e-mail] for the most helpful service on the planet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Do you have a child that likes to do things the opposite way, who sometimes chooses the more difficult path, when if they just did it your way, it would be so much easier? A child that's hard to understand it sometimes, that makes you frustrated, and maybe your child is so different from you that you can't even like get it right, like you're a type A driven person, and they're kind of a dawdler and they

just do things kind of half you know what and maybe they're just a daydreamer or maybe it's even worse and that your child is just like you because then here's what happens you don't want your child to struggle with the same things you did so you get on that child and on them and on them try to drive that out of them and in And what happens is you create the very outcome that you feared. That's what your anxiety does. And that's a brutal, brutal process. So that's what we're going to discuss today on the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at Celebrate Calm. If you ever need help with anything, contact our strong-willed son because he's awesome. And he gets your kids because he

was just like them. And guess what? In a few years, I have a feeling he might start having kids of his own. So I think I'm going to start praying that he has really strong-willed kids. In fact, I want four strong-willed grandchildren. Would that not be awesome? Because when I'm over to start praying that he has really strong-willed kids. In fact, I want four strong-willed grandchildren. Would that not be awesome? Because when I'm over at his house, I'm going to be able to rile them up before bed and then leave. So anyway, but contact Casey. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com.

He is like your kids. He is awesome for other people. He will be amazing to you. And we have had so many people since this whole COVID thing struck that are stressed out, that are contacting us. And I read almost all of his replies, just about everything that comes through email through us. I read because this is not our business. It is not a job. It is our passion. It is what we love to do. And I get so much joy out of watching how Casey interacts with people. So if you ever need anything, contact him. He'll take

very good care of you. So I want to jump into this. I hope that if you're enjoying these podcasts, that you will please share them with other people. Two other quick things, then we'll jump into this. One is, I encourage you, I just did this podcast on another platform. It's a Calm Christian Parenting platform where you get into more spiritual stuff, but it's really interesting. Give me just a sec, take this drink. So, because I'm not technical enough to hit the little pause button there, so sorry about that. You know what it is, partly? Is many years ago, I had to break that perfectionism trait in me. Because I do have that.

I'm like, I want everything to be done just so, and perfectionism. And so it would drive me crazy and my family crazy. And so I just determined along the way, look, I'm just going to practice imperfection because that's what you have to do to overcome things. You have to practice this and really come face to face with your issues. And so now rather than doing everything perfectly, I allow myself to be imperfect because if you can't deal with a little bit of imperfection listening to us, then you're a freak. And so you need to learn how to deal with my imperfection, right? So for some reason, I've got something in my throat, which is awesome when you're just starting a new

podcast. So I did this podcast on what happens when kids reject your faith. And the really interesting thing is I've got more feedback from it from non-religious people than Christian people. And so I encourage you, it's a really good podcast because we go through kind of the principles that we use and action steps when you're having a power struggle with your child. And one of my big thing I get excited about in life is this, taking something that would normally cause a power struggle, something that would normally divide you, separate you from your child, and turn that around so that you actually bond even closer with your child.

So I go through that, and people have been emailing saying, look, I'm not even a religious person, or I was hurt by the church, and I don't like organized religion, and it's been uh-uh. And I'm like, gotcha, totally get you. And so they found it's kind of a safe place to listen to spiritual stuff. So if you're interested, Google Calm Christian Parenting Podcast. And I think you'll actually really enjoy that one.

It's one of my favorite ones I've done. So let's dig into this. I want to give you a little caveat. This is going to be a tough message. And I want you to know, I don't do blame and guilt. You should never walk away feeling, I don't want people to feel guilty, condemned. I don't want you to feel weighted down by anything that we ever say. My goal is to liberate you, but it is to liberate you from yourself because it is my anxiety, it is my control issues, my perfectionism that is my greatest enemy in life. It is not another human being on this planet.

It is not a political opponent. It is not another country. It is not anything else but myself. I am my biggest enemy, and as you get older, you will find that. That the greatest impediment to my success in life is not the government, is not a political party, is not a group over here, is not my wife, is not my kids. It is me. And the most beautiful part of that is the only person, the only thing in this world that I have any control over, that I can truly change, is myself. And that makes me an incredibly powerful human being when I realize all of my relationships,

I play a part in those relationships. So if there's any kind of dysfunction in those relationships, I can own my part. This is not about blame. It's about accepting responsibility. And so I can be responsible instead of blaming everybody else and everything else in life and the stress, I can say, no, that's my issue. And when I look inward and work really hard on myself, what I find is it changes other people. It changes how I respond to them and that changes them. It is a beautiful thing.

Moms especially, I want you doing less. I don't want more burdens on you. You already have to manage everybody's emotions in your house. You manage your husband's emotions, your kids' emotions, you're the referee when your kids are fighting, trying to make everybody happy. And that will make you exhausted. It'll make you worn out. And I don't want that. So I want to liberate you and free you. But sometimes my message is tough because it has to be. And that's the way I like to be talked to.

I am a sensitive introvert. But I like when someone tells me, hey, here's what's really going on. And you need to own your stuff. And then I can say, at least I can say, oh yeah, F you. Because that's my natural response to authority figures because I'm like your kids. And that's my natural response to do that at first because I'm also a man and most men live in denial. It's true, right? I don't have any anger issues. Clearly you don't, sir. Anyway, so my first response is to push back, but then I can humble myself and own my own stuff. And that's when I change. And that's all I ask for people is to be honest with yourself

and to practice humility. And you can't, look, if you practice those two things in life, you're going to have a pretty good life. So here's what I wanted to talk about today. It is a pretty emotional thing, and it's something that I guarantee you're going to struggle with, with your strong-willed child. I was a very competitive athlete growing up, just a very competitive kid, probably trying to prove some things to my dad to get his acceptance that I never got. And so I'm really competitive. So I remember this day that was a very emotional day when the realization hit me that I had to accept my son, that I had to accept Casey as he was. I was at an ice rink. Casey was playing ice hockey and we were in Ashburn, Virginia. I remember this day. It was about 16 years ago. He's about 10, 11 years old. And he was on this, I was on

the South end of the ice rink. It was ice rink number two. That's how clear this is to me. He's playing defense, and a kid on the opposite team skated around him, scored a goal, and my son goes over to the kid and says, Hey, nice goal. I was furious. I was down on the glass right around the rink, and I was banging on that glass and hitting my fist against my palm saying, you've got to put that kid's head right into the glass next time.

You don't let him score on you and say, nice goal. Next time you better let him know you come into my side of the rink. I'm putting you down. That was as I was starting to learn the whole calm thing, right? But I was yelling at him and I was livid at what he had done. And so I'm pacing down there and I was just learning how to change back then and process all of this. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember like it was yesterday, and I remember thinking, my son just doesn't have the killer instinct. He's not me. That's not who he is, and that's not who he will ever be. And I remember going through a series of emotions and the first emotion was my

own. It was selfish. He's kind of a disappointment. I want a competitive kid who does that. Plus, there's a cheapness part of it. I was paying like $3,500 a year for him to play travel ice hockey and he wasn't putting in effort. By the way, if you get the No BS program that you have, I'll save you a lot of time and money. Your kids are not going to practice at sports. They're not going to practice their musical instrument. They're not. And I'll tell you why later or on the program, but they're not going to do it. So just know that. You don't have to like it, but it's just the way that it is. And so it hit me that he's not like me.

And no matter what I did, I wasn't going to change his very nature. And I had tried. I had talked to him. I had lectured him. I had tried to cajole him. I had bribed him. I tried everything I could do to get him to play the game differently, the way it needed to be played. And none of it ever worked.

And then, so I'm down by the rink and I'm processing all of this stuff. And I'm looking out at my son, who I love and who I loved. And I'm looking at this little kid in his hockey gear. And then it starts to hit me. What do you think it's like for my little boy to grow up knowing my dad's really never been pleased with me? What is it like for your kids to know I can't really please you? And guess what? Your kids want to please you. I know that my son, when he was a little boy and even as a 26 yearyear-old, my son wants to

please me. I'm his dad. There's something there. It just is the way that it is. And I started to cry in that ice rink and think, what have I done to my son that for the first 10 years of his life, I've basically sent this message. You're not good enough. You can never please me. And what would it be like for a kid to know my dad's asking me

to change my very nature, the way that I'm made, and I want to be like him, but I just can't. It's not in me. And it started to hit me, what have I done to this relationship? And what kind of awesome kid do I have that he hasn't looked me in the eyes and said, dad, you know what? Go F yourself. Because that's what he should have said to me. Now, should he have said that? No, because I would have pounded the crap out of him. But because he's right. And you know what I mean by that. But he had every right to say that. But you know why he didn't? Because he kept holding out hope that something he could do one day might please me. So I'd come up after the game instead of lecturing how I need to skate backwards better and have better vision on the ice and all the things that I talked to him about.

Instead, one day what he was looking for is for me to come alongside him after a game and put my hand in his hair and rub his hair and said, proud of you, son. I'm proud of you. That day didn't come. And then the next wave of emotions hit me. And you know what I thought? I do know what that feels like, because that's how I felt toward my own father. My dad died, never having told any of his four sons, I'm proud of you, son. And there's a whole, this is not, I don't need anybody's sympathy, but it is just truth. There's a little hole inside of me.

I'm a fairly confident guy. I've done a lot of things in life and I'm very happy with my station in life and kind of how we've done some things, right? So it's not a boo-hoo thing here, but there's a little hole in me that's still looking for my father's acceptance, and I'll never ever get it because my dad is dead, and he's gone forever. And I will tell you,

whether you're a mom or you're a dad, if you do not learn to accept your child on a deep, deep level, you will regret that, and it will cause problems. And that will travel through generations of your family and it will cause anger, power struggles, and a lot of harm unless you change that pattern. And the good news is you can change that pattern. That's the beautiful thing of this message. Look, most of Celebrate Calm is not about just getting your kids to behave. I can show you how to do that pretty quickly. If you want to know how to do that, go to our website at Celebrate Calm and look for the special sale and get it. It's about 30 hours of instruction about how to change your child's behavior,

and so much more. And it's on sale, so do that, okay? But that's not primarily what we're about. I want to break generational patterns so that your kids grow up and they don't have all of the same issues that you and I have. That day at the ice rink was a defining moment for me. I could have dug in, because I'd done that before. I did that for a long time. Well, it's not my issue. He just needs to learn to get with the program. I could have kept doing that. That day at that ice rink, when I was crying at the ice rink down at the end of that, that, that, that south end of that rink, looking out the ice and realizing what I'd done to my son for the 10 years of his life was this very same thing that my dad had done to me. And that's the day that our family changed and we broke the generational patterns. And one day Casey is going to have kids and I

hope they are strong-willed. But guess what? He's going to be able to do this differently. And his family, his wife isn't going to have to walk on eggshells around him wondering what kind of mood he's in because he knows how to control himself because we broke that pattern. And that's what I'm calling you to is beyond just being a good parent, it's breaking generational patterns. And to do that, you've got to accept your child as he or she is on a very deep level. Some of you, you may be the type A parent who's got a daughter that dawdles, who wants to stop and smell the roses, and she procrastinates, and she doesn't really even care about outcomes.

You're like, but why wouldn't she try her hardest to get an A? Why wouldn't she go the extra level to get that green, be on green or to get the check mark or to get the, because she doesn't care about it, right? And it's going to drive you crazy. And here's what you're going to tell me. Well, but she has to eventually be responsible and go for it in order to do well in life. And what I'm going to tell you is, no, she doesn't.

That's your path and your way, but it's not hers. And there's absolutely nothing you can do to change her nature. But if you keep pushing her, she'll eventually feel like something's wrong with her, and she'll shut down and resist you, and you will utterly ruin any trust you may have built with her. And there's always going to be some animosity, and it still won. Enjoy her. Then, then she will begin to blossom. Then, and watch how this works. It's a really interesting process because watch what happens. Your child will be motivated. They will try new things. They will push themselves, but only when you stop hovering over them, correcting them, pointing out how they're doing it wrong, pointing out how they should just try harder. You should do everything to the best of your ability. Right?

Because what they know is they can't please you. And one of our core principles is when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. When we step back from controlling and micromanaging and pointing out everything that's wrong, it gives them some space to try things, to touch the hot stove, to fail, to do things. But as long as we're there hovering, they're just going to shut down because what they know is, why would I try? Because you're just going to point down because what they know is, why would I try? Because you're just going to point out that I didn't do it to the best of my ability or the way that you want me to do it. And I use this analogy a lot. What if I were to come over to

your house and follow you around for like half a day and point out every single thing that you could have done better? What if I followed you around for 24 hours and said, you know what, you could have done better with that meal. You could have done better with that project you just turned into your boss. You could have worked a little bit harder on that. You could have put some more care. Maybe you didn't respond to your child the right way. What if I did that thing after thing after thing? You would hate me. And you would say, back off. And that's what your kids are kind of saying is back off and give me some space and just accept who I am.

I'm not you, right? If they had the maturity, they would say, mom, dad, I know what you want. I know what it takes to be successful in life because I've seen you do it. I've seen it, but I'm not going to do it your way. Would you please give me some space to figure some things out on my own, right? Because I'll do it. And you've got to give them that space, but you've got to accept them as they are right now. And that's your own anxiety and control issues.

So I'm going to implore you. I'm going to implore you with this. Please stop. Stop trying to motivate, entice, change your child. Stop trying to bribe them and trick them and do whatever you can to get them to be different, right? They're not motivated by the same things as you. And look, some of you project your own stuff onto your kids because you're an extrovert and you have lots of friends and you get a lot out of that. And maybe you have a child who isn't like that. And so you think, well, they would be so much happier if they just had some friends. Why? No, they're not. Maybe they're happy as they are. And you, by trying to change them, is making them doubt themselves and doubt who they are.

And I guarantee you that's happening because I'm 54 years old and I'm still wrestling with certain things of like, huh, is it okay for me to be like that? And I'm 54. And what I'm finding is when I compare myself to other people, there's all these subtle cues that are sent in our society about what is the right way and what isn't. And at 54, I'm a pretty confident guy, but I still have to throw things off and say, no, this is not who I am. Not as an excuse to be a jerk, but to say, this is not who I am. I don't need the same things as you.

I'm not motivated by the same things as you. Stop projecting your stuff onto me. And you're going to say, but I think they would just be much happier if, stop thinking, stop trying to change this child, or you will cause him to disregard everything you say, and you'll have no influence over him. And I'll say, but Kirk, I can't just let him. Yes, yes, you can. You can let go and stop it. You can focus on changing yourself. You can model what and who you want your child to become. But what if, what if, see all of your anxiety?

And I'll just say it one more time, stop, stop. What if your child literally does nothing? It's not like all of your lectures and comments and efforts for the last four or five or nine or 14 or 17 years have motivated him. Maybe your child's been waiting for you to finally stop and accept him as he is and just enjoy him. Because I promise you, when you start doing that, he'll begin making progress in his own time. It's not going to be on your timeline. You've got to let that go. Please, I implore you with this. If you're

struggling with this, go to CelebrateCalm.com. There's a little tab that says No BS. Get the No BS program. We've cut the price 66% so that we've made it so affordable so everybody can get it. There are 25 action steps to rebuild your relationship. Accepting your child as he is is step number five. It is a hard step, but I promise if you do this, you will have a new kid. You'll be a new family. You'll see this child in a different way. It is fantastic. It's $99, which is cheaper than one visit to a therapist's office, and we're going to change your family. Please work through the steps. Please do this because your child needs you to control your anxiety, accept them.

We teach you how to enter in. Look, there's so many different things in here, and I'm just hitting on one step. But it's so important that we do this because I promise you, in their time, they will begin to do these things. I was just doing a phone consultation with a family because we're not traveling as much. I can do a few more phone consultations. And there's a little tab on the website that we just put up. Usually we hide that because I travel so much I don't have a lot of time for phone consultations. But there's a little tab called Kirk.

So if you want to talk to me, we go through for 90 minutes. We'll figure all this stuff out. But we were talking about this and they said, you know, it's interesting because this was a follow-up call. And they had said, when we stepped back and when we started really affirming, watch, this is important, affirm, spend the next week affirming who your child is now instead of spending all of your energy trying to make them who you want to be. I think I'm going to close on that. Let me say that again. For the next week, I want you to spend time affirming your child for who they are now. Right? Because look, I can guarantee you, your kids are goal-oriented, they're driven, they're persistent.

They have all the good qualities inside of them that they need to be successful in life. They have those qualities, they just don't use them to do anything you want them to do. Right? So they're not going to apply that all the time to school or chores or anything you want. But when your kids care about something, nothing holds them back. They are intensely motivated, right? Your kids are not lazy. They just aren't motivated. You have to discover what they care about. And I promise you it's going to be something that you don't care about. You're going to have to enter in. I was doing a phone consultation with another family and this was really cool. I try not to get off topic here, but this is cool. Hubby, and I'm probably going to do a whole

podcast on this because it was a really cool call, but Hubby doesn't like video games. Well, shocker, welcome. I don't like them either. But the kid loves video games. And I was like, I promise you, if one night you walk into that room where he's playing video games, sit down and say, huh, I'm curious. What do you like about playing this game? Huh? What's the hardest part of this game? How do you overcome the challenges? How did you get so good at this? What do you like about this? What's the biggest challenge? And you start being curious about that game. Guess what? You're going to enter into that child's world and I guarantee his face will light up and he'll start talking to you and he'll start listening to you. And I promise you, if you do that, you're not going to reinforce

that it's good to play video games. I promise. It's the quickest way to get them off of video games. It's a cool process, but the point is enter into things. And so affirm your kids for the choices for what they're doing now, who they are, because as parents, our anxiety says, oh, but I want them to do this and I've got to get them. And if they don't learn how to do this and we spend all of our time trying to change them instead of accepting who they are and saying, you know what? That was a really good choice you made the other night. You know what? I'm proud of you for doing that. Because once you affirm them for who they are, they'll start to feel confident and they'll start to feel like they can actually please you. You know what I discovered that day at the ice rink? My son's got a really big heart.

And whereas I wanted to put that other kid through the glass, that's not who my son is. Now, he was an argumentative, difficult kid like your kids are, but he didn't have a heart like that. That wasn't who he was. And that day at the ice rink, I discovered who my son was. And I began to appreciate that about him. Did I always like it? No, you don't have to like it. I don't really care. But I had to start enjoying him for who he was, because that's who he is. And I started to rebuild that relationship. And I started after the game saying, you know what? Proud of you, son. Did you have a good time out there? Now, we made some other changes. He didn't play travel ice hockey after that because I was going to waste all that money, right? If he wasn't really into it,

he's like, dad, I didn't really want to do travel hockey anyway. You're the one who pushed me to do that. Oh, watch how much that works, huh? Watch how often that works that your kids do things because they just want to please you and they don't want to disappoint you. So they go along and you're vicariously living through them, right? And so something happened that day that changed me. And that's when we broke the patterns. And so that's what I'm going to call you to do. And I ask you, whether you go through the CD programs, whether you go through No BS program, whatever it is, as you go through those, email me. If you're struggling with this stuff, email us. We will help you walk through us, but I want you to learn to accept your kids as they are, because I promise you when you start to enjoy them again,

discipline gets easier. They'll want, they'll be more motivated. Anyway, thank you for doing what you do. Being a parent of a strong-willed child is a really difficult thing, but it is a huge, huge gift to you because these kids are going to work out of you. Your control issues, your anxiety, your perfectionism, all those things inside of you that needed to change. If you had a compliant, easygoing kid, it wouldn't cause you to grow up. This kid's going to cause you to grow up. By the way, it's why your marriage is there. You're married because it's a union of two independent, strong-willed, selfish people who are stuck together in a home, paying a mortgage,

and raising a bunch of kids together. Guess what that causes? You can either grow up or you grow apart. And I want you to grow up. I want us all to grow up because the purpose of relationships is not happiness, it's transformation. It changes who you are. I am a different person today because of Casey. Casey changed my life. When I finally embraced it and stopped fighting everything, it's a cool thing. We'll walk with you down this path. Email Casey at C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm.com. We will help you. We will help you find the products within your budget. We will answer questions. We will guide you. We will encourage you because we love what we do and we love you. Take care. Bye-bye.