Calm Parenting Podcast - "I Don't Have Anger Issues!"

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

"I Don't Have Anger Issues!" When I was in my 30's, little things going wrong would cause me to explode. I'd yell, catastrophize ("Now the whole night is ruined!), storm off saying, "You guys would be... better off without me!" and then come back later saying I wouldn't do that again. But I would. What I didn't realize was how I was holding my family hostage to MY emotions. If you recognize yourself in this podcast, you're not alone. Let's change this once and for all. Need more help? Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Questions? Email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com and Casey will help you personally.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:02:03 Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. I remember so many times where I would just lose it, right? It wasn't necessarily that my son did something wrong, right? Or anything like that, but something little would go wrong in the home. Maybe there was a stain on my favorite shirt, right? Now I catastrophize. Great, great. My favorite shirt. Now I'm never going to be able to wear it again. Or there's a stain on the upholstery, right? In and I'll say great you know what just
Starting point is 00:02:46 bought the new car now we're gonna have to get the whole all the seats torn out or something little right would go wrong and it would just I would just get so irritated and it's those little things right it ruined my sense of order and I would just start catastrophizing. And then I'd start blaming my family for it, right? Just venting all over the place, catastrophizing. It's never going to, great, the whole night's ruined. Now we're not going to be able to get a reservation. Nobody's going to be happy. You know, you guys, you know, you guys just be better off without me. And then I would storm out of the house. I'd go to the garage. I'd go get my car and run errands. I'd maybe go for a run. And in my wake, I left the family. I left a wife. I left a kid who now had to process that. And
Starting point is 00:03:32 they're standing there stunned, scared, right? I left my wife alone. This guy who was supposed to be the stable guy, this good guy who's kind of like the protector, the leader, all these things is now the unstable one who's blowing everything up in the home, right? And the fact was, I was a good guy. I was a good guy. I was a pretty good dad. I was a good husband. I was good, right? I was responsible with my work. Nobody knew all this stuff. Nobody on the outside knew this stuff about me. It just happened at home, right? With the people that knew me best. And in many ways, I held them hostage to my emotions. And I'd be like, I don't have anger issues. Yeah, I did. I had self-control issues. And I left them
Starting point is 00:04:14 alone in my wake, having to pick up the pieces and wonder, what's he going to be like when he comes back home? Why did that just happen? Why did the whole night just get ruined because one small thing was out of place or didn't go right? And why did he blame me for that, right? And so they're sitting there stunned with their heads spinning. I would come back in a little bit later and apologize. But here was the apology. Hey, honey, I'm sorry about that. I was just a lot of stress at work and I don't know why I did it, but I'm sorry. I'll work on that. And I didn't work on it
Starting point is 00:04:48 because I didn't take it seriously. You know why? Because it didn't really affect me. It affected them. I got to run out of the house and feel justified while I'm under a lot of pressure. I'm a good guy. I don't drink and I don't run around.
Starting point is 00:05:02 I don't do all those things. But I didn't change myself because it didn't affect me. It was affecting everybody else. But I didn't really see that. I was blind to that. And in many ways, you know what it was? I held my family hostage to my emotions, to my anger, to my lack of self-control. And when this really hit me was in the car, right? Someone cut in front of me or someone's going too slow in the fast lane. I'm in a hurry because I've got things to do. And I would start to lose it. And all of a sudden, I noticed.
Starting point is 00:05:31 I'd look over. And now I'd see everybody in the car is quiet, tense, holding their breath, wondering, what's the next step? Is he going to start flipping off other drivers? Is he going to try to cut them off? And I held them hostage. And they were frozen there, right? And now there's a whole fear. Now I'm feeling ashamed and embarrassed because I'm a grown man who was successful in the corporate world. I've got my own business now.
Starting point is 00:05:57 I'm able to handle all these other things, but now simple things go wrong and I lose it and I can't even control myself. And now the two, three, four people around me who know me best are watching me in this moment, right? And that was embarrassing and I felt shame. So I would justify, what, you guys never get upset? And then see how that works. And I'm telling for the guys out there, I try to do these podcasts. I try to do very, very helpful to do these podcasts. I try to do
Starting point is 00:06:25 very, very helpful ones, right? And I try to make them short. So you'll listen to them. Take this seriously. I look, this happens in so many homes. You know why I know? Because your wives email me or talk to me on the phone. They're like, please, will you talk to my husband? Because I can't get through to him. He just justifies it or he puts me off or he dismisses it. Please take it seriously. It will ruin your family life. It will ruin your relationship. So it will ruin your marriage, right?
Starting point is 00:06:54 It will. And the reason I'm recording this is because this is becoming more common, right? So many people reaching, could you please talk to my husband for me? You know how hard it is for, especially for many of your wives to come to you and say, honey, I think you've got an anger issue here. I don't have an issue. Well, what about you? Right? See how we do that? Well, we intimidate
Starting point is 00:07:16 our wives sometimes, or we get gruff and we grumble so that they don't even come to us in the first place. We're intimidating in that way. And so they don't, so nothing really changes. But behind the scenes, it's not working. And your wife's hurt. She feels lonely, right? And she feels helpless in these situations. Why? Because she's also trying to protect her child or her kids from all of this anger.
Starting point is 00:07:40 Because you walk around like, well, our son needs to exhibit some self-control. Why does he get upset all the time, right? And then she's looking at you and she's like, well, this is why, right? Because he's learned it from you. And so there's no blame and no guilt in anything we do. Guys, I don't do blame. I don't do guilt. I'm the same as you. I want my kids to grow up and have self-control and be responsible for their own actions. I did all those same things with my own son, but I never really took it seriously myself. And I want you to take it seriously because it will destroy your life.
Starting point is 00:08:12 It will if you don't take it seriously. So I encourage you, admit this, acknowledge it. Go to your wife and say, honey, I've got an issue. I have a problem with this. I blow up over little things and I just lose it, right? And I know that holds you hostage emotionally and I know it's exhausting for you and you're at your wit's end with me.
Starting point is 00:08:35 And so I apologize and I'm gonna take that seriously. Now, whatever you wanna do with that, if you wanna go see a therapist, good, go for it. If you wanna go through our materials, awesome, do that. But by all means, take it seriously and do this for not only your wife, not only your kids, but do it for yourself. Because I'm telling you, once you get control of yourself and once you can handle these tough situations, man, your kids, your wife will look at you like you're a hero and they
Starting point is 00:09:03 will respect you. And that's what you want. You want their respect. And right now you don't have it. And I want you to have that. So if we can help you in any way, reach out to us. My name's Kirk Martin, in case your wife just sent you this podcast, right? And she's like, Hey honey, you need to listen to this. It's Kirk, K-I-R-K at celebrate calm.com. You can go to our website, check out our other podcasts. And your wife already knows what our resources are. Some of your wives have our resources
Starting point is 00:09:30 and she's asked you to listen to them and you haven't done it. And I ask you to take it seriously and listen to it. Listen to, there's a dad's program. It's short and sweet, right? It's from another dad. It's from me. Listen to that and take it seriously
Starting point is 00:09:44 or get the programs and go through them because I know she'll appreciate that if we can help you in any way let us know talk to you soon bye

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